Just when I think I'm getting better about this pregnancy, my mind just throws me for a loop. It is a constant roller coaster of emotions. Grief and pregnancy. I'm 3 months away from the one year anniversary of losing Charlotte. And hopefully 4 months away from having this little boy. We've painted his room and put his crib together. His kicks are so comforting and reassuring. He truly makes me smile from the inside out. But I am constantly worried and counting weeks. I'm 21 now and we lost Charlotte at 26. So when I reach that point, it will all be foreign to me. Scared, anxious but getting a little happier.

I have to share something wonderful about a coworker. I send out the office emails for all announcements. Today I had to send one about a new baby. I am truly happy for these people and their third daughter. The mom has gone through weeks of contractions this time and each girl has come early. So I send out the email of congrats to let the office know. I get a response from a guy "I feel like hopeful congrats are in order for you too. I did not say anything before for fear of being mistaken..." I don't particularly care for this man, but I am truly amazed at his kind words. I thought they were just perfect. "hopeful congrats" What a wonderful thing to say! That made my Monday.

So how are all of you doing?? I know we're all stressed, watching the calendar, going for visits / checkups and tests. Sending you all my best!

Susan thanks for starting this week's thread. I too like "hopeful congrats." As for me, 9 weeks and hanging in there. I have not had much morning sickness and am feeling good physically. Mild nausea but no horrible all-day sickness, no debilitating fatigue, no awful bloating, no constant ligament pains and abdominal discomfort, no insomnia and no crazy mood swings or depression (other than the grief, of course, which is always there.)

I should probably just be thankful but it's worrying me that I feel so good this time. During the first trimester with Bea I was barely functioning. This time I've having no trouble at all keeping up with my regular activities, exercising, can eat normally, etc. For those who have been pregant multiple times, I know that "every pregnancy is different" but is it normal for them to be THAT different?

My OB wants me to do an early glucose test this week which I am a little nervous about, although there's no reason to think I won't pass. (the early test is just because of my age.) My blook work came back low in Vitamin D so I've been taking supplements and trying to get outside a little more. Otherwise this pregnancy has been extremely uneventful. I hope it stays that way.

My internet time will be severely curtailed for the next few weeks (as I study for an exam for work) so you may not hear from me, but I will be thinking of everyone. I hope you are all doing well, or at least as well as can be expected.

Susan - I like the 'hopeful congrats' too. Some people do surprise.
Jill - I'm glad you're feeling ok. I did an early glucose test this pregnancy and while it caused some stress, it's allowed me to get some health issues sorted out. Good luck.

AFM - I know I haven't posted much lately, but I do lurk.

I'm 27w tomorrow and this little dude appears to be head down / transverse mostly (YAY since his brother was a surprise breech) and moves all.the.time. It's like he's trying to reassure me that all is ok by keeping constant contact going. I don't mind.

I'm starting to feel big-ish. I'm measuring on track and everything is really really boringly normal. I'm working through my fears around emotion, partly by just recognizing that they're there. I'm watching all sorts of unmedicated birth videos to normalize the birth process, and the moment where the baby is lifted onto the mum's chest slays me every time. There's so much grief to deal with in such small spaces. Anyway - I'm so deeply afraid of that moment where a live baby is handed to me - I'm afraid all of my grief and love and emotion will pour out at once and I'll break.

(Part of me thinks that it's such a stupid thing to be afraid of, but it just is and I need accept it.)

Anyway - all is good. I'm up 10lbs and pleased. I'm looking forward to May and trying not to stress out about the fact that tomorrow is March, and Foster will be gone a year on the 21st, born a year on the 23rd. A year already.

Sending love

Hi All,
Susan I love the comment 'hopeful waiting' . That's something good to aim for, to be hopefully waiting, rather than chewing through the time like I am. I find it so comforting when people do hit the mark with their comments.

Jill S it sounds like you are having 'a good spell' in your pregnancy. I can't comment on variation in pregancies, but to me that sounds like you're having a standard / good first trimester rather than a shocking first trimester if you know what I mean. Good luck with the glucose test.

Sarah H I have the same fear about the moment I hold a healthy living newborn. I think I'm going to get pretty messy at that point, and I'm not sure there's much I can do to prevent that. I think it will be a moment of huge paradoxical joy and grief and I worry that I'll cry so hard I won't be able to breastfeed properly. Or that I'll have people trying to shove sedatives down my throat.....

AFM, I have had a shitty week. After having our birth plan sorted and our casear date set for week 35, a new paediatrician came on the case and kyboshed the birth plan. Then there had to be haggling between my Obst, this new paediatrician, the microbiologist who is managing our case, and the neonatologist who cared for Salome. This threw me emotionally. I was aiming for week 35. I thought we had a clear finish line. Then they moved the finish line!!!!!

In the middle of this I threw a birthday party for our 5 year old, which I made ridiculously labour intensive and stressful, so much so that had my Mum, Dad and brother not helped out for hours I would have been completely stuffed. It was a stupid thing for me to do when it is so hot and I am 30 weeks. But her 4th party last year happened 4 weeks after her sister was buried, and I wanted this to be a better one for her, for all of us, you know what I mean?

Then on Saturday night my husband and I spent money to have a night to ourselves at a hotel, partly for me to have a practice at being away from our surviving daughters overnight, seeing as I'll be having a hospital stay soon. And how did I spend the evening? Curled up on the bed feeling exhausted, then having a typical Sophia Phase One Emotional Meltdown, which involes me crying for hours and saying over and over 'I'm a really bad person. I'm crap at relationships. I don't support my friends and family the way I should" [add here sounds of wailing and nose blowing for HOURS]. How romantic.

Today things are looking up. I've been notified of the outcome of the specialist's haggling this morning: the casear has been put back to 37 weeks 3 days, with steroid support. I am comfortable with that result. I'm sure I'll go mad after week 34, but here from the sunny angle of week 30, it seems like a good result.

I also went back to NICU today for a bit of desensitisation and it went well. The social worker escorted me in, the NUM spent time with me talking to me about the NICU, and then we walked around the whole place (it's a 41 bed NICU). All those tiny little babies.... all those stressed Mummies and Daddies..... all those busy nursing staff.... And that particular NICU smell... But in a weird way that i can't explain it was deeply OK. I mean on another level it is and always will be totally shithouse, and excruciatingly shithouse for everyone who goes there with their child. I dunno how to explain it and I don't know what it means, but I had a strong sense that we won't be going back to NICU this time. It is probably wishfull thinking, but wherever it came from it calmed me.

So I am trying to hang in there until I turn a corner. I do still feel like I am a bad person, but I'm not dwelling on that as much as I was a few days ago. My main coping strategies: eating pascals clinkers, hanging out with our guinea pigs, hybernating inside from the heat and reading all your blogs so I know I'm not alone.

Here's a better week ahead, for all of us.

Oh Sophia (and all) -- the smell of the hospital L&D floor. I had FORGOTTEN about that, can you believe it? It makes me sick to my stomach just to think of it (could just be the nausea hanging in here at week 16 though, eh). Good for you for exposing yourself to it.

I just remembered that I should share with you ladies that a trauma therapy called EMDR has been extremely helpful to me in moving some of that really charged, emotional energy relating to the most difficult parts of my baby's stillbirth. Now that I am pregnant again I might go back for a few sessions.

Susan what I like about hopeful congrats is that other people are out there holding hope, enthusiasm, happiness -- all the things we need and sometimes can't find in ourselves. They are holding it for us. I am happy to let them so I can be a depressed maniac some days. When all you get is enthusiasm or chirpy positive thinking, you end up feeling like you need to defend constantly the world you know to be true. Ironically, people who can hold hopeful congrats let me feel happiness and sadness, too.

I cannot WAIT to feel this baby. I hope I get some flutters soon. Sending you all hope and heartbeats and sweet dreams of your beloved babies.

Lola, I've had EMDR in the last year too and I liked it. Here's hoping your nausea is gone by this time next week and you've had some big friendly flutters.

Susan - "hopeful congrats", how wonderful. It is so often that we are forced to deal with people that can get it so wrong, that when some gets it so right, it does make such a difference to our day. I hope your roller coaster has been gentle with you this week. Interestingly I'm also due to haev my little guy the month after the 1 year anniversary of my daughters birth/death. Not sure how I'm going to deal with all of that so close together. Thinking of you.

Jill - good luck with the exam. I've definitely heard of 2 pregnancies being very very different from the perspective of morning sickness and fatigue. Perhaps it's your body's way of giving you a well deserved break. May the coming weeks cruise by quickly and uneventfully.

Sarah - I can completly relate to your worry about your response when your rainbow baby is passed up to you. I dont' think anyone can prepare us for what that is going to be like. Or what emotions are going to come flooding out. I'm impressed that you've been able to watch birth videos - I might try that in a few weeks. I hope that you are able to remain as happy and positive for the remaining weeks ahead. I'll be thinking of you and Foster on the 21 and 23rd.

Sophia - I'm so pleased that you are at peace about your new plan and dates. Sounds like you have a good support team that will be looking after you properly and the both your and your baby's best interests at heart. Well, we've got to believe that right, or we would go nuts. Here's hoping the next 7 weeks fly by!

Lola - Hope the nausea passes soon and that you start feeling that beautiful reassuring movement. It's my absolute favourite thing right now - and makes me smile.

ASM - will be 24 weeks tomorrow and things are going ok. Had a great visit to the hospital to meet with my Obs and team. Lovely women, and very reassuring. I have a full scan booked for 3 weeks just to make sure all is well - cannot WAIT. I've had 2 very good girlfriends have babies in the past week. I was totally cool at first, congratulating them and getting excited for them. But by the time I got into bed that night, I collapsed in tears. Of course I'm happy for them, but wow, it really just highlights my loss so much for me. It hurts. 14 weeks till induction, 10 weeks left of work. Trying not to be too obsessed with the countdown :)

Thinking of everyone and our precious angel babies this week.