I'm pregnant again, and I'm experiencing all the obvious mixed emotions. I'm thrilled, yet terrified, among so many other things. It's so early, and I haven't even been in for my first ultrasound yet. Obviously, I hope everything goes perfectly throughout, but this early, I'm trying not to think about it much yet either. Also I'm waiting to tell anyone until after the first ultrasound, and then I probably wait until I start showing to tell more people.

But, regardless, I have a question for everyone further down the road. Did it go okay when you told BLM friends your news? I think I could be happy for other BLMs if the roles were reversed, but I'm thankfully pregnant fairly soon after my loss, so this will make me a first rainbow pregnancy (again, assuming things go smoothly) among those close to my timeline. And I know they could experience mixed feelings about the news.

Just curious. Thanks in advance for your answers.

A few months ago a BLM in real life I know let some other BLM's know that she was pregnant. I, personally, was so happy for her. In a weird way I felt like she deserved to be pregnant versus all the non-BLM's pregnant ladies I seem to see all the time.

Yes, I wish I could say back to her that I was pregnant as well - but I wasn't upset. And, the rest of the BLM's that she told seemed to feel the same way. They were happy that she might be on her way to having a living child.

So, for you - gentle congratulations and best wishes.

ABird

Hi Anon,
A quiet congratulations to you on your pregnancy, and I get the mixed feelings about sharing in general. I can't speak for everyone, but in my almost 5 years since my baby died, there has never been a situation where I was not happy for a fellow BLM sharing pregnancy news. For 4 years+ after my loss, I struggled with infertility issues and deep philosophical questions about moving forward in my life childless, not to mention the horrible grief. But still, there was never a time when I wasn't elated when I heard about another BLM's pregnancy. I am not going to lie, though, there were times when I did feel like "Why can't this happen for me, too?" But I do think that anyone who has experienced the death of their baby, the pain and devastation it brings, knows & understands the *hope*, excitement, trepidation, and significance of a new pregnancy in the wake of such misery. There may be a chance that your BLM friends will feel a twinge of why-not-me, but honestly I cannot believe they would begrudge you any happiness. Still, it is helpful to be humble, and be extra sensitive to how they may feel. Gushing is probably not a great idea.

I am currently at 32 weeks of a pregnancy that I never in a million years dreamed was possible. It was a long and painful road to arrive at this place (and I still have not even really "arrived"), but I think it is important for all people involved in your life, including fellow baby loss parents, to recognize that everyone has their own individual struggles. We cannot prioritize ourselves in terms of who "deserves it the most" (though of course, we often feel that way anyway). None of us deserved to have our baby taken from us in the first place. When I shared my news in the bereavement group I attend, I knew there would be a few people who would feel some hurt, but what about my hurt and longing all those years? And a new pregnancy is certainly not a get-out-of-grief-jail-free card... I don't know, do I sound like a totally selfish prig? I don't mean to -- I just feel like everyone takes these things in their own way, and hopefully, everyone gets to take another swing at happiness again -- eventually. Don't ever feel like you need to apologize that something wonderful has happened to you (especially after something really shitty happened to you) & just do your best to be loving and compassionate to those whose time will hopefully be coming soon. Best of luck to you.

I got pregnant with my rainbow a little less than 3 months after my daughter's death and birth. Like you, I was the first of many Blm friends to become pregnant. And like you, I was worried about sharing the news with many. I tried to tell everyone gently, but I can honestly say that every one of them seemed so supportive to me. I also took their lead in talking about the pregnancy.

My rainbow daughter is now almost 3 months and many of my Blm friends are now pregnant again. I think I am a big support to many of them now since I know how that subsequent pregnancy feels.

So you're right to worry a bit, but I think you will find most of your Blm friends will be thrilled for you. Good luck!

Adding on here, as I maybe shouldn't have posted when I was up at 4 am. When I wrote you are "right" to worry, I meant that you are kind to worry. That you recognize that your news won't be easy for everyone to hear, and I am sure you will acknowledge that when you share. I didn't have a ton of support while in my anxiety-inducing subsequent pregnancy- one or two Blm friends whose losses were a couple years before mine. But now I can be that same support for so many of my other Blm friends since I was one of the first to become pregnant with a rainbow baby.

I wish you an easy 9 months!

The part about other BLM's was very interesting. I decided not to try again after losing my daughter in July 2013 and my subsequent miscarriage a year later. When I hear of other BLM's pregnancies, it's strangely easier to deal with than as ABird saif non-BLM's pregnancies. I am actually happy for my fellow BLM's. They have been through this road of sadness and deserve some joy. I find that the non BLM I know are insensitive about their pregnancies and that is only when it becomes an issue. They see my distance as an issue of jealousy which it truly isnt. I just dont feel so comfortable. I wish you well Anon, be strong, be brave, be hopeful.