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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Update

I am nearly 16 weeks into my second pregnancy
God, that doesn't even feel real to write
I don't know what I was expecting to get from writing here, but just that my fingers needed to write the feelings burning up inside of me with the growth of my second babe
Things have been going fairly smoothly. Just like before, I am not enjoying being pregnant. Pregnancy is taking a huge toll on me: mentally, emotionally and physically.
A few weeks ago we had a scare where I was bleeding and we thought I was miscarrying. After a fearful trip to the hospital, many tests and long hours we were told that everything was fine, that what was happening was normal and to just carry on as usual.
It seems that my little bun is still safe inside of me. I've felt slight movements, though I'm still really hesitant to call them such. I'm afraid to get too excited.
My partner and I are going on a trip to visit his parents early tomorrow morning, and while I'm excited to go see them I'm also slightly worried about how my body will handle being stuck in a car for 8 hours (any tips on traveling while pregnant?)
This pregnancy is feeling more and more real all the time, and with each new milestone I am reminded of my pregnancy with Mia. I'm trying to view this pregnancy as a totally new experience, but I am seeing how it is so intricately connected to Mia's life, and death.
I just want my baby to be here, in my arms, and to have everything be alright.
Sometimes I think fear is my worst enemy. Even if I'm not actively thinking about Mia and her death and what everything was like then, I'm always thinking about it. I don't know how not to. Or how to not let the fear rule this pregnancy, and my life.
April 1, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterEmily C.
Hi Emily, how are you doing today? I'm so sorry that Mia isn't here with you.

I'm glad you wrote here. I hope that typing and sharing your feelings has helped you to process them somehow? I'd like to thank you for sharing, as your words have helped me... I recognise so much of what you say as my own feelings, I could have written almost the very same things. I too am pregnant with my second baby (just a few weeks further along than you.) Our son Zephyr was stillborn at fullterm, and I can really relate to all that you say.

My pregnancy is also feeling more and more real all the time, I too find it so hard to feel excited (though I wish I could.) We too have had many tests and a good few scares ourselves, and although none of this pregnancy's problems have been related to Zephyr's death - just as you describe with Mia - my boy's passing fills my mind whether I mean it to or not. The physicality of being pregnant now, link me to my first pregnancy and so many happy memories, this both comforting and worrying - oh, so many confusing emotions...

For me, I find it really hard to believe that I will give birth to a living baby. As time goes on, I'm more able to accept being pregnant, but my all-encompassing fears prevent me from seeing beyond birth (beyond another death, I guess.)

Thank you for writing Emily, I always have the wish that none of needed to be here, and yet, reading your post, I am so glad that this place exists... Sending love, to you and your partner, and to Mia and her little sibling too. x
April 2, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterZ's Mum
Hi Emily
A gentle congrats on your rainbow, like you and z I too am pregnant with my second. I'm 21 weeks and it's been a roller coaster and will be until she's here. I lost my boy at full term also with a perfect pregnancy along the way. Lump in my throat just writing this. Like z's mum I also felt every word you wrote and could have wrote the same thing to how we all feel. I feel her move now which is comforting but also scary as hell as it makes it all so real.
I think about my boy more so now as well being pregnant what he liked and didn't like. His first movement I felt. Then I start guilty to each child for thinking of the other. So confusing.
I'm banging on now and could go on with all the emotions. But I wont!!!! For now!!!
Just to let you know your not alone.
Keep us updated
April 4, 2015 | Unregistered Commenter4bailey