14w2d pregnant with my rainbow baby. I should really stop using BabyBump and Glow Nurture because it just upsets me. I am now in the second trimester. I have supposedly entered the "safe zone." All of the stupid comments from happily naive women about how relieved they are to have made it this far and how they no longer have to worry every day about losing their baby just piss me off. It isn't fair of me because I am sure that I felt that way with Ruby. But I don't feel that way this time.

I spend a huge chunk of time each day thinking about Ruby. Missing her, wishing she was here, imagining what her life would have been like, blaming myself for her death, wondering if anything I could have done would have made a difference, wondering if she hates me for giving up.

And most of the remainder of my free time (and often my time at work when I should be doing her things) is spent imagining how I will feel when I am told that this baby dies. I imagine delivering this baby in a quiet hospital room. I imagine the funeral. I imagine holding my breathless baby in my arms, trying to make up for my horrible decision not to hold Ruby. I imagine telling my family that we have lost this baby. I imagine wasted milk because I am not strong enough to donate my milk. I imagine sleepwalking for months again, the way I did after I lost Ruby. Trying to be a part of a world that I don't understand anymore. I imagine myself getting stuck in that feeling forever because I only had the strength to try to live again once.

Or, if I don't imagine this baby being stillborn, I imagine other horrible things. I imagine this baby being born prematurely and very sick, spending months in the NICU. I imagine spending weeks on bed rest telling this baby how loved it is and promising it that I will love it for the rest of my life whether it lives or dies. I imagine this baby being born with a fatal condition.

I want to imagine this baby being born alive and healthy. I want to imagine this baby sleeping soundly in my arms. I want to imagine 3am feedings and diaper changes. I want to imagine this baby going to school and graduating and getting married and having healthy babies. But I rarely have these images in my head. I try to force them by buying a small baby item here or there, pretending that I am confident that this baby will be able to wear it or play with it. It helps a little. But not much.

What helps/helped your anxiety in a rainbow pregnancy? What helps/helped you feel more positive or optimistic about the outcome?

Ruby's mom.

You are honest and brave. I think that acknowledging the dark stuff allows space for light.

I know you are having difficulty believing in a good outcome. (I did too.) Sometimes other people can believe in you when you are not able to believe in yourself.

Never give up. I believe in you.

Pregnancy is terribly scary. It is such a good thing to be honest.

And, consider a few things that have really helped me. The reality is that for most mothers, the worrying never stops, from the moment of conception, until the day we die. I have a toddler aged son, this was the case from the moment I knew he existed. This was the case when I learned my daughter existed. This hasn't changed since my daughter died and if I let myself, the worry about my son's health and well being can consume me.

What I try to do is to sort of pace myself with the worry. All of the things you've described I've thought and felt too. I'm not even pregnant yet, and the worrying has started. I know it will be a huge part of any possible future pregnancy. I also know that worrying will not change what is going to happen. It won't make the pain of losing my child any less, it won't change the outcome of my future pregnancy. It won't protect my son from harm in the future. So I try to put the worry in a context, allow it to come up, appreciate it when it does, and also try not to get so caught up in it that it consumes my days.

If I've learned anything, it's that I always worry about the wrong thing too. Definitely wasn't worried about stillbirth (as you've acknowledged too). There's a freedom in knowing that I worry about the wrong stuff, that it is all so out of my control. It's terribly scary too, I get that as well.

One last thought, consider going to a good therapist (if you aren't already), anxiety like you've described responds really well to therapy. It won't take it away, but it will improve enough so that you may find some moments of joy in your pregnancy.

Sending you thoughts of hope and peace.

Ruby's mom.

This is like reading my own mind.
Though I have yet to imagine my rainbowbaby borned alive. I hope, but I don't believe that she will be borned alive. Dreaming about here funeral, a sibling gravesite and a new stone.
Going through what to tell miss s' big (toddler) sister when this baby dies to.

It's a big comfort to know I'm not alone thinking thoughts like this, but so sad that we don't have the pregnancy innocens anymore.

I'm 23+4 today, and I do worry every day.

Ruby's mom, Scandinavian endo-girl said it perfectly. That was like reading my own mind. I'm just 10 weeks and I feel like I'm just waiting to be told: sorry, this baby died too. And I think of my daughter constantly. I'm also so so sad and angry too that my innocence is lost. That really pisses me off. Clueless pregnant women also piss me off. Reading other people's feelings helps, knowing I'm not the only one helps. It feels like you all just gave me a hug.

Dear Ruby's Mom.

I too feel as you do. I can so easily imagine learning that this baby has died, I can picture myself birthing his dead body and burying him, I can picture myself hurting, but I can't, or don't know how (or perhaps I'm not letting myself?) imagine a living baby. It's so tough. With all the support I've found amongst babyloss mums, so too have my eyes been opened even wider to everything that can go wrong, to all the ways that we can lose our precious babies. You're right, all innocence has been lost. There is no way back...

But, I hope, that there is a way forward. (I don't know that I've found it though!)

As for what helps ease anxiety, for me, it's been writing. Each day I write to Zephyr who was stillborn, and to his younger brother, who's due in August. Sometimes it's a sentence I just tell them that I love them, other times I pour out my heart, my darkest fears, my envy, sadness, nagging sense of responsibility... whatever. Putting things onto paper, and being able to look at it later, has helped me to track my journey, although I still struggle to believe in the possibility of a living baby, I can see that my feelings have changed when I look back.

Thank you for sharing this, whilst I wish you didn't feel this way, nor that any of us did, reading everyone's feelings, and knowing that we share these struggles together, helps me not to feel so alone... Thinking of you all today x