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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > (Not) a first-time mom

I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant with twins following the death of my son two years ago and an earlier miscarriage (no LC). Everything about this pregnancy looks promising, so far (post-endo surgery, IVF with PGD, reassuring ultrasounds, etc.), and I've just passed the point of my son's death and birth. While my partner is very understanding and similarly nervous, our families are--very kindly--pushing us to do all the "typical" things and then some: create a baby registry, sign up for a childbirth class / doula, make a birth plan, select all the baby gear, start the nursery, etc.

I feel incredibly grateful to be pregnant again, especially when I was starting to believe that it would not happen for us, but I don't trust the pregnancy completely. The idea of creating a baby registry online that might outlive our babies terrifies me, and that's hard to convey to well-meaning family and friends who see us as having "beaten" infertility and loss. I have a therapist who's been helpful, and I'll continue to see her regularly throughout the pregnancy and afterward, but do any of you have advice for how to prepare for new life while knowing all too well that it might not last? Is it normal to feel overwhelmed with new grief during a subsequent pregnancy? Do you ever stop feeling disconnected from non-loss parents?
October 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterIsaac's mom
We live in a different state than all of our family so we made the decision not to tell anyone. We called everyone the day he was born, including our parents. It was just what we had to do to get through the pregnancy. I made a registry, but not until a couple weeks before he was born. It was mostly a place to organize the stuff we needed since we didn't tell anyone it meant that we needed to buy everything ourselves. I put off buying anything g for as long as I could. There was never a point where I felt like I was ready to buy stuff because I never fully trusted that everything would work out. We bought all the necessities the week he was born and we were up late the night before setting everything up. Personally, it's been really important for me to honor my feelings of discomfort, if something feels wrong and uncomfortable then I don't do it unless I absolutely have to. If you are feeling uncomfortable with idea of registry and a shower and all of those things then my advice to you is to pay attention to that. Do what feels right for you and your partner and don't worry about what everyone else wants. You can even have a baby shower after they are born if you want to. It's your choice.
October 6, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant after the loss of our daughter at 30 weeks. I hope your therapist can guide you through this. Mine has been helping me distinguish between things that are about other people's feelings and things that are about taking care of myself - with the priority being taking care of myself. For me, there are some things on the baby preparation list that help me - making plans for maternity leave, child care, finding comfortable clothes, etc. There are other things - showers, nursery decorations - that are more about other peoples feelings. I think there is a lot of pressure to 'perform' as a pregnant women and I hope that you can find a way to put yourself first.
October 11, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmily's mom