What a week (and it is only Tuesday).

Yesterday I had my follicle scan to see if I am ovulating. The day just was horrible.

(The back story of all this is that 3 weeks before Freddie was born, we lost a pet rabbit in awful circumstances, seems irrelevant.. isn't.)

Just before I was due to go out for my scan, one of our girls came in to say our old lady rabbit didn't look right. Went out and (of course) she was clearly fitting (Freddie had fits for his whole life) and fading away slowly. Total dilemma as I was about to go out the house, couldn't really miss the appt as it as timed for my cycle so ended up having to abandon 4 distraught children on my friend when the had just witnessed their pet slowly dying in the way their brother did, so dh could could come with me, bringing the rabbit with us so we could take her to the vet and have her put down.

I can't tell you what watching another small thing fitting and dying slowly did to me :(

Went to scan and unusually, got a complete cow. She was dismissive about Freddie, seemed to think I was just being quite annoying to be there when I had had 5 children, said "well, that's the nature of things" when I ventured that this was a tough time for me. She had to scan internally and it was the most painful one I have had, very birth triggery and she got annoyed I was hurting, though I didn't ask her to stop and was trying to be brave.

She couldn't see very well (seemed to think I was just being provocative having bowel in the way really!) and eventually concluded she had possibly seen a corpus luteum on my left "so everything is normal". I'm day 10 so on top o everything else I have alreafy ovulated and ARGH - we had sex... i the one month I'm supposed to be skipping. I knew I had anyway, as just before I left I got EWCM. Argh. Day10. Argh.

Pulled my trousers back on and she said "I need to know your cycle length" - I replied it was always different and all I could really say was it tends to be 11 days from when I ovulate. "I didn't ask you that, I asked your cycle length." i said again I didn't have one, it varied depending on when I ovulated which could be anything from day 8 to day 20.

"Will you stop being clever, I need your cycle length for the form"

I said" FINE! 21,22,23,24,25,6,27,28,29... I've had 12 cycles since my baby son died at 11 days old (which she already knew) and they've all been different!"

"Oh. You're irregular. You should have said."

I asked her name. She immediately realised I wanted it for a complaint and looked panicky. I started to leave the room, in tears, and she said "OH! You are leaving the room in distress! You had better come back in."

Am very glad that I did have the presence of mind, in the corridor and witnessed by another staff member to say "No, you have been thoughtless and uncaring and I do not want to speak to you." and left.

Then I had to go with dh so our rabbit could be put down and for the 3rd time in a year, go back into my house to tell my 4 girls that something they love was dead.

It was a really very shitty day.

And on top of all that if I AM ovulating, then I don't know why I am not getting pregnant and presumably Clomid is not going to help :(

Merry, I am so sorry you had such a frustrating day. I really hope that you can experience some peace in the very near future.

I will say, though, that if you are ovulating, that is a great thing. Not to get too personal, but how is your cervical fluid? I had a problem with this when I was trying to get pregnant with my second child. I used pre-seed and it worked like magic. Maybe it is something that simple that is preventing you from getting pregnant.

If anything I have too much. I would quite like less :/ *twitches nose*

And I don't know if it is great really. If I'm ovulating, I've had 12 cycles with no pregnancy and that really isn't good :(

Me too. And the doctors seem to have no idea of what is going on. Do you take your basal temperature? I ask because sometimes I think I may not be ovulating but the docs say that if my temp rises is because I definitely am.

Merry. What a SHOCKA!!!!!!! As you know I have no medical background at all, and I actually don't know much about the fertility stuff you're talking about, but where I am from if a health employee uses a phrase like "Will you stop being clever" to a client then they can expect a big fat reprimand / disciplinary process. What on earth was that woman THINKING to say that stuff to you.

And I am sorry to hear about the rabbit. I have also had my grief and our surviving daughters' grief triggered this year by small furry pet issues (in our case guinea pigs). When there is grief and loss around the house anyway, parting ways with a pet is just salt in the wound, particularly for the kiddies.

I'll be thinking of you. XX

Merry,
I'm really sorry that some beast who felt small and can't do math had to beat up on you on a day already filled with hurt and loss.
You could have really used a person who was tender.
I am sorry about your family as you grieve the loss of your pet.
What a shit storm. Sorry it's so hard.

What a mean person. I think you were very self-restrained to stop at thoughtless and uncaring. I could add a few more to that list given half a chance.

I'm sorry about your old lady rabbit.

Merry,

*deep breath*

Wow. That's horrible. And I'm so mad at that reprehensible woman for you, and so sorry that you had to relive losing Freddie in such a way, and at such a moment.

Sounds to me like that woman not only badly mistreated you, but also wasted your time. I wouldn't trust her assessment much at all...is there any way you can get someone else to do a scan? Next month, maybe? It seems like it means so much to find out *for sure* if you're ovulating.

And I get just wanting to identify the problem. Sure, it's technically "good" if you are, in fact, ovulating...except that that would mean you're left with a mystery problem to solve, and the mystery might be scarier than a lack of ovulation. And it might not be something you can do anything about. It's the what-ifs that get me. The "let's just pretend it's really all fine, and that since you already have a child, thing's will work out for you....eventually!" Grrrrr.

(And maybe this isn't terribly close to how you're feeling, but....
I can't tell you how many idiots have told me I'm "lucky" I have no trouble getting pregnant when I want to look for a reason why I've miscarried 6 times out of 7. I was actually delighted at the prospect of maybe identifying a blood clotting disorder, because that would mean we had found a reason, and could try to fix the problem...happy that I was looking at a life-long health problem for myself that meant shots every day for the rest of my life? YES! Just to have an answer. To be able to try to get pregnant again without feeling like being conceived is the same thing as a death sentence for my babies.)

I want to understand. I want to be able to do something about it. And I'm hoping that that's what you get, and soon. And in the meantime, keep us posted so we know how to pray for you, okay?

Sending hugs. I don't know if this all makes sense, and maybe you feel differently about things...but if nothing else, know that I would just love to do two things right now:

1. Spend a few minutes alone with that %^&*$#@ to "explain" a few things to her. It wouldn't be pretty, but it wouldn't take long, either!

2. Play with your kids, so you can hear them laughing again, and feel like they're really going to be okay. I'd love to set you up on a porch swing with a glass of lemonade and play tag with your kids on the front lawn until it gets too dark to see. If I had a magic wand I'd conjure up a summer day and a trans-atlantic flight right now! But I'm afraid the best I can do is the mental picture and not the reality.

Merry, I know I'm late to the party here but I just wanted to say we had a similar incident with a pet rabbit that was attacked by our dog (whom I hate and belongs to my husband) -- the rabbit died in a basket at my feet gasping for breath in just the same way Henry died and it was very scarring and difficult for me to handle. I completely understand your emotion about the situation. And I also, I dont believe in karma anymore, but I do hope that horrible woman gets whats coming to her.