Yesterday was one of those days that my emotions were overwhelming & I completely over reacted to my fluffy white cat Oberon going missing. My husband had let him out early in the morning, but he didn’t come back to visit me during the day like he usually does for a snack and a play. This is a cat who doesn’t go far from our garden and is obsessed with food so I wondered throughout the day where he was.

I had spent the afternoon at an appointment with my Fertility Specialist, planning our next move for a subsequent pregnancy, and I suppose that is where I started to unravel. Her assistant has been so lovely to me throughout my previous TTC journey, triplet pregnancy and loss, and went out of her way to make me feel at ease walking back into her office, a place I never thought I would need to be again. She stopped working behind the reception desk and came and sat with me, brought me tea and talked while we waited for the doctor. Such kindness from her made me feel teary, and I told her it was strange for me to be back at the fertility clinic, especially as next week, April 23, is the date I was scheduled to give birth to my three beautiful sons Orion, Hunter and Archer, had they lived.

The appointment with my fertility specialist went well, she is a lovely woman who gave me lots of hugs and listened to my story over a cuppa before we focused on the future and my dreams for another pregnancy. We devised a strategy for trying again. We will begin with a lower dose of Clomid this time, 25mg, and aim for one big ripe healthy egg and a single pregnancy. I remained composed the whole time and even felt myself smiling and getting excited to prepare for another pregnancy.

When I got home that evening, my cat Oberon was still nowhere to be seen. He usually slumbers in the front garden and pops out from a bush to greet me when he hears my car in the driveway. I put out some food and called for him, but he didn’t comically sprint out like usual, acting all ravenous. I sung out to him for a few minutes, Obieeeeeeeee! Obieeeeeeeeeee! Oberon didn’t respond to my call, but Max the cat from two doors down came running, as did Phoebe, the timid stray I care for. Zombie Cat, a neighbour’s old and decrepit looking Cornish Rex also arrived, hoping to lick the leftovers. At this point you are probably thinking I am a crazy cat lady, and rightly so. We also have a majestic Russian Blue boy, Jupiter, whose kingdom is inside my home. He peered at me from inside, wondering what all the fuss was about.

As the sun set and it got darker and darker, I continued to go outside with a torch, walk around our small block and call for Oberon. At this point I was getting upset, imagining him stuck somewhere, or worse yet, hit by the garbage truck this morning, hurt and bleeding somewhere. My husband got home from work and tried to calm me down, reassured me he would turn up ok. I kept imagining disasters and worse case scenarios, even though he had only been missing a few hours.

Then the tears began, and they didn’t stop. It had been about a week since I had last cried for my three stillborn boys, and Oberon being missing caused the dam to break and my tears to flow. Sitting there at the dinner table, I was literally crying into my soup! And my tears were black, stained with the new makeup look I was trying that day to make me feel better about myself! Through my sobs I told my husband about my appointment that day, and he worried that perhaps it was too soon and I wasn’t quite ready yet. I told him it wasn’t that, I was just upset about my cat, and fearing he might be dead. My husband gently pointed out he hadn’t been gone all that long and that I might be catastrophizing which made me laugh through my tears. I think after losing my three sons so recently, it was easy for me to fear the worst and be super anxious about losing another family member, this time of the feline kind.

My husband helped me look for our cat again after dinner to no avail. He said there is nothing more we could do, Oberon would either come home, or he would not, very pragmatic! We headed inside to watch Game of Thrones which was a good temporary distraction from my worries.

Before going to bed, I headed out again at midnight to look for him, calling his name loud enough for him to hear, but not too late to disturb my sleeping neighbours in their darkened homes. I shone my flashlight into drains and up trees, into dark gardens and into the windows of an empty house. I was beginning to feel a little crazy as I searched and cried. I bent down and asked three cats in a nearby street if they had seen Obie, but of course I couldn’t understand their reply. I came across a woman walking her little dog and asked if she had seen my fluffy white cat. She was really kind and told me she would look for him as she walked her dog. I knew I must have appeared overly upset, black tears streaming. I didn’t tell her that I was already grieving three precious babies, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my cat as well.

Exhausted, I headed back inside and crawled into bed beside my husband while Jupiter, my other cat, curled up beside me. I made plans to letter drop and post Lost Cat signs the next day before falling asleep. I fully thought he was gone for good, and I was facing another loss.

Throughout my life I have always been a positive, optimistic person who always sees the light in a situation, but since my three babies died, I just fear the worst. I know it’s multi layered – I am fearing a lot of things at the moment, and it’s not just about my cat! I am anxious about trying again for another baby. Am I doomed to forever be an overly anxious mum now? I have completely lost the plot today. Will this fear settle and my trust in the universe come back?

I slept for an hour and woke up at 2am with a start from a strange dream. I got up and opened the front door hoping to see Oberon and he was right there in the front yard! Cheeky fluffy cat was just fine! I went outside into the cold night barefoot with just my knickers and top on to scoop him up and bring him inside. Catastrophe over, I was able to get some sleep.

My eyelids are so swollen today with all the crying I did last night! I feel relieved my cat isn’t dead, although my three sons still are. I still feel fragile, emotional and premenstrual as I wait to for my third period after my loss to begin so that I can try again. But there is hope and humour in the darkness, and I have been singing a song these last few days for my Rainbow baby, who I feel is very close.

I am so sorry that you lost your babies! And I completely understand why you would be so upset about the possibility of another loss. And I echo your worry, "Am I doomed to forever be an overly anxious mum now?" My husband keeps telling me that we will be better parents some day because we understand and appreciate how precious children are. But I can't help but think about how much more anxious I am now and how the world is so much scarier than it used to be.

A little while after we lost Ruby (maybe 1-2 months, I don't even know anymore), I had a similar incident where I was afraid I was going to lose my dog. Out of the blue, she started panting and running around the house, unwiling to lie down or relax. I was terrified. My husband thought she seemed just fine. He said my anxiety was probably just making her uncomfortable. I showed her the dog's belly and said, "Doesn't it look pink too you? And it feels warm to me" He said, "It is always looks pink. And she is always warm. She is our littel space heater. You are finding reasons to worry yourself." We fought. I sobbed. I worried. I took her to the vet and they didn't see anything visibly wrong with her. They sent her home with us and told us to bring her back if things got worse.

Meanwhile, I watched her intently, expecting her to collapse any moment. Then she started whining. And I was certain she was going to die. This dog only whines for food and to get on the bed. Unfortunately, I have seen her scraped up and bleeding before, and she does not whine. Now my husband and I agreed that something was horribly wrong. Now he was crying with me. We took her to the vet. The vet tech looked at her and immediately said, "Oh. She has a rash. Look, her belly is all red."

We don't know how she got the rash. She has never shown any signs of allergy before or since. She was drugged up for a few days. But, of course, she is now perfectly fine.

I don't know what my point is. Maybe my point is that you are not alone. I understand that the thought of losing one more thing you love is too much. Maybe my point is that it is ok that we are always going to be more anxious than we would have been if our babies were with us. Of course losing them has changed us. Of course we will worry. Of course we don't want to lose again. And, maybe the extra anxiety will serve us well occasionally. We might notice things that other people wouldn't.

Who knows? Maybe Oberon thought about running off on an adventure yesterday, but he heard you calling all day and knew you needed him :)

Thank you Ruby's Mom, for understanding so very well. It really does help to know I am not alone, and that I am not such a crazy head! I am glad your dog is ok, and got prompt treatment because you noticed his discomfort. I like your thoughts on this new level of awareness and anxiety we have after babyloss - that it may at times serve us well.

I'm sorry about the loss of your sons (I love their names). And I'm so glad your cat returned.

I remember shortly after the death of my son, my husband was outside on a ladder trimming a large tree in our backyard and I sort of lost it. I just envisioned him falling off the ladder and dying. I felt like everyone I loved was so precious and could be taken away in a second.

I worried I'd become this anxious, nervous sort but in the end, I returned to the way I was in time. I now take things for granted and don't give much thought to what-ifs and the danger that lies ahead. I know everything can change in a heartbeat but don't spend a lot of time worrying about it, if that makes sense.

You're not crazy. Just grieving and missing your boys.

Sending you love to get through the days ahead.

Thanks Monique, your words give me real hope that I too will someday return to feeling more like my old self and feeling less anxious about my loved ones. I can see now that it is a normal, understandable reaction to loss, and I shall be kind to myself and feel anything that comes up, knowing it isn't a permanent way of being xx