I need some help, please. My husband and I lost our daughter this past August, I was 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Our doctor believes that our daughter died from a cord accident, none of my other lab tests came back positive and our daughter was completely healthy. My pregnancy was perfectly perfect until it wasn't. I am feeling really guilty because I want another baby. We put all of our hopes and dreams into our precious angel baby and now we are lost. No, I am not looking to replace our daughter, please don't think that...My husband and I are jut so lost and alone... We were and are prepared to be parents, but how do you parent someone who is no longer here? My heart and arms are just so empty. What should I do? Is it normal to be feeling this way? I often lie away awake at night thinking about the future, what if we are alone forever? What if for some reason I can't get pregnant again? A future without a family seems unbearable. I'm missing my pregnancy and my baby so much...

I just lost my son, Max, on 12/8/15. I was 25 weeks 6 days and I was told that my placenta was not working properly and he was measuring 3 weeks behind, so something had happened 3 weeks before. I developed pre-eclampsia, which was just my bodies way of telling me that was something was wrong. I had an emergency c-section and my son was born alive at 450 grams, but he could not breath on his own and they tried to keep him alive for 20 minutes before we let him go. The kicker in all of this is that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and after 2 rounds of IVF, we finally had success. I have to believe that it is normal to feel the way you are feeling because I feel the same way. I know the road I have ahead of me to become pregnant again and that in itself is daunting. I was told by the pastor that is going to do our small service for Max that we may never know why we were given this precious gift for it only to be taken right away from us, but to know that my son's life did have purpose. It might help me heal a little bit more if I knew what that purpose was, but apparently I am supposed to be content in not knowing. I have never felt so empty in my entire life. I am sorry you are going through the same thing, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

"My pregnancy was perfectly perfect until it wasn't"

I've said the same thing. It's so cruel that this happens without warning. I lost my daughter at 33 weeks in 2014 and I'm so sorry this has happened to you too. And to you, too, Julie.

I know how maddening it is not to have an answer, something which would explain it all and remove any sense of guilt (mine is huge, but really it makes no sense at all to berate oneself in the absence of any reason). We were told probable cord compression but there were incidental findings - this organ was bigger than normal, this bit of the placenta was inflamed - all things we were t

It is much more likely than not that you will go on to have more children. If you've conceived before you can again. I know that fear though. It keeps me awake at night. I'm at the 'advanced maternal age' level now, and that too worries me.

I've waited to TTC till recently because it was right for us and we had an older child already who needed me sane (suffer from PND, so another pregnancy was/is a potential disaster for my mental health) - so a bit different -, but if you need to have another baby now then that is absolutely what you should aim for, and with no guilt. We don't judge mothers of living children who have another shortly after the first, after all.

Thinking of you and your precious girl.

Im sorry one of my paragraphs ended mid thought! I think I was just trying to say I pored over every detail of her autopsy only to be told that none of it added up to a definite cause and that is something I've just got better at living with :)
Take care and hoping things become more bearable

Julie and Cyan, thank you for your kind replies. I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry that you have gone through what I have been through. I keep thinking this nightmare is going to end-did this really happen to me? Sometimes I wake up and think that maybe Scarlett will return, God made a mistake and is giving her back to us. I want to believe that my husband and I will go on to have living children, it's the only hope I have right now. I have this innate desire to mother someone-I'm doing the best I can for Scarlett, but I would also love to mother a living child that I can kiss and snuggle everyday. I'm praying for you both.

Julie, your loss was so recent. While I am only 4 months out, I promise you will survive. For the first 2 months I was a zombie, I woke up everyday with the metallic taste of death in my mouth. I'm so sorry for you and for your husband and for the loss of beautiful Max.

My twin pregnancy was also fine until suddenly it wasn't at 21 weeks, when it was discovered that my cervix had completely disappeared in the 3 weeks since my last ultrasound. I was admitted to the hospital, an emergency amnio reduction was performed in combination with a rescue cerclage, which got us all through about 3 more weeks to 24 weeks on Oct 1st. At that point my first daughter's water broke, followed by her cord becoming prolapsed as she became lower and lower in my body, so I then had to go through an emergency C section. I was so sure that somehow everything would be OK - I'm a good person who always plays by the rules, we had tons of people praying for us, and we've endured 5 years of heartbreak trying to have our children. But apparently none of that was enough - we had to physically let go of daughter Evelyn 3 days later on 10/4, and daughter Roselyn 33 days later on 11/2.

I always wanted a daughter, and I am beyond distraught and angry that God/Fate/Powers that Be would let me believe I am being blessed with two beautiful daughters, then take them both away, not even letting me keep one. There are just no words. I thought these girls were my Rainbow babies, since I had an early miscarriage in February with my first IVF. I try and be grateful that at least I got to see them, how incredibly beautiful they both are, and hold Roselyn skin to skin, but it's so hard to feel the positive amidst such overwhelming tragedy, especially when everyone else around you gets to both conceive and keep their children, no problem. I broke down last night trying to grapple with the thick pages of medical bills that are still coming in due for both girls. What a Merry Christmas, Happy 60th Bday to my Mom/their Grandmother, and Happy Bday to me in January, when my girls should have been arriving. Even going back to work is tough to figure because my one coworker is 8 months pregnant now.

Julie - I feel the same as you, after going through years of IUIs and IVFs to conceive our beautiful girls, then have them taken away, and my advancing age, and worries of funds to try again, all so distressing.

Ashleigh - I think it's totally normal to feel this way. While nothing can replace my beloved girls, everything beautiful in Life is dimmed for me now without having living children to share it with, and give everything full purpose and meaning. So the only reason I really have to keep going is to try and bring Evie's & Rosie's siblings into our lives as quickly as healthily possible, so that's my primary goal and I am just counting the days until then. It's also normal for others to want to wait. However we feel, it is normal.

Sorry this post is so long, but thank you for letting me share, and I send much love and comfort to you all. I am so beyond sorry that all of us have to go through such indescribable tragedy.

Dear Anabelle and everyone else who has commented on this post,
It's painstakingly hard to read through these baby loss stories. God, I am so sorry. Life is so unfair...Everything we were taught growing up seems twisted and untrue. We were taught to believe that the opposite of up is down, the opposite of right is left, and that good things happen to good people...All of that is crap. Horrific things happen to really good people. There is no rhyme or reason to life and death. I agree with you, there are some women who have no trouble getting pregnant and bringing a baby into this world, and then there are others who try and try and try and nothing seems to be going right for them. Thank you for the reassurance about trying again. I find myself feeling really guilty-I'm mourning the loss of my one and only beautiful baby girl while trying to bring another one into this world? It doesn't make sense and I hate that I have been put in this situation. Anabelle, we too had/have enormous stacks of hospital bills. Our doctor's office gave us a summary of what the delivery would cost only they forgot to add/mention the hospital stay...We were/are expected to pay an additional $3,000. God it's so awful. We are paying for a baby that isn't even here. I am devastated and extremely broken hearted.

Ashleigh,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I want to let you know that I've felt every feeling you are writing about. My son passed away a little over a year ago shortly after he was born at 39 weeks of a very healthy normal pregnancy. I had a strong desire to try again right away. I felt that I needed to-not to replace my baby boy- but to have something to hope for again. In my opinion, it's a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong. Some people wait years to try again and many of us try again soon after. Just do what you feel is right. Personally, it was six months after my son was born that I was blessed to be pregnant again and I'm in the last few weeks of my pregnancy right now. I can tell you it has been tough but also healing and I truly believe it was the right decision for my husband and I.

This quote has summed up my feelings on the matter:
"'Rainbow Baby" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

Sending good vibes your way and wishing you peace as we get through this holiday season.

~E

I am so sorry for your losses. They are heartbreaking, and the idea that other people are going through what I am going through is dreadful.

I just lost my baby girl December 28--that was the day she was born and the day she died. I was 37 weeks. We had ten (!) ultrasounds, always showing my baby was in PERFECT health. NSTs were great, too.

I had developed pre-eclampsia about 2 weeks' prior, to her birth, so I was being monitored very closely. We scheduled a C-section for 9 am, and I remember thinking, "Man, this is going to be great. Everyone is so positive, this is so routine, we're on our way!" Well, she came out with a low heart rate and then never took a breath. I'll never ever forget hearing "Starting compressions" and asking my husband, "Is she alive?" He responded, "They are working on her." In my wildest nightmare I never imagined she wouldn't make it.

The autopsy has revealed nothing, and so far, pathology reports aren't showing anything, either. Our OB is struggling with this, searching for answers. In 20 plus years of practice, she has only lost one other baby.

I am 39 years old, and without answers, wonder, is it safe to try again someday? I don't feel we have much time to decide, given my age.

We talk about things like (potentially) adoption too, but there is something like a 10% chance a birthmother would change her mind. While those odds seem pretty good, the odds that we would lose our baby in the manner that we did round down to 0%, so to me, 10% sounds like horrible odds!

Oh Sarah, I am so beyond sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, and for the loss of all of our beloved children - it is all just beyond unfair. I feel like I'm just kind of doing my best to somehow try to live in this Hell, while the rest of the world moves on around us as if nothing had happened.

I hope your OB continues to search for answers, or at least some clues to your loss - I do think it's added difficulty/pain to not have some answers as to the cause of the loss. I have some answers, but not 100% definitive, and I think a lot of loss Moms never get those definitive answers. Our future TTC journeys & pregnancies are already going to be anxiety filled for all of us anyways, but to not have even some assurance of things that can be done differently to prevent a similar loss, is just added difficulty we don't need. And I agree, my view on percentages/statistics now is completely changed, and I just feel like the most unlucky person to be in this small statistic group of 4% or less. I feel like all those baby books lied, barely mentioning any of these things that happened to all of us, if they mentioned them at all. As you said, now even if the odds seem good for something, we know we already ended up on the small minority losing side before, so even knowing something is statistically 90% or even 95% likely to go well, doesn't make us feel assured anymore. I think we've all been through more than any one person should have to endure, and *should* be spared any additional loss and grief. If only I could guarantee the world would work like this for all of us.

I do know there is still hope for us though, and lots of loss moms do go on to have healthy living children. Like you, my age is definitely a factor after already trying for 5 years to conceive and then lose our daughters, and I feel a total deficit not having living children at this point, so I want to move on TTC again as quickly as possible. In my case that involves consulting with several doctors and driving 4 hrs out of state for a consultation about whether transabdominal cerclage surgery would be best for me, before we can transfer another embryo. Like you, I would also be open to looking at adoption. That's really my only reason to keep going at this point, to hopefully get to that time when my future children are safely in my arms.

I wish so much that I could change things for you, and for all of us, to just have our beloved children back safely with us. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone, and I am wishing you as much peace and comfort possible as you continue on in whatever way that feels most right for you. <3