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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Why does this have to happen?

Oh how I have waited for a thread to write with current pregnant moms.I have read everything on this site since losing my little girl fullterm in May of this year. Congratutlations to you ladies who are expecting. this time of year after a loss, is so hard. social media is a horrible gift this holiday season. All I wanted this year for christmas was to spend it with my little girl, see her marvel at the lights on the tree, to go to the mall and see her people watch and pick out present for her daddy. How my heart aches for that.

we got pregnant our third round of trying after our loss and would have been due in June next year. This time of year is already hard enough....I found out yesterday after having some light spotting and rounds of tests and an ultrasound that we are going to miscarry, that I had a blighted ovum, a 1 inch sac with no fetal tube. Today I started to cramp and to have bleeding. Still waiting for the heavy show. I see my OB on friday - was going to be a happy appoitnment that I was 11.5 weeks pregnant, and now we will be discussing options for misscarriage and what the plan is from here. I have never misscarried before. This is my second pregnancy... my second loss pregnancy. First a fullterm stillborn, next a misscarriage.

Why does this have to happen? Like the other women and men on here; my husband and I are good people. we dont drink, dont smoke dont do drugs. Both pregancies were very planned and wanted. Why does this have to happen?

I was feeling pretty good about being pregnant. I wasnt scared, I wasnt that anxious. I had some morning sickness but nothing to complain about. I felt great. And now this. Why? I know I will never have an answer. I will never know why I was dealt these cards for 2016. And now have to go through this misscarriage - which I dont know what to expect. And then have to deal with the holiday season. Why does this have to happen?

Trying to stay positive, 2016 was not our year. It was the year I became a mother. changed my life forever, but other than that... I cant wait for 2017. Hopefully we get dealt some good cards, cause I really dont know how many times I can ask myself why does this have to happen?

sorry for the rant, this is one of the only safe and understanding places I can turn to, without being told everything happens for a reason
December 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterStill0517
I'm so so so sorry for your losses. That is beyond sh+t timing, if there's ever a time to suffer consecutive losses.
No wisdom here, just sending you a massive hug.
Keep breathing and taking it one moment at a time.
December 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
I am so sorry for your losses. The blighted ovum sucks when you are in this situation, I know!
After loosing Pedro, and our full year of "don't even think about trying because you need to let your uterus heal or the chances of having another placenta abruption are really high!!!" We tried for our little Hope, and succeded! We named her even before conception, because we have a saying "Hope is the last one to die!"

She was due on her father's birthday (late november), which was funny since Pedro was due on his big sister due date!
Hope was a blighted ovum! She never developed, so she never lived and never died in that sense! She was true to her name!

But... to give you "hope", we got pregnangt right the next month/cycle.
And we are going on 26 weeks, still alive and kicking!
Unfortunately, Pedro's birthday/death anniversary is coming, right before christmas, to help us have some "nice, calm, and happy holiday"(not!) I keep dreading the day, afraid I'll loose Rodrigo too, and passing Hopes due date I just though... why didn't she make it, I would have her right now instead of anguishing over how I will survive if the same happens again!

Just think, a blighted ovum is something that nature thought was really really unable to live! In most cases it is chromossome aberrations, but not your typical thrissomy21, the ones that no one has seen survive. It is a setback, a delay of your plans, but better than finding much further along it is not healthy (this was my mantra to overcome Hope's loss).
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thank you Gaby and Marta for your kind words.

The blighted ovum is true that atleast they didnt live/suffer/die. I definately wouldhave preferred what I went through last night - misscarried - instead of waiting until fullterm again. Thank you for the hope Marta. I am sorry to here about your Hope and your Pedro. Just like Gaby said as you pass his birthday take one day at a time. We need to be gentle to ourselves and our loved ones. Congratulations on Rodrigo, 26 weeks. Must be flying by now.

Im glad my body figured out what it had to do last night. I was scared for what would have happened if I had to take medication to misscarry or had to have a d&c. Once I gave myself permission to let go it happened.I see my OB tomorrow. Hopefully we can start trying in the new year again.
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
I am so sorry for your losses. It is certainly hard to be positive when you are in the middle of it, but you both make a good point- best to minimize everyone's suffering if nature isn't going to be fair. Sometimes I wonder if with my last pregnancy, there was ever a time where I was close to a miscarriage but our baby still made it through. Of course then we were faced with an awful decision at 20 weeks. I hope your ob appointment went well and you get some good news soon. Although this is a lot to deal with, and I'm sorry.
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Dear Abby,
You are the most courageous of us. I remember thinking after a few minutes of having the doctors look around with the ultrasound machine at what might have happened, in the most horrible silence ( there was no heartbeat anymore), that too many minutes had gone by for them to take Pedro out and revive him. It was a peacefull moment that hit me, but I remembered my aunt sauing she was glad my cousin had died because she would have had no quality of a life.
I don't know what i would have done if they had even given me the hypothesis of cutting me open, quickly, and then trying to save him. I really don't!
One of the things I missed out was having him alive in my arms, and seeing his eyes... but I will cherish for ever the memory of holding him...
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Oh the memory of holding her - sigh - I wish I had taken more time to be with her.. I can feel her now in my arms, how I wish it didnt have to end.

My OB apt went well, she said this is very common, just hard to wrap your head around getting dealt the stillborn and the misscarraige card in one year back to back. She said it look slike my body did everything on its own which is nice no interventions needed. said its good to at least know we can get pregnant. She said if we wanted to we could try again in a couple of cycles, let my body regulate itself again. My OB is great. could not have asked for a better care provider.

My husband and I decided to just go with the flow for now. Its hard focusing on conceieving and definately takes alot of the fun out of it. So we will see where this journey takes us. I cant wait for 2017 to be here.
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish all of us who have suffered so much could just get a pass. I wish the stork could just deliver healthy babies on our doorsteps. I have been pregnant four times with one living child. My third child and only daughter passed shortly after birth to a rare de novo genetic disease. We didn't have any warning she would be ill and I had every test in the book. I don't believe these things happen for a reason, and anyone who tells you so should take their platitudes elsewhere. I guess it's just been bad luck. But we must come to our own conclusions.

Trying again is a great act of bravery, perhaps stupidity, but mostly love. I recently had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and know how much it stings. I felt so happy and positive like you did during that time. The opposite of how I thought I would feel, only to have it end anyway. It is a different pain than losing my sweet girl who actually lived outside of me, but a great loss in of itself. I just ask myself if I can gather the strength one more time to try again. My doctor told me there was no reason to wait to try again (though I am older so time is of the essence). Don't lose hope. It's all we've got sometimes.
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterKim
This thread is quite heartbreaking but it is helping me feel less alone. I'm about a month behind still0517. I had a full term stillbirth this past June followed by a miscarriage in January. The ultrasound showed only an empty gestational sac.

It's reassuring that another poster had a stillbirth followed by miscarriage followed by a what so far is looking like a successful pregnancy.

I too am benched from trying for two cycles. May we both have successful pregnancies soon still0517.
February 9, 2017 | Unregistered Commenter6516legacy