Yesterday I panicked that I felt no movement, so we took a trip into hospital to be monitored. All is well, the midwife found our baby pod's heartbeat with no problem, and everything is ok. But I am as much broken by the experience as I am relieved...

I am so very aware of the preciousness of the life that I contain. I love little pod so much, yet I just can't help feeling so sad. If only the trip we took into hospital 19 months ago could have found Zephyr's heart beating. If only we could have walked out of the hospital, as we did yesterday, with the reassurance that everything was ok. It's brought everything flooding back, crystal clear memeories of all that we went through when we first learned that Z had died.

I feel wrecked by the crazy spilt between relief and grief, and so confused. I want both of my boys. I wish Zephyr was here to know his brother, and to be known by him. I wish he was here in my arms today. The last few months of this pregnancy feel like they're going to be tough.

Thank you for reading. x

Thinking of you Z's Mum. That had to be very scary with lots of mixed emotions. I'm thankful that your midwife was able to find the heartbeat right away. I've read in a grief book that those moments are called "ambushes"... I've had a few myself and it knocks you to your knees. Take some time to think about Zephyr. And then take time to think about this baby and remember that today you are pregnant. Pod is a different baby, a different pregnancy and different experience.

Sending you a gentle hug and peace for these last few months.

~AS

Oh Z's Mum ,

I'm so sorry you went through that. Keep breathing, Mama. I'm so glad that Baby Pod is ok!
You and all of your family are in my thoughts. Just try to stay in the moment, and go ahead and feel your grief for sweet Z. Things happen that "take us back there", and it really feels like we are there. Have a huge cry or try journaling or something creative to help release the grief energy and worry from inside your head. Nobody needs a gerbil on a closed track racing around in there!

With love and a wish that many blessings continue to be showered on Baby Pod, and for peace for you and your whole family,
Jen (AdiaRose and Imani's mom)

Z's mum, I'm glad little pod is well and continues to thrive. I understand your crazy mix of feelings, these last weeks are tough. I think I am continually surprised by the mix of grief and sorrow, great-fullness, hope and fear that rise and fall. Deep breathes mumma. X

Thank you. As always, reaching out here on glow brings me such comfort. I am grateful to you all for reading and replying with your thoughts, and your love.

AS, thanks for helping me to validate my feelings and experiences, and helping me to focus on the differences between my two little ones. It's hard sometimes to imagine any other outcome, other than sadness. But I hope... I really hope.

Jen, thank you too for your encouragement. Yes, I need to feel these things for Zephyr. It'd be worse if I didn't. I've tried to let myself be with my feelings, and tried not to trap that gerbil of grief inside my head. I like that description! As always I am writing, my little pairs of letters to my 2 boys. Writing has become so important to me.

Karen thank you too. I agree, balancing such opposing feelings can be tricky. I am so happy, and yet, when something happens that takes me back, it's hard not to go back into that deep sadness I felt early on. Thinking of you in your last few weeks of pregnancy.

Hugs to you all x

Z's Mum, it sounds like you are taking such good care of yourself and both of your babies! Big, big hugs to all of you!!
Love Jen ( AdiaRose and Imani's mom)