I haven't seen one for this week so I thought I would start. Eliza and Merry - you were the only names I recognized right away, I'm sorry you are still in this phase. Everyone else, hi! I haven't been here in quite awhile. I've had major cycle issues and there wasn't any point in trying so I didn't have much to say.

I've been bleeding constantly (mostly lightly) since November, despite increasing doses of continuous birth control. I finally made an appointment for an RE. It's not until April 22nd so I have a few weeks to make myself crazy. We can't afford IVF but I thought maybe we could do an IUI or two, or at the very least some monitored and medicated cycles. If nothing else maybe they can get this damned bleeding to stop!

I'm anxious about trying again. It feels like setting myself up for failure and more heartache. Those of you seeing an RE - do you remember what your first visit was like? Any advice on how to tell if the clinic is decent or not?

How is everyone?

Jen, sorry to hear that your cycle still hasn't stabilized. I haven't managed to get to to RE yet (it's a very long wait here to even get to an gynecologist let alone an RE) so I can't help with that.

On the setting oneself for more heartache front, I found out today that I am not pregnant as I had believed, but likely had a blighted ovum. (I got a +ve just over 2 weeks ago but wasn't ready to share yet.) I started bleeding on Saturday but couldn't get in for an U/S until today when my worst fears were confirmed. No moving to the pregnancy thread for me.

Oh Cara, FFS, I am so sorry. I was hoping you were being quiet for good news...this is heartbreaking.

Jen, I saw an RE but I didn't "choose" because I'm part of Kaiser and I just go to whoever they send you to. I'm sorry you're having bleeding issues - I bled solidly for three months after giving birth and then was having the "ten days off, five days on" bleeding schedule for another month. hoping the RE can give you some answers (the only thing they found in my case was low progesterone). As for "choosing" your RE, I would say my guess will be you'll have a good hunch from meeting with them, and then you could probably do some online googling as well - at least if you're in a big city and going to a popular clinic?

Cara, I'm so sorry. I still say we should all get a free pass on crappy stuff like that. But sadly the universe doesn't listen to me. I hope you get one that sticks really soon.

Sarah - nope, I'm in the boondocks. There are actually two clinics here, one is a satellite from a larger city. I was told by the nurse at my gyn's office NOT to go to the local clinic. She was very emphatic. So it's not like I really have a choice unless I want to travel. But I won't waste my money if it won't get me anywhere, so I still would like to know if they are competent.

Cara, I am thinking of you constantly and willing you through the weekend.

Jen, sorry to see you still need to be here.

Everyone - lots of love.

It is Freddie's birthday on Saturday, though not the day he died, so I have this to do for 11 whole days of memories. Good and bad, hand in hand.

Might not be around much but thinking of everyone.

Does anyone have any idea on when it is okay for me start taking Vitex again? Will it help get my cycle back to "normal" or should I wait until I've had a period?

Merry, you'll hear from me on Saturday.

Cara, I am so sorry. I remember how devestating that first miscarriage (blighted ovum or development stopped at 5 weeks - discovered at 9w) was, and can only imagine that happening after babyloss. Lots of love, dear heart.

As for taking Vitex, it likely will not help your cycle return to normal immediately. Typically, it takes 3-6 months regular ingestion to notice a change in cycle. For that reason - provided you aren't taking other medications or herbal supplements - there is no reason not to start when you've ceased bleeding.

Merry - I am so sorry that this anniversary is upon you. Will be thinking of you this weekend and sending you love through the next two weeks.

Jen - hello, doll! I've only just experienced the first confirmed ovulation since the end of October. I may have had a weak ovulation in January, but I essentially did the same spotting/light bleeding thing for much of November, December and February. My sincere sympathies. I said nearly the same thing in February - don't care so much about ttc as I do about just making this bleeding STOP. Hope the RE can help that.

As for clinics, I don't see an RE presently and anticipate seeing the RE connected to my OB conglomerate (he did my SHG) should I need to go that route. However, what I've seen is that success rates and reviews on patient review sites (basically - poke around on the interwebs) are the best ways to narrow down your clinics and then you go in person for a consultation and best feeling sort of thing. . . Good luck.

___

As for me, officially 3 dpo with about the clearest shift I've had in nearly six months. I was in so much pain on Monday, thanks my right ovary, that I was doubled over and crying. Considered an ER visit seriously and verified at least twice that appendicitis would also have a fever and nausea. I guess if you don't ovulate for five months, it could hurt a bit when you finally do . . .

Our timing was ok. We were basically hitting every other day, but managed two days before ovulation and again the day before ovulation, but didn't hit the day of ovulation, because I got a positive opk that afternoon and assumed I would ovulate the following day (what ended up being ovulation + 1), so we took the night off and my temp jumped up high the following morning and I had to have a long talk with myself about how getting anxious over it was not going to change the situation and how it didn't matter, really, because we'd had sex at a reasonable time and how we weren't going crazy over it, REMEMBER?

(I think we worked it out in the end - though we'll see what happens when I hit that crazy-making early testing time) We're basically agreed to try until we pass April due dates (so, through July, mostly), then put on hold while I consult with the doc and talk about tests/options, and then start again in January 2012, to avoid any time that would have me out at the end of the fiscal year.

Clearly, I'm holding out a lot of hope. Heh. Still, one never knows, and for the moment (subject to change when the wind blows), I am comfortable with this plan. And ignoring that I turn 31 Monday. Because I have to remind myself that 31 isn't ancient in reproductive terms. There is still a long time ahead of us, and we can't make it happen any faster than it will.

Hope you are all well.

I'm still here, and feeling worn down at the moment.

CD15 or so, and I just looked at the calendar to see when I'll be "late" and should test. Probably next Friday. Feels like a million years away. Just such a slog, I'm so sick of it. So much time passes as I'm waiting. I can't believe how pregnant other people manage to get while I sit here in limbo. I mean, of course that would happen...it's been nine long months, so people who got pregnant when I first started trying are now giving birth. People who got pregnant when I was already slogging through are like halfway through pregnancies. It's such a mindfuck though. And so rottenly unfair, for whatever that's worth (which is NOTHING).

I've just heard my 1000th pregnancy announcement, and just UGH. I'm so sick of being on this side of things and not being able to see the light at the end and having to be happy for everyone else. And several days ago I was feeling so good and hopeful -- it almost feels like my body has snapped out of it and returned to "normal" though of course that might be wishful thinking. But still I can't find peace. My friends who I know are also ttc haven't been in touch in a few weeks, and I'm sure it means they're all pregnant, too.

Okay, sorry for the rant. Sometimes I just need to puke it out.

I'm on CD 15. My body feels good. It's hard to know when I should test since my cycles have been different every month, but I guess sometime next week. If I'm smart, I'll hold off until at least the end of the week, but we'll see.

Hope everyone else is hanging on. Good luck, eliza!!

Oh, Cara, I am so sorry. I, too have had a couple of early losses over the last few months and they sting quite a bit. I can't decide if they give me hope or if they deject me. More than anything, though, I feel like they peel the scab off my old wounds...

Jen, I am sorry your cycles are giving you such grief.
I hope your RE appointment, if you already had it, went well.
I am not sure if you aware of this, but all fertility clinics are required to report to the CDC, which publishes their success rates:
http://www.cdc.gov/art/ARTReports.htm
Of course success rates are only one way to gauge the value of a clinic. I found that a personalized approach -- having an RE that seems empathetic, will listen, and will not make you feel rushed, is almost as valuable as the success rates. In short, your got will let you know if this RE is the person for you....

Merry -- thinking about you and Freddie these next few days... And I do hope you can move out of this thread soon...

M -- I am so sorry you are still stuck here. In a way, I know how you feel -- I was actively ttc for 3 years before I became pregnant with my daughter (though this wasn't post-loss; so the pain was not as acute.) But it always hurts to be left behind, to live in limbo like that. I will be thinking about you and sending you many fertile thoughts....

eliza -- what a wonderful stage to be in -- trying again after a while. I wish you much much luck!!!

AFM -- seems like I will be stuck here, in this thread, for at least one more cycle. Ovulation day is in a couple of days, yet I'm still here -- have not managed to move and join my husband yet.
Was quite upset last week when I realized the move wasn't going to happen any time soon. It didn't help that I had another birthday over the weekend. Time is not on my (or my crappy eggs' ) side.
Breathing deeply, desperately hanging on to whatever little threads of Zen I have, these days...

It may never cease to astonish me how capable I am of making myself insane over something that I would scoff at in another individual. To wit: I feel some mild cramping and heaviness. Immediately, I begin comparing to the other pregnancies - any comparisons there? What about non-pregnant cycles? What about how long it's been since a really solid ovulation? What about the timing? Would implantation be possible? Likely? Would I feel it?

Repeat. Ad. Nauseum.

Lord have mercy on my soul, I am a walking package of crazy cakes. When it starts up, I just take a deep breath and repeat the mantra that the important thing is that I ovulated and it appears my cycle is back on track.

Let's see how much longer this lasts, shall we?

Hang in there, eliza. Crazy cakes we all are. (And not just us. Any woman who's walked this planet after trying to conceive.)
Will be keeping my fingers crossed for you, but really, you're right: No matter what, you're on the right track, you're on the right track, you're on the right track...
Peace to you, mama...

Crazy crazy cakes here. I'm not even sure that ovulated, I just *think* I did. Today is day 18 of this cycle and time is creaking by as slowly as ever. I used to have 21-22 day cycles, though I've had several during this ttc time that were 26. If the signs I interpreted as ovulation were correct, I would have ovulated around day 10 (which I think was my normal when I was having 21-22 day cycles). So do I stress myself out and test at the end of this weekend? Or wait another week? There's no right answer. I'm trying to distract myself, sometimes more successfully than others.

Crazy Cake is a good description.

Well, the universe is having a chuckle again. I ovulated on the 2nd and so with my 11 day LP, I'm due to get my period on the 13th. Well, actually today it shifted by a day on FF, but it WAS that - Freddie's birth and death dates.

Our timing was perfect but it won't make any difference. Regardless, I'm using progesterone to time to my Clomid appt; I am damn well NOT getting my period on the 13th.

Merry, that is just so eff-ed up. Don't blame you at all for using the progesterone to move AF. If the Clomid works, you don't want to be quoting April 13th as you LMP for the next 9 months. (I so hope it works for you.)

Something "normal" seems to be happening, but I have no idea when I'll actually ovulate and the package of OPT's I ordered is probably still 4 days away so there's nothing we can do except BDing every second day until my temp goes up. How romantic is that? DH still thinks that somehow making a baby should be spontaneous and sexy. Where has he been for the last 2 years? Ugh, men.

More hpt line drama.

Had a day with no lines. Then shadow lines near the time limit. Then this morning, 10 dpo, I saw a line by 4 minutes in. Not dark enough to really call a positive, but I was sure it was there. Jason said he didn't see anything, but he was half-asleep. I shrugged, figured I was also half-asleep and imagining things and tossed it on the dresser, went back to bed. Woke up an hour and a half later and looked at it again, and there was a faint purply line, clearly.

Of course, that's invalid, since it's at least an hour and a half beyond the time limit. But suggestive, right?

So I think about it all day. Begin driving home from work, talking about it w/ Jason. Then we get rear-ended. Joy. (we're fine. I don't want to be an adult and deal with having to get my poor car fixed though).

Get home, pee in a cup, take a test. Think I see a line, again at about 4 minutes in. Then I hand it to Jason who says (rare for him) "Hey, I think I see it. Might even call it pink." Cool. The remaining time passes, and I look again . . . and really don't think I see a line anymore. Maybe I do? I'm not sure? Weird. Huh. Ok.

(sidenote: These are all cassette tests from saveontests.com - comparable to $tree tests).

I take a First Response. And . . . nothing. Maybe a shadow, if you turn it a little, squint and throw salt over your shoulder or something.

Take another cheapie, and this time, the line stays. Very, very faint, would probably dry darker. Begin to wonder if it's just a weird thing with the tests (I always, always, always got faint positives on Target & CVS brands - turns out my husband is pregnant too, by that standard) (yes, I made him take a pregnancy test last year) (yes, I still make fun of him for doing it).

Do a control test by using water instead of urine and give both to Jason to see what he thinks. Initially he says he thinks he sees a line on the water test, and nothing on the latest pee test. In a side-by-side comparison, he changes his mind (I don't see anything on the water test, which means little I suppose).

I'm not nauseated. That's normally a give away. With Gabe, I had random waves of nausea beginning at 8 dpo. I know how illogical that sounds, but it's true. I threw up for the first time at 11 dpo when I brushed my teeth (my hcg that day was 25, according to the beta). With the longest m/c & even the ectopic, I had at least some nausea, beginning at 4 weeks. Right now, while my boobs are killing me, I'm just not really experiencing that nausea. I mean, I have a bit around meals, but not like before. So, I'm going to guess it's probably a no go, but who the hell knows?

Clearly, I'm way too familiar with tests - having taken HUNDREDS over the last 4 years - to be able not immediately tell where the lines should be. I'm probably imagining things. How tiresome this all is though. It really brings my ambivalence about another pregnancy and children to the forefront.

Oh Eliza, I'm really hoping this is it for you, that the lines continue to grow darker and more consistent...

For what it's worth, I had very similar sounding line drama on 10 dpo the cycle I got pregnant, with imaginary lines that only I could see...really, really hoping that this is a similar situation for you. (I got the same imaginary "is it a line?" on 11 dpo, then stopped testing until 15 dpo, so I can't tell you when a "real" line would've first shown up...)

Fingers crossed for you. For all of you, actually. xo

Oh, Eliza - I'm holding my breath over here. I really hope that line gets darker. I laughed out loud about using your husband as a control. I should try that. Those stupid tests that have the cross on them or the blue backgrounds always look positive to me.

In my little world I have some news. After waiting for six months to hear from a social worker we finally have a home study in progress. OF COURSE this is happening at the same time as my first ever RE appointment. Of course. I just hope they aren't going to give us a hard time about getting fertility treatments at the same time we are applying for an adoption.

Jen - my friends offered to throw him a baby shower, and he was *pissed off* I'd told them about that test. It truly hadn't occurred to me at the time I could have just used water, because I can be dim like that.

As for fert treatments and adoption, it's never been a deal breaker that I know of, though I'm sure it can come up in the context of "Will you change your mind if you conceive or have a baby?" I believe, though I can't say with certainty, that the friends I know who went through foster-to-adopt in my area continued treatments until their second child was placed with them. It is possibly something that varies area to area? But hey - the news about home-study in progress is tremendously exciting. And meeting with an RE doesn't obligate to seek extensive treatment. I view it more as getting things lined up and getting enough information to make fully informed decisions.

Hope it goes well.

-o0o-

As for me . . . well, temp went back up this morning, a 0.4 jump this am. Generally, once it goes down at that point in the luteal phase, it stays down, so that's good. Had some brown spotting this morning as well; not much, but noticeable when I wiped. That continued to fade throughout the day, rather than getting stronger as I would expect if my period were coming (it's due tomorrow/Monday).

Tested again this morning. The IC was fairly well the same as yesterday: a line, faint, mostly colorless, forms by 5 minutes in. We can both see it without squinting, twisting, turning, in normal light. Dries to a faint pink/purple color. Took a FR. I saw the faintest shadowiest line imaginable at 3 minutes. Never really darkened, but unlike last night, there wasn't squinting/twisting. Jason says he doesn't see anything. Shrug.

Tested again after a nap in the afternoon, so evening time, again with an IC. This test was probably the darkest yet. Jason said he thought it was darker than this morning. I might even hesitantly say it was pink. I do think they are getting darker.

We'll see what the morning holds. It is so difficult not to just spiral downwards into a morass of anxiety and lip-biting and hand-wringing. I feel mostly ambivalent, and pessimistic. Besides you all and Jason, there are only 2 people who know I'm testing right now. I told one earlier today that I feel I can say I'm chemically pregnant . . . and we'll have to see what happens next. I also said I'd describe myself not as cautiously hopeful or feeling optimistic, but as cautiously less pessimistic than usual.

I entered a + hpt on my chart. And freaked out a little. And deleted it. Then entered it again. By most definitions, that is a positive test. Whatever happens next doesn't change that. If I think too long on it, my nerves go haywire. Do we really want this? What are we thinking? Why are we putting ourselves in the position to suffer more losses? I just don't think I fundamentally believe - all evidence of the existence of the human race not withstanding - that pregnancies last full term and produce living children. I'm looking at that late, delayed ovulation and thinking - no way could that possibly work out to be a living baby with no genetic problems or health issues. And for the love of god, we still have debt! and I'm fat! and this is terrible timing! But . . . I want it to be positive at the same time. I want it to be real. I want to not feel stupid tomorrow or the next day if my period starts or if I have a miscarriage in a week or two or ten.

As for symptoms - fatigue still present, as are very sore boobs. Some nausea around mealtimes today, nothing major. Bit of a metallic taste in my mouth. Some mild cramping that I am over-analyzing like you wouldn't believe.

Man, I wish my crystal ball were working properly. I'd just like to know how this ends, you know?

Definite positive on FR today. Still very light, but pink. There. Trying so hard not to freak the fuck out right now. I've got a million and one worries spinning through my head - 12 dpo? is that too late? is it a chemical pregnancy? or another ectopic? I mean, since the other pregnancies that weren't those things had positives on 10 dpo, not faint lines on 12 dpo. Is it a bad sign? Am I nauseated yet? Is that a sign?

Bah. One thing at a time. I'll take another test in the morning, and if it's still +, I'll call the doc for betas. The test is sitting beside me innocently, positively, and I still don't believe it.

Eliza, I am hopeful for you.

**pregnancy mentioned**

If it's at all helpful to hear any of this, I had only "imaginary" lines at 10 and 11 dpo. My husband convinced me I was seeing things. I had spotting and implantation cramps/twinges on 11 and 12 dpo. I am now in my twelfth week of a chromosomally healthy (as per cvs results this week), non-ectopic pregnancy...

Really hoping all turns out for the best. xo

So sorry to keep posting here. I just don't have anyone to talk to really. The last time I had a test like this, it was a chemical pregnancy. Over a year ago, right after Gabe's due date had passed.

I'm sort of a wreck. I don't think I can handle this. Every few mintues poking or grabbing my boobs to see if they are still sore (not at the moment). Feeling nausea. Note some 'stained' cervical fluid. Not even really spotting, though an internal check shows some brown spotting and a bit of red at the cervix. Does that mean it's a chemical pregnancy? Or just the result of a late implanter?

Do I take my temp in the morning? I didn't today. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified to call the doc and request the beta. I just sort of assume it will be negative. Or too low. Or abnormal. And I need to focus at work, but I can't focus on much else.

I'm not sure I can handle this, that I'm ready for this, that I want this. Oh sure, if someone would tell me how it ends, that would be ok. But this waiting, waiting, waiting. I wonder if a chemical pregnancy wouldn't be better. But then I feel guilty and awful for thinking that. I just want to cry, I feel so lost and afraid right now.

Yikes, Eliza! That's enough to make anyone crazy. I don't mind if you post here, I think it's what we are all here for. I don't think I would have the nerve to move over the the pregnancy thread until after betas at least. I'm crossing all my bits for you, deep breaths.

And now I feel so fucking stupid. The FR today was barely positive. Nothing like the clear positives I got yesterday.

Another fucking chemical pregnancy.

I just want to curl up in a hole for a very long time. Sorry to have taken up so much space with angst over nothing.

Eliza, this whole thread is devoted to "angst over nothing" (at least that's how I view my many unsuccessful cycles) so don't be sorry for using it to try to help yourself. I'm sorry that it looks like this won't be the cycle for you. There's no chance that you just drank to much water yesterday and the sample was diluted?

The + this morning that was only barely positive was with FMU. Unfortunately. I'll test again when I get home, but honestly, I'm not expecting anything but a negative. Other than a faulty test, there is no reason that I shouldn't have gotten a nice, clear test line at 13 dpo except a chemical pregnancy.

Right now, I'm just not sure I can do this again. This weekend was torturous. Maybe i just had a gut feeling and that's why, but I think I could get a test singing the hallelujah chorus at 10 dpo and still wouldn't believe it would all work out. That was #7. Unless I don't count the chemical pregnancies, but they've been days of torture, so why not count them? I don't feel about them the way I felt about Gabe - totally different, there was no attachment to that few day old embryo - but the emotional toll is so much.

Jason is trying to be positive - see! you did get pregnant again, first time you've ovulated in forever! That means the odds are good you'll get pregnant on a normal cycle! Things are working in there! Let's keep trying! It'll work out sooner or later!

Only - if thing were working, I'd still be pregnant and going for betas and feeling relatively competent with the numbers. What good do a handful of positive hpt's do me, except to reiterate something ISN'T working correctly? And I was going insane yesterday. I can't do that for long stretches at a time, I simply can't.

I know that I am feeling exceedingly embittered right now, and under a great deal of pressure, because we've got 2, maybe 3 cycles to ttc before we hit the break period. So today is not the day to make a decision about continuing to ttc or not. But right now, I'm sort of ready to wash my hands of it all. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy. I don't want to adopt. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't want someone else's child. I want my child. And of course, I know your adopted children ARE your children, but I'm not at that place right now.

I don't want to only be a mother to a box of ashes. But I'm not sure I can stand - mentally and emotionally - to continue this if I have to worry about even making it to beta, let alone all the other fucking things I have to worry about, given my obstetric history. I don't understand why this is so hard for me when it's something that other people do everyday with no second thoughts or fears or anything. I feel like such an utter failure.

eliza,

So sorry, love. I don't know of anything that can mess with your mind more than this whole loss/ttc/is-it-a-line-or-isn't-it rollercoaster. And if hope is too much of a burden to carry right now...put it down. Let us carry it for you. And when the time comes, we'll cry with you or celebrate with you.

You're not crazy for feeling overwhelmed and aggrieved and at odds with the entire universe and your own body. What a mess of things to deal with all at once. On top of that, I think the "maybe"s are generally harder to deal with than reality...because at that point we're trying to deal with ALL of the mutually exclusive possibilities at the same time, and reconcile ourselves to ALL of them, or come up with plans for ALL of them...even though, when it comes time, we only have to deal with one scenario and not the universe of possibilities.

Sounds like it's enough for you to get through today. Hold on, and keep us posted, okay? We're pulling for you. May your world soon make sense, and your heart and your head be at rest.

eliza - I am so sorry. I can only imagine all you have been through these days. I never test. I can't do it. Of course, I would if I were late a couple of days, but since I started TTC, some 16 cycles ago, it never happened. I totally understand what you mean by wanting to give up. I have the same feeling. I am tired of all this. Emotionally exhausted and angry at the world. I started a slow process of convincing myself that adoption is not so bad, that adoptive parents end up loving their children, etc, etc. But it is tough, specially after getting so close to have my own child.

I finally did the HSG and it seems one of the tube might be blocked. I have a completely bicornuate uterus and I know when I got pregnant the egg came through that tube. Go figure. So now I've got high FSH and a blockage. Perfect combination. I am gathering strength to see a new doctor (I give up my RE) and ask what can be done. Meanwhile I am treating my stress otherwise I will get really sick. I want to be able to sleep again. I had some hope for this cycle. Exactly three years ago I got pregnant for the first and last time. I don't care the due date would be the same. I just wished I could have another baby and that this time s/he was born alive. Timing was good, but hope at this moment is low.

Thinking about you, Eliza. I'm sorry that you are on this trying roller coaster ride.

Eliza, I'm so sorry about the rollercoaster. It's awful.

Francisca, I'm so sorry about the possible blockage news.

I tested early this month, on a whim, after not testing at all the last few months. And it was positive!
I'm shocked and thrilled. The line was faint, but it was definitely there. It's very very early....I ovulate early (when I'm ovulating) and so I think I'm like 3 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I did find out this early with both previous pregnancies. I know there's a long, long road in front of me but at the moment, I'm feeling unreservedly happy and grateful. This morning I'm going in for a quick blood test, just to check hcg and progesterone levels. I've started to tell some friends and family (I lost Pearl at 36 weeks so the notion of a "safe period" is kind of lost on me, plus I guess I'm a talker).

So, fingers crossed that this works out, and fingers crossed that all of the rest of you get pregnant again soon. The combination of grief and unsuccesfully-ttc makes for such a terrible struggle. I'm so grateful for all the support I've received here.

Very happy for you M. Cautiously hopeful, and fingers crossed. xo