Hi everyone. I have been quiet for a few weeks but am still here. I do check in from my phone--it's just a pain in the butt to type anything on it so I haven't posted.

I had my first visit to the perinatologist office last week for the first trimester screening/NT scan. I was terrified to go but it went reasonably well--they know our history and were sensitive--and everything looks good so far. The plan is to have an early anatomy scan at 16 weeks and then an echo with the cardiologist at 20 weeks. If we make it through those two appointments, in theory, we should be able to breath a sigh of relief and go on to have a "normal" pregnancy. At the moment, however, I can't imagine that happening. Strangely, I'm actually not worried about this baby having a heart defect like Beatrice. I think it will be something else, something totally unexpected. That is the one downside of a place like Glow--I now know all of the OTHER ways that babies can die. But for now I am just taking things one week at a time and doing my best to ignore this pregnancy. We have only told our parents and a few other people. I don't read pregnancy books. I avoid talking to people. My husband and I don't even talk about it with each other. It seems to be working to keep the anxiety in check and overall I am doing ok.

How is everyone else this week? I like the weekly updates because it helps me count down another week, and those of you who are further along give some hope that it might be possible to gt there myself. So few people in the real world understand the fear and mixed emotions. It's a relief to have at least one place where I can just be pregnant and not feel like I have to constantly qualify or explain.

jill s. I totall understand your feelings about something else going wrong this time. I am of course scared to have a second placental abruption but having been here on Glow for a while I knoe this is not the only way I could lose my new baby. However I have found that the support here has outweighed the crazy moments during this pregnancy.
I am 31 wks. Hoping to get to the planed section day of April 19th. I am having frequent dr visits and biweekly ultrasound. Mostly for m sanity. The physicians seem to think the risk is low with this pregnancy given it is a singleton and I have none of the complications I encountered with twins.
But the US every few weeks makes me feel better.

Nothing new to report just waiting.

Jill, I made it through the first 18 weeks of this pregnancy doing the same thing you are doing now. I went about my life as normal and did not make the pregnancy the foundation of my days. It seemed to work our pretty well for the most part. My sanity was kept mostly intact.

Natalie, April 16th is just around the corner. I hope the days leading to the csxn go smoothly and calmly.

AFM, yesterday was 20 weeks into this pregnancy. I've been bouncing between my OB and the perinatologist about every two or three weeks so I'm being well looked after. As far as everyone can tell this baby is doing fine. But with George his heart didn't start going crazy until 24 weeks and we lost him at 29 weeks, so everyone is being very cautious right now.
Tomorrow is George's 1 year anniversary and I am not doing very well emotionally. I am crying all the time, at least any time I am alone or at home. I feel as badly now as I did those first weeks after he died. I am still so shocked that I am never going to see him again.

hi mamas,

brianna - oh, honey, what a difficult week. I have been thinking of you so much as we approach George's one year anniversary. I'm glad to hear all is going well with your pregnancy but I also understand your concerns as George's heart issue didn't show up until later.

Time seems to be at such a standstill in so many ways. I feel like I should be well into my second trimester right now with the amount of time and thinking I have put into "pregnancy" in the last few weeks, and yet, here I am, at a mere 11 weeks....barely even a quarter of the way into a full term pregnancy. Sheesh.

So, yes, I am 11 weeks. We did the CVS yesterday, which was terrifying but I'm glad to have had it done. We won't get results for another two weeks. The u/s before gave us a really good look at the baby, which was great and horrible all at once, because I feel like I finally connected to this little being inside of me. Seeing limbs and fingers and toes and wiggles made it all the more real, and now I'm attached. And WAY more scared than I was two days ago.

Thinking of everyone and sending lots of love.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry that I have been gone for so long. I just needed a break for my mental health, I think. And then in the meanwhile, I got pregnant, and so then I just wanted to avoid everything baby-related. I am still a little bit in that mode, although I am getting better. I have been lurking a lot the past few weeks, and of course am always thinking about you guys.

So. I am almost 14 weeks now. I swear, I could pretty much copy Jill. S's post word for word and that is exactly where I am mentally. I had my first big screen with the perinatologist last week, and everything went well, which was great. Got some great pictures of the baby, and he/she looks like my son already. They were able to visualize the entire spinal cord and brain, so no major neural tube defects this time around. But then....I just really wasn't that worried about a repeat. What I WAS worried about was some kind of chromosomal issue, and so at least the major ones have been ruled out now. And now I am terrified of heart defects, although they looked at the heart and said so far, so good. Like Brianna said though, sometimes that stuff doesn't show up till later. Sigh.

And I am also terrified of cord accidents and placental abruptions and the myriad other ways that this little person could be taken from me, even if he/she is perfectly healthy. But......no pain, no gain, right? And I know I am being very well-cared for, which does help, my perinatologist is wonderful.

I'm sorry to sound so depressing, I am actually thrilled about this pregnancy and honestly, feel good about this one and have been amazingly calm so far. We still haven't told many people but I am starting to show some so some of my work colleagues know and our immediate family knows. I have a doppler and let my son listen with me everyday. I like to think that because I'm not scared to let him form a connection to this baby, maybe one day we will realy be able to bring him/her home. But I know things don't really work that way.

Anyway. I'm not sure how much I will be around. It probably just depends on how things are going, and how I am dealing. But I am thinking of you all constantly, and wishing you all easy pregnancies and healthy babies to bring home, and I will always be lurking and checking in on everyone. Love to you all xoxo

Jill S.: It does suck to know so much about babydeaths now, I agree. These days I am amazed when people are optomistic about the outcome of any pregnancy. But then sometimes I think I was never going to be anything other than stressed and pessimistic in this pregnancy anyway, so maybe having the details of other ways this baby could die doesn't make it too much worse.

Natalie: April 19th is our date for caesar as well! I've already started counting down the sleeps, (19 to go) partly in desperation of all the things I need to get done before then and partly becuase I just want this particular kind of stress FINISHED. I still rarely consider the possiblity that this pregnancy might end in us bringing home a baby form the hospital.

Brianna; I'll be thinking of you and lovely George today. I am so sorry that he died, and that a year later he is still gone.

Sarah N.: So glad to hear things are going OK so far, and hoping the CVS results are boring boring boring. That sense of connection with new Bub is so bittersweet isn't it. I still don't have the hang of it at 34 weeks.

Keely: 14 weeks. That's awesome!!! I don't think you sound depressing, I think you sound like I think, like someone who has seen the unlikely darker side of pregnancy and then has to live with that knowledge. I also jump on and off this list depending on how I'm going emotionally. I think it's really important to ration out my contact with Glow at times, because I find it sometimes draining to emerse myself in so many stories of loss.... know what i mean?

AFM, now at 34 weeks, will be 35 on Saturday, so I'm on standing orders for an immediate caesar at the first sign of trouble. I've kind of packed my bag as instructed, but to be honest i can't bring myself to put any baby clothes in there. Next week I start going to the delivery suites every second day for monitoring utill the planned caesar on April 19th. Going in for monitoring really helps settle me, and they have told me repeatedly that i don't need a reason to present for monitoring, I should just front up any time I want. Bub is measuring well for weight; on the current rate of gain Bub will be about 10 pounds at birth at 37 weeks. I'm on maternity leave now, which is good because I'm teary a lot of the time. Last week a good friend's 5 year old daughter got diagnosed with leukemia and she starts chemo today. I visited them in hospital yesterday and seeing the little girl so ill was bad, but seeing my friend seeing her little girl in pain and distressed was even worse. I'll be writing my friend a card soon to say sorry but I won't be much use to them for support for the next 2 months, it's too close to the bone for me, i just go a bit numb when I'm directly in the face of it. But chemo will be a marathon and not a sprint for that family, and I'll be more use to them further down the track.

I am getting less tolerance for people's glib comments about our situation, like "It will be alright this time, you're being closely watched' and 'you're 34 weeks now, so you're out of the danger zone." No no no. Week 34 onwards IS the danger zone for us. The more tightenings / braxton hicks I have the greater the risk of the muecal plug being dislodged and the e coli crossing into the baby's system. Fuck them and their need to avoid our reality. Fuck them. What my husband and i are going through with this pregnancy is terrifying. Fucking terrifying. I look Ok on the outside, and a lot of the time I run on automatic, but this is really scarey, especially when the tightenings start, which they do daily as you'd expect.

Better stop or I'll keep ranting. It's so good to know you women are out there and that I'm not alone and not going mad and not being a wuss. It's just really fucking hard.

19 more sleeps. Wishing you all peace this week.

Wow, it's really nice to see everyone come alive here again.

Congrats to the returning and newly pregnants, and to you April births in the nerve-wracking home stretch. Thanks for leading the way!

Brianna, sounds like we are on the same week -- I'm 20 weeks today. I will be thinking of you and George tomorrow and hope he is watching over his sibling as we all think of him with love.

When you have been pregnant for many months, how slowly the weeks pass that you are still pregnant without the baby that you wanted.

Tomorrow is my 20 week ultrasound and anatomy scan. We are not considered high risk, so everything is the same as last time. We have gone back and forth about finding out the gender and I think we will. I am anxious to see the baby again as last time I was just very upset it wasn't the daughter I carried before and now I am curious about who has been poking me with thumps and blips every couple hours.

I feel huge. I cannot believe it is only halfway.

Just delurking quickly to say hello to Keely! I've been wondering about you lately and very glad to hear you're 14 weeks along. (I'm still in the thick of ttc, but y'know, day 10 of this cycle so on the hopeful side of the mountain at the moment).

Sending love and good thoughts to all of you here. Brianna, sending special love for your beloved George. I'm so sorry he's still gone.

Jill S: I'm glad that your scan showed that everything is looking good so far. I know that I worried about another extremely premature birth until the time for that had passed. Then a whole load of other worries leapt in to take its place. I am aware of too many permutations on how pregnancy and childbirth can go wrong and I have anxieties for every stage. I just have to keep telling myself that the overwhelming majority of people I know in real life have had babies and nothing unexpected has happened. I found being in denial helped me through the first part too.

Natalie: you are so close now, hope the remaining few weeks pass peacefully for you.

Brianna: I'm so sorry, I will be thinking of you and George. My daughter's death still feels like a horrible shock to me too and that 'never' . . . I think that will take the rest of my life to really understand. I'm sure that the next few weeks will be particularly anxious ones and I hope they pass calmly for you.

Sarah n.: Oh my, those first weeks do seem to drag. I remember that feeling after the first scan. That 'now I have something to lose' feeling. I hope the CVS results come back just fine for you.

Keely: I had wondered if . . . .? And I am so glad to find my suspicions were correct. I think it is difficult for people who haven't experienced a pregnancy after the loss of a baby to understand that you can simultaneously be thrilled and scared out of your mind. Hoping so very much for you and for your little one.

Sophia: I'm sorry that people don't understand that there is no 'safe' time in this pregnancy for you, especially at this point when the risk is actually heightened. It IS terrifying and it sucks that people are so uncomfortable with that they would rather be in denial than admit that anything could go wrong. I wish I had something better to say other than you are not alone, you aren't going mad and you really, really, really aren't being a wuss. I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best for the birth of this baby, whenever it happens.

Lola: I hope that the anatomy scan goes well tomorrow and that all your results come back fine. I know that finding out the gender might bring its own minor complications, I will be thinking of you.

M: I think of all of you ttc so often and I'm hoping and wishing for all of you. Hope this is a peaceful stay on the sunny side of the mountain for you and that it ends well.

afm: 33 weeks and about to stop the progesterone treatment I've been taking to stop preterm labour. The hospital have said that they won't try to slow or stop labour if it happens after this point so I'm nervous and just hoping that this dear one is ready to meet the world if he should have to. I still can't quite believe that this is happening, that I have got this far and that I might bring a baby home.

I just noted that I put the wrong date for my c section. Whishful thinking I guess. I will be going on the 19th of May. The day befor my daughters' birthday and anniversary.

Hey M! Thanks for saying hi!!! I have been lurking all around you particularly :) and I am sorry you are mired in the ttc world but I am thankful and so inspired by your hopeful attitude! I really believe this will happen for you. I know it has to be so frustrating to have it be so easy and then suddenly hard. You are an amazing person and all of your children (present and future) are so lucky to have you.

Sophia, I don't know why people can't get it together around you, but I'm sorry. I mean, really. If you don't know what to say, just don't say anything. It's just better. Thinking of you during these last weeks and hoping hoping hoping. And believing, actually.

Catherine......33 WEEKS!!!! Go girl. He will be ready when he comes. He will.

I hope everything went okay today Lola. Even if you aren't high risk, scans are still kind of stressful.

I posted on your blog but thinking of you and sweet George Brianna. I can't tell you this for certain, but I have to think it won't always be this hard. It will always suck though.

Love to all of you xoxo

Keely! Oh, wow, I am so happy to see you here.

I agree with those who say that the shock of "never" doesn't quite wear off, or at least it has not worn off for us at 15 months out. I find myself missing my son more and more as my due date approaches, knowing that I feel more connected to him now with a baby in my belly than I will at any time ever again. I remember that long night of feeling his kicks stop and knowing he was dying, and thinking that I would never feel that again, but now here I am, feeling it again, but very soon it really will be gone forever.

I always remember that the baby who will live in our house is a girl, but I sometimes forget that the baby in my belly is not my little boy.

I'll be 35 weeks on Monday and my doctor doesn't want me to go past 38 weeks, so I am definitely nearing the end here. Much love to all of you.

Keely - I'm so glad to see you over here!

Hello to everyone else.

I'm still here, 32w yesterday. Stressed out because as we get closer to the end, the feeling of risk gets higher. He sleeps longer, stiller and that freaks me right out. Also - he's projected to be big - the US last week had him at 95% percentile. Considering Foster's size and the murky GD / not GD diagnosis I had now there's worry about being reclassed as GD based on his estimated weight. It's all so stressful - I just want to be left alone. Or fuck it - medicalize it to the nth degree since that seems to be the only way sometimes. I'm bitter and angry about this. I really do just want to have a normal pregnancy and with all of this, I'm unsure I ever want to be pregnant again. It's too hard, there's too much watching and I'm tired of being under a microscope for everything I do / don't do.

Anyway - follow up US is in a week and a bit and we'll see what comes of it. Otherwise the pregnancy is boring and normal. He's head down and moves quite a bit. I feel fine, not hungry, no cravings, just tired and mentally stressed from being pregnant. I can't wait until 37w and we can start gentle induction methods. I am done with being pregnant. Bring on labour and the rest of my life.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I do lurk, just rarely update anymore.

Sending love,
Sarah H