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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > How do you deal with the disappointment?

How do you deal with the disappointment of not getting pregnant? We have only recently started trying after our full-term loss (4 months ago). When I got my period, I was crushed, sobbing hysterically for days, and then just felt defeated. The thought of not having a child is worse than the thought of facing this disappointment, but are there little things that help you get through each month? How do you deal with the emotions? And also, how do you stay connected with your partner so that intimacy seems actually intimate, and not just like work or a task to get through? Thanks
September 9, 2016 | Unregistered Commenteranon
We lost in mid-May and August was our first month back on the saddle. I was so angry the whole time - like WHY are we even doing this? WHY do we have to? I'm scared to get pregnant after our umbilical cord accident (also first-time pregnancy)...but at the same time, it's all I want and the only thing I have left to hope for. We didn't get pregnant, which I'm ok with because it would have been the same timeline, but of course I was still hoping for some sort of miracle. The TWW is horrible, especially after what we've been through. I was symptom spotting like crazy. I have no idea how NOT to do that going forward. Today we took a day trip so I think on the weekends I'm going to just try to fill up as much time as possible, and the weeknights after work try to keep as busy as possible. Easier said than done :( As for the intimacy, I'm trying not to pressure my husband too much and make it a chore. He's aware of the key dates as I put in the calendar, so it's nice that he sees it w/out me reminding him and I feel like it's putting less pressure. Curious to see what others have to say on this because clearly we need tips too :)
September 10, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterNK
So hard. My situation was complicated so it took a long time to get pregnant again which was so frustrating. I really felt like my life was revolving around fertility so I tried make other plans to distract us from the focus on fertility. In the 2 weeks before ovulation I did things I enjoy but wouldn't be able to do once I was pregnant (like going out for drinks with friends) to try to console myself and pass time before trying again. I made fitness goals for myself to get back in shape before my next pregnancy knowing I'd have a high risk pregnancy and wouldn't be able to exercise. I also tried to develop some techniques (journalling and meditation) that would help me deal with stress once I did get pregnant. Therapy and a support group helped a lot. And I made a point to plan dates with my husband that weren't around ovulation time to keep some romance in our relationship--I think that was really important for us. I found new hikes for us to try, I bought a museum membership since I figured we'd go if we paid for it ahead of time--basically new experiences to enjoy together that had nothing to do with baby loss or fertility. I hope that helps.
September 13, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterg
I am in the same boat as both of you, losing our daughter at fullterm four months ago and trying again. currently waiting until I can pee on a stick again. the first period coming back was so hard, but it took two trys last time. Keeping busy has helped with the waiting period, after I had a negative results I worked out litle crazy to get out my frustration so that I could be there to cupport my husband and so that we could not make it a chorse for when we were trying. I journal as well, helps with getting the feelings out. I also talk to our angel baby and that helps ease my mind. Knowing that her sibling will come when it coms and will be hand picked by her, as they wouldnt be here without her.

hugs, this site has been great for support and to know that we are not in this alone.
September 14, 2016 | Unregistered Commenterstill0517
I am on the same time line, and really struggling with this. My period just arrived today, and it just sucks, to say the least. I know I need to find something to distract myself, but it is so hard. I know longer trust my body to do what it needs to do.
September 20, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterDA
When we were trying the first time, it took 4 or 5 tries so I didn't expect it to come easy this time either but I didn't anticipate the effect the added stress of a loss would have on me. We lost our baby girl in March at 22 weeks. We waited a few months before trying again to make sure we were strong enough and that the cause of her death wasn't genetic. Thankfully it was not and we can thoeretically have healthy children but getting pregnant has seemed impossible. The stress has caused delayed ovulation and shorter luteal phases along with soul wrenching sadness every time I get my period. The repeated assurance that "you'"" have a baby when you stop trying" makes me want to scream. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
October 17, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterLE