My baby girl Alana passed away 6 months ago and now I am pregnant again. So many emotions I don't know where to start. I'm happy that I've been blessed with this new life inside of me but I'm angry that my Alana isn't here to share in this joy. I'm scared, so scared that I won't love this baby as much as her or that because of my grief I'll mess this child's life up with my sadness. I feel like with every thought of this baby a dream I had made about Alana growing up fades. I have moments where I don't want this baby because all I want is her. How horrible is that? I feel so much guilt at points it feels unbearable. I just want to know if this will get better. So many people keep telling me these cliche quotes "there's always sunshine after a cloudy day" I know they mean the best but after hearing things like this over and over they just make me want to throw up. I just want to hear from someone who knows my pain. Unfiltered raw and just real. Thank you.

I got pregnant 3 months after my son died at birth and I have a healthy living daughter who is less than a year younger than him. I felt many of the same things you describe and I was especially worried that I would have trouble bonding with her and it would mess her up psychologically.

It turns out I am so totally in love with my little girl. She is absolutely perfect. I still wish I had BOTH of my kids, but she is special and wonderful in her own way and it makes perfect sense to love them both. She knows about him and even talks about him sometimes now. (She is 2.)

The people telling you things about sunshine are being totally thoughtless.

I'm in almost the exact same spot Shannon, now being pregnant after losing my son during a full-term birth in July, and I can completely relate. Our close family know we're expecting, and a few friends, but those comments are the exact reason I don't want to tell anyone else. I don't want the assumption that now everything is fine because we've got a replacement baby. I don't want anyone to think this baby is a replacement for our son, because he's irreplaceable. I have moments where I'm hopeful for the future, and we talk about this baby being born and coming home with us. We even have names picked out (the girl name would have been our son's if he was a girl). I also have moments where I'm so worried that something will go wrong, and that this baby won't make it home with us either. I think the waves of emotion I feel about this pregnancy sometimes feel like the waves of emotion I felt and still feel about my son, and as overwhelming as they feel in the moment, they always pass. One day at a time...

I totally agree about the rainbow/sunshine quotes. I did however find one that I felt did justice to my feelings, I shared this before I shared my pregnancy online:

"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean the storm never happened or that someone is not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope"

Shannon,
I recently found out that I am pregnant again as well. Our daughter died a little over 4 months ago right before birth. I feel a lot of the same things that you do- When I am find myself excited about this baby I feel so incredibly guilty. I know that I did not embark on this pregnancy to replace our daughter, but somehow the evil thoughts in my mind tell me something different. Like they say, we are our own worst enemy. On top of everything else, I am so stressed that this baby won't live either. I feel like I am cursed, like I am not worthy of being happy.

I pray that you have a happy and healthy baby. Somehow, someway, we will find a way to be happy and to raise these beautiful babies while keeping the memory of our little angels alive.