Nothing much to report from me this week - which is great, I guess. I'm 23 weeks this week, and having a "good week". Managing to feel a bit excited about this pregnancy, and even managed to happily accept a beautiful hamper of "boy-goodies" the ladies at my work surprised me with. I must say it is nice to have a few things in the nursery now that are bought especially for this little one. The thing is though, I keep thinking to myself, "well, if this little guy doesn't make it, then at least I have a few things to put in a special box to remember him". Sad how together with preparing for a new baby, I'm also preparing for not having this new baby.

How is everyone else this week?

Thanks for everyone's kind and personal replies to updates last week!
Cath -- my doctor last week recommended buying a few things for this baby, and I think I'm going to do that. It is so sad that we will hold off on the belief until the screaming baby, but I think it is an important form of self protection!

Last week I had my first (and hopefully only? ha!) unplanned trip to the doctor to hear the heartbeat. Since I cannot feel movement early here in trimester 2, I suddenly just had the feeling that maybe the baby was dead. The worst part was how apathetic I felt about a lot of it. But we are both alive and beating.

Apathy is the new takeover in my life. Relationships I used to be trying desperately to save, fix, or make understand my place in life -- I have lost interest. I just Don't Care. I am exhausted by it all.

Trying to figure out how to let the general people in life know about this baby, so I can attempt to moderate the responses as I was describing in my thread about needing help with how others respond to the rainbow baby. I liked the idea of announcing it with an honest description of the mixed feelings with hopes of avoiding excessively chirpy congratulation emails. But I also cannot fathom sending a mass email and so I have been relying on family and friends to relay the information which doesn't always work out so well.

Hi All,

Cath and Lola: I am very hesitant to buy anything for this baby too, or to even wash the things we had prepared for Salome 13 months ago. I am determined to get Salome's headstone sorted in the next 6 weeks, but I won't be ordering the final product until after this Little One is born: I keep wondering whether we will need to have 2 babies in that grave rather than one. It doesn't seem logical to assume this baby will live. Or maybe it just doesn't feel safe.

I'm at week 29, so 6 weeks to go. I am feeling much better this week, thanks for everyone's support. I had more tests done last week RE feeling so poorly, and it turns it is is not gestational diabetes (HURRAY!) but rather just a gastro bug, which has mostly passed now.

I started my desensitisation to the delivery suites yesterday. It went really well. I mean, not a fun way to spend a morning, but I am very glad I did it. I got as far as the nurses station in the delivery suites, and I got myself reasonably settled within 10 mins. I also had a look around the 'nursery' (level 2 NICU) at the private hospital and we talked a lot about what I can expect after Little One is born. It was good. I am aiming to do a return visit with my husband soon, and to do a separate visit to the public hospital NICU in the next few weeks.

Hope the week goes well for everyone.

Cath - Glad you're having a "good week". I know what you mean about creating memories "just in case". The sad reality we're now faced with... uncertainty.

Lola - Sorry to hear you had to run for a check but glad it showed all is well. I still haven't acknowledged this pregnancy with a lot of people. I just don't talk about it at work with many. I don't want to hear what they have to say. But it speaks for itself at this point.

Sophia - Glad your poor feelings were just a bug and not GD and glad it is over. Hope your visits continue to put you at ease. I know what you mean about the headstone. My Charlotte got a new neighbor at the cemetary. And I crazily thought "what if I need that space?".

AFM - 20 weeks today. Had my U/S and visit with maternal fetal medicine doctors over a week ago. We're expecting a boy this time, which hit me pretty hard. I really wanted a girl, so I could pass down Charlotte's things. Now I really have to pack them away. That visit stirred up a huge amount of grief for me. I'm not sure anyone understands why that is such a hard thing for me to deal with. It is an adjustment that will take my mind and body a while to get used to. I don't want this poor little guy to live in his sister's shadow. I do love him and love that he could be here with us. His kicks make me smile and warm my heart.
They also gave us a more detailed reason why we lost Charlotte. My doctors provided all this info too but they pinpointed it and blamed partial placental abruption. Also signs of infection but no way to tell if that started before or after we lost her. So they suggest weekly NST visits at 26 weeks, which is when we lost Charlotte. Twice weekly later on and then induce at 39 weeks if he doesn't come on his own. That's really scary. I assumed her loss was some rare occurence that wouldn't happen again. Now they say 10-15% chance it could. Also not looking forward to the worry each week.

Sorry for not updating last week. I don't really know why I didn't.

Cath I'm glad you're having a good week. I'm doing the same thing - preparing memories as well as for a living baby. It sucks but it's natural in the circumstances.

Lola it's really tricky trying to navigate everyone else's responses while dealing with being pregnant yourself.

I ended up putting a few scan pics on facebook so my sisters could see but not publishing them to my news feed. as information i put a very factual update with no 'we're so excited!!!' or anything like that - no exclamation marks at all, indeed - and let people see it gradually. We did get a lot of responses that were all 'how exciting, we're really pleased for you!' but because it was facebook that somehow felt ok - like we were hiding behind facebook and it meant that people got the excitement out of the way without us being round, and without them emailing us. Not something that would work for everyone, and I was quite surprised we did it that way, but it actually worked really well for us.

I still have friends I want to lose. I hate that - a couple of the people who have actually bothered to stay in touch I would rather hadn't - but I haven't got the heart to break any more friendships. I hardly have any left without throwing out people who have remembered that babyloss still sucks.

Sophia I'm glad the desensitising process is going as well as it can be. And I totally get that assuming our babies will be OK doesn't feel safe. It feels terribly risky and I hate it.

Glad you don't have GD either.

Susan it sounds like you've had a terribly hard week. I know you love your son already but I can understand wanting to pass on Charlotte's things. And how scary that they're talking about a 10-15% chance of recurrence. That's still a 85-90% chance of everything being ok - but a lot worse than a 99% chance, say. Thinking of you.

AFM... I had to go to the hospital tonight. The baby didn't move all day and by the time it got to 3pm I was so, so scared. Cold drinks, hot drinks, snacks - nothing worked to make him move. I called the hospital and they said to come in and they would listen. I waited till my husband had finished work and we went straight in. She picked up his heartbeat straight away. So reassuring. D hadn't heard it before either so it was good for him to be able to hear it. But I was so scared. I still cried on the way out, from the relief. I just need him to be OK.

On the brighter side we've booked for a 4D scan in three weeks. I went on about it so much D has put some money he had put aside for other things to it. I've been in two minds whether to accept, but I think we're really going to go for it - partly because I hope it will help me bond and help me stop holding back, because I really do love this baby even though I try and tell myself that I can hold back from it... but also partly because then if something goes wrong and this baby doesn't live, at least we have something more to remember him by.

I haven't told D that part. I don't think it'd help him want to do it.

Anyway. Other than that I guess I'm fine. Been quite calm. Concerned rather than worried, which feels like progress.

Let's just hope that he doesn't refuse to move again tomorrow, eh?

I'm nervous to even write here but apparently this is where I belong according to the HPTs. Just 5 weeks. Part of me imagines me holding a beautiful newborn, (alive, moving, breathing), the other foresees such tragedy that this already broken heart could not recover from.

Welcome ak. Sending sticky vibes xxx

Fantastic to see you here, ak. Sticky vibes.

Thanks B & Sophia. Its going to be a tough ride, whatever happens. I'm hopeful today and thats about a far as I can go.

The way I see it even hopeful is amazing. I hope you can hold onto that hopeful feeling x