Hello all thought I would start a new week. My IVF cycle got cancelled. I only had 3 follicles( supposed to have 10-20 or so). So I took shots for 3 weeks for nothing. Very expensive shots I might add. I am glad though that the dr's didn't try to convince me to keep going. So now I will wait for AF and maybe start again. I have to get some bloodwork that will tell me if i had too much medications or if I have low ovarian reserve. Hopefully just too much medications. So that is my crappy news. Hopefully everyone else is doing better.

Kara, I am so sorry :(

AFM, well, my no-try-zone (ha!) hasn't entirely panned out as we did have sex early in my cycle (CD8) which that scan seemed to suggest included a day 10 ovulation. I did have EWCM then but there is no reason to suppose this month will be any different to any other month. My temps never did anything obvious at all so I'm not convinced there was an egg.

In a way, I slightly resent it. I was hating not being able to ttc this month but I was sort of relieved not to have the cycle of hope and despair for a few weeks. Now of course, I have a thread of hope which I know is almost no hope and - argh.

Merry, I'm also in a "fake" two week wait and sort of rolling my eyes at myself. In my case, my husband was traveling right when I assumed I'd be ovulating ("assumed" being the operative word). I had EWCM and some ovulation signs the day before he got back or maybe the day he returned. Anyway, we did have sex after he got back, and so even though the timing was still probably terrible (and I think I'm much more likely to ovulate early than late), I still can't help but have a shred of hope. It's such a slender shred that I *think* the arrival of my period will be less depressing than it has been the last few times, but, well....you know.

Kara, I'm so sorry your IVF cycle was canceled (but obviously glad they didn't push you to continue if it wasn't working). I hope the bloodwork provides hopeful news, and that you can get on to the next cycle quickly.

Thanks girls. I was going to take a month off but I am worried that if I do my IVF cycle will be on Josie's supposed to be 1st birthday. I know I am going to be a mess around this time and I don't think it will be very good timing. Who knows maybe my bloodwork will be back early and I won't have to worry about it.
This may be a dumb ? but what is EWCM?

Good luck to you girls with your threads of hope. Sometimes that Hope girl is a real bitch.

Kara - I am so sorry your cycle was canceled. Arrrrgh! This is so unfair. I hope you have better luck next time.

M and Merry - I am in the same zone. This cycle was a mess. I thought I had ovulated but I hadn't so timing wasn't perfect. Still we had sex two days before O. I lost hope lately. I just feel it is not going to happen without extra help. I am so sad and anxious. And I am anxious I am anxious. I feel it is all my fault because I can't relax and trust. On top of all this, our finances are not the best right now. I start cognitive-behavioral therapy on Friday. I hope it helps. Next week I have another appointment with the fertility specialist to start making plans for my extra help.

Just a quick complaint....

I've been crazy crampy and twingy and burbly (if that makes sense?) and checking the TP like crazy for the last two days, and based on all these strange feelings I'm anticipating a return to the crazy heavy bleeding periods of late fall. Based on my description of these periods, by doctor was pretty sure they were anovulatory, and said that because the hormones weren't doing their thing to signal the end of the cycle, the environment becomes unstable and finally releases and that's why there are so many crazy twingy crampy feelings and heavy bleeding once it starts. Anyway, I know I'm not explaining that well but I'm tired and its late (and I'm grumpy). So I knew there was only a sliver of a chance this month, but I was at least hopeful that my body would be getting closer to normal and hormones would be settling - another month to heal and get back to normal, right? But if this is what I think it is, that's not the case and I feel like I'm going backward despite acupuncture and raspberry leaf tea and extreme, hard-won patience. So frustrating. Also, I have a long day tomorrow, that ends with a cross-country hour flight and I'm dreading having a crazy heavy bleeding period on the plane. I bought a big box of tampons and pads so I'd at least be prepared on the flight. THIS SUCKS.

Hesitantly making my appearance here...

Kara, I am so very sorry for your canceled cycle. As if ttc is not hard enough, the meds (their effects on both the psyche and the wallet) heighten emotions and make defeat all the more heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you.
I am not certain if I should offer this anecdote or not (because sometimes offering hope can be cruel). But I know of a couple who was in the exact same situation as you -- cancelled cycle because of low response. And that was their Cycle -- one of those 2-3 follicles is now their healthy little boy -- conceived the old fashioned way. So you never know...
Either way, I hope the news will be good once you get your blood work done...

Francesca, I am glad you are getting some help -- both with the CBT and the RE. I hope both these people are good and comforting and can offer some relief. Still better, I hope this cycle unexpectedly works (because that's when cycles usually do work, don't they?) Whatever the case, I will be thinking about you.

M -- I hate to sound like a broken record here, but you just never know what the "twingy" "bubbly" feelings are. I, too, thought I knew my body and thought I could decipher the signs, but, truth be told, the body's language is rather degenerate -- it uses the same "signs" to convey so many different meanings! So try not to worry (easier said than done, of course!) The twinges could be what you described, or they could be implantation cramps. Or neither. You just never know. You just have to wait and see. I really hope it's implantation, of course, but whatever it is, try not to cross that bridge till you get to it... Hang in there, mama...

AFM: Both excited and dreading putting myself in this space. Have a history of, oh, I don't know, about 45+ failed ttc cycles. So, yeah, I cannot be too hopeful. But I'm still happy to at least be able to TRY again. I have not been able to do so lately because hubby and I have been apart for 6 months. Waiting -- wasting the post-miscarriage fertile window -- has been tough on me. But I am finally about to move across the planet to join my husband. The hope is for me to be with him for my next ovulation day (by April 6th, or so.) Doing so under such time constraints is going to be tough as I need to prepare and give some presentations at work -- plus wrap up tons of things there; I need to sort through/pack a whole apartment and sell all my furniture (ugh, don't get me started about craigslist scammers!); plus I am a single mom at the moment. But at least I have a goal. Hoping for a pregnancy by the end of the year (we're trying again the old fashioned way before IVF, because lately that seems to have worked -- it's carrying a pregnancy to term that poses the problem.) Mostly trying to find my Zen. Trying to be ok with what I have and with whatever life throws at me...

Period has just arrived. An 18 day cycle. So if she did see a corpus luteum, and she probably did, our timing was perfect and I didn't get pregnant. Again. For the 14th time since Freddie died. What the fuck has gone so wrong with us. And 18 days? For gods sake :( I didn't bother with progesterone this month, since I was supposed to be NOT getting pregnant, so I know exactly how long it was. Everything points to having ovulated about day 10, so I didn't even get a 10 day luteal phase, never mind 11. I'm doomed. I must be doomed. I wish I knew what was wrong. I'm sure how horrendously stressful the last few days has been hasn't helped but even so :( If I can't get pregnant when there is an egg and there is the opportunity, I might has well just go and throw myself off something.

Merry, love, I'm so sorry. I know that does nothing to make it better, but it's true all the same. I am. So. Sorry. I saw your other post, too, and I'm also sorry about that.

k, welcome, and thank you for the nice thoughts. If this experience of ttc after loss has taught me anything, it's that my body's signals are very hard to read. When I had cycles like this in the fall, I was so sure it meant I was pregnant. This time, I'm so sure it means I'm not. And either option is as likely to be true as the other, based on current information. It's such a crazy place to be.

I am dragging myself back to whisper hello.

I came down suddenly with the flu a week ago. I've been back at work since yesterday. I am still feeling like utter shit. Ok, no, it's better than it was. Massively better, but as I told my boss yesterday, I feel like I'm pregnant again - that complete, bone-numbing fatigue that sleep doesn't really help, the nausea (though that finally seems to be slacking off, thank goodness). . .

And my poor, stupid body was trying SO hard to ovulate in the midst of that. Finally backed off, thank goodness, and seems to be gearing up for another go.

DH got sick as well, though not so bad as me, and I was googling 'fever and sperm count' Monday because I have apparently flipped my shit entirely.

We are trying this cycle, but not in a hardcore sort of way. This cycle, and the next, maybe one more if these don't work, then a break, I think. Anything beyond an April due date is pushing my comfort level right now. I'm at a weird place where I really, really want to be pregnant, but am completely ok with not being pregnant. It's like - we're making so much progress in other areas, I'm ok with that continuing for now. But I still really want to have a baby in a way that makes me ache with longing.

So, whatever.

Kara - I'm so sorry your treatment was halted. I hope very much it's just meds and it's easily fixable. What a mindfuck though. :(

Merry - I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Infertility is a tough thing no matter what, but especially cruel in this instance. I hope they can get you on meds that will help though, so this rollercoaster doesn't continue too long. I know you are in your off-limits season, so I hope that break helps a little.

M - ugh. I am sorry that things are in such flux. I completely understand what you mean about just wanting hormones to work correctly. It's quite frustrating when it's all wrong and you can't do anything about it. This month was the first time that my body really seemed to be working since my promotion and I get hit with the damned flu. Terribly irritating, completely apart from ttc. It's like spinning your wheels, waiting for things to just work damn it, so you can even think about trying and not wasting your time/energe/money.

Francisca - ahh, dear heart. "I am anxious I am anxious" - oh I know that so well. And the money thing to boot. It's such an unhappy place to be, waiting and wondering and worrying. I hope the anxiety resolves soon, and that the therapy helps you in ways you can't imagine.

k- welcome and good luck. Just reading about what all you will be trying to do tires me! Good luck with everything as you get ready to move.

Hoping desperately that things start to improve for us all soon. I rang my gynae today. I'm in limbo a bit as by period stopped, I had a sort of heavy, old bleed and then it went again. My temp is down, so it will come tomorrow but at least it will have been a bit longer. I miss counted, so it will make it to 21 then. I think the blood could be from the scan.

Anyway, gynae has brought forward my Clomid start to mid April. I will get past Freddie's dates and then I can time my next cycle with progesterone to co-incide with the appt and start Clomid from then. It's not much, but it is something.

Oh to top it all, I had my phone stolen last night :( It isn't like it matters but oddly it feels like one more loss I can't fix. I hate knowing someone has my phone and will just have erased the photo of Freddie that has been there from the start so they can make money from it. I hate not having the phone I carried around while he was alive :(

I'm so sorry about your phone, Merry, and especially your pictures of Freddie.

I'm out, as of this morning. This month should have been an easy out (bad timing), but my body decided to fuck with me and make it hard anyway. I started having intense cramps a full week before my period actually started. I dissociated as well as I could, but after 5 or 6 days I had to start assuming that something good maybe finally happened, all of that must be implantation, despite the slim window....blah, blah, blah, I'm actually so stupid that I daydreamed about telling people it had finally worked. HA HA HA.

I'm so sick of feeling this broken. I'm trying to give my body time but I think it's getting worse instead of better, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

M -- I am so very sorry. This is, truly very hard... I wish I could do or say something to make it better. As if dealing with babyloss were not enough... But hang in there, mama....
I wonder, however, did you test? Although I have often been wrong about my pregnancy status, I realized that I am correct more often than I am wrong: I never used to test early, but ever since I did, I realized that I am usually pregnant when I think I am -- but most of the pregnancies tend to be chemicals. Not that I would wish this on you (it's heartbreaking in its own way) but chemical pregnancy vs no pregnancy often warrant different "strategies."
Although I've been lurking here for a while, I don't remember -- have you been to an RE? Just to run some tests, for peace of mind?
Whatever the case, I will be thinking about you....

Merry, I am so sorry about this cycle, and about your phone. That's almost the definition of adding insult to injury... Ugh... Thinking about you and hoping the appointment with the gynae will go well, and Clomid will work!

Eliza, good luck with this cycle. I like the idea of non-hard core trying. It's so hard not to get caught up. (It makes you fear the stupid "maybe you should just relax" comments are right!) But I love your attitude -- that we really can't compartmentalize our lives, that we are more than our reproductive success (shut up, Darwin, I was not talking to you!) and that there are so many aspects of life that can tip the balance towards "good" when weighing our life. I aspire to be there.

AFM: Expecting my period this week. (LMP: 3/25/11. Can I daydream about that for awhile?) Here's to not getting another until, oh, January 2013.
In the mean time, selling more furniture, packing, tending to a sick toddler, preparing for a presentation at work on Wednesday. Hoping to be with DH in two weeks. Busy is good.

Oh M :( I know. I hate that feeling of a tiny bit of hope followed by an even worse downer. After I started bleeding and it stopped I had a good 24 hours of "could it have been implantation?"

NO.

Gentle, gentle hugs. I'm so sorry we are still stuck in this.

Still with you all. My heart cries for your pain. Know I am with you on your journey, and pulling for Big Fat Positives!
Wanted to let you know our new excitement. No I was not successful, and we are not TTC now. But we opened our home to a medical foster child. Eddie is 3 months old. He has been diagnosed with down syndrome, partial cleft palate, and multiple other diagnosis. Eddie is tiny, weighs 7-10 now. he has had a rough start in life. He was the 7th child born to a mom who does not have custody of ANY of her children (frequent drug use, and imprisionment). I try not to think of her, I get too angry. It is nice to have a baby in our home, but it is certainly not my baby. Amazing how different the feelings are, but so much the same.
Cheryl

I just wanted to post to say that I am thinking of everyone here, that I follow along and hope hope hope for all of you, and that I wish so hard for each person in this thread to get good news soon. Much love to all of you.

So now it is official: I have premature ovarian failure. My FSH was 27! I am only 35 and my only child was still born. How can I keep calm and positive? My doctor prescribed a clomid treatment. I am not sure what to do. I wanted to try taking DHEA (my levels are low) but he was not excited about that and turned me off. It is so hard to take these decisions. Of course I am typing it at 4:30AM because I can't sleep. : (

Cheryl, how lovely of you. Our first child was born with a cleft lip and palate - I remember those early days well. I'm so proud of you. We discussed fostering before Freddie died, but i think I couldn't deal with giving them back now. Hats off to you.

Francisca, I am so sorry. Our circumstances are not the same I know, but I hope Clomid works for both of us.

Cheryl, how wonderful! I am so glad you have Eddie in your house. But, mama, will you have to give him back at some point? Will you be ok? Or could this end up being a more permanent placement? Whatever the case, I wish you peace and happiness with your little bundle...

Oh, Francesca, what terrible news... I am so sorry. (Have they looked into causes of this at all? POF is often autoimmune, in which case treating the underlying immune disorder may sometimes improve fertility.)
You're dealing with so much -- making decisions has to be very hard...
But may I ask why your doctor thought DHEA was a bad idea? (it was my RE who got me on it, and as far as I can tell, there are new studies on DHEA coming out every month, and the data is now becoming rather unequivocal that DHEA helps...) Was the recommendation against DHEA because of the concurrent clomid, or because of something else? If it's the former, I have read of success stories of clomid/dhea together, but I know it's a hard decision, as there's so little data... Hang in there, mama. I will be thinking about you...

k - Thanks for your input. I am living in Spain and medicine here is VERY bad. I am sure there is something else going on with me (maybe some mild autoimmune disorder), but their practice here is to do the basic analyses and if there isn't anything too alarming they disregard all your symptoms and tell you not to worry because you are fine. I am a molecular biologist and often search the medical literature and this is how I know about DHEA. I think my doctor hasn't seen them yet (and I go to one of the best fertility specialists in Barcelona). It is good to know your RE put you on DHEA. Are you also taking progesterone supplements during the luteal phase together with DHEA? I won't take clomid this month yet. I am waiting to get a hysterosalpingography done (this Friday) and will send all the results to mom who is going to see a very good doctor on my behalf to ask his opinion.

Cheryl - This is an amazing thing you are doing. Eddie is a lucky boy.

Hi Francisca,

I, too, am originally from that region of the world, so I know how frustrating healthcare can be!
But I am glad you have access to a good RE. I know that, even with the research, not everyone thinks DHEA is all that it's hyped up to be. Some RE's tend to think that with POF, estrogen priming is the way to go -- although that tends to be with IVF, rather than natural cycles. (But my own anecdotal evidence supports this -- I have only gotten pregnant during cycles that my estrogen has been really high -- either naturally, or because of some sort of supplementation.) My point is, your RE might be aware of the literature on DHEA, but he might not be convinced yet. (I find it easier to give my doctors the benefit of the doubt; otherwise, i lose all trust in them. But that's just me...)

As for myself, I am not at the moment on progesterone for the luteal phase, because I am not yet trying to conceive (husband and I are apart.) I am just on the DHEA, hoping that it will have taken effect by the time my husband and I are together again (it's supposed to take a minimum of 6 weeks to have any effect.)

But once I start ttc again, yes, I will be on progesterone, because a) I bleed as soon as I stop the dhea -- that's how strong its effect is on me; and b) I don't think I ever had a problem with a short luteal phase, until I started dhea. So yes, I have a prescription for progesterone and plan on using it next month.

I also plan on being on baby aspirin starting the day of ovulation -- there is some research that suggests that not only does it help with autoimmune issues and implantation; but also, if there is an underlying clotting disorder, anticoagulants are best administered very early, as they may affect gene expression and prevent clots. I was on baby aspirin very early for my single successful pregnancy (was not on it for subsequent pregnancies), and while a sample of one is no proof, I will take every little help I can...

In any case, that's my current modus operandi. I hope your other doctor will have something positive to say, and that you'll get some relief from this nightmare soon... I'll be thinking about you...