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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Preparing for a rainbow

We lost our beautiful son at 38 weeks pregnant in April 2016. I am now 20 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and I spend so much time feeling conflicted. I am SO scared we will loss this baby too and I find myself trying to balance between feeling excited then telling myself not to get too excited because maybe we won't get to bring her home. What did you all do? Do I go shopping and prepare for my sweet girl or wait until after we bring her home? I fear if I DON'T prepare I won't bond with her and there is a part of me that wants to do everything I would have previously done when pregnant. The other part of me feels like I might spare myself some heartache of packing up a room if something goes wrong.
January 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMother of boys
Mother of boys, a gentle congrats on your pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my rainbow boy (who is 13 months today!) I didn't start preparing until I was about 34-35 weeks...I just couldn't do it...the things I had for my daughter (she died at 28 weeks so I had' prepped much for her) were in storage and i left them there but at 34-35 weeks I finally had the courage to buy a stroller/car seat, a pack and play and about a week's worth of clothes and a pack of diapers and wipes. But that's it! Really, you don't need much and it's okay to feel uncomfortable buying things right now so I just gave myself permission to delay as much as possible. Also, I ordered everything online and didn't set foot in a store until I think baby needed a bigger size. That way I avoided the gushing sales clerks and all that nonsense that was triggering for me. And the things in storage? My parents went to get them while I was in hospital after I delivered (and they cleaned them etc before we got back!). Sending you lots of courage mama, this is hard!
January 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAB
Dear Mother of Boys,
I m sorry for your loss. We lost our second son after full term delivery. When we were pregnant with our rainbow (also a boy) I put off buying anything until after he was born even though we had not kept many baby clothes from our previous pregnancies. Our rainbow, as it turned out, was born six weeks premature and I kept the receipts of the clothes I did buy for him because he was so little and I was so afraid that he would die before we got to bring him home. Happily, he is almost a year old now. Just do what makes you most comfortable. Here's wishing you as much peace of mind as can be had during a rainbow pregnancy.
So much love to you.
January 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEm
Hi Mother of Boys, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son. I am one who has had two rainbows and I didn't prepare much for either. We had a daughter before we lost Shelby and so the big things like cot, car seat, etc were already here. I didn't buy much of anything until very close to the due dates. I think you can bond with your baby without buying things so if it's making you anxious maybe bond more through music, feeling movement and kicks, ultrasounds or a pregnancy record book? All the best for the rest of your pregnancy. It's tough to stay sane when you've been where we have x
January 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum