I lost my first baby, my son Connor, during labor at 41 weeks. He was born and died on Nov. 8, 2011. My husband and I have no explanation for the cause of his death.

I am now 6 weeks pregnant with my second child and am feeling this horrible mix of emotions. I am also wondering what to do about medical care. I have no complaints about our doctors or the hospital or the nurses who all tried their best to save Connor, and throughout my pregnancy I thought the care I received was excellent. After losing Connor everyone at my doctor's office has been very supportive, but still I find myself wondering: Should I go to a different doctor? I live in a rather isolated area with limited options and no midwives. I just don't know if it would be better to stick with the same professionals or not.

Something about going through the exact same motions again just seems excrutiatingly painful. I almost lost it earlier this week when I poured a bowl of Kashi cereal that I used to love to eat when I was pregnant with Connor. I guess I just don't know how to do all the "right" things all over again when doing them with Connor meant losing him anyway.

I am sorry if this post does not make sense. I am just...confused? sad? hurting?

Veronica I think your post makes perfect sense. For myself, I've found that through my phoenix / rainbow pregnancy, the grief triggers lurk around every corner and it's hard to anticipate when I'm going to run smack into one. Like you say, even something as innocent like a breakfast cereal....

I guess attending the same obstetrics or midwifery service or the same hospital where Connor was born and died could hold some significant grief triggers. Have you been back to any of these services much? How have you found that experience? Is just being in the building difficult or OK?

If you have few good quality options for prenatal care in your area, and you are happy with the quality of care you have received from that service before and after Connor's death, that's a huge plus. But i could also understand if you wanted a whole clean slate, new people, new places etc.

I ended up going back to the same Obst and midwives and the same hopsital for this pregnancy. At the start, just sitting in the waiting room was hard, particularly as I was surrounded by all those happy smiley optomistic pregnant Mums. Having the same Obst has in our case meant we got the best care. After Salome's death she did a lot of research on e coli deaths, and she took our 'case' to a few peer review meetings, so she is now the most informed Obst in our district about e coli etc. Having the Obst and the other staff know about what we'd been through has been to our advantage, they have handled us more delicately.

I had to do some desensitisation on myself to get me comfortable with going back to the same birthing suites and to NICU. But that was easier that I expected, and it didn't take long. I did it after week 30 of the pregnancy.

It's a hard decision to make. Sorry I haven't got any concrete advice. Thinking of you and lovely Connor, and your precious Bub-To-Be as well.

Veronica, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that it is even more difficult to cope with because you have no explanation. That being said, congratulations on your pregnancy.

When it comes to the choice of doctor, I think you need to listen to your gut... and try to get yourself the best care available. For me, it was a no-brainer to switch doctors. Even though I was going to very well-regarded practice/hospital with my lost pregnancy (Ivy League hospital and all), my experience was horrible. No, the doctors didn't commit malpractice and I don't think they did anything wrong, per se. There was just a total nonchalance from them when everything started to go south. No one made an effort to figure out why I was bleeding. It was only when they gave me an ultrasound, two weeks after my bleeding started, that it became clear my pregnancy would not end well. I still seethe over the lack of care I received.

When I became pregnant again, I completely switched doctors and the hospital. (I live in an area where I have a lot of choices, however). I am relieved because at least I feel like I am in good hands and being heavily monitored. I am also relieved that I never have to set foot into the old office or hospital again. For me, it has been a huge weight off of my shoulders to totally change my routine/change locations with this pregnancy.

I guess you need to ask yourself if you feel that you are in getting the best care available to you. If so, it may be hard, but you will get through the sameness of everything. It may be worth it to research what other options are available to you. You may find, in the end, that your old practice is the best bet for you.

Hugs to you. I know that it is really hard, especially since not much time has passed since your loss. I am wishing you the best for this pregnancy.

Veronica - what a tough decision. Because my medical care was negligent, there was no question about finding new care. What we've learned subsequently removes any possibility of returning to midwifery care, as I am firmly high risk, and ought to have been labeled so back then, apparently.

But in a case where no one is to blame, where everyone has been sensitive and supportive, it's hard to know what to do. I suppose my feeling is that if you are unsure, there is nothing at all wrong with visiting another doctor and explaining your circumstances. If it feels better to you, then you have your answer. It's worth listening to your gut and doing what feels right.

At the same time, hard as it may be to see the same people and feel an overwhelming deja vu, you may find that in the end, it's a comforting thing. That these people who went through the hell with you are just as eager for the good outcome as you are. That they are better able to understand and accommodate you if you are having a panicky day than another practice might be.

I think the only way you will know is to try elsewhere and see. Though if you haven't already, I would encourage you to meet with your current OB and see what the plans for this pregnancy would be. It's entirely possible that they would be brisk and no-nonsense about it and that it wouldn't be supportive of you and your needs.

I hope that is making some sense. You are not obligated to return, even if you received good care previously. Do what hurts least for you, mama.

Veronica- I completely understand your feelings on this subject and the choice is a very personal one.

The care we received while trying to save our son's life was wonderful. We could not have asked for better care, not only from our OB and Perinatologist but also from the hospital staff. I briefly thought about switching practices before I became pregnant again but I realized that I really didn't want to. The doctors I have know about George and were intimately connected to the attempt to save him. They cared for him and for me for weeks and weeks and cried with us when he died.

I'm not saying that it isn't difficult to go into those offices for appointments (and goodness knows delivering in that same hospital will be difficult too) but it feels right. Outside of family and friends no one wants this baby to live more than they do. I take comfort in that.

Good luck in making your decision.

Veronica,
I recently found myself in almost the exact same position. I lost my son Homer from complications of labor on October 1st, 2011 at 39 weeks. We also didn't get a very clear explanation of what happened. I felt like everyone did all they could and that the care and compassion I recieved was genuine.

However, when I found out I was pregnant just 3.5 months later I needed a change. I went into my OB and talked to her about it. She understood completely and recommended a doctor (maternal fetal medicine specialist) she knows at a different office. I would talk to your doctor about how your feeling. For me it was just too close to what I had just been through with Homer. I got pregnant in January of last year and then again in January of this year and everything just seems like deja vu, my due date is just a week or so from my last. I feel a overwhelming need to make this pregnancy different from my last one, but it's hard. I totally understand about the cereal, sometimes this new pregnancy feels like a consant reminder of my previous pregnancy and in turn the baby that's not here. I actually just got rid of all my maternity clothes from my last pregnancy. Now I get to go and spend money on more ugly maternity clothes! but it felt right.

I am so sorry you feeling so sad and hurting so much, pregnancy after loss is so hard and confusing. You can always continue to feel it out with your doctor and change anytime if you feel it's not right.

I am at 12 weeks now and the overwhelming sadness has lifted a little, so hang in there. You are a brave and strong mama and will make the decision that is best.

Veronica,
I am so sorry you lost Conner. I really like that name. Such a strong name, a cute baby name, as well as grown up resume name. I am sorry it hurts so much.

I am 16 weeks pregnant with my subsequent pregnancy after my daughter died. The kashi cereal deja vu trigger thing is happening at my house too. Out of the blue, tiny reminders, tears. Life is hard enough without those hurdles. You are not alone. Just keep trying.

All of the wise mothers who have written above me are right. There can be a feeling of safety in the familiarity of sameness. It can also be hurtful to go back to places that so acutely remind us of the children we haven't got. In the end, the answer will come to you and feel right. There is no wrong choice.

The specialist I see for this pregnancy (I am now high risk so have a new OB) is literally down the hall from the NICU that my daughter, Jenna lived and died in. I was weak in the knees the first time I passed by the sign and the lights and the flooring, and the ding of the elevator... ouch, ouch ouch. But I made it through the initial hurtful stage and am ok about it. Mostly I feel like I belong there.

I want this feeling of certainty for you too. Give it some time and thought, you will work it out. I care.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I am so sad for all of our lost, beautiful babies and so eager to try to rediscover happiness with our new pregnancies. Meaghan, I am in the same situation you are. I was pregnant with Connor in February of last year and became pregnant again this February. The timing is maybe 2 weeks off at most.

I think the advice to talk to my previous doctor first is good advice. I have an appointment scheduled in just a few weeks. I know my husband and I have lots of questions and concerns and I would like to give the doctors at this practice an opportunity to answer them first.

It is reassuring to hear from all of you and the progress you are making in your pregnancies. I think of Connor everyday and am trying to find some time in my days to think about and be happy for this new baby too.

Veronica, I am also 6 weeks along and trying really hard to be calm and positive for this baby's sake. We lost our first baby at 12 weeks. I had to find a new doctor, since we moved to a new state.

Before we started TTC again, I wanted to find a doctor and was talking to my mom (a nurse) about my fears for finding a doctor who would understand my fears about a new pregnancy. She told me that you can meet with a doctor, separately from any care, just to talk about your position and your philosophies and to find out what theirs are. Apparently some doctors will charge you a small consult fee, but the doctor I met with (and who is now caring for me and our new little one) did not charge me anything for that meeting. We talked for almost half an hour about my history and thoughts and her perspectives; what I would want from a doctor and what she would expect from me as a patient. It was very helpful for me and a good way to start our relationship on more equal terms.

I am new to this site (today) so this information might be out there, but I thought it might help you to know, if you did not. And if you have any reservations, meeting with another doctor might help you make your decision. I am sure it is a very hard one. Good luck and best wishes!

Veronica, my response is a little late, but I wanted to share my recent experience. I switched doctors after my own 38.5-week loss. No one in my OB practice did anything wrong (if anything, I'm upset with the doctor on call at the hospital), but I decided to change practices anyway, just for a change of scenery. I thought I would have an easy, complication-free pregnancy, so it wouldn't matter that much, but I was wrong. There were more than a few times when I wished I had stayed with my former OB, who at least would remember me and understand why the complications freaked me out more than a "normal" mom. Unfortunately, my new OB (who sat down originally with my husband and me to formulate a plan for early monitoring, early c-section, yada yada) forgot who I was and what my history was. In the third trimester I even changed doctors within my practice because I felt I wasn't getting supportive care. So...I'm torn because I think if I had the decision to make over again, I would stick with the OB I had with my loss (I did stay with the same perinatologist). However, I will say that delivering at a different hospital this time was a much better experience for us (for SO many reasons). I wish I had more supportive care during this pregnancy, but thankfully everything worked out with or without the bedside manner that I so dearly craved. Good luck with your decision--I know how hard it is going to be. And, remember, you can always change your mind down the road if you feel you made the wrong choice.