I guess there can't be many of us who want a ttc thread :(

I tested on the day of the anniversary of Freddie's death - negative.

I'm using progesterone till tomorrow night then going to start Clomid with this cycle. it won't work as I'm ovulating anyway. Going to ask for some extra tests and a proper look around via a laproscopy (or whatever it is). If I can't get immune issue testing, I'm thinking of going private to look into that side.

I have utterly lost hope. I no longer feel any more babies or believe I will get pregnant.

I will hold hope for you Merry and comfort until you feel it again.

Merry, I really wish you'd got a positive on the anniversary of Freddie's death, not that that would have 'fixed' anything as such, but there would have been some bittersweet poiniancy (sic) in it, right? Sending you much much love.

Oh Merry, so sorry to hear such sad news. Still hoping and praying for you!

Some days, okay alot of days, I still wish I was TTC. Most days I am at peace with no more pregnancies. Still, I am jealous of those who are TTC. I think of you often

I'm still here trying Merry.. I am so sorry.

It has been a rough road and I have not been on here since we divided up the pregnancy and TTC threads a few months ago. I fell pregnant shortly thereafter and then miscarried at just past 7 weeks. I was also diagnosed with a rare blood disorder that completely threw me for a loop. SO here I sit ready to dive in again with this fresh new cycle.. and wondering if I will ever bring home a healthy, living baby again.
I'm walking with you mamma...

Well, I wish I didn't still need to be on the TTC thread, but I am still here with you Merry. I don't know how you were brave enough to take a test on the 13th, but I am sorry it was another negative. I wish I could offer some hope, but I have the same feelings about Clomid for myself.

AFM, I am trying to decide if it's insane to even think it might be possible to conceive in back to back cycles. (The cycles were 6 weeks apart instead of 4 but it still seems nuts) Oh well, only another 11 days of wondering left.

I am here too, with a blocked tube, high FSH, and almost no hope left. I feel like I want to give up and be able to sleep again, but I can't, so I keep doing acupuncture, chinese herbs, yoga, and switching doctors to see if someone is willing to help me. I was told to take Clomid too, but I won't until I solve my tube problem. Meanwhile my chinese medicine doctors are focusing in reducing my stress and anxiety levels, which won't hurt either way.

Merry - Have the doctors check your tubes? My doctor didn't want to check mine because he said it didn't make sense since I had just had a baby. But he wasn't right. What about your hormones?

Merry,
I'm so sorry for your hardship. I know how disheartening and defeating it feels. I really like you because you are always so honest in your posts and generous in the support of others while trying to haul yourself uphill. I still hope for you, for what its worth, and I miss Freddie with you too.

Sending so much love and hope to all of you. The death of hope is fucking terrible, on top of everything else. xxooxox

I'm still here TTC, Merry. IVF#4 on the horizon. All three previous cycles worked. I lost Anna when she was 5 weeks old 2 days after bringing her home from the NICU. #s 2 and 3 were miscarriages. I've lost my daughter, my life's savings, and most of my hope. You aren't alone and I'm thinking of you and your Freddie.

Oh, I'm around, but after last cycle, I'm a bit bitter and not sure what I want to do. First real, genuine, guaranteed real cycle in months = pregnancy = chemical pregnancy. Could have happened for a lot of reasons (& better that than a later m/c or another ectopic, I suppose), but that was #3 since Gabe died.

Not sure how much longer I'm interested in riding this rollercoaster.

Jason is all gung-ho though, thoroughly positive that we'll get pregnant again quickly and it will work out, so I'll definitely give this cycle a go for him. And we'll just . . .see. I half want it to happen and half want to just reach the break point (by which I mean the point at which we'll cease ttc for a few months to avoid issues w/ work, not my breaking point) just so I didn't have to worry for awhile.

Bah.

We are a sad lot, aren't we?

We are sad indeed Eliza... I just had so much hope pinned on this last pregnancy....

I'm lurking in the shadows at a loss for what to say. I just want it to happen for all of us!

Lurking. Hope that's ok. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of all of you and wishing and hoping so very much.

Merry - Just joining in with Francisca really. I had my tubes checked via HyCoSy (fill & spill I think they call it) and it is a very straight forward and painless procedure. Wonder if it might be asking for that before a laparoscopy? Although I suppose that the surgery might tell you more? It was one of the first checks they suggested for me as there was some suggestion my tubes had been damaged either during the birth (or during an MROP after the birth) of the twins or a subsequent ERPC and it appeared that I was definitely ovulating, just not falling pregnant. Might be worth asking about?

Lap and HSG do two different things. Having an HSG done first is more typical over here, because it will show structural issues and blocked tubes with a less expensive procedure first, and let you know whether you need to move forward with a lap to have a better look at things or try to repair something. I know people are supposed to be more fertile for a short time after the HSG because the simple act of pushing the dye through the tubes can clear some small blockages.

Francisca - oh, honey, my heart aches. I don't know much about treatment for high FSH, other than IVF (the few people I know who dealt with it jumped straight to IVF because of fund limitations to give them the best chance). My sister lost a tube in college to an ectopic pregnancy and had no luck in 7 years of unprotected sex, four of which were timed intercourse. She saw an RE and got lucky with a round of IUI w/ injectibles. I know there is hope for only one tube, especially if you're being monitored, but what an awful place to be, to have to make decisions and choices.

My friend is kindly trying to convince me to go request IF testing, which is covered under my insurance (though treatment of any kind is not). It's true that it's been a year and a half and at least over a year of active trying, with three chemical pregnancies. I just . . . don't know. She reminds me I've been urging our other friend to go, just for answers about what their issues are to make a full decision about treatment. But I guess I'm afraid there isn't much wrong or treatable or that we'll find out that Gabe was our one chance and I blew it by not getting a second opinion after the ectopic or seeking a second opinion on the bleeding far earlier.

I'm lurking too, and hope it is okay to post.

I'm so sorry for your losses, Leslie and Eliza.

Ack - I wish there was more I could do other than hope, hope and hope. Sending everyone much love.

Aah, thank you all. And what a mope I was being :( What a rubbish place we are all stuck in.

Eliza, Catherine, that's the thing :) I'm going to ask for one of those.

I'm so afraid I have something wrong with me and that is what killed Freddie. I'm a mess.

Many hugs to everyone. Love you all.

On a completely different note, me, Jeanette and Catherine are all nominated in a mum and dad blog award thing (it's on my blog) - if we get in the top 5 for any category, we are finalists. I do believe BLM's should be in that final, showing this underbelly of parenting, so if you have time to nominate us, I'd be really grateful.

I am so sorry that you all are here. After my failed IVF cycle we did bloodwork with some pretty crappy news. My AMH is super low. That kinda tells you how many eggs you have left. Aparently I have a 45 year olds ovaries at 30 years old. Now I know our chances are really slim but we still will try one more time. I think we might be crazy but we have to at least try. I hear you about losing your life savings Catherine. I hope for good luck for all of us ladies here. There are still too many of us.

Oh Kara :(

I'm too scared to have that test done - and dh's sperm too. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. At 30, it is NOT FAIR.

Kara - I am so sorry to hear your news. As Merry said, at 30 it is not fair. I am 35 and my FSH is super high. Last time was 27! I haven't done AMH, but I don't think I want to. Have you heard of DHEA supplements sometimes reverting pre-menopause? It is still in initial phase of research, but I can send you a scientific paper on this if you want to show your doctor. I am self medicating and hoping it helps me.

Well I sobbed all over the consultant. Really annoyed her I think :(

Have started Clomid today; we'll see. Also have a booking for HSG (?) to have a look around.

Appt was a bit dreadful I was waiting (early) for 20 minutes and cried the entire time in the waiting room, then cried for 40 minutes over her, then walked out and caught up with a couple carrying out their newborn. So I ran. Straight into the path of two cars :( Sat in the car sobbing until of course the couple with the baby came up to the car next to me. Tried to drive away really quickly, nearly ran their toddler down.

Ho hum.

I posted a few days ago I never test. Well, for some reason I decided to test this morning just to use up some expired tests. I took the last progesterone ovule on Sunday night. On Tuesday I went for a pap smear and spotted a bit afterward. So I expected to have my period by this morning. It hasn't come yet (9:30PM now). I am not sure where I am in the cycle because I don't know when I ovulated. I could be on DPO 16 to 12. I was expecting the test to be negative, but it wasn't. It wasn't a super bright line, but it was clearly there. I already bought a new test and will test again in the morning. I am trying to keep calm.

Oh Merry--so sorry about your horrible day.

Francisca--Sounds exciting, good luck keeping calm!

If I had my way I'd be pregnant by Mary's due date. Hubby kept saying we should wait a couple of years. He wants us to have more money. I'm pretty sure we're never going to have more money... Anyway, I guess he decided to throw caution to the wind because he booked us a cruise over the week of Valentine's Day next year and said we could start trying then!

I took the new test this morning. It was clearly positive again. But I am crampy and spotting. My husband was so happy. I think I am already loosing it. : (

Francisca, are you going to resume the progesterone? The spotting and cramping could be from stopping it, no? Fingers crossed for you...

Francisca, I'm sending you a lot of hope and love. I hope the cramping and spotting has stopped, and that this pregnancy sticks. xoxo

Merry, I'm sorry for your rough appointment, that sounds really hard. I really hope the clomid works and that this is finally your month.

Oh Merry. I'm sorry. That appointment sounded dreadful. I hope that the Clomid and HSG shed a bit more light on the situation

Francisca, my fingers are tightly crossed for you. I really hope that the cramping and spotting is nothing to worry about.

Fingers crossed Francisca, hopefully it is just the progesterone/smear.

The only pregnancy I spotted with was Fredie's, which is no consolation I know, but he did continue just fine and it is very common.

AFM, Clomid is having no ill effects at least, which is a relief. I'm hopeful, if nothing else, that the HSG will blow out some gunk no one yet knows is there and help a bit.

Thanks for your support, ladies. Yesterday I resumed progesterone and the cramps stopped. I am still spotting though. I am incredibly calm. Whatever happens, at least I know I can still conceive. This is the first time I had a positive test since I started ttc.

Merry - This is my HSG cycle. I have a strong suspicion that it has something to do with this positive test. I strongly recommend you do it if this cycle does not bring you a positive. At least you will know for sure if your tubes are in good shape.

Merry, I'm sorry your appointment was so rough. Hoping the clomid and/or the hsg helps to figure things out and bring you your bfp. For the record, I got pregnant on my hsg cycle as well; I had heard something about "clearing out any cobwebs" even if there is no discernible issue, and that seems to be true for many people who have the procedure.

Francisca, continuing to hold hope for you, glad the cramping has subsided.

Francisca, so glad that the cramping has stopped and hoping so much for you.

I'm yet another who got pregnant on an hsg cycle. I love that description Sarah, cleaning out the cobwebs, makes me feel all dusty and spidery!

Francisca, I hope things are still improving and that you can still find that calm.

I tested yesterday. I only tested because a friend was coming to visit and I wanted to know if i could drink wine with her. Of course because this is my life, I got a negative and them my friend had to cancel her visit too.

I have to wait one more cycle before I can get booked in for a HSG, but from all the stories here , I guess I should be looking forward to it.

Hey ladies, just want to add that I'm another who got pregnant after an HSG & Clomid cycle (and the HSG confimed one of my tubes is blocked). I also took progesterone for the first trimester as a "can't hurt, might help" kind of rationale.

Francisca, keeping everything crossed for you.

I've heard that too; I'm kind of annoyed they didn't do it sooner, but you know. I'm cautiously optimistic it will be enough. I've basically had Thrush for about 7 years, Freddie was conceived after a month when I took a medicine to clear that (but I dare not risk it now in case it was that affected him) and I have a hunch I am gummed up from years of yeast infection.

I don't expect to get pregnant this month at all, but am hoping the HSG will not be too far off.

I still don't know where to post. I am sorry if I am being annoying here. Yesterday I thought it was over because I had cramps and started bleeding like a light period. I got sad, I cried. I was expecting to get worst cramps and heavier bleeding from then on, but the flow soon stopped and became a light brown spotting again. Today in the morning I tested positive again, but I am not sure it would already be negative if I had a miscarriage. I spent the last month working on being less anxious and I was doing really good, but now I am all anxious again. Tomorrow I will try to see my doctor.

Oh, Francisca....hoping it is just spotting, which is normal (although terrifying). I spotted with my last pregnancy and it was so nerve-wracking. Hang in there and sending very sticky vibes.

Francisca - sorry sorry sorry to have missed your announcement (out of town with no internet). Bleeding is frightening, but not necessarily uncommon, as an embryo burrows further into the lining of the uterus. If it stopped and cramping stopped, then try to remain calm and cautiously optimistic. Only thing that will tell the tale is beta runs and an early u/s.

I've had more than one friend experience what you describe with no problems and another who had full on bleeding, and her daughter from that pregnancy was kicking up quite the fuss about wearing her Easter shoes yesterday, so . . .

I'm keeping you firmly in my thoughts.

Francisca, I will be hoping like anything it is just a blip. But whatever else, you CAN get pregnant. Hold that thought. Hugs.

AFM, Clomid seems to be balancing me out a little - I feel different. I don't have hope still but I do sense some sort of change in my body. No spotting this month and I have spots. I was a bit grumpy yesterday and today and my temperatures have been different, though it has been hot here, but something feels a little more in kilter. That, if nothing else, is cause for some comfort.

I had anticipated Easter being hard, as that was when Freddie was born last year. Although Good Friday felt a little odd and sad, I had good friends around and in the end I concluded that really I missed Easter last year and so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It didn't hit me the way i expected.

I am still bleeding. Most of the times it is a brownish spotting. Some times it is reddish and like a light flow, but doesn't last much. (Sorry for the details.) Yesterday I talked to the doctor on the phone. He told me to keep using the progesterone and, if things are still the same, go for an ultrasound on Thursday. He told me not to worry too much, because early bleeding in common, but of course I am worried. Why things can't be easy for me? : (

Francisca,
I believe it is exceptionally cruel for us baby loss moms to experience threat of any kind in subsequent pregnancies. Our lives are hard enough. I am sorry you feel uncertain and worried. I wish it was different for you. I am sending you courage and strength to keep trying. I care.

Francisca, I hope you get some good news tomorrow.

I hate the doctors here. Today I was told to go next Friday. Before that they won't see me. They don't measure HCG levels here. My bleeding got a little better, but is still here. Yesterday I started feeling some very mild nausea when I wake up. This is my only symptom. So I am in the limbo. On the other side I should be glad at least I had one positive test (after 17 long cycles, high FSH and an apparently blocked tube!!!) and so far I don't think I have had a miscarriage. If nothing changes I will start posting on the pregnancy thread.

Good luck to you all. I have my fingers crossed for you.

How frustrating! I'm keeping you in my thoughts Fancisca. Hoping for the best!

Well, for what it is worth, the Clomid has made a difference to my cycle. I've had two days of very dark line OPKs on CD13/14, definitely darker than I've been used to and day 14 has not been typical either. My temps have been much more varied, though the weather might have affected that a bit.

So we will see. Personally I'm of the opinion something is blocked up so am still holding on to hoping my HSG is not too far off.