I said it today, let the words cross my lips.
"I'm excited about being pregnant."
Saying the words almost felt wrong. Like if I somehow acknowledged my excitement over this new, unplanned baby I would jinx whatever magical spell I'm under and something would go wrong.
But I said it, to my baby's dad when we were sitting in the break room after lunch.
"For this random moment today I just had this crazy excitement about this pregnancy," I tell him.
"It's good to be excited, Em," He tells me kindly. He doesn't know about my first loss in great detail. He wasn't around when Mia was born, and died. He wasn't with me in those days after her death when I felt like I was dying.
But he's here now and he loves me and he's committed to raising this baby with me and being involved in his or her life and he encourages me to be stronger.
"I'm excited. I feel like up until now it's just been me excited and you being unattached. I know it's hard, but I'm glad you're excited. Everything will be fine."
Somehow this feels like a big step.
We have an ultrasound scheduled for the end of the month, and I'll be able to sneak a peek at the wee one still growing inside of me.
But, baby, I'm excited. I'm scared and overwhelmed and this all feels like too much sometimes, but I'm excited.

Oh Emily, what a beautiful moment. Sometimes we get a bit of fresh air that is refreshing and much needed. I'm glad you had this moment. I felt like I was there. I'm excited for you!