I've been finding recently that my grief is getting more complicated than it used to be. Where we were both at a constant low, we now seem to swing more. Our highs are higher but the lows seem lower. I'm 7 months out from loosing my daughter during labour after a problem free full term pregnancy. I'm also two months on from starting TTC so far without success. From the outside I think my husband & I portray a relatively together picture. We're definitely more private & less social than we were, but we work, see family & friends & do an ok job of seeming ok.

In reality we are both suffering and at times it seems like we are worse now than in the early days after C was born. For the most part we're better. I can manage going to the supermarket now without breaking down when I see a baby girl. We can go out to dinner with friends & manage conversations that aren't about how we're doing or if we've been to the cemetery recently. Although that's partly because people don't ask any more. The "good" days and the highs aren't the problem, it's the bad days.

The bad days seem worse than they used to be. The reality of our lives is just so upsetting it seems unreal. We find a little peace when we're together & alone but I'm finding that this is increasingly our default position and I worry we are isolating ourselves. I miss my daughter so much it hurts & we only spent 40 hours with her after she was born. I can still feel her in my arms. Our house seems empty without her even though we never got to bring her home. My husband is suffering in his way & is exhausted with trying to manage both his own grief & mine. He wants to help me so badly but is suffering so much himself. If I feel like people stopped asking me if I was ok soon it was sooner for him.

We are both so desperate to be pregnant again & are excited by the prospect of C's sister or brother but I just feel like the world is against me as each month has gone by with no pregnancy (I know 2 isn't a many!) while people around me are having babies left & right. I have two friends, one with a new baby & 3 yr old twins & one with new born twins & a 2 yr old & I can't even get my head around two pregnancies producing 3 living kids while I am 0 for 1. How can that happen? How can she have been there one minute & not the next. How are we expected to visit friends with babies & smile & not scream 'where is my baby?'. How can life be so cruel that it takes our babies & expects us to keep going like nothing happened, like they were never here? How is it that I can get through the good days with an almost genuine smile only to completely crash back in to the darkness the next?

Dear AJones,

I am so sorry you lost your baby girl. I have been where you are now and I have felt everything you feel now. I wish that there was something I could do or say that could ease your pain. All I can say is that you have to go through your grief, you must face the beast head on. There is no other way. But it does get easier, it does, I promise.
I lost my firstborn boy to stroke after a normal full term pregnancy. One moment I was pregnant and everything was great. The next moment I was having an emergency c section and diagnosis of stroke in utero. And then he was gone. And my husband and I were left with empty arms and broken hearts. Our whole worlds crashed around us and grief consumed our every waking moment, and we used all the energy we had left to hide the fact that we were not OK. I kept wondering how is it possible to miss someone so much when I really didn't know him.
Grief in those first months and the first year is intense, it physically hurts. And that is tiring. 7 months means that It has been long enough for the people around you to have 'moved on', but your time has stopped. Some days you will feel better and you will think that you have finally 'moved on' too. But then it will hit you harder then before. That is because grief has no timeline to follow. I found that lead up to the first birthday was just terrible.
My advice would be to be gentle on yourself. Do not put any expectations on yourself. If you cannot go somewhere you do not feel comfortable do not go. Do as much or as little as you can. Do not expect much of yourself in these first months. Be selfish. Worry about yourself and your husband and leave the rest of the world to take care of itself.
I often wonder why is it that my baby died when he was so wanted and still to this day missed, when other parents who didn't even want their babies get to have alive and thriving children. There is no answer to that question. Life is often unpredictable, random and cruel.
I don't know why some people get to live long lives while others die too soon. I do know that our babies did live. And even though they were not meant for this world for too long, they were here all the same. And that they made an impact on this world.
And I know that they were loved every single day of their lives. Some people live long lives and never experience as much love as our babies did.
Again, I wish there was something I could do or say to ease your pain. But you will get through it. You will heal and you will find a place for your daughter in your life, a nice sunny part of your heart that belongs to no one else but her.
Sending you love,
Mariana

I'm so sorry C is not here. I don't have any answers to your questions other than to say I completely relate. I had many of the same thoughts and feelings in the aftermath of my son's death. And from what I recall, around 5-7 months it was somehow - harder? - not the right word but here's how I felt at the time: I thought I'd be "better" by then. I didn't think I'd be as lost and heartbroken as I was. I could pretend and keep up appearances but at home, I still cried myself to sleep most nights and longed for my son and another baby at the same time (it took us longer than I would have liked to become pregnant again after our loss). It was a shitty time but looking back, completely necessary for me to process my grief. I am much father out from my loss (coming up to 7 years in August - which feels impossible) but I still recall that first year vividly. As you know, it's also very difficult as friends/family don't bring up the loss as much (if at all) the further you get from your loss and I recall it being very lonely time. Sending you much love.

Mariana & Monique, thank you for your responses. I'm so sorry both your boys aren't with you.

Mariana, 7 months is exactly the 'moved on' time & with the new year people have even been telling us to put last year behind us & 'move forward' (a nice way of saying move on!). I'm right with you on wondering why our babies died when they were so loved & wanted. We waited so long for the 'right time' while all our friends had babies. Now they are announcing second pregnancies while we have to walk this babyloss path.

Monique, yes I have been finding 5-7 months 'harder'. I don't know why either?? I think it's the conflicting moods that make it harder, sometimes I do feel 'better' and as we've been TTC I sometimes feel happy & hopeful at the possibility of another baby. Then I remember everything! No one mentioning her does get to me as well, it just amazes me how many people just avoid bringing it up. Even really close friends & family.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond! Glow has been a real place of comfort for me & makes me feel less lonely!

AJones, I'm also 7 mos. out from my baby's death. He was full term and so beautiful, he lived three days outside of my womb but connected to machines. It's terrible. I feel so bad. I wasn't allowed to see him until several hours after birth, I wasn't allowed to hold him for the first day and a half. I feel like I failed him. Doctor says he died from injuries sustained after a "cord accident" in utero, he says it was a "freak accident," nothing I could've done. I've gone over it in my mind, "did it happen while I was swimming?," all that shit and even if the injury isn't my fault, I still feel guilty that I couldn't hold him more while he was here. I let the medical staff tell me what was best for him but they were wrong and they couldn't do anything for him except make matters worse. If we didn't live in a culture that feared and denied death so damned much, his short time here would've have been more peaceful, in the loving arms of his family.
We too are talking about ttc (in a few months), and I think I must be crazy. It does make me feel hopeful and excited but also scared and hesitant.
I too am sad that no one hardly ever mentions him.
Also, I'm not a religious person and I really have no idea regarding the meaning of life or death. Love is the best meaning for life I can come up with I guess but it causes us pain too, doesn't it?