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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Wanting to try again but my husband wants to wait


I'm just having a really tough time right now... We had to let our beautiful son Cillian go two months ago. I'm doing my best to process everything in as healthy a way as possible, and to be kind to myself and give myself all kinds of permission to say yes to the things that feel good and no to the things that don't, no matter what anyone else thinks. About three weeks ago I started to feel some soft markers of early pregnancy. My period hadn't returned yet, and I thought maybe I had gotten pregnant already. This thought brought me so much joy, it's like I was myself again (a new version of myself... I've been shattered and will never be the same, but I felt some of my sparkle come back). I know it wouldn't be Cillian and that no new baby will ever replace him. I would never want to replace him-- he's my second born, and he lives with me in every single moment of every day. But it's that hope... I needed that hope. For three weeks I had a new reason to get out of bed and eat well and be active and take my PNV-- a new fuel to drive me through my days. Anyway, I felt myself ovulate the other night, so I know I'm not pregnant now. I'm dreading this first period. I know it'll be so hard. The anguish I feel at my empty womb and empty arms and empty breasts is excruciating. I feel pointless as a woman (according only to my own definition of myself... Absolutely no judgement on others, only love...) at this point in my life if I'm not pregnant or TTC or being a mother. It is hormonal and biological and so powerful. Does anyone else ever feel this way? I talked with my husband (who I love with all my heart) about trying again, and he says he thinks he won't be ready to start trying until maybe this time next year if this-and-this-and-this-and-that are all in order. Maybe. I know rationally that a year isn't so far off, but to me it may as well be an eternity. It's so long. So many months of releasing an egg and letting it die. So much potential denied. I don't know how I will get though this year (maybe longer) without that hope. I should mention that I was a midwife, and since losing our son I feel like I absolutely can't go back to that. Not now. Maybe if I have another baby. Maybe never. It is too hard. And if I hear one more well-meaning and supportive person tell me that "this experience will make me such a better midwife" I swear I'll scream. Bugger being a better midwife. All I want is my son, and all my little chicks. So I'm feeling terribly lost because I don't have my baby, I don't have my career and we aren't TTC. How do I get through this? Where do I find the hope? All I want is to be pregnant again, or be trying. I'm almost at the point where I could beg him-- but I love him and I can't discount his own trauma. For those of you who were ready to TTC again right away, how did you be patient as you waited for your partner to come on board? I love him so so much and I can already feel resentment brewing as I perceive him as being the one with the power to withhold the thing I want so profoundly. I don't want that kind of wedge to come between us.
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore.
I went from being a midwife, a career which I loved, and joyfully expecting my long-awaited second child... to being babylost, heartbroken and working a minimum wage job.
I'm sorry for being such a downer. I'm usually a very positive person, but right now I'm feeling so lost, hopeless and raw.
Cillian would've been due in 16 days...

(I should also add that I take incredible joy in my oldest who is going on 12, but he lives in my hometown with his grandparents so that he could carry on at the same school until I settled into a relocation I had to make for work some months ago. And 12-year-olds don't need their moms as much as they used to, and I don't want to smother him in my grief.)
September 16, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCillian's mama
I'm so sad for your Cillian!
The grieving process is very different from person to person... it has a lot of stages, and you are stiil very early into it!
I felt the same way, when I lost my son at 34 w, and like you, he has an elder sister of now 11!
During the first few months I only though of getting over it by getting pregnant asap. Unfotunately, due to the events that led to Pedro's demise, I was told to wait at least 18th months. By one year after we tried again, but the time was good for us to settle each into his own acceptance...
Fathers have feelings, which they hide very deeply. My husband was terrified of loosing me! On our first try for a rainbow, we didn t make to the first trimester and he again felt like giving up. I was more like... we can gibve up if the next 3 times dont work!!!
My advice is talk to him about your feelings, his feelings, and maybe compromise!
He may feel differently in a few months, you may feel different...

But no, you are not alone!
all the best
September 18, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMarta
Thank you so much for your reply Marta. It helps so much to feel heard. I took your advice and asked my husband to share his feelings and fears with me. I still want to start TTC now, but it's easier to deal with having to wait for him now that I better understand some of his fears and vulnerability.
I'm so sorry that we must meet on here, because we've both lost babies. I'm sorry for your Pedro, and how much you and your husband and daughter must deeply miss him.
September 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterCillian's mama
I'm so sorry about your little Cillian. I lost my baby boy, Jace at almost 16 weeks on July 8th, 2016. Ever since the end of July, I too, have had the intense feeling of wanting to try again. My other half gets very upset when I mention wanting to try. He too comes up with all sorts of things he wants to get done before we try. He won't even give me a tentative date either. My dr had said we can try again the end of October/November and as this time is approaching I find myself drowning in the emptiness all over again. I have decided to wait until the end of November to bring it up to him again but I just don't know how or what to say. He won't tell me how he's feeling. All he can say is "I'm just not ready yet."
October 19, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

I am so sorry you have had to say goodbye to Cillian, Jace, and Pedro. We lost our first baby on 31st July at 16weeks. She was perfect. I have now had 3 periods, all of them have devestated me. Reminding me (as if I need it), that I am an incompetent mother.

I am wanting ttc, like you my husband is scared. Scared of going through this torture again, being a dad, loosing me. It is hard to convince him that its ok. That I need this hope. That now I know that this is a possibility for us that I want it so so much. I guess they come round. My husband's attitide is if it happens.

Good luck to you all on your onward journeys to ttc. I wish us all perfect pregnancies in the near future xx
October 26, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterEmma