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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > December pregnancy thread

Hi all,
Well, I'm not currently pregnant but I remember all too well this time last year being pregnant, missing my girl, and feeling pretty lonely. The pregnancy thread on Glow was great, even though they stopped right about when I needed them the most, at least reading old threads helped me cope.
So just offering to chat here with anyone currently pregnant that would like to share their story, what's up this week and trials and tribulations navigating pregnancy after bereavement.
Sending love
December 3, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi Gaby,
I was a follower of the monthly pregnancy threads for more than a year as I awaited my turn. I felt safe in seeing the happy ends and learned about all the anxiety that would await me as my own turn would come!
I am sorry about your daughter!
Nearly 2 years ago my baby boy died of a placente abruption. The emergency c section that followed made my doctor recomend a 18th month waiting period.I wanted so much to get pregnant again, these threads were like my goal! :)
On our first try out, we had a first trimester miscarriage, on april this year. By that time, the threads disappeared. But we are back in business, at 26w-1.
It is a boy, again. It has a one month delay in comparison with my earlier full pregnancies. Both my older daugther and my second son were due to the same date, ten years apart.
The proximity of events is driving me crazy... the up coming birthday is terrifying, because stupidely I think it might happen again, on the same day!
But it is nice to vent a little bit of my anxiety

Thank you Gabi for recreating these threads!
:)
December 3, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
I am 10 weeks along. I have been very calm throughout this whole pregnancy so far- I kept figuring that if I had a loss early on, I could at least be thankful I didn't have to go through what I did with my last pregnancy. We have our first appointment this week and the anxiety is starting to set in. We terminated for medical reasons since our baby was discovered to have no kidneys at our 20 week ultrasound. As we approach our first round of testing around the 12 week mark, I am beyond convinced we are going to be in the same position again. I don't think I can go through another tfmr again. I know anxiety is normal but after being on the end of bad statistics once, it's really hard to look at the odds and think it will probably be ok. I don't know how I am going to make it through the next few weeks.
December 5, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hi ladies,
Good to see some chatter!

Marta, wow, that must have been one heck of an emergency section! Did they have to do a vertical incision? I too had an abruption and an emergency section but it was the horizontal one so our doctor said 12 months between sections (which translated into waiting only three months.... I was so not ready to even think about it then, we waited 9 months). Do you know what your preference would be for this little one? Vbac or another section?
When is your son's birthday...? What's your next milestone?

Hi Abby. Oh, I understand all too well about statistics! I had a concealed abruption during labour at full term. No risk factors whatsoever. No symptoms of anything being wrong. I believe we had a 1 in a 1000 chance of that happening, and even less of Maia dying. When she was born they said she had a 1 in 8 chance of making it. I have never looked at stats the same (and I'm a freaking scientist by day). Sorry, didn't mean to take over, just wanted to say I understand.
When is your appointment?

Sending love and peace to all
December 7, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hey,
I think we are always afraid that somthing bad will happen, especially that the same something bad will happen!
I know that having a prior placenta abruption is an increased risk for repetition (oh goody!)
So Abby, just live day by day. I do hope you have a good ultrasound! :)

And to answer you Gaby, I will not have a normal delivery. I will have another c section. Placental abruptions are "rather common "during vaginal delivery, and nearly always fatal for the baby. No thank you very much! :)
For common I mean, they are the most common reason of fetal death during vaginal delivery, not that they happen frequently! They don't!

But, since we could never determine a cause for our event... I had some contractions starting in the middle of the afternonn, and 4-5 hours later it just dettached! Pedro died in just a few minutes.

His birthday is coming in 2 weeks! :(
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thanks for the support everyone. The only people I have now told are my husband, my therapist, and you guys :). First appointment was today. They did the blood draw and we have our first trimester screen ultrasound in a week and a half. Just trying to keep myself busy in the meantime. Of course we won't know if the baby has kidneys until 16 weeks. One thing at a time I guess.
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Gaby thank you so much for starting this thread. I was on this thread a year ago and it was so helpful during my pregnancy. The ladies were amazing.

I am just 4 weeks pregnant after having my third miscarriage in October. I'm struggling with the would have been scenario that I have previously. I would be almost 12 weeks. I would have a 4 year old and a 3 year and on and on. It's hard to think of those children that I should have and then know that the children who are here wouldn't be here. It will be another 4 weeks until I see my OB. I barely believe that this is happening 2 of my previous losses have been in December so it's a scary month for me and so many god damn emotions. All the damn time. I'm scared to go to the OB since it has been devastating so many times. I'm somewhat relieved I have another 4 weeks to prepare myself.

I hope you are all finding some peace this month.
December 8, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Dear Abby,
I am hoping everything will be fine on the ultra sound... One day at a time, one week at a time! It has to be like that!
Happy endings do come true... I must believe that, we must believe that!
Emily, I'm so sorry for you, but happy at the same time that you are back in business again!

:)
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi ladies,
How's everyone doing? I always found the weekends to be extra hard during my pregnancy post Maia. What's everyone doing to 'relax'? Perhaps distract is a better word!

Emily, welcome back. I know what you mean about conflicting emotions and should have beens. It's Maia's second birthday in 9 days and my mind keeps going back to that Sunday in 2014 and wishing I could change outcomes but also so very much in love with Maia's sibling who really probably wouldn't be here yet had we not lost her. I want both of my children with me. It's impossible but at the same time, it should be so straightforward nobody would question it. I mean who says 'nah, I only want one of my kids here with me'?! Ridiculous! But because we lost them somehow part of the world assumes we should be happy now. Pffft!!

Rant over :)

Marta, that was a similar thought process I had regarding the section.

Sending love and as much peace as you can soak in!
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi All,

Abby, I can only imagine how much anxiety you're feeling about getting to 16 weeks. I cried all the way through my 20 week ultrasound because I was so afraid. The tech was quiet the whole time which for me had always meant something was wrong. I finally managed to ask her if everything was ok. When she said yes I just started sobbing. One of the mantras we said on the thread last year was Today we are Pregnant. For some reason it always helped me take things one day at a time. I hope it helps.

We just got about a foot of snow where I am right now. So I am content staying in and watching the snow fall. The world is going to slow down for a few minutes this morning so I'm going to take advantage of it.

Gaby, I'll be thinking of Maia. I know this time of year is such a challenge for so many of us.
December 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
I just found out one of my friends who is due in March, he and his wife are having a boy. I had a dream last night (before finding this out) that they named their baby Lucas, and I was very upset about it. Our baby that we lost in May is named Lucas. I have no reason to think they will pick this name, but for some reason I am convinced. Our other friend is also due in March, and if all goes well with my current pregnancy, I am due in July. I have a fear that my current pregnancy is going to end badly, and then I will have to watch their babies grow up together, where my (now two) babies are missing. I have a less pronounced fear that they are both going to have boys, and I will have a girl, and I will always see my missing Lucas where he should be in the group (he should have been born this past September). Or maybe regardless of everyone's sex, I will always see a hole where Lucas should be. I haven't told anyone about my current pregnancy- it is still early (<12 weeks) and everyone responded so disappointingly when we lost Luke, that I don't want to go through that disappointment in friends again.

I am so worried about everything around this pregnancy, not least of which is having it all go well from a health perspective. It is so hard watching others sail through pregnancies - healthy scans, gender reveal, baby registry, etc. And I can't help but think every now and then, especially when I get some of my pregnancy symptoms that I shouldn't even be here. I should be home with a three-month old. I already did this part of the pregnancy!!! I am really really trying to stay positive, but I still miss Luke so much every day. I have a healthy two-year-old boy that I am immensely grateful for, so I also can understand being in that state of "ignorant pregnancy bliss". Despite all this, it's still hard not to watch others build their families without a hole where a child should be. I just wish none of us had to do that.

Gaby- Thanks for starting this thread.
December 12, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hi ladies!
I so understand you Gaby... life would be much ddifferent if Maia was still here with you... Maybe she would have a little brother, or maybe she wouldn't. Each child is. Just is, period. And if they left us, we will love them and miss them forever...
Maybe not with the same intensity, hopefully we will come to a certain acceptance of what can never be, but no one will ever replace them. Our heart is big enough to accomodate all of our children.
People really don't understand. They don't!
I have a much older daughter, she is eleven going on twelve. And many friends tryed to console me saying I had her!
Its true, I do, and god forgive i'd loose her too!
It did come to mind replying would you be happy without one of yours? Whom would you rather be dead?
come to think of it, I may have really actually replied that, maybe more gracefully!

:)
On a different mood,
i am felling so much more kickings and moving around... Next week I will go to my 3rd trimester ultrasound...
Which is nice, since next week will also be Pedro's second birthday! I am not sure what to do about it. My daughter does not enjoy when I go deep in depression remembering... She made her own grieving process, and to our own blame, we did not integrate her to minimize her sorrow. She never saw him! We thought it would be best if she did not have a visual reminder...
I still have mixed feelings about it, but... for her, he just disappeared and being the child she is, she never asked us what happened to him! To the "body" I mean.
So for next week Im scared, anxious... so many contradicting fellings. Because to some extent i am accepting the possibility that I will have a happy ending this time!
December 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hey Abby,

Hearing others news about their pregnancy is always a roller coaster for me. I always wonder what they've experienced. And I wonder too what my first, third, and fifth would be like with his/her brothers and cousins all of it would be different.

This always makes me think of gender hopes. Are you hoping for another boy? Right now I'm just wanting alive and healthy but part of me thinks I'm carrying a girl. I have no reason to believe this is the case just a hunch. Even writing this feels like I'm tempting fate.
December 13, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi ladies,

So much stuff to process...sometimes I feel I could talk for hours with other bereaved parents (and when I manage to meet with some, we do, haha!). It's so contrasting to when I drag myself to baby groups and I dread talking to regular parents, knowing eventually someone is going to ask if this is my first or say something about planning for a second, etc. I really value this safe place to chat.

Marta, that is tricky with your daughter. Have you considered 'making' something for Pedro's birthday? Like a Xmas ornament, a cake, a dreamcatcher, etc - something you could build / do together that it's not 'depressing'? I don't know, just a thought.

Abby, Lucas will always be missing, regardless of what happens to the rest of the universe. I understand what you mean about having done this bit of pregnancy already and wanting him here. I know some people have a target gestation where they think they can relax or be hopeful as it would be past their previous baby's gestation but in reality I think we all worry. Worry the first trimester because it's so fragile. The second trimester with dreaded anomaly scan. Third trimester where baby has chances to live outside the womb... But in theory it's safer to keep him/her in just a little bit longer... Like Emily said, one day at a time. This is a different pregnancy. A different story with a different ending (I read this somewhere).

On gender hopes...there's a couple of good links in this forum about this. I could babble my experience but don't want to take over the thread or annoy people with my parallels! All I'll say is I agree - - - pregnancy after loss is very different. We all want a healthy baby first and foremost. The gender of that baby is completely secondary but don't underestimate the impact the gender can have on your emotional stability! I think either way, same sex as before or opposite, it's complicated and it's one more of those things that has changed for us. But rest assured, you'll love this baby no matter what, just as you love all your children.

I'll stop here. Hope everyone is OK.
Sending love
December 14, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi All,

It's been quiet for a few days here so I thought I would see how everyone is doing.

Gaby, how are you doing with Maia's birthday is coming up? I've read back on the forum and there is a lot that has been written on the gender for subsequent pregnancies. It's such a hard one. Since all of my losses have been early I haven't ever known the gender but for my third pregnancy I was positive it was a girl. For my first and fifth I never had a strong feeling.

Abby, I've been thinking of you and hope you are ok.

Marta, how are you doing? Have you figured out how you are going to recognize Pedro's birthday with your daughter?

AFM, I am now 5w and at my FIL's house for a couple days before flying home. We only have a few days to get ready for Christmas once we are back and I'm not ready at all. It's allowed me to escape from some of my feelings but I know just cramming feelings down only lasts so long. My MIL passed on this fall and it's sad to be here too. Seeing my FIL so lost and the house so empty. I'm really wanting to run away at the moment.
December 16, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hi Everyone-

Gaby- I realize it must be Maia's birthday today. Thinking of you both. I know it must be very hard.

Marta- I like Gaby's suggestion about doing something creative with your daughter in honor of Pedro. I made a Christmas ornament through an ornament swap. My ornament was for another baby's family, and they made one for Luke. It felt cathartic to create something in his memory. Luke's brother is only 2, but I imagine doing something similar once he is older and can understand that he had a brother.

Emily- Glad to hear things are progressing well for you. Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law... as if everything wasn't hard enough already.

As for gender hopes, I feel awful admitting it, but I am hoping for another boy. Although I know deep down that the sex of the baby pales in comparison to health/livelihood, it's hard not to want to get back on track with my future with two little boys (both alive)... I have two little boys already, but one will always be an infant. We aren't going to find out the sex until we deliver (hopefully it is a GOOD delivery this time). I assume that once I hold the baby I will love it no matter what. Or maybe I will still miss Luke and it will take time to bond... I'll worry about that later if I make it past these other gates.

We have our first ultrasound tomorrow, and I keep wondering if today is the day I will look back on as "the day before we knew". I am hoping it all goes well of course, but I am trying to mentally prepare myself for bad news, so I have been reading up on the most common diagnoses from a 12 week ultrasound. I don't want to be caught off-guard again with not having heard of a diagnosis. Ah, pregnancy after loss. So many friends are pregnant and complaining about things like weight gain and acne, and while I appreciate that this is their life right now, I just cannot relate on any level at all.

It's good talking to you guys. I feel like a weirdo sometimes since I have more interaction virtually than I do with actual people, but in some ways, this is the least of my problems.
December 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hi ladies,
How's everyone doing? What a challenging time of year for all of us......

Emily, how are you coping? That is so rough being with someone else grieving a loved one on their first holiday. Massive well done for doing it, I hope it was as gentle as it could be.

Abby, please tell us how the scan went. I'm thinking of you.

Thank you all for your love thinking of Maia's birthday. It's so... Telling, I think, that I counted the days 'wrong'. My head is stuck on tragedy hitting us that Sunday... So the hardest day is Sunday for me. That 21st was a Sunday. So we booked a hotel for last Sunday and we went away. It sort of worked but at the exact time she was born, we weren't busy, just lying in bed with our son and we both looked at the clock. And cried. This time of year is so hard.
For her actual birthday, tomorrow, I'm baking a cake and we have balloons at home and the cemetery which we will release on the day she passed away (23rd). I've organised a wave of light with friends and family and also a 'wave of love'. For the latter, I asked people to do an act of kindness. Anything at all, to spread the love. Maia's love.

Anyway...

Marta how are you doing? What did you decide to do for Pedro's birthday?

Abby, I feel like an outsider too, many times. But not here. Bring on the weirdness :)

Hugs and love to all
December 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hi All,

Gaby, I love what you said about passing Maia's love along. I'm going to find an opportunity to share some love this week and think of her.

Abby, how did things go? I'm hoping that everything is ok.

AFM, I'm almost 6 weeks. I have been overwhelmed this week as my husband is gone on business and I had to travel cross country to get home with the kids and our dog. We got stuck for 5 hours in the airport. I broke down crying in an airport bathroom. It sucked and I was beyond stressed. Since I made it home I really have been lonely and sad. Before this week my 3 yr old had never seen me cry. It really freaked him out and I feel bad but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
December 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello again!

Gaby, happy birthday for your Maia... tomorrow... I understand the "sunday"thing! I have the friday :)
In the end we celebrated just the two of us, because I could not stress her more. She grew up too fast, and is on many occasions the grown up, but she is still only eleven. She is still naive enough to not fear the same result... I was so scared of loosing Rodrigo too on the same day!
But its passed, we are both still alive (and kicking).

We repeated the agenda of last year... took some flowers to the cemetary were there is no place for them... They said no ashes could be retrieved from such a small baby ( I would have been glad to be lied too, and would have supplyed even the contents of a regular ash tray).
There is no grave, nothing! We tried to do a small garden shrine... But I have six dogs, they climb high fences and destroyed everything... and it was no the same!

we discovered the grave of an old lady last year... the only one withouth flowers, and her name held some similarity... It was a sign, I thought. So we again laid there our flowers.
But we had 3 roses that we tried to throw to the sea... It was tiring going up the sand, but it was really beautifull seeing the flowers being taken away, floating in the ocean (note to self, next year avoid white roses because its hard to tell them apart from the sea foam.)

We had a little cake and lit his candle, but I was unable to sing him is birthday song... we stood in silence and then blew it together.

And then we picked Leonor from her grandparents, and pretended everything is as usual. I will include her, when she has a real brother to love and cherish... I will not had sorrow or fear of the future... Let me take that on alone!


That is all for tonight, I'll continue thursday!
December 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Marta- I really like sending flowers out to sea... we may do something similar on Luke's birthday in May. I was actually planning on scattering his ashes by an ocean but I couldn't let go of them just yet. Will see if I feel ready at some point.

Gaby- I think It's nice that your friends and family are supportive of your wishes for Maia's birthday. And I think the ideas are lovely. It makes me a little sad since I'm not sure my friends would react similarly supportively.

Scan went well yesterday- no anomalies so far. I will admit I am pretty relieved, but also trying to stay sober about it since, after all, everything also went fine at Luke's 12 week scan. My most prevalent emotion right now is guilt, interestingly enough. As the holidays approach it is getting harder as it's so apparent that Luke should be here and he is not. I know it's a hard time of year for all of us- which is sad since I used to love it so much.
December 21, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Hi all!

Abby -I'm so glad the scan was ok. I understand what you mean by last time too, but sometimes we need to focus on the present (not that I actually follow my own advises! ) ... It is good news!

I went to my 3rd trim scan, and it was all looking good! He is not too big (its an agravating thing for abruptions). We have decided that I will do another c section, thank god, because I was afraid my ob would force normal labour, all very nice but where risks of abruption also exist!
It is not like I could not do a normal labour and delivery... I had one such (induced), that lasted 14h of 2-3 min spaced contractions all the time and withouthany epidural. It did not frighten me before, it would not do it now with the exception of how many people have lost their full term babies during labour because of placental abruption.
I am sounding a little bit obssessed but...
December 22, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi All,

I'm guessing everyone has been busy with holiday events. I hope you all survived.

I am 7w today and woke up with a small amount of spotting. So I've been taking it easy today but feel like I don't know how to cope with any of this. I have been having pretty strong morning sickness for the past week which is really early for me. It usually takes until week 7 or 8 to really come on but this has been much worse. I took that as a good sign but now I'm doubting everything. I do not know how I'm going to do this for the next week and a half until I see my OB. Trying to focus on today not really succeeding.

How is everyone else?
December 28, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW
Hello ladies,

Apologies for the silence, challenging days here.

Emily, that is so stressful. How are you today? Keep taking it one day at a time, it's the only way to get there! I'm not sure if this is helpful at all but when I was pregnant with Mirko I kept telling myself there's nothing I could do until 24 weeks so just tried to focus on staying healthy, getting rest, doing some light exercise like walking to pump air through my veins. I also did some colouring books for adults to take my mind off my madness. Sometimes it even worked :)

Marta, Glad to hear things are looking good with Rodrigo and you have agreed a plan with ob that works for you. Did you discuss timing of delivery too? Do you have a date (yikes!!!!!)?

Abby, how are you doing now? Were the replies on the gender thread helpful? How do you feel?

One more holiday to go, ladies.... Hang in there...

Sending love to all
December 30, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterGaby
Hello everyone!
How are you all doing...
Emily I hope everything is working itself right! Keep calm and positive!
Gaby, I no longer focus on dates. It is a "tabu" for me because of my earlier unsuccesses.. There were many coincidences... this time I don't care to think on the subject! but no schedulling so far.Just for the next 2 OB appointments! We will get there!
One day at a time! He is still alive, that is all that matters to me!

Tomorrow is a new year and I am confident we will all have happy endings! :)
Lots of love and strenght to deal with this weird day where we look to the past and dream of the future!
December 31, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Hi all-

Emily- how are you doing? its so hard in the first few weeks since if you look at the internet, everything is both the sign of a normal pregnancy and a miscarriage. I had a lot of cramping in the first few weeks and it was either an ecoptic pregnancy or my uterus expanding normally. It's so frustrating that I just stopped googling and figured, as gaby noted, there is not much we can do until about 20 weeks anyway so I might as well try next to think about it. Sorry if that isn't helpful

Marta- sounds like everything is going well so far so that is good news! Your positivity is really admirable and I'm trying to let some of it rub off on me right now.

Gaby- thanks for your reply on the gender issue. I'm calming down, and I had a pretty good scare a day ago, so I am starting to just pray for a healthy pregnancy regardless. I try to remind myself that girl or boy, no baby will be Luke so it really shouldn't matter. Although it still often hurts when I think about this alternate reality instead of the one I had planned for,

Christmas was hard this year. It was the first without our baby boy, and most people didn't even mention him to me. We were with my in laws who overall, have been particularly insensitive. But one of my husbands aunts mentioned Luke to me and that made all the difference. My husband is also really excited about this next pregnancy already and it's hard because I am just not there yet. I miss Luke. I am scared this is going to end badly and he's already looking for a bigger house. On day at a time.
December 31, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAbby
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been thinking of you all over the past few days and of the new year starting and what it will mean for us. I'm praying for hope for all of us. That those little embers of love and hope are sheltered and cared for as we move forward.

Abby, I certainly hope I didn't start anything when I asked about your feelings about gender earlier. I can honestly say that I didn't mean a thing by it and hope you know I understand either boy or girl would bring feelings. I'm sorry the holidays were rough. The missing place of a baby at this time is so challenging. You are certainly right about the internet. Everything is supposedly normal at this point, even bleeding but I am cautious about everything now. The spotting stopped immediately and my morning sickness has continued with a vengeance so I'm fairly certain things are still progressing.

Marta, you are so positive! I admire that as well. I hope your next appointment comes quickly and has good news. How many weeks are you now?

Gaby, thank you for your thoughts and support! I know there isn't much to do between now and 24 weeks which seems like ages but I've always blamed myself for my losses so I just try to be as cautious as I can be for now. And try to stay in the moment of today.

It seems like my mood swings have finally slowed. I am no longer crying constantly which is making things more tolerable. Did you ladies have big emotional mood swings?

Much love to you all,
Em
December 31, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily BW