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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Sister's trying and its complicated!

Hello everyone, my story seems common to this site, I lost my baby girl three months ago right before her due date. We waited years to try for her because we were trying to be responsible and save money, so after our loss we decided to try again right away. We never wanted to replace her, we needed to be parents, real parents to a living child.

Last Friday was the 12 week anniversary of the day we lost her heartbeat and the night I was in labor. This is the night my sister decides to call me. My sister is a lesbian, and is married to a woman. She asks "the doctor told ***** to start taking vitamins, should we buy prenatals or folic acid?" I froze, she then said "did you catch my drift?" All I was able to say was I'm having a really bad night.

Now flash forward, a week later I finally got two lines! Bfp! I told my family and this time my sister was speechless...

I don't know how she feels but I reassured her that I'm happy for them, that they are ready, and I hope it goes well -it was just terrible timing, I had just pulled myself together from a breakdown when the phone rang.

Now I have been told by my brother thaty sister has asked him to be a sperm donor so that she can have a blood related baby with her wife. My brother and I are VERY close, I just feel so betrayed, but I also feel so selfish

I'm happy that I am now pregnant, and if all goes well, I will still have the first grandchild, even though we lost Brie. But as a mother who has lost a baby I know all too well that things can go wrong, I may not be lucky, and if that is the case, and my siblings go ahead with this I will be heartbroken every time I see that child ...

I'm just so scared that something will go wrong, that things will change in an instant, that everything will seem perfect and I will be on top of the world only to be pushed off the highest cliff.

I need to take a deep breath, today I am pregnant.
September 2, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterBrie's mom
I lost my first son in July and can only imagine how something like this would make me feel. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Yes, today you are pregnant.
September 2, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew's Mom
Thank you for understanding, I have been feeling so selfish for feeling this way but I just can't shake it.. I just want her to wait because it would be easier on me, but that's no way to live her life either, based on my feelings.. I understand all sides of this but my loss is still so fresh, and before we lost our baby she was planning to wait a while but now she has the baby bug I guess
September 3, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterBrie's mom
I totally understand. If my SIL has a baby before we can try again and get another child here living and healthy, I will flip my shit. I know it's selfish, but I don't care. It would really bother me. I don't expect her to plan her life around me, but it would totally make me upset.
September 3, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMatthew's Mom
times like these when it is better to focus on yourself and let others drop away for a while. sounds like you just don't have the emotional energy to deal with this situation gracefully -- no one will blame you if you can explain that you are feeling sensitive. work on yourself and maybe try to recognize that you have already had the first grandchild. others may not think so, may never think so -- but you know so and once you can own that i think you will feel better and not get caught up in the drama of what other people are doing.

it is so hard. a lot of relationships have changed for me but you have to take care of yourself just to get through and carry on with your current pregnancy. best of luck to you.
September 3, 2015 | Unregistered Commenteranon
Brie's Mom- First I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter and that you find yourself here. It is so hard to navigate family dynamics after a loss.

Amelia died January 2014 during labor. She was the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family and they were all overjoyed that we were expecting. As you can imagine, it was hard for everyone after she died.

In September, we got pregnant again and told my husband's sister. She responded that she was so happy because she was 10 weeks pregnant and wasn't sure how to tell us. We went on to lose that baby at 6 weeks. I pretty much lost it and told my husband's whole family that if her baby overshadowed Amelia that I would never speak to them again and that I would keep any future grandchildren from them. Not my finest moment but grief does that to a person.

I saw my SIL in November, her baby was born in April and I finally saw her and the baby last week (just saw, I didn't hold or pretty much acknowledge the baby). I didn't attend holidays with her pregnant and didn't want to hear anything about her baby- didn't go to the shower or anything. I do not regret this in any way. I had to do what helped me and protected my heart from losing two babies and dealing with years of infertility. No one understands- even my hubby- and that is ok with me. I wish it were different- I wish that Amelia was toddling around and being an active 20 month old right now but that is not how my life turned out.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant and hoping that this baby comes home but it will never fix any of it. It will never make me forget Amelia even if those around me do.

I write all of this rambling story to tell you that you are not alone. That these feelings are normal and it is ok for you to step back and protect your heart. Life is not the way it should be but it is the life we were dealt. I have learned that if no one will protect me then I will.

I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation but please know that you are not alone. The circumstances may be different but we are all dealing with the fallout of losing our babies.
September 3, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterAmelia's Mom
Brie's mom, I am so sorry your daughter is not with you and that you are now faced with the uncertainties and fears of another pregnancy. You lost her so recently, the wounds are just so fresh! I pray everything goes well and you welcome Brie's sibling next spring.
I wish there was something I can say to take some of you pain away. Don't forget we've all been there; you are a great person and a great mother and a great sister. You will navigate the complexitities of your situation as best as you can. Wishing you lots of love and peace and healing. At the end of this, maybe your second baby will love having a younger cousin to play with.
September 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMaria
Wow, thank you all so much for the kind words. I always seem to forget how wonderful this space is, and how many loving women are really willing to share just to make me feel a tiny bit better.

I had dinner with my brother yesterday to talk this through, he wanted my and my husbands opinion... When he had arrived I asked how he was feeling about the idea of donating sperm. He said it doesn't matter anymore, my sister had changed her mind.

I was shocked. As it turns out if they located their own private sample the process would take longer because the sperm would need testing and processing, it would add about six months to the timeline.
Sounds like they were not willing to wait that long, but will get an anonymous sample now instead.

I'm relieved, but also annoyed that they are in such a rush that they would make that kind of decision.

I have decided that I need to embrace this new pregnancy. It occurred to me that if the unthinkable should happen I will hate myself if I continue to feel so disconnected, I need to feel like this baby feels loved, just like Brie did. This is a unique pregnancy and a unique baby, and hopefully I will have a fairytale ending, but if I don't, at least I will find peace in knowing I gave this baby as much of myself as I could.

Ameila's mom, I really appreciate the honesty of how you really reacted, it makes me feel okay about this, and human, thank you.

Anon, thank you. I was really thinking that I might miss my chance to have the first grand baby, but you are so right, and I know that's how my parents feel about it too, thank you.

Mathew's mom, I'm sending you love and luck and baby dust! We all deserve another chance for living babies! My husband said it wasn't fair, and I should get a "get out of pregnancy free card" for all my hard work and it just feels so true!
September 4, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterBrie's mom