Who am I to even complain?

Our Maeve and William joined us 2 months ago, a bit early, IUGR scare but we made it.


And yet their siblings would have been a little over a year right now. Elizabeth and Daniel. I have never written their names before now.

We lost them in agonizing waves. Elizabeth just....died inside of me at 13 weeks. The doctors asked did I want to miscarriage "naturally" or have a D&C. I couldn't bear being her coffin. So my last memory of my daughter inside me I am crying on a table and being given anesthesia. My husband said he heard me crying even through the drugs. Apparently you can talk in twilight anesthesia.

I didn't heal from the d&c. I got weaker. Wan. I was fading. I collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. My fertility specialist arrived. There was still Hcg in my system. I was still pregnant. My son died at 15 weeks inside my body. Heterotopic.

I still grieve them. I didn't have the were withal to ask for remains. I regret that bitterly. In the rawness right after I wanted to just die so I could be with them.

I look at my twins now and terror grips me. I would do anything to protect them. I can barely breathe thinking of Elizabeth and Daniel, I could scarcely add more to that.

My mother feels I should just be over it. Part of me died with them.

Laura, I am so glad Maeve and William arrived safe, and I am deeply sorry Elizabeth and Daniel didn't make it. I think it is perfectly normal that you are still grieving their loss even though you are a new mum to living babies.

I also feel a part of me died along with my three sons earlier this year, and I don't know yet what it feels like to have a living baby, but I now have one on the way. I know I will always grieve my darling boys, even if I get to parent a new child.

Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel it all, the joy of being a brave new Mumma to Maeve and William and the pain of losing Elizabeth and Daniel. We have an amazing capacity to be able to deeply feel such extreme emotions at the same time.

Laura, I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Elizabeth and Daniel. I'm missing my babies Leo and Sofia despite welcoming their brother Rowan to our family in February. It's not as it should be and that is painful. Your mother means well but is wrong to rush you through grieving. Love to you.