I just came to get updates as some of you are getting close to delivery. Hope all moms and babies are doing well!

Hi Rebecca,

It's 5 am here, and exactly 1 week from now I'll be getting ready to head to hospital for a 6 am check in for the c/s. Only 7 more sleeps, as my girls keep telling me. I've started going to the birthing suites every 2nd day for a CTG. I've come down with a boring headcold, and it being week 36 it has knocked me. My sleep's not good at the moment anyway ie 5 am and on the net. It's school holidays, so I've got my bigger girls with me 24 / 7. The 6 year old is getting increasingly anxious as it gets closer to the birth date, so she's a handfull. Mentally/ emotionally I am getting very fraid around the edges. My husband is getting stressed too. Last night he said 'We need to get a cot for the baby to sleep in once it comes home from hospital" and I said "If you wanna do that go ahead, but I think we need to get the baby first."
So I'm here, and I'm plodding on, trying to keep all our heads above water. But with 7 more sleeps I am really feeling the emotional strain.

Love to all, looking forward to reading more updates from everyone.

I'll be thinking of you this week Sophia. I didn't cope at all well near the end and ended up having my section date bought forwards by two weeks (from 39 to 37 weeks) and that was without other living children to look after. I'm looking forward to hearing of your little one's safe arrival.

Maddie x

Thinking of you, too, Sophia. Six sleeps now, right?

I think we are on the same time line although I am not expecting to meet my little one just yet. I hope. I am 36w1d today. Originally my doctor wanted to induce between 37 and 38 weeks, but the perinatologist okayed us to go until my due date unless I go into labor on my own ... which is what everybody thinks will happen. At my appointment yesterday the baby was head down and very low in my pelvis; the doctor could feel her head and I am apparently partially dilated.

People do walk around this way still pregnant for a while, though, and frankly I hope that happens -- I am not quite ready, I am in the middle of a terrible cold/cough thing that is leaving me exhausted all the time, and I am really worried about her coming early and immediately catching my cold.

Mostly I feel like I am clinging to normal pregnancy stuff. Our house is ready for her, or as ready as it's going to get. I have moments when grief and terror overwhelm me but I am mostly pushing them aside, which is probably a dumb plan, but I just don't have the resources to grieve and prepare at the same time, so I've chosen to prepare and just pretend that I am not scared out of my mind.

Sophia, I totally understand what you're feeling right now. I was scheduled for c-section at 37 weeks, but I didn't make it that far. When I went to the hospital 8 days before the scheduled c-section, I had literally only done one load of baby laundry. I had no diapers, had not taken the pack-n-play (where he would sleep) out of the package yet--I was totally unprepared for bringing home a living baby because I didn't think it would happen. Good think the hospital sent us home with plenty of supplies at least for the first week or two. Hang in there--I know these last few days will be absolute torture, but you can do it!

Beth, I totally admire you for going with a plan to go until your due date. And, by the way, preparing for bringing a baby home isn't a dumb plan--it's a very realistic plan! My hope for you is that the baby gets good and cooked, and you go into labor a little early.

Thanks for the updates for the mostly-lurkers like me.

Beth and Sophia, you both are so close. I'm not sure what it will be like when I reach that stage, but I think I would try to push the fear away and pretend as well. I'll be checking back frequently and wishing you well.

5 months here. It will be a boy this time. If I could know that I'll eventually have a living daughter, this is what I want. (as much as any of this is what I want) -- after losing my first, to have a son, and then a girl again. But still it's more adjusting. As if we haven't been doing that enough.

This month I plan to review my baby registry (if it's still there?) to remind myself what I have, and need -- or thought I'd need back then. Being a parent to my stillborn baby all these months has made me forget what I was planning for, and how I planned to do it. Diapers? What are those?

Right now I do expect him to live, even if that seems like it is still in a distant lifetime from now,

Dipping a tiny toe in here....

Got a BFP on Monday, and this morning I went in for a quick blood test. I just heard back from the nurse, who said my hcg was 61 and progesterone was 13.1. Since progesterone is low, they want me to start doing supplements. Of course I wish the numbers had all been good, and I'm trying not to worry. I'm pretty sure they never checked progesterone with my previous pregnancies, so perhaps this is just my baseline?? Anyway, I'm happy to mess with the supplements if they can help.

So, um, hi! I'm thrilled to finally be pregnant, it's been a long, long road. Trying not to feel disheartened by the numbers, and hoping it's mostly a problem of too much information. Stick, stick, stick, stick, little baby.

Any hopeful stories would be much appreciated! Anyone else deal with progesterone supplements?

Oh, M, so happy to see you here!

I did progesterone supplements for this pregnancy. They were a little unpleasant, and they definitely increased some early symptoms. Worth it if it works, though.

Thanks, Beth!!

Can I ask why you took progesterone supplements with this pregnancy? Did you take them previously or have previous early losses?

Honestly as the news is sinking in I'm considering not taking the supplements (at least until a few more days have passed, or we re-check levels, or I can talk to my doctor about it at least). I guess I feel in my gut like everything is okay, and maybe 13 at 3 1/2 is totally normal and healthy and great for me. But is that crazy? Stupid? I obviously don't know how my body has changed since my loss, and just because I finally got pregnant doesn't mean that all of my hormones are back in tip-top condition.

Argh. I'm doing a lot of soul-searching. I guess I'm just hesitant to over-medicalize this pregnancy from the very start, and I don't want to act like a miscarriage is imminent because one number is on the low side of normal (at least based on some things I've found). Seems like it would cause me psychological stress, although perhaps the opposite is true.

I wish I could know what these levels were in previous pregnancies, but of course I can't. My brain is just flip-flopping all over the place.

Ah, M, I am sorry this is so hard. For what it's worth, I had some of the same struggles. I had no particular reason to take the progesterone -- they didn't test my levels, the nurse practitioner just said "can't hurt, might help" -- and I was a little afraid that it might prolong a doomed pregnancy, which was maybe my worst fear of all. I had had two early losses (one blighted ovum, one twin that stopped developing around 7-8 weeks when I was pregnant with my daughter) but I didn't think either one was likely due to progesterone issues.

But I asked around, talked to another nurse, and the consensus seemed to be that it really was unlikely to hurt anything. And also I felt tremendous guilt when I thought about not taking it.

My husband was really opposed to my taking it, and it was part of why I changed medical practices. He thought it was heaping guilt on me about something that had nothing to do with our loss, and potentially setting us up for more pain (i.e., if the pregnancy was destined to miscarry early, we would have rather had that happen than limp along until late in the first tri/early second tri, which I gather can happen with progesterone supplements). And when I switched OBs, the new doctor told me I could stop taking the supplements because they weren't likely to be doing me any good.

So I don't know what to tell you to do, but I do really understand your conflicted feelings. I have had so many of those during this pregnancy, so many times when I just wanted everybody to leave me alone and let me have my baby in peace. (I probably feel this way since it was an invasive test that killed my last baby; if I'd just skipped prenatal care altogether and had him under a bush somewhere, he might have been better off.)

M, you cannot imagine how HAPPY I am to see you here!
I'm sending you all sorts of sticky thoughts!
But I also wanted to let you know that I, too, had progesterone in the "grey area" with my first pregnancy. I've got several candidate theories of why my progesterone was low, but I won't bore anyone with them here. Bottom line is, I researched the issue quite a bit (by reading original publications from medical literature) and in the end I was not at all concerned about taking the progesterone. I, too, worried that it might delay an inevitable miscarriage, so to deal with that, I just requested frequent monitoring.
The good news is the bottom line -- I ended up taking home a healthy daughter. Of course things are never just black or white. Please let me know if you want to hear the version with the shades of gray (which may or may not be related to the progesterone.)
Best of luck! I am very very hopeful for you!

M! How wonderful to see you here!! Sending the stickiest thoughts imaginable, and looking forward to tracking your experience along with you.

x x

Thanks so much for weighing in, you guys! (And for the sticky thoughts). Beth - how long did you end up taking them? i.e. when did you switch practices?

As I think about it more, I believe my negative reaction has more to do with the way everything was presented. The nurse (a new one! not my old favorite!) said the thing about "this number is low, so she wants you to take supplements" and then she went on to say we'd do another beta on Monday to see if the hcg rises, and if it doesn't, or if I start bleeding, then we'll have to decide how to proceed from there, blah blah blah. So negative! (For no good reason, IMHO!) So I think I was tying up the two in my head, as if taking suppositories meant admitting that things looked doomed, which I don't believe they are. I tried to imagine how I'd feel if instead she'd said "Progesterone numbers are borderline low, so let's go ahead and do this supplement just in case, and if you can come in for another blood test on Monday, we'll be able to verify that the hcg is headed in the right direction, but so far 61 is great!" then I probably wouldn't have blinked.

95% of me believes that this progesterone number is totally normal and healthy for me at this stage (always had short cycles, no problems getting pregnant (prior to this year) and no early losses). But hey, if there's a 5% chance that my progesterone is not up to par post-partum, and I can protect a viable embryo by taking supplements, it's worth it. And doing so does not mean that I need to stop believing everything will be just fine.

Thanks again, I'm going to go back to feeling happy about this little fledgling pregnancy, and a baby in December. xoxox

So very pleased to see you here M. I've just done a little happy dance around my computer and I'm joining in with the sticky thoughts.

If it is any help, I have taken a progesterone supplement from week 12 until week 34 of my current pregnancy. In my case, it was prescribed to prevent pre term labour and the rationale seemed to be something along the lines of those offered by Beth's nurse practitioner - can't hurt, might help.

I completely understand what you mean about the way the information is presented having such an impact on your feelings. I'm sorry that the nurse who spoke to you was so negative. If you are involved with the same medical team for any length of time you start to learn WHO you want to relay news to you and who is better avoided!

Lola: I also found the news that I was expecting a boy took quite a lot of adjusting to. Be kind to yourself.

Sophia: Thinking of you, especially over these coming days which must be so tough. I hope that nasty head cold clears up and that you manage to get some sleep.

Beth: I feel as though I'm following the same policy. Just pretending to stop myself going into a blind panic. Hope your little one stays put for that extra time to give you a chance to recover from being ill.

afm: 35 weeks. No plans for induction or anything as I don't think anyone really expected me to get this far. I'm going for another growth scan next week as this baby is measuring quite large and will see where we go from there.

M - congrats on the BFP.

Catherine - we're measuring large over here too.

Lola - I was a bit surprised with this boy as well. I think gender does play a large part in how we process our grief and subsequent pregnancies.

Sophia - Wishing you nothing but the best for your next 5 sleeps. :-)

Beth - I admire your zen-like calm. and going to your EDD. That's great.

AFM - 33w5d, and we found out this week the baby is breech, just like Foster was. I freaked out. For my own reasons, I don't want a C-section because he's breech (or at all unless medically needed) and after the trauma of trying to turn Foster vertix last time, getting him turned and then having him die, I'm terrified of trying to do anything to turn this baby. It's triggered all sorts of physical and emotional flashbacks this week - it's been exhausting and extremely disappointing because I was really into the boring normal home birth idea. I'll figure out what we're doing after our 36w scan, but really, I think I'm just ok letting him present however he needs to.

3 more weeks of work which is good. I'm just so tired.

Hope everyone is doing ok.
Sarah H

De-lurking for the moment--not quite TTC here, but getting comfortable with the idea and actually able to think about a timetable. I needed to give myself the time and space to separate the idea of being pregnant with feeling loss because that (being pregnant) meant the baby would die (I've had one ectopic and 6 miscarriages, some of them early, some not). The other day at the craft store, looking at yearn, I found myself fingering the softest, most beautiful wild rose pink yarn with little flecks of yellow, green, and white: the colors I'd always intended to do a girl's nursery in. And I felt hopeful rather than overwhelmingly sad or in pain. It was a good feeling! We're thinking about TTC'ing starting in August. Getting pregnant was never the problem, and now I have two things we can address to make this next time (hopefully) different from the other times: baby aspirin for a mild over-clotting problem, and progesterone supplements, which seem wise after my history of early losses. They're going to test my levels, but my plan is to take them anyway...because it's a drop in progesterone levels that causes a miscarriage, not simply a low number. Not that I recommend supplements for everybody, but in my case...yep. Definitely. I hope, I hope, I hope that changes things. I don't know if I could bear another loss, but I want more kids, so what else can I do? One day at a time, I know.

Sarah, I wanted to ask you if going to a chiropractor who can do something called a "Webster's Maneuver" to loosen the ligaments in your pelvis and create room for the baby to turn *himself* would feel as scary as going for an ECV (is that what happened last time?). Not sure if you were familiar with that option. My son was breech (my only living child) but we found out at 41 weeks--surprise! Automatic C-section, especially as he was well over 9lbs. I did some research on options for breech just in case I have another baby that wants to stay breech. Wanted to find out if there was anything I could do about it, you know? I decided Webster's sounds much safer, and there's evidence that it's more successful at turning a persistent breech. But maybe you already know all this? And it might even be that you tried this last time. Hope I'm not stepping on any toes! And on another note...may I say that it's nice to hear of someone who plans to homebirth? I'd love to, but with the scar on my uterus, my options around here are limited. Booo. So I'm cheering a little extra loudly for you.

Sophia--it's already the 14th. Hoping that, in these last few "sleeps" you can actually sleep. Be gentle with yourself. This is a hard week. I hope that cold goes away soon.

Beth- I hope that your little one gives you just a little break before she decides she's ready to be born, that your cold clears up quickly, and that your delivery is peaceful and joyful and safe. Soon. And I think that sometimes pushing overwhelming things away can be a brave and wise choice. It's enough to be getting ready for this little one. If you need to do some more grieving, you'll have time and energy to do that, too...at a later point.

Lola--I have a boy. I've lost several girls, and several mystery babies...too early for me to even have an intuition about their sex. I've thought about how I would feel next time, with either a boy or a girl, and couldn't decide how I felt....mostly just mixed up. I'm glad you are treating yourself gently, and I hope you do get to have another girl after this wonderful, already loved boy you're carrying--just as you want.

Catherine--glad you've made it to 35 weeks. Hope you get the wise and kind care you deserve as you plan the "what happens next."

M--congratulations! Hope to see much more of you on this board over the next nine months or so! (Maybe I'll have reason to join in, too!) Sorry the nurse rained all over you, but your optimism is lovely and I'm glad you're protecting it. Let us know what you decide about the progesterone, eh? And what kind did they give you, if I may ask? I'll be on it myself, most likely.

What a lovely moment, Mel, to find renewed hope in some yarn.

Sarah H: Maybe it's not to late for him to turn on his own. Is it? I hope he does.

Re: progesterone/clotting/miscarriage etc. I had an early miscarraige (reason unknown), then my full term stillbirth. Now pregnant with this one as soon as I got my positive the doctor ran my #s. Hcg was climbing normally and my progesterone was 8. Luckily she did not present the way M your nurse did, she was relaxed and said "it's within the normal range" but also said that "If you were an IVF patient, for example, we'd want your # to be around 20." It was never checked with my daughter.

I held onto the little suppositories for a few days and mulled this over for the EXACT reasons you all describe. Am I "forcing" this pregnancy, etc. I also had started daily Lovenox for a mild clotting issue (their main guess for my stillbirth) and it really felt like I was forcing pregnancy on my body. I guess it kind of made me mad, I grew this beautiful flawless baby all the way to the end without that stuff. But anyway, I too decided after talking with my doctor and research that progesterone was OK. She wanted me to take it only until 10 weeks, so it was only a month. She never checked the #s again. She said, "We want to cover the three known reasons we suspect that you, Lola, could miscarry: clotting. low progesterone. And the third we can't do anything about: (chromosome etc nature's way.) " This made sense to me.

I thought about how if they had told me to shove jelly bellies up there for nine months or shoot myself up with ketchup to save my daughter, I'd have done it. I don't know this guy in there now, but I'm doing their suggestions and we'll see.I also thought about the many "unnatural" ways we bring babies to life now -- C-secion for example, or induction. Thank god for those when needed.

I know this is a long post, but the last thing I'll add is that I think we all share in common a desire to still be guided by our bodies through these next babies, and I think that is quite lovely considering we really could demonize them throughout for their role in our losses. I hope we can hang on to that as we weigh the information we are given and choose what is right for each of us.

Sophia you are SO close. Is it only 4 more sleeps now? Hang in there. I will be thinking of you.

M, so happy for you. Sticky thoughts your way. The early weeks were incredibly nerve-wracking for me. I don't have any experience with progesterone so I can't offer anything there, but I'm sorry the nurse was so negative. Some people are just like that.

Sarah H. I think there's still time for your little one to turn, right? Either way I hope you get the birth experience that you are hoping for.

AFM, nearly 16 weeks & thankfully nothing to report. I am another one of those expecting a boy after losing my girl. Well, it's not "official" but there were boy parts clearly visible at the 13 week ultrasound--we'll find out for sure at the anatomy scan next week. It has been an adjustment but I am totally ok with a boy now. I just miss my little girl and always will.

I am at work and have to jump on a conference call right now. Best wishes to everyone else.

Thanks Mel. I did *everything* with Foster, so you & I have probably read all the same research. ;-) I do have an issue with my tailbone, but I would have thought vaginally delivering an 11-lb baby just a year ago would have stretched out everything so this one can be head down. Maybe I bake them breech?

Regardless, i'm sorting out the things I can do from the ones I can't. I'm going to see a chiro next week for Webster's - it may work this time. I'll try moxibustion, and some gentle yoga moves and that's about it. If he's going to be breech, part of me wants to just accept it and move forward. And seeing as he's not due for 6 weeks still, there's tons of time for him to turn. He's not even that engaged in the pelvis (he only rotated on Saturday - before that he was vertix) so there's lots of time, hope and space in there. (and Foster was HUGE when we got him turned - 38w, and when he was born at 39w2d he was 23" long and 11lbs. I have a giant pelvis and stretchy uterus apparently.)

Anyway - you're not toe stepping. I know it all comes from a place of trying to give options and hope. :-) I'll try to keep the thread updated as to how he moves around.

Jill -- same thoughts planted here; boy guess at 12 weeks now confirmed. I realized I had been bargaining with the universe: you took away my girl, give me another one and I'll consider you a little more just. No. I could have seventeen daughters after this guy and the anguish of losing my first would not go away.

That doesn't mean I don't want a daughter eventually though...and that I don't wistfully think about all her clothes ready to go. Just a way to cope with the adjustment!

PS -- M: congrats. Missed telling you that as the progesterone discussion continued. Sticky thoughts.

ARRRRRRRRRRGH! I was 30 mins in to an email back to all of you when our stupid computer crashed. Please excuse me if i just write about me, before everyone else here gets up for the day.

Thanks so much for counting the days down with me, Ladies. I really appreciate the support. 4 more sleeps to go, and I am doing good. I had some shitty days earlier in the week, particularly with that head cold. My 6 year old was saying 'Mummy I don't want you to give that sick to Little One. I can hear you coughing so I know your lungs aren't good. Little One's lungs need to be healthy when Little One is born, not like last time. I don't want you to make Little One sick." So she is relieved to see I have recovered mostly from the head cold, before birth has happened.

I have entered some weird Zen-like state where I feel calm most of the time (did someone say "denial"?). I have thoughts like "No matter what the outcome on Tuesday, I am a mother of 4 and always will be. No matter what the outcome on Tuesday I am glad to have had this time growing this baby and I would't have missed it for the world." I feel calm about the caesar. If Salome hadn't died the way she had, I would never have wanted a caesar, but I feel calm about it at the moment: this Little One absolutely must be kept away from the e coli in my vagina. I feel calm about how completely unprepared I am to bring a new baby home. I am having no last minute urges to get prepped or organised. That wouldn't feel right for me. Instead, i feel like spending my last energy on being with my family and celebrating that we all surivived this shitty shitty year, and that this pregnancy has made it to week 36.

Here's a weird thing: when the Zen-like calm goes south, as it does often, i don't find myself fretting about Little One or about the outcome on Tuesday. Instead I find myself fretting about stupid teenager stuff like "Who am I?". I've been nauseas, grieving, or both for just over 2 years, and I can't really remember who I am... But the grief isn't going to stop at the birth of Little One, even with the best of outcomes. Salome will still be dead. I won't ever be the same person that I was before Salome was born and died. I'm not sad about that, I am just fed up with feeling like my personality / character is in transit or is temporarily unavailable.

I wonder if this calmness is due to hormones?

Love to all

2 sleeps to go and the calmness is gone. Yesterday was a long hard day, with tears and emotional tiredness from me. The steroid injection didn’t go so well. The blustery I-know-best midwife (who delivered our eldest years ago) decided I could do with just one steroid injection so I didn’t have to come back in the evening for a second injection. That’s not how it was explained to me by the Obst. Because it wasn’t what I expected I worried about it all day: did the midwife give me the right product? Have I had enough of the steroid? Have I had too much for one dose? All with the background hum of “is the baby dead, in the baby dead, is the baby dead...” I had asked the midwife to double check all this with the Obst on shift. I waited all day until I knew the midwife would be off shift, then I called the delivery suites again to run it past someone else. I was told “Oh yes we were told you might call. She checked it with the Obst and it’s all fine.” That pissed me off. If they realised I’d be fretting about it all day, why didn’t they call me as soon as they had that verified to let me off the hook? I’ve got the antenatal care plan in my head, all the appointments, injections etc, and I cling to that. It makes me feel calmer. They shouldn’t mess with that unless they need to.

So yesterday I cried and lay around watching DVDs with the kids, when I could hear past the internal “is the baby dead? “ mantra. My girls want to keep me in sight, and they don’t appreciate all my trips to the hospital. If I feel like that again today I predict the consumption of much high-sugar goods.

I talked to my Mum last night and it went like this:
Mum: Only 2 sleeps to go.
Me: No Mum it’s 3 sleeps to go: Saturday, Sunday, Monday
Mum: I won’t be sleeping much on Monday night. I don’t think you will be either.

That’s probably the truth she’s talking there. Love to all.

Sophia - sending you some loving, comforting, zen-like vibes. Counting the sleeps and walking beside you right now as you prepare to meet your little One.

Sophia, SO CLOSE. Hang in there, and breathe.

I have my repeat beta tomorrow, feeling mildly nervous because I want to make sure that all is well, but I'm also feeling pretty damn woozy, so that's reassuring. I know some of it could be from the progesterone supplements, but I took those in January (just in case) and definitely didn't feel anything like this. I had no nausea when pregnant with my son, mild nausea around the six-week mark (I think) when pregnant with my daughter. Just 4 weeks today and I feel pretty damn woozy already (would describe as wooziness instead of real nausea). To which I say: hooray! (with no disrespect to those of you who've suffered from intense morning sickness, I know it's no cake walk, I'm just feeling very grateful that I'm pregnant today).

Sophia - You meet your little today. Sending all my love and strength your way. And I hope in a uneventful few hours your holding your little one and gazing at a beautiful face. I'm sure Salome will be watching over you both. Maddie x

Thank you so much for hanging with me Maddie and all of you. Actually tomorrow Tues 19th is the big day, so I've got one more sleep. I feel more physically tired than anything, and I just want to get this show on the road. I'm down to counting hours until the c/s starts (20 to go) and I have lots of little jobs to keep myself busy today, which really helps. I've been trying to brief my dh on how and where he should post an announcement on Glow but it might take us a while..... So no news is not necessarily bad news from us, it's just technically incompetence.

I'll write more on the Other Side!!!!!!!

Love to all,
Sophia

Oh Sophia, I am so excited for you, so hopeful that all goes incredibly smoothly and that you are holding your little one before you know it.

To the others, my apologies for not addressing you all individually, I've been completely wrapped up in our own drama - I ended up in the ER on Wednesday night, 13 weeks pregnant, gushing blood, convinced I was losing the baby. Turns out baby was fine, I have a subchorionic hematoma. My doctor feels confident all is going to be okay. I can't help but remember that they all felt everything was going to be okay when Otis's two vessel umbilical cord was diagnosed, as well. (Though he wasn't specifically involved then, to be fair.) I go back on Tuesday for a recheck. I've had no bleeding since Thursday morning, but I don't know if that's a good thing or not since the dr. definitely saw blood still in my uterus that needed to find its way out.

I'm a walking (well, scratch that, make it bedresting) wreck.

Sending love and healthy, uneventful wishes out to everyone.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Sophia and I hope that everything goes smoothly. I'm sorry that midwife decided to change your plans at the last minute, particularly with regards to steroids I can understand how anxious that would make you. And not phoning you back to tell you all is well seems particularly awful under the circumstances. Hope those jobs you have planned are soothing away the hours until you meet your little one. Anxiously awaiting news from 'the other side!'

Sarah H: I'm sorry to hear that your boy is breech. I know it must have brought back many memories of your pregnancy with Foster. I hope that he turns without any intervention during the next six weeks.

Mel: Hoping for you. I'm glad you have a plan in place to help with the supplements and I do so hope it leads to a different outcome for you.

Jill S: There seem to be quite a few of us expecting a boy after losing a daughter. I found it also took me a bit of an adjustment (mainly because my rather flawed mother's intuition with screaming at me that I was going to have another girl!) I hope the anatomy scan goes well next week.

M: Much as I hate to wish wooziness on anyone, I'm glad you have the reassurance. I don't think I ever had side effects from the progesterone supplements so hopefully it isn't down to them. Hope the repeat beta brings good news.

Sarah N.: I'm so sorry that you have had such a frightening time of it. I had a big bleed early in this pregnancy and I was also absolutely convinced that I was miscarrying. It is an awful waiting game. Hoping with you that everything will be okay and that the news is good on Tuesday (although I know it hard when you've heard those words in the past and everything hasn't been, I'm sure the doctors are sick of hearing me sigh every time they try and reassure me!)

I've been lurking and reading everyones updates, but haven't posted for a few weeks now. Don't know why, just haven't.

Sophia - so close now. I hope you receive all the love and support you need until you have your precious bundle happy and healthily in your arms. Looking forward to hearing the news.

Beth - not long for you now. Holding you in my thoughts.

Sarah N - my heart has been in a knot since you posted about your bleeding. I hope you get the reassurance you need and a completely uneventful remainder of your pregnancy.

M - wonderful to welcome you hear. Sending you major positive and sticky vibes from Australia!

Jill S/Lola - I'm also expecting a boy after losing a girl (my first child) - and am still working my way through it. Some days it feels right, and I feel grateful that my expectations surrounding him arriving and being part of our lives is different given that he's a little boy. But other days all I want is a little girl. But then I wonder if I'm confusing that with wanting my daughter back.

To everyone else - thinking of you and sending you love and peace as we take each day as it comes and will as much positivity as we can muster.

AFM - 30 weeks, and I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying, am tired of fending off over excited people that can't wait for me to have this little guy. I'm tired of this holding pattern I'm in now, and will remain in until my induction day. Pregnancy is going along fine, although I'm not. I know it's because it's my daughter's birthday/anniversary this month - on the 30th. The change of the season, the chill in the air, clocks changing for daylight saving - it all reminding me so clearly of how I was feeling a year ago. So excited. So calm, Reassured by everyone around me that everything was fine. Oh how wrong. My hubby and I have booked to stay in a beach cottage for the weekend. Looking forward to getting away and switching off.

Sending love.

Hi everyone! I have been at a work conference for the past week and so have just been lurking. I apologize for not responding to everyone. Love to you all, and I hope you are all hanging in there as I am trying to.

Sophia, thinking especially of you right now and hoping everything is going smoothly.

M!!! Oh M!!!!!! Damn being able to check the internet during meetings, I burst into tears when I read the news and had to excuse myself. So much hope for you mama xoxox

Congrats on your BFP, M!! Hope your second beta has nice numbers.

And, Sophia, best of luck to you, mama. Can't wait to hear the wonderful news!!!

Thanks, everyone, so much! (Keely, you're so sweet!)

I got good follow-up beta results today - WHEW! I wasn't too worried but it sure is nice to get confirmation that all is moving forward as it should. I'm all of 4w or maybe 4w1d. I told my husband that I was mapping out all the things we'd do in the months between now and December and he thought it was pretty funny that I considered October "all taken care of" by Halloween, as if that would keep us busy for a month. Ha! But it did help to visualize these months scooting by with nice happy activities and events.

Sarah N, how are you doing? I've been thinking about you so much.

Much love to all the rest of you too.

Sophia, can't wait to hear your news from the Other Side. xoxox

Very encouraging news from the perinatologist today. I saw the other doctor in the office, and he was very optimistic and encouraged by the "progress" in the last five days (which is basically that there is no new bleeding). He seemed pretty convinced this was an "injury" from the CVS, and that it's healing well. He said my placenta looks good, and baby looks good, fluid levels look good, HB sounds great, yadda yadda. Still on pelvic rest for the month but I can resume "normal-ish" activities (but no exercise, no heavy lifting, no sex).

So now I've made a pact with myself that I won't google ANYTHING ELSE about this unless I have some change in symptoms or something else happens. Because both the perinatologists at the practice have told me they feel very good and very optimistic about this. The doctor I saw today even said "if you were my daughter, I would be very relieved and very happy with seeing this ultrasound," so I have to try to remember his words and not get all doomsday. Google hasn't seen my ultrasound, hasn't seen my uterus, hasn't seen my baby. But, as you know, it's so tricky.

Next appt is next Friday for another follow up. Fingers crossed all stays well between now and then. Please.

Sarah N. So glad to hear this news. I think you are very brave and wise to stay away from Google. I know given what we have all been through it is hard sometimes to trust our health care providers. But sometimes we just have to trust in something, better them than what you are reading on the internet.
I will be thinking of you on Friday. Hope all continues to go well.

I have been lurking and reading everything that here, but am feeling very stressed myself these days. 34 weeks and counting. Hoping to make it to the section date on the 19th of May. Hoping that everyone continues to do well I will continue to read how everyone is doing.

Sorry to have been awol. I'm just not really doing the internet right now. I'm glad things are mostly going well, although I know things must be really stressful Sarah N.

All is mostly well. I've been super-anxious but am calming down a bit now. 32 weeks tomorrow. They won't let me go more than 41 weeks, so 9 weeks at the most to go. So long and so short at the same time.

Been thinking of you all and will try and keep up better in future.

Saran N - it's so hard to step away from the information available to us online. It's easy to forget that with all of our experience, we still aren't medical experts and a lot of the information online is worst-case scenario info. Add that to living the worst-case and it makes for stressful living. I hope you find a zen place.

Natalie - sending hugs. I hear you.

B - 9 weeks is such a short time. You can do this.

Sending hugs & peaceful vibes to everyone else.

AFM - I'm 35w3d. I am struggling with the fatigue, paranoia and just being pregnant for so long. I'm working until 37w and am so so tired and just done. The baby is fine, but yesterday I was tired and hormonal and he wasn't moving enough. He was moving, and passed the kick-counts but it wasn't enough for me. I was just so freaked out all afternoon, evening and last night. I feel a bit better today, but I'm also aware that how tired I am affects how well I can deal with the anxiety.

I've also come to a point where I'd rather go into labour early and lose the homebirth at this point. I want him out alive so badly - while I know I can labour, I still struggle with trusting that everything is going to be ok.

We have an US next Tuesday to check position, but I'm sure he's still breech. I don't care about position, I just want him to be ok. He moves from transverse to breech all the time, so there is ample time for him to move into whatever position he wants to be in. Anyway - struggling. Just trying to get through things minute by minute, and trying to remember I have no control about any of this.

Sending love
S

Hi, all of you wonderful women. I won't be able to respond individually, but wanted to say that you are all, as always, in my thoughts.

I do also want to say that, Sarah N., Google is often my worst enemy, too. I am trying to cut down on the internet searching. But, I too have dealt with bleeding and I know how scary and stressful it can be. It sounds like things have taken a very positive turn, which is great.

AFM, 21 weeks tomorrow. We lost Juliet at 21 weeks exactly. I've been a bundle of nerves... which I would be anyway. The fact that I've had pinkish and, at times, reddish discharge, off and on, for over 3 weeks has practically pushed me over the edge. First, they thought I just had a friable (easily irritated) cervix. Then it was determined that I had a bacterial vaginal infection. After the infection cleared up, I got a damn yeast infection. Practically every time I've had to use the medication (inserted vaginally), it comes back out pink and, one time, even red. Clearly, my cervix is angry!! I just finished the yeast meds after a 7 day treatment so I am praying that all settles down. On the plus side, I've had two detailed ultrasounds which have ruled out placental problems, hematomas and cervical shortening. I'm doing my best to try to calm down but really struggling. I can only pray that this is a temporary hump that we will get over. But, damn, am I ever drained. Just mentally, emotionally and physically spent. I feel like such a whiner, especially because I know that everyone here can relate to this exhaustion... but it helps to vent.

Positive, calming, healthy baby thoughts to all of you....

Sarah H, I am sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. And yes, plenty of time for him to move -- my baby was still breech or transverse at 35 weeks, now at 38 weeks she's firmly head down. (Mostly still posterior, though -- everything I do to get her to turn over works, and then as soon as I stop doing it she just rolls back over. The same thing happened when she was breech -- we convinced her to flip a couple of times, but she kept going back until she was ready to be head down.)

I've been having pre-labor for almost a week now and I'm physically exhausted, but I am starting to think that it is a good thing. I fell apart a bit this weekend from worry over logistics and just a general terror of going through labor again, but I got a hold of myself, and I think I am doing a much better job of just letting this play out however it is going to play out. I wish I were getting a few more NSTs (I've only had one) but she moves a lot, all seems to be well, and in the end there is only so much I can do to control this, you know?

Good thoughts to all.