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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > January pregnancy thread

Hello ladies,
Just figured I create a new thread for this new month of hope and everything else that comes with pregnancy after child loss.
Feel free to post whatever you want to share, what's up this week, mixed feelings, appointments, weird dreams, anything that might help with your sanity :)
Sending love
January 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thanks Gaby for starting this thread.

I haven't posted in Glow for some time now. I first came here after my son Hunter was stillborn at 39 weeks in April 2014. It's been a rough few years since (early miscarriage, trisomy 18 termination & a late miscarriage) and I found myself giving up on hope on ever having a living child. However, I fell pregnant again last year and am still pregnant. Something I was not expecting and am starting to feel positive and hopeful about.

After my late miscarriage last May, I was tested for a range of disorders (I had a subchorionic hematoma during that pregnancy that triggered the miscarriage), and my doctor discovered a low positive result for antiphospholipid antibody syndrome (APS). Since I fell pregnant, I've been taking daily heparin injections and am on baby aspirin & a few other prescribed supplements. I am almost 19 weeks and have had multiple ultrasounds, which point towards a healthy baby and pregnancy.

It's all been a bit of a whirlwind. I haven't really told many people I'm pregnant, because for so long I was afraid of miscarrying. I think I have moved on from that fear and now find myself worrying that the baby will die before I give birth. Most of the time, I'm positive about it all..but the doubt just creeps up on me sometimes. I know exactly what people in my day-to-day life would say to the doubt ("you'll be fine/it will be fine/the baby will be fine", etc), and I know they mean well...but I know here I will be truly understood. That babies do die. That they stop moving inside you, that their heart stops, that their cord wraps around them, that they are born too early and die, that they die during labour, that they die and you never find out why, or how. I've leaned on Glow so much during the rough times, and I guess I am back here in anticipation of what's ahead. Fear of the unknown. Fear of never quite making it to the end. Fear of all the planning and hope only to have everything ripped away from you.

It feels comforting to be back here. Back in a place that carried my through so much pain and grief. Hopefully we can all continue to share our stories and carry each other through the heartache.

January 4, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
I just barely found out that I'm pregnant for the fourth time. I have two living children and one who was stillborn at 37 weeks. Each time I saw the two lines come up I thought nine months from now I'll have a baby! This time I'm holding my breath. It's weird to no longer have that confidence. I'm meeting a doctor in a new practice next week. Hopefully he will be up for guiding me along what will likely be a wild ride.
January 4, 2017 | Unregistered Commenter6516legacy
Shannon, A gentle congratulations. I am so happy to see you here. I am sending you so much love and peace.

And welcome 6516legacy! A gentle congratulations to you as well.

I am in the early weeks too, just 8 weeks and will meet with my OB on Monday. I'm starting to get nervous as I've always had mmc. I know I will be a wreck until she sees a heartbeat. I know statically the rates of mc go down at that point and being pragmatic sometimes helps my anxiety.

Marta and Abby how are you?
January 5, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello ladies,

So good to see new faces here!
I am sorry for all our earlier life experiences that brought us here, but it is in a new journey that we find ourselves in, and hopefully will be a happy one! Despite the fact that our lack of "inocence"prevents us from enjoying it like we did before ...
So Emily, I am sure your next appointment will go smoothly! As always, lots of good thoughts going your way to help you keep calm!

I completed 30 weeks on New Year day, :) and he is still here, kicking away and making very unconfortable nights! But he is a good little baby boy, maintaining his mommy aware of his constant presence... something that I really need!
I do tend to spread a lot of positiveness, but that is all just my way of stopping myself from going to the other side where I estimate that there is 2 ways this may end.

Needless to say, the first though that came to mind when the year turned was:legally, whatever happens, I am now able to register my Rodrigo! (Such a happy thought).

I am slowly thinking about organising baby things, his room, etc. But have not yet started! It is easier to write soothing happy things then actually acting confidentely on them!

Everything good to us all!
January 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hello all,

Shannon - welcome back! What a rough trip you've had. Life can be brutal. I'm sorry to hear about Hunter and everything else that has happened to you. Whispering congrats on the current pregnancy. Do you know what you're having? I can relate to not telling people about my subsequent pregnancy. I told my line manager in confidence at 15 weeks and a couple of close colleagues also in confidence because I needed 'slack' with work commitments and I knew I wasn't going to be around for some stuff they were planning for me (for better or worse, I was going to be off). People whispered until it became obvious I was not eating That much cake :) I couldn't care less, the last thing I wanted was to endure casual chit chat and well wishing. Maia died as a result of an abruption during labour at full term in a low risk pregnancy, I really didn't care for 'everything will be fine' and such from well meaning but ignorant people. I worked hard on my mental 'wet fish slapping' when people said the wrong thing and changed the subject. We told our family when I was 16 weeks, I think....

Welcome 6516legacy! Keep breathing for now. One day at a time.

Emily, I'll be thinking of you on Monday. Please let us know how it goes. Keeping everything crossed for you.

Marta, so glad to hear Rodrigo is busy keeping you reassured :) Mirko was the same way and it was such a relief. I knew his pattern and recorded his kicks on my phone so I didn't have to worry about how long it had been between kicks but he was insanely active thankfully :) take your time with preparations, remember everything can be bought from the hospital bed and delivered to your door! I have a friend who actually bought the bassinet after her c-section, from her bed....

Abby, you still there...? How are you feeling?

Sending love and sanity, whatever that looks like for each of you! :)
January 6, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi All,

Just had a moment to write and say my appointment went well today. Baby is measuring big already. Which doesn't surprise me since my boys delivered at 8.5 lb and 9 lb. So, that means today is 9w2d and I'm due 8/14. Whoa that seems like ages from now.

I'm really hoping everything is well with Abby and everyone else!

January 9, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Dear Em
I am so happy for you! Thank you for the update!
January 10, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Emily BW! I just popped in to see who was around at the moment, I'm pleased to see you here!! A gentle congrats to everyone else too. Wishing you all uneventful and peaceful pregnancies.
January 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Thanks for quick update, Em!! So I glad your little one is looking good and well not so little :) what's the next milestone for you? Keep breathing...

How's everyone else?

Sending love
January 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Thank you all! And it's so great to hear from you Shelby's Mum! How is Ferris? What is he up to these days?

I have another appointment in 4 weeks. Nothing else until then.

Hope all is well with everyone!

January 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Emily BW, he is great! 14 months, a little ball of noisy, messy, lovely joy. How is your rainbow doing (so sorry the name escapes me right now!). Keep plodding along for the next 4 weeks, ticking off the milestones :)
January 11, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShelby's Mum
Thanks for the warm welcome ladies.

Emily BW so nice to see your name pop up here and glad to hear baby is measuring well.

Shelby's Mum, equally lovely to hear all is well with you and little Ferris (great name btw) is doing well.

Gaby, thank you for the kind words...and sorry to hear about your baby Maia. You're right, life can be brutal. All we can do is power through.

Marta and 6516Legacy, hope you are both doing well too.

We have our 20 week scan today. I have real mixed emotions due to nerves about finding an anomaly & excitement in learning what the sex is (we didn't find out with Hunter). It's later today so in the meantime, I'm trying to keep myself busy with work and other distractions. I kind of just want it to be over with.

Will keep you all posted...
January 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi Shannon, I've been thinking of you all morning and hope the appointment went well. Keeping good thoughts for you!

January 12, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Oh thank you Emily! The scan went so well, I can hardly believe it. Baby is measuring fine & seems nice and big. Hunter was a little on the small side which could have been because I have APS (which I didn't know at the time). I have so much medical support this time which is so reassuring. I'll have monthly scans from now on to keep an eye on baby's growth and make sure there are no clots or blood issues.

Oh and we found out we are having a girl, which we were really happy about. (Would have been happy either way tbh but it's nice to find out)

Thanks again for the good thoughts.
January 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Oh Shannon, that's so wonderful! I'm so very happy for you. Terrific news!
January 13, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi ladies,

How is everyone doing?

Shannon, soooo pleased everything is looking good!! The anomaly scan is such a scary one, well done on making it through it.

Thinking of all of you, sending peace.....

January 14, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted much, but I have read everything since we lost our son Arav in March. He was stillborn at 27 weeks most likely because of a cord accident. So sorry for all your lovely babies! I have been following your stories and I think of them everyday.

Now I am pregnant again and I glad to see that you revived the pregnancy thread. I am already 20 weeks along, but I did not dare to share anything before the anatomy scan. Anyway, here I am. The scan went well. Like you, Shannon, we are also having a girl this time. I have to go back next week, because the little one kept holding her hands in front of her heart, so they need more pictures. I am a little nervous about that, but I think the general relief from the scan hasn't worn off yet. I'm just glad that they are taking this seriously enough to ask me to come in again. On the other hand I get upset when people say that now everything will be fine. The scan was normal last time and two months later nothing was "fine"...

In general, this pregnancy has been tough. My husband and I both had several freak-outs, but we got a doppler and that has been working for us. Now that I can feel the baby kick it's a little better. I was so scared to tell people, especially at work. Now it is slowly coming out (can't really hide it anymore). Hardly anyone knows my story, because I started this job after. I just keep my head down and hope nobody says anything stupid.

Sorry, just rambling. I am so sorry to meet all of you here, but glad that this place exists. Keeping you all in my thoughts!
January 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Gaby, just read your last post. Just to clarify: My comment on people's reactions to the anatomy scan was not about you but about some stuff friends said to me.
January 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterArav's Mom
Welcome Arav's Mom and a gentle congratulations! So glad you've joined us.
January 17, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Everyone-

Unplugged somewhat while on vacation, but I'm still here. I'm trying not to focus too much on this pregnancy yet... I'd like to make it through a few more milestones (including the anatomy scan) before I start to think too much about it. I have been very focused these past few months on Luke who we lost in May anyways, so that seems to be dominating my thoughts right now. Lots and lots of guilt.

Glad to see some new posters here and that things seem to be going well so far for everyone. We have a preliminary anatomy scan next week so fingers crossed for that one.

Thinking of everyone.
January 18, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hello everyone,
Not soo positive this week! I saw my ob o n monday, and the doppler and Rodrigo's heart was a bit speedy. Mine too, and my blood pressure has gone up again! My doctor did a scan, and the heart was normal again, everything looked fine... a placenta that looks fresh, withouth calcifications, he increased 600g in 3 weeks, the same weight I gained!
If everything looks good, why is that not conforting me?

Last time it all lookked nice too! And then in a few hours it was over... And the fact that I am 32w and Pedro did not reach 34 is greatly affecting me, I think!

So I have been just a silent reader, afraid of the future... afraid that Iwill have to prepare another funeral... I dont know... ifI can survive another loss!

Rodrigo keeps kicking away, reassuring me again and again that he is still there... but my fears stiill surface!
The thing is, it is always fine until its not!

We took our older daughter too the doctor, soshe could see Rodrigo. This time she had not accompanied me in any of the ecographies... I encouraged her to go, Ithinkbecause I felt the need for her to see at least once her second brother still alive.

I am sorry for such dark ramblings...
luv and luck to us all
January 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Marta, I'm sorry your appointment wasn't reassuring. I think we all understand that it's hard to be optimistic all the time, even when given good news. I will keep you and Rodrigo in my thoughts.

A few days ago my morning sickness eased up for the first time in weeks and I immediately thought I must have mc'd again. Of course it was only a temporary reprieve and I was back to feeling nauseous within an hour. I think it's only been getting worse which makes me wonder if I have a hormone imbalance or if I will have ms my entire pregnancy. In some ways I find it reassuring but it's also exhausting. I'm almost 11 weeks which gives me hope that I'll make it the second trimester. And maybe then I can exhale?

Much love to everyone,

Emily BW
January 20, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello everyone and I also whisper my congratulations on your new pregnancies. I hope you don't mind if I join you. I am13weeks pregnant with our rainbow who is a little girl. She has brought a bit of light into my life again after we lost our darling Ivan days before his due date in April. I did not however expect this pregnancy to be such a lonely place. I am trying to bond and look forward to her but I find all the previous pregnancy activities so hard. I feel like I am excluded from the club of happy innocently excited mums in my yoga class and community. I panic when they ask about previous children and discuss birth stories. I feel I can't possibly tell them and spoil their naive excitement so I keep to myself. At the same time I feel people around me are losing their patience and compassion for my grief for Ivan which is still so powerful. It feels like the implication is that I now must be happy and "over" him because I'm having another baby. It's tough living with excitement for a new life, the anxiety of this pregnancy and the overbearing grief. I am grateful I can share this in the circle of people who understand.
January 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
A gentle congratulations Heidi! So happy you have joined us on the thread. I have to admit I'm secretly thrilled you are a few weeks ahead of me as it always reassures me to see someone else go through childbirth just before me! It must be a little sister thing.

I am curious how do you know you're having a girl already?! I don't think I can find out until 20 weeks when I have the maternti21 test. Or maybe I'm forgetting something. I'm still debating whether or not I will find out.
January 21, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Emily, we decided to get the harmony blood test which also told us about some genetic issues ( all are low risk ) We have often discussed children with Down's syndrome which this test also tells you. We decided we would want to go ahead with the pregnancy regardless but liked the idea of knowing so we could prepare if it was the case and give them the best start. However, I just really wanted to know the gender. I knew secretly I wanted to have a little boy again, to fill 'the little boy' void our Ivan has left but then I also thought it wasn't fair as Ivan couldn't be replaced and this baby deserved to not be a replacement but it's very own little being. I also thought the sooner I know the sooner I can bond. I know, to many people not in our situation this sounds like crazy logic, but I know what can happen now, and I was so grateful I had a connection to Ivan before we lost him. Should the worst happen again this time, I would have wanted a bond again, and for me knowing the gender helps me to do that. I went out and bought her a little baby grow and put it next to the one we got for Ivan at his 3 month scan. It's in 'their' nursery room which is still a place I spend hours sobbing but I'm trying to bring some hope back into that room. Sorry that was a longe answer then necessary but it's my reason for wanting to know the gender so early.
Emily that's perfect i have always been the big sister :) and I'm really happy to hear about your pregnancy, all of yours here, I hope we can continue to share our journey. Are you all happy with the care that has been proposed this time? What countries are you in? I am in the U.K.
Lots of love to you all
January 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
Ok, I'm not sure we have that one, the harmony test, where I am in Los Angeles. Or maybe we do and my insurance doesn't pay for it. We do have the Maternit21 test which I guess they can do as early as 10 weeks, I just checked and was surprised this was the case! I certainly understand your decision. I was unsure about the test last time but decided to do it as I knew it would help the doctor if they saw anything on the results. I did ask them not to tell me the gender but my doctor accidentally let it slip a few days before I delivered! I was kind of bummed it wasn't a surprise an longer but relieved at the same time so it's made me think of finding out earlier this time.

How has your doctor been this time? Are you with the same practice or have you sought out a new situation?
January 22, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
I had to find another place. I'm not blaming the place I was before for what happened, although I know things could have been managed better. They were however wonderful during the birth and they have this beautiful bereavement room were we could stay for days with our baby in a cool cot. However it was too painful for me to go back and I'm now under a wonderful obstetrician I'm really happy with.

What about you, did you stay with the same team?
January 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterHeidi
I am on my 6th pregnancy and had losses early for my first, third, and fifth pregnancies. So, I've never felt as though the OB ever knew what was going on or if they could prevent anything. Although I was on progesterone and baby aspirin last time from the very beginning, I decided not to go that route again as it didn't not prevent my 3rd loss. It seemed the right choice to stay with my OB that delivered my second son. She was very understanding and patient with my decisions. I'm over 40 so I'm already high risk. But I did change between my 2 and 4 pregnancies. I always felt the OB was really uncomfortable and kind of thought I was crazy.
January 23, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello friends,

Not much to report from here. Still pregnant, still keeping myself busy with work. Have had a meeting with my to discuss birth plans...we are having a c-section as my son died during the late stages of labour and I don't think I could mentally cope with natural birth ever again. We are planning to deliver at 37 weeks, which will be sometime in mid-May. My OB had to outline some of the risks with a planned c-section, which did concern me, but I'm still determined to go ahead with it. The thought of another vaginal birth/death brings up too much anxiety.

Arav's Mom, sorry to hear your pregnancy has been tough. I often find myself worrying about lack of movement but am usually immediately by kicking. It's quite regular at the moment so going to hold of getting a doppler. I'm also in a new job and just try my best to avoid any pregnancy chat, so far it's worked OK.

Abby, will be thinking of you and your scan this week..

Marta, so sorry to hear you've had a rough week. Have there been any developments since your last post? holding you in my thoughts.

Heidi, gentle congrats to you. So sorry you lost your baby Ivan. I also lost my boy Hunter in April, although not as recently as you. I completely relate to your point about wanting to know the gender in order to bond. I'm in the UK too, but waited until the 20 week scan and as soon as I found out it was a girl, I was able to start dreaming/hoping/imagining the way I did with Hunter. It's really helped me connect with this pregnancy and no matter what the outcome, I'll cherish these months pregnant with my baby girl.

January 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Sorry just noticed all my typos!
January 24, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterShannon
Hi ladies,

A quick one to check on everyone's scans this week? How are things going???

Sending love and sanity to all

January 26, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hello everyone!

I have gathered the courage to return here and write again...
Thank you Emily and Shannon for your soothing words.
I am still pregnant, although this is week 33, today is friday, and well... I used to love coincidences, but not anymore!
So I am keeping extra calm, but attentive to any sign of distress etc... And keeping a positive and semi confident attitude so that sunday comes, and I am next week!
That is my main goal! Make it to sunday and w 34!

January 27, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
We are still here!
I don't really understand why I am fixated on some dates... Its like I expect things to repeat themselves exactly on the same day... And why?
To be honest, I have already faced the reality that life does not repeat itself... Pedro was due on his big sister's due date... And while she surpassed week 40, he didn't make to 34.

So friday was a scare... I was over vigilant all day long, up untill the hour he died. Nothing happened and a sense of relief overcame me.
On saturday I came to the realisation that despite my anxiety on friday, if it were to happen on the same calendar, this would be the day... But it never got me so anxious as I was on friday! I had a midnight crisis of crying hysterically I don't actually know why... And made a visit to the emergency hospital yesterday, where a ctg and eco revealed AGAIN how nice it is all going.

But then again, wasn't it going fine untill it was not?

An idiot nurse tryied to tell me there was no need to worry about an abruption if there was no real and big amount of blood loss! To me! Aren't they trained? Don't they know what is a hidden abruption! Now she knows!

But it is all going ok, and I think I can focus now on the idea that it will have a happy ending! That I will come home in a few weeks with a baby!
So for the next few days I will be positive! And possibly less insane!
Good things to us all
January 30, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi Marta,

Well done on doing everything you can to beat those demons!! Really glad the monitoring is going well. Really sorry you encountered an ill informed nurse, though! Hopefully she'll think twice next time she wants to dismiss a scared mum's fears. Well done on educating her :)

How's everyone else doing? Last day of January........ Hang in there!!

Love to all
January 31, 2017 | Unregistered CommenterGaby