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Parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds: come here to share the technicolour, the vividness, the despair, the heart-broken-open, the compassion we learn for others, having been through this mess — and see it reflected back at you, acknowledged and understood.

Thanks to photographer Xin Li and to artist Stephanie Sicore for their respective illustrations and photos.

ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > How did you know you were ready?

I am hoping to get an idea of how long you waited before TTC after loss. Did you reach a certain emotional or physical milestone that made you feel like you were "ready"? I know "ready" is a tough word given all the complex emotions surrounding trying again but I was just wondering when you started. I am 6 weeks out after my son was stillborn at 30 weeks. I'm planning to wait at least 3 months and have at least 2 cycles, but I go back and forth about how long to wait after that. Any personal reports would be much appreciated! Thanks, glow mamas!
March 31, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterDebra
Debra--I'm so sorry about your son. For me it's been 9 months since my daughter was stillborn at 28 weeks. I think I'm just starting to feel ready now. In my case, I had to have a bunch of follow up medical tests, the last of which happened last week...it took a while. In any case, I'm just getting to the point, and so is my husband, where we both feel like we're ready because we know our apprehension isn't going away but it's also not going to get worse. We think we'd be able to handle another loss (especially an early one) and now we're so far out that no dates or milestones would match which we thought would help. I think without the medical tests, we probably would have been ready a month or two ago but that would have brought us in line with our daughter in terms of timing...anyway, hope that helps! hugs to you.
March 31, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterAB
I'm a little over four months out. I have no idea when/how I will be ready. I decided not to try last month, because I didn't want the dates to line up to closely, the baby- if born and healthy of course, would have been born on my daughter's due date. I think that would have been really hard for me. So, my plan is to decide month by month. If I feel up to it next month I will try. I also want my body to get healthier, I want to feel stronger so that I can have a good chance of carrying a healthy baby.

Deciding has really been a struggle for me though. I keep waking up in a panic, worrying about when to try or not. I think I have this irrational believe that if by some psychic power, I decided not to try last year when I did, my daughter would not have died and I would not be in this place right now. Now I worry that I'll try again, the same thing will happen, because I tried too quickly or waited too long. I really can drive myself nuts, huh? I go back and forth with this fear and the belief that it was my daughter's destiny to die, and that it is all beyond my control, and I am just along for the ride. Where I am changes, sometimes moment to moment.

Sorry my post offers no help or clarity, I just wanted to let you know that I am struggling too.
April 1, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterMargaret
Debra, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to find yourself here, but I'm glad you found us. This is a common question here after baby loss and everyone feels differently about it. If you look through past posts, you'll find a lot of different answers that may help you think through your own thoughts.

For me, and DH, we were ready right away. I wanted to hold another baby immediately. I really just wanted to be past the pregnancy and have a healthy baby. Since that couldn't magically happened I reasoned that waiting wasn't going to make anything any easier emotionally and I hoped that having hope of another living child, but one that was healthy, would help me get through my grief a little bit easier, one day at a time. For me it did. I knew it wasn't a solution, and of course it has never changed how much I want my son back, but that was never my choice. My only choice was to move forward... or die with him in the past. We wanted a family, and he was our first born. We never questioned trying again, though we were scared shitless and there was a remote chance his genetic condition could occur in another child. So, we did genetic testing and dealt with all of that craziness. That helped tremendously once we had those results, though I still feared everything else.

Our rainbow was born just 3 days before our son died. The pregnancy was about 1.5months behind his and so much of the time I felt like we lost a year of our lives. Like it had just vanished and we were back in the same spot as before, though with much more sadness and fear. But I never considered waiting to try or trying to avoid a similar timeline. I wanted another baby as soon as possible no matter what. Nothing else mattered and I reasoned that I'd deal with whatever that meant as it came. I'm not saying it was easy. It was hell, and yet it was hope. I saw a therapist through some of it and went to a local support group a few times. I came here to glow and leaned on some wonderful ladies here.

Physically I've had very little time in between my pregnancies now. 4.5 months or so between the first two and 10months between my first rainbow and this rainbow pregnancy. It has been brutal on my body. And I've had quite a bit of bitterness despite how lucky I know we are for getting the chance at a rainbow a second time now that our first rainbow is 19months old. I don't regret starting so soon each time. It took us a 16months to conceive Griffin so we have worried it could take us that long each time since. We got pregnant the first round of Clomid with the next 2 though, so one month of trying each since we knew I needed at least that to cycle. We also always said we wanted siblings close in age if possible. I just sort of put my head down and went with it, accepting whatever that meant for me, despite the bitterness that has risen up over it at times. I still know we are lucky and I'll take that however it comes over not getting this opportunity.

I have a friend that waited a year after her stillborn son came into the world to TTC, and she said looking back she didn't think it would have been any harder had she not waited so long. It was still hard and it was still emotional. But only you know your grief and your current state of mind. Only you know on a daily basis what feels more right or more wrong. Go with however you are feeling and allow yourself to change your mind, over and over again if that's how things go moving forward. There's no right answer. And no one can tell you what's right for you. Good luck whenever you decide to try, and lots of love and light to you and everyone else finding them in this place right now.
April 2, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
Thanks for the thoughtful responses, all! It's really helpful to see people at different stages of this process. I see my own feelings mirrored in all three responses. Jessica your line it was hell, and it was hope.... That that struck a really strong cord for me. I sort of feel like a next pregnancy will be like a roller coaster ride regardless and it's just my choice went to get on. I worry that if I wait too long that I will get more anxious waiting and I want to feel the hope aspect...but if I try too soon I might not be physically ready and that would be hard too. I guess kind of like Margaret said I just need to take it month by month.
April 2, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterDebra
My husband and I were lucky enough to have Eva at home for 3 weeks before she became very ill and sadly passed away a week later. That was 9 weeks ago. The pain is so fresh, but all we know is having Eva was the best thing that ever happened to us, and although she will never be replaced, having a family is the only thing we dream of. We are trying to conceive for that reason. But only you can make the choice. As I greive one of the only places I feel safe is in my husbands arms. If we are blessed with another baby I know that it will help us to feel joy again.

Eva's mum xxx
April 3, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterEva's mum
Debra, I was like you, seeking others' input about the timeline of trying to conceive, as if there's a right way or wrong way.

My daughter Lydia was stillborn at 34 weeks in November, after a completely healthy pregnancy. No warning signs.

I found myself thinking of getting pregnant again right away, then told myself it was a knee-jerk reaction. Afterall, I was still supposed to be pregnant.

But I found that feeling didn't really go away.

Elizabeth McCracken writes that she wanted her stillborn son and she wanted a baby, and they felt like two completely separate wantings. That really resonated with me. I want Lydie back more than anything, but 5 months later, I'm learning that will never happen. The other wanting, I hopefully have some small bit of control over.

Other things I considered was my age (33 and not getting any younger) and my living son's age - 2 now. My son and daughter were supposed to be 20 months apart and I always wanted my children close together. I find that I still want my living children close together.

I also found that I had a lot of anxiety about a subsequent pregnancy and I felt like I might as well get on with it. I described it as "having anxiety about having anxiety" so I thought I might as well just cut straight to the anxiety itself.

One thing that helped me was instead of saying "trying again" (which makes Lydie sound like a mistake), I started saying, "trying for our third" (which recognized Lydie's place in our family.)

Another thing that helped was we had several consultations with high-risk doctors before trying for the third. We had a plan in place to monitor this pregnancy before it even began.

About three months after Lydie died, we started trying and somehow got pregnant right away. I'm 10 weeks now. And I agree completely with Jessica that it's hell and it's hope.

There will never be any peace of mind with this pregnancy but I am seeing my own OB every single week for an ultrasound (this little one has had 5 ultrasounds already) and I'll begin seeing the high-risk doctor in a little over a week.

If all goes well until then (and I have to phrase things that way now), this little one will be due five days before his or her big sister was stillborn. I agree that the dates can be a challenge (I'm about 6 weeks of where I was in my pregnancy with Lydie a year ago) but I think it would be a challenge regardless. Plus, if all goes well, I will be induced at 37 weeks so the due date is a bit of a moot point.
April 9, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterHeather
Eva's mum, I completely hear what you're saying that one of the places you feel safe is in your husband's arms. I feel exactly the same way. The invention of spooning has saved me the past 7.5 weeks. Eva is such a lovely name.

Heather, I really needed your post today. A gentle congratulations on your new pregnancy. I have also read Elizabeth McCracken's book and found that what she wrote really resonated with me. The wanting a baby and wanting Jacob do seem like two very different desires, and I don't worry about the next baby feeling like a replacement baby. It's so great to have this space where people understand that wanting to have another baby soon after loss can be a healting process. I was so ready to have Jacob...my first...and even though I love my old life, going back to it now feels emptier. I think that trying for a second (great way to phrase it) would symbolize to myself that I'm doing all I can to create the life I want for myself and my family. We all know too well that there are no guarantees that it will work out, but I can choose to try. It will be scary, and I'm sort of glad I have a doctor imposed suggestion to wait another month so that my body can heal some more, but I do feel better after coming to glow to hash things out and hear from people about the good and bad parts of a new pregnancy. My husband always recites for me the last lines in McCracken's book: "It's a happy life but somebody's missing. It's a happy life and somebody's missing. It's a happy life..." I'm not quite ready to live this line yet, but I want to work toward it.

Love to you all.
April 9, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterDebra
Heather- I really like your point about trying for a second baby rather than just another. I guess one of the things I have struggled with is that I don't always feel like a mum because my darling girl is not with me physically. She is in my heart, and it feels almost like a dream that she was even here at all. The best dream- that turned into the worst nightmare. Trying for a second baby is a much nicer way to phrase the journey that I now find myself on. Thank you. I hope I get as lucky as you have. (I must say we have tried very hard)
I wish you all the best for your pregnancy.

Debra- I always knew that Eva would be Eva if she was a girl. The name was always with me from the first moment I found out I was pregnant. I didnt have a clue what we would call a boy if we had one, so when she popped out it felt like everything was meant to be because we knew what she was going to be called straight away. Jacob is a lovely name as well.

I think I will read this book by Elizabeth McCracken that you have mentioned- although I imagine it will cause a lot of tears. Hopefully it will help me to continue thinking positively during this very difficult period of my life.

Love Eva's Mum x
April 10, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterEva's Mum
The Elizabeth McCracken book - An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination is great. I finished reading it and immediately started it over. And now my copy has lots of underlining.

Glad I could be of some help. I tried to remind myself that there's no perfect timing, that it will be hard whenever it does happen. Best wishes to all of you, please keep me posted!
April 11, 2015 | Unregistered CommenterHeather