ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > A new loss...a sense of hope?
Harper's Mum I am so so terribly sorry you lost your little girl. In some ways we have a similar story and I understand completely where you are coming from. We too had the perfect pregnancy and our son always looked perfect before he was born. Even once he was born we thought he just needed a little extra help breathing either due to fluid in his lungs or possibly meconium aspiration. 24hrs later he seemed so much better and we were preparing to bring him home in a few days. Instead, the next 5.5 weeks became one nightmare after the other, where eventually we took him to hospice where he took his last breath in August 2012. We kept thinking okay, he's sick, but soon we'll bring him home and face whatever medical issues we need to. He had a very rare condition so confused the doctors for a very long time. Ultimately we found out he had a mutation that didn't allow for his lymphatic system to develop properly. There was no way to fix it and he was suffering more and more each day.
Even before he passed away, in those last few days when I felt physically beside myself, I wanted to be pregnant again. Right away, 9months along, waiting to go back and deliver a healthy baby. My husband wasn't ready to even talk about it, but about a week after Griffin died, he came to me and told me he wanted me pregnant NOW as well. We wanted Griff back more than anything, but that was not our choice, not an option. The only choice we had was to try for another baby. I had some medical issues post pregnancy that I had to deal with and I had to stop my milk, but we went back to a fertility specialist 3 months later. We were lucky enough to get pregnant on the first round of Clomid. With our son it had taken 16 months to conceive so we were floured it happened so quickly. We were overall just numb and struggling so much with our loss, but that glimmer of hope was phenomenal. I would say being pregnant was the only thing that kept me moving forward. I hate to write that as we were so incredibly lucky for it to go so quickly and there are a lot of people that struggle to get pregnant again, but still find a way to get through each day. I am thrilled to say our rainbow is now 17 months old and our world!!
I too wanted some semblance of the life I was supposed to have and probably for the first week or two after Griff died, I think I tried to just put myself back together. I found after a little bit more time, that was impossible. We were just so numb and still in a state of shock that the true grieving hadn't really even begun for my husband or I. I actually got worse before I started to gradually crawl out of the pits of my grief little by little. In the beginning you are so raw. I realized no matter how much I wanted to be myself again and have the family that was stolen from me, I couldn't force it. I had to let myself feel it, all of it. That meant any excitement I had about the possibility of a rainbow, but even more, all the fears and sadness that almost dragged me under sometimes.
Be gentle with yourself and don't have any expectations about where you'll be emotionally in a week, a month, or 6 months from now. You have suffered something terrible. Right now just try to get through one day at a time. There is no right way to feel or right way to move forward. But of course you will never move on and Harper will never be replaced. We all know that here. You will love her and miss her for the rest of your life.
I strongly recommend finding a grief counselor to talk to. They can help you work through feelings and give you tools to help you deal with your loss. We went to several before finding one that felt right for us so give it a chance if you can. My husband didn't get as much out of it as I did, but it helped to go together initially. Almost 1.5years after Griffin died, I found myself going to a psychologist for help with my sleep and he ended up being yet another person to help me tremendously with my grief. I never imagined it could hurt so much for so long and yet here I am 2.5years later still struggling sometimes. It will get less painful and in some ways easier, that I can promise you. Just do whatever is right for you right now and know that it's okay to look toward the future and have some hope.
Even before he passed away, in those last few days when I felt physically beside myself, I wanted to be pregnant again. Right away, 9months along, waiting to go back and deliver a healthy baby. My husband wasn't ready to even talk about it, but about a week after Griffin died, he came to me and told me he wanted me pregnant NOW as well. We wanted Griff back more than anything, but that was not our choice, not an option. The only choice we had was to try for another baby. I had some medical issues post pregnancy that I had to deal with and I had to stop my milk, but we went back to a fertility specialist 3 months later. We were lucky enough to get pregnant on the first round of Clomid. With our son it had taken 16 months to conceive so we were floured it happened so quickly. We were overall just numb and struggling so much with our loss, but that glimmer of hope was phenomenal. I would say being pregnant was the only thing that kept me moving forward. I hate to write that as we were so incredibly lucky for it to go so quickly and there are a lot of people that struggle to get pregnant again, but still find a way to get through each day. I am thrilled to say our rainbow is now 17 months old and our world!!
I too wanted some semblance of the life I was supposed to have and probably for the first week or two after Griff died, I think I tried to just put myself back together. I found after a little bit more time, that was impossible. We were just so numb and still in a state of shock that the true grieving hadn't really even begun for my husband or I. I actually got worse before I started to gradually crawl out of the pits of my grief little by little. In the beginning you are so raw. I realized no matter how much I wanted to be myself again and have the family that was stolen from me, I couldn't force it. I had to let myself feel it, all of it. That meant any excitement I had about the possibility of a rainbow, but even more, all the fears and sadness that almost dragged me under sometimes.
Be gentle with yourself and don't have any expectations about where you'll be emotionally in a week, a month, or 6 months from now. You have suffered something terrible. Right now just try to get through one day at a time. There is no right way to feel or right way to move forward. But of course you will never move on and Harper will never be replaced. We all know that here. You will love her and miss her for the rest of your life.
I strongly recommend finding a grief counselor to talk to. They can help you work through feelings and give you tools to help you deal with your loss. We went to several before finding one that felt right for us so give it a chance if you can. My husband didn't get as much out of it as I did, but it helped to go together initially. Almost 1.5years after Griffin died, I found myself going to a psychologist for help with my sleep and he ended up being yet another person to help me tremendously with my grief. I never imagined it could hurt so much for so long and yet here I am 2.5years later still struggling sometimes. It will get less painful and in some ways easier, that I can promise you. Just do whatever is right for you right now and know that it's okay to look toward the future and have some hope.
February 9, 2015 |
Jessica
Jessica
Dear Harper's Mum,
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl Harper. Your experience is very similar to mine. My baby boy was born and passed 5 months ago. Like you, I had a perfect pregnancy-no sign of anything being wrong up until the last possible second. I was rushed in for an emergent C-section as well so I can relate on that aspect too. My son was not able to breathe on his own and also he suffered brain damage due to my having a short umbilical cord (I didn't find this out until recently). I was told this was highly unusual and was not likely to happen in subsequent pregnancies.
My desire to try again is so strong. In some ways I feel like it will help me with my grieving and this new life that I'm living. It gives me hope to think about trying again and it helps remind me that life will go on.
All I can say is try and remain hopeful. I can tell you that 5 months out my C-section scar is healing very well and I have been cleared to try again as soon as my husband and I are ready emotionally-my husband is not there yet. It has been a rollarcoaster. Grief is definitely a cycle. I've started having more better/hopeful days and less really hard bad days (although they still hit and they hit hard).
I'm sure the other ladies here will have some better advice for you since a lot of them are further along that I am, but I wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that you are not alone.
~Jen
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl Harper. Your experience is very similar to mine. My baby boy was born and passed 5 months ago. Like you, I had a perfect pregnancy-no sign of anything being wrong up until the last possible second. I was rushed in for an emergent C-section as well so I can relate on that aspect too. My son was not able to breathe on his own and also he suffered brain damage due to my having a short umbilical cord (I didn't find this out until recently). I was told this was highly unusual and was not likely to happen in subsequent pregnancies.
My desire to try again is so strong. In some ways I feel like it will help me with my grieving and this new life that I'm living. It gives me hope to think about trying again and it helps remind me that life will go on.
All I can say is try and remain hopeful. I can tell you that 5 months out my C-section scar is healing very well and I have been cleared to try again as soon as my husband and I are ready emotionally-my husband is not there yet. It has been a rollarcoaster. Grief is definitely a cycle. I've started having more better/hopeful days and less really hard bad days (although they still hit and they hit hard).
I'm sure the other ladies here will have some better advice for you since a lot of them are further along that I am, but I wanted to share my experience with you and let you know that you are not alone.
~Jen
February 9, 2015 |
Jen
Jen
My apologies for taking so long to post this but my heart goes out to you, Harper's Mum. I'm so sorry that you have to live without your precious baby girl.
Sadly, I have a similar experience of a very healthy and happy pregnancy that ended in heartbreak. We checked into the hospital at 41.5 weeks to move things along and not quite 24 hours later I was rushed into an emergency c-section because our son's heart rate crashed. I woke up to discover he was gone after living just 17 minutes outside my womb. To say we were in shock is an understatement. In the blink of an eye, we lost everything. And this after a pregnancy that was so positive and healthy for both me and my son. The cause of his death was a terrible "perfect storm" of factors including having no water (that went undetected) and meconium.
I completely understand your desire to get pregnant and be a mum as soon as you can. I was/am the same way. Right from the hospital, I asked the doctor how long we would have to wait. They seemed surprised and said it was a good sign but for me, it was all I felt I had to cling to to stay afloat. The thought of being pregnant represented hope to me in what felt like a hopeless world.
In addition to seeing a therapist with my husband and spending a lot of time reading about spirituality and life and death, preparing for pregnancy has helped me make it through the past 19 weeks. By focusing on eating well, exercising, tracking my cycles (took nearly 10 weeks to get my period) and taking herbs and things to help my healing, I somehow managed to pass the time and make it to this 5 month milestone where we are cleared to try again. I can hardly believe I made it here because when the Dr first said we should wait 6 months, it seemed like an eternity to me. In the end, we agreed to wait just 5 months because I am almost 39. One consideration for me was that my period took nearly 10 weeks to return and I wanted to wait until I had 2 complete cycles, which I have now had, to start trying.
Thankfully, like Jen above, I am now having more good moments and days. I surprise myself sometimes when I realize an hour or more might have passed and I haven't thought about the horror and pain of losing our baby. And though my son is always there in the heart of my very being, I can feel hope for our future returning and it is a very welcome feeling.
Sending you much love and prayers as you navigate the days and weeks ahead and work to heal your broken heart and prepare to welcome a new little being to this world.
Sadly, I have a similar experience of a very healthy and happy pregnancy that ended in heartbreak. We checked into the hospital at 41.5 weeks to move things along and not quite 24 hours later I was rushed into an emergency c-section because our son's heart rate crashed. I woke up to discover he was gone after living just 17 minutes outside my womb. To say we were in shock is an understatement. In the blink of an eye, we lost everything. And this after a pregnancy that was so positive and healthy for both me and my son. The cause of his death was a terrible "perfect storm" of factors including having no water (that went undetected) and meconium.
I completely understand your desire to get pregnant and be a mum as soon as you can. I was/am the same way. Right from the hospital, I asked the doctor how long we would have to wait. They seemed surprised and said it was a good sign but for me, it was all I felt I had to cling to to stay afloat. The thought of being pregnant represented hope to me in what felt like a hopeless world.
In addition to seeing a therapist with my husband and spending a lot of time reading about spirituality and life and death, preparing for pregnancy has helped me make it through the past 19 weeks. By focusing on eating well, exercising, tracking my cycles (took nearly 10 weeks to get my period) and taking herbs and things to help my healing, I somehow managed to pass the time and make it to this 5 month milestone where we are cleared to try again. I can hardly believe I made it here because when the Dr first said we should wait 6 months, it seemed like an eternity to me. In the end, we agreed to wait just 5 months because I am almost 39. One consideration for me was that my period took nearly 10 weeks to return and I wanted to wait until I had 2 complete cycles, which I have now had, to start trying.
Thankfully, like Jen above, I am now having more good moments and days. I surprise myself sometimes when I realize an hour or more might have passed and I haven't thought about the horror and pain of losing our baby. And though my son is always there in the heart of my very being, I can feel hope for our future returning and it is a very welcome feeling.
Sending you much love and prayers as you navigate the days and weeks ahead and work to heal your broken heart and prepare to welcome a new little being to this world.
February 11, 2015 |
JT
JT
Thank you so very much Jessica, Jen and JT for your responses. They have provided me with with comfort that I am unable to get elsewhere at this stage. I also want to say how very sorry I am for your losses. A club no one wants to be a part of.
I am looking forward to the days that I do not feel entirely helpless and cheated. I went out in public with my mom and sister yesterday for the first time and I felt like I was in a haze and couldn't concentrate on anything at all. I am lucky to have wonderful and supportive friends and family, as well as a wonderful husband. We are looking into some counselling and I hope he is able to benefit from that as well. I feel like he is more angry and I am more devastated. I know that men grieve differently.I just hope we both come out of this stronger and more connected.
JT your outlook on the months following your loss is how I hope to move forward as well. As soon as my c-section has healed I hope to get back into a fitness routine and focus on eating well and getting both physically and mentally ready for trying for another baby. I am 31, but it took about a year to get pregnant with Harper, so I am slightly anxious about the disappointment that might follow. Do you have any recommendations in regards to the herbs you are taking? Or even a book you read regarding that? Any information would be much appreciated.
Best of luck to all you wonderful ladies, no one ever deserves to go through this and each of your responses warmed my heart and gave me an extra dose of hope...what we all need at this point xo
I am looking forward to the days that I do not feel entirely helpless and cheated. I went out in public with my mom and sister yesterday for the first time and I felt like I was in a haze and couldn't concentrate on anything at all. I am lucky to have wonderful and supportive friends and family, as well as a wonderful husband. We are looking into some counselling and I hope he is able to benefit from that as well. I feel like he is more angry and I am more devastated. I know that men grieve differently.I just hope we both come out of this stronger and more connected.
JT your outlook on the months following your loss is how I hope to move forward as well. As soon as my c-section has healed I hope to get back into a fitness routine and focus on eating well and getting both physically and mentally ready for trying for another baby. I am 31, but it took about a year to get pregnant with Harper, so I am slightly anxious about the disappointment that might follow. Do you have any recommendations in regards to the herbs you are taking? Or even a book you read regarding that? Any information would be much appreciated.
Best of luck to all you wonderful ladies, no one ever deserves to go through this and each of your responses warmed my heart and gave me an extra dose of hope...what we all need at this point xo
February 12, 2015 |
Harper's Mum
Harper's Mum
Sorry for the delay in responding, Harper's Mum. I'm so happy that you have found some comfort in what I and others shared here.
I don't have a single book to recommend as I mostly google and read all sorts of different sources and then go with what seems to be the general wisdom/recommendations. I have read this site a bunch over the past two years: http://natural-fertility-info.com/ though I have never ordered anything from them.
I was seeing an acupuncturist all through 2013 as we prepared for and tried to get pregnant. She had me on all sorts of different herbs and I feel she definitely helped me get my cycle to a very stable place where my ovulation was the same day (Day 19) like clockwork. Before seeing her it was all over the place and often quite late. I'm pretty sure this was a contributing factor to why getting pregnant wasn't just "happening" on its own.
Though I haven't been back for acupuncture, I bought some of the herbs I was taking previously. I started taking Chaste Tree (400mg in the morning upon waking up and 1/2 hour before food) in mid-December and wish I had started it even sooner. I was worried when my ovulation (after my first period) was late (Day 26) but thankfully it is back to normal this month. I've also been taking Tribulus (245 mg once a day) and Maca (in tincture form) in water 1-3 times a day. You should definitely google and read as much as you can about these herbs before taking them because, if your cycle is normally good and regular (and you are likely younger than I) then you may well not need them. We tried for about a year before we got pregnant with our sweet baby boy.
I've also tried to improve my diet to help both with getting pregnant & with healing from surgery. I am trying to eat a lot of fresh veggies and fruit as well as a couple of handfuls of nuts and seeds every day. From what I have read (mostly just googling around online about wound healing and natural healing after surgery) vitamin C and vitamin A are key, as well as iron and zinc. I try to get most of this through food (I'm mostly a veggie but I've been eating organic/free range poultry and lean meats) but, in addition to my prenatal vitamins, I am taking a whole food based vitamin c supplement.
Also, I think gut health is really important, especially after all the antibiotics I had to take because I got a post-op infection, I took this pre/probiotic: http://blog.radiantlifecatalog.com/bid/64273/Prebiotics-Probiotics-The-dynamic-duo-for-digestive-health
I think it worked well enough - I had a lot of tummy troubles because of the stupid pain killers and eventually got back to normal while taking this (eating yoghurt & fibrous foods) but I think just taking a good probiotic would serve you well enough.
I have a friend who is all about natural remedies and in the first couple of months she had me taking Nettle Leaf, Echinacea Augustifolia, Astragalus & Motherwort, all in tincture form. I also drink Raspberry Leaf tea at least once or twice a day to nourish my uterus.
I know some people feel that herbs etc don't really work but I find them quite helpful and think, over time, they can help subtly soothe and heal/tweak your system if taken thoughtfully. I also think mental outlook plays a big role in everything and because I believe in them, I think they help. Regardless though, just having tasks to focus on every day that were looking towards a future pregnancy - remembering what to take, ordering things, reading online etc. - was very helpful to make it through each day and still is.
Ack! This is turning into such a long note! I'll stop soon but just one final thing: even though it was really hard at first, I tried to get out and get exercise whenever I could. It took me a while to really get going but what drove me was the thought that exercise is key to fertility. Trust me though, I'm not the most disciplined person. Whenever I slack off, I remind myself of the goal and try to get back at it without beating myself up. It took 5-6 weeks for the acute pain to subside so in the early days I would just walk slowly around the neighborhood, which I often did at night to avoid neighbors, pregnant people and women with newborns (they are everywhere here). Sometimes I would just walk and cry but there's nothing wrong with that. Now I do yoga (carefully) a couple of times a week and despite a ton of snow in our area, try to walk for 30-45 mins 3-5 times a week.
Okay. I will stop here. I am sending much love and prayers your way as you mourn the loss of your precious Harper and the life you planned for that is now lost. I hope something in here will be helpful to you as you heal and try to prepare for the future.
I don't have a single book to recommend as I mostly google and read all sorts of different sources and then go with what seems to be the general wisdom/recommendations. I have read this site a bunch over the past two years: http://natural-fertility-info.com/ though I have never ordered anything from them.
I was seeing an acupuncturist all through 2013 as we prepared for and tried to get pregnant. She had me on all sorts of different herbs and I feel she definitely helped me get my cycle to a very stable place where my ovulation was the same day (Day 19) like clockwork. Before seeing her it was all over the place and often quite late. I'm pretty sure this was a contributing factor to why getting pregnant wasn't just "happening" on its own.
Though I haven't been back for acupuncture, I bought some of the herbs I was taking previously. I started taking Chaste Tree (400mg in the morning upon waking up and 1/2 hour before food) in mid-December and wish I had started it even sooner. I was worried when my ovulation (after my first period) was late (Day 26) but thankfully it is back to normal this month. I've also been taking Tribulus (245 mg once a day) and Maca (in tincture form) in water 1-3 times a day. You should definitely google and read as much as you can about these herbs before taking them because, if your cycle is normally good and regular (and you are likely younger than I) then you may well not need them. We tried for about a year before we got pregnant with our sweet baby boy.
I've also tried to improve my diet to help both with getting pregnant & with healing from surgery. I am trying to eat a lot of fresh veggies and fruit as well as a couple of handfuls of nuts and seeds every day. From what I have read (mostly just googling around online about wound healing and natural healing after surgery) vitamin C and vitamin A are key, as well as iron and zinc. I try to get most of this through food (I'm mostly a veggie but I've been eating organic/free range poultry and lean meats) but, in addition to my prenatal vitamins, I am taking a whole food based vitamin c supplement.
Also, I think gut health is really important, especially after all the antibiotics I had to take because I got a post-op infection, I took this pre/probiotic: http://blog.radiantlifecatalog.com/bid/64273/Prebiotics-Probiotics-The-dynamic-duo-for-digestive-health
I think it worked well enough - I had a lot of tummy troubles because of the stupid pain killers and eventually got back to normal while taking this (eating yoghurt & fibrous foods) but I think just taking a good probiotic would serve you well enough.
I have a friend who is all about natural remedies and in the first couple of months she had me taking Nettle Leaf, Echinacea Augustifolia, Astragalus & Motherwort, all in tincture form. I also drink Raspberry Leaf tea at least once or twice a day to nourish my uterus.
I know some people feel that herbs etc don't really work but I find them quite helpful and think, over time, they can help subtly soothe and heal/tweak your system if taken thoughtfully. I also think mental outlook plays a big role in everything and because I believe in them, I think they help. Regardless though, just having tasks to focus on every day that were looking towards a future pregnancy - remembering what to take, ordering things, reading online etc. - was very helpful to make it through each day and still is.
Ack! This is turning into such a long note! I'll stop soon but just one final thing: even though it was really hard at first, I tried to get out and get exercise whenever I could. It took me a while to really get going but what drove me was the thought that exercise is key to fertility. Trust me though, I'm not the most disciplined person. Whenever I slack off, I remind myself of the goal and try to get back at it without beating myself up. It took 5-6 weeks for the acute pain to subside so in the early days I would just walk slowly around the neighborhood, which I often did at night to avoid neighbors, pregnant people and women with newborns (they are everywhere here). Sometimes I would just walk and cry but there's nothing wrong with that. Now I do yoga (carefully) a couple of times a week and despite a ton of snow in our area, try to walk for 30-45 mins 3-5 times a week.
Okay. I will stop here. I am sending much love and prayers your way as you mourn the loss of your precious Harper and the life you planned for that is now lost. I hope something in here will be helpful to you as you heal and try to prepare for the future.
February 14, 2015 |
JT
JT
I know its incredibly early, but the only thing that is getting me through this is the hope/wish/dream that I will be able to be someone else's mum someday in the near future. I have both physical (emergency c-section) and emotional healing to do, but I was wondering if anyone had a similar experience to me? I know I can never replace my beautiful angel, but I want to be able to have some semblance of the life I was so excited for.
Thank you to anyone who responds xx