I don't have anything to report, but wanted to start a new thread for a bright new shiny week.

Today is day 23 of this cycle. My last few have been 25-26 days (up from my old normal of 21-22 days). Oh I guess technically last month was more like 32-33 days, but that's because I took progesterone supplements for a week at the end there. So, anyway, I'm just hanging out. After so many months of negative tests, I don't think it'll be too hard to resist testing early this time (ha ha, although I've said that before). My plan is to hold out until Friday.

Last night I found out that one of my good friends just had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. I knew she was trying, but she hadn't told me about the pregnancy (out of her own caution or because of my situation, I'm not sure). I'm so sad for her. And (guiltily) feeling grateful that my long wait hasn't included any more losses, at least. I know that would have been harder on me than this long stretch of no success. Also feeling guilty because I had such a hard and sad January....and I know that if she had told me about her pregnancy, I would've struggled with it and shed tears and felt like it was unfair. But now she has to start over, and in some ways her situation is more challenging than mine (she just turned 40, and they tried for 6 months before this pregnancy). Anyway, this is long-winded, but I'm just sad for her, and for me, and for all of us I guess. I hope we're all successful, and soon.

Much love and luck to everyone.

M. Thinking of you.

Today, I am just no longer strong enough. CD25, testing negative, no idea when I ovulated, if I did. I've lost all hope and I've sobbed all morning and since I got home. My children are frightened and my 8 year old came to apologise to me for showing me her diary about wanting to have Freddie for just one day. She thought it was her fault I was sad.

I am just not strong enough. Freddie was the end of 4 years of baby sadness. I simply cannot do this again. I can't make it through any more ttc. I have no idea where to get any more strength.

Merry,

Holding on to you with prayers and hugs sent "Angel Air" as my sister and I used to say.

Aunt flow came on Sunday. This is the end for me. No more TTC. I am at peace. I am still praying for you all, and will keep up with your posts.

Merry, hugs to you. Deep breaths. Sending you power, strength and love.

I'm so sorry Cheryl, but I'm glad you can be at peace with this path you've ended up on. If you need support, we're all here.

Merry I wish things weren't so dark for you. Thinking of you and hoping you can find your way through.

Hugs to you all xx

Cheryl, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're feeling at peace, but I'm just so sorry. As B said, please lean on us for support as needed.

Merry, I'm sorry it's hard over there. Is today any better than yesterday? I really hope so.

Not so great over here, either, I'm afraid. CD24 and I have no tests in the house and no plans to take one until Friday, should I get there. But I really sincerely doubt I'll get there. My body is very clearly giving me all possible signs that my period will be here momentarily. I'm trying to ignore these signs but they're pretty clear-cut -- much more clear-cut than any "pregnancy symptoms" I've experienced over the last 9 cycles. I'm alternating between feeling really weepy and feeling okay (which I guess is a huge improvement over the straight up distraught weeping of the last few unsuccessful cycles? I'm sort of being sarcastic, but it's also true).

....

I had this window open without posting for fifteen minutes, and, as expected, I started my period. :(

Thanks for the kind thoughts. Things are a little better I guess, in some ways. Monday was so impossibly low that my dh didn't dare to leave me in the house until I was bundled into the arms of a couple of friends. I don't know why, I wasn't going to do anything stupid, I just could not stop crying.

Period not here yet but I've stopped the progesterone, so it will be soon.

Sorry, pressed send too soon...

M and Cheryl, I am so sorry. Wish this was not the path we are on. Hugs to you both.

Merry, Cheryl - my heart is breaking for you two. Lots of love from me.

Cheryl, I am sorry that you didn't get the outcome you were hoping for. I hope that the peace you have found is lasting.

M, even when you "know"it's going to happen, the arrival of AF is still a disappointment. (at the very least) I hope the straight up weeping doesn't arrive this time.

Merry, I'm glad you are feeling more positive (or should it be less pessimistic?). I hope you can get some answers during your "month off".

AFM. it's CD14 and I finally got a +ve OPK (I decided I would use the last of them because my temps have been bizarre this cycle). I just want to get the "trying" portion of this cycle over with and fast forward to 2 weeks from now.

Miserable day yesterday after (a-bloody-gain!) I went back to yesterdays test and there was a faint, this time straight, line. An evaporation line but in the right place and definitely a line in a way that no other test has had. Ever.

This morning though I don't think there is one, even though I can still see it on yesterdays test. I could half convince myself of a shadow but I don't think so. Burgh.

Cheryl - Life can be so unfair. I am sorry, but glad you are in peace.

Merry - Wait a few more days and test again. I think you cannot read test results after some hours.

I just got the results of my last hormonal screening. I did on the day before ovulation which would give me high LH due to the pre-ovulation surge. Guess what? It was 7.7, while it is expected to be 20-70. My estradiol was super high (480), while is should be 34-400. I hope the doctors believe me now when I say I think I have hormonal problem. High estradiol would also explain my anxiety and lack of patience. On Friday I am doing another day 3 screening and scheduling a hysterosalpingography. Sometimes I cry out of strength to go through all this after a stillbirth. I am also very mad at the doctors. I have been telling them there is something wrong with my hormones for about a year and half! So many tears and suicidal thoughts would have been saved if they had listened to me. argh!

Very frustrating, Francisca! But I'm glad you finally got them to do some testing so at least you can put together a plan. I have a feeling my hormones are out of whack too (night sweats?) but the testing I had a few months ago showed everything to be in fine shape, so I'm going to try to believe that.

Merry, I hope that line was a line and that your time has come.

Merry, I don't want to instill false hopes because damnit if that doesn't make me really angry when it feels like that's what people are doing with me, but I do want to say that with the first tests I took with this pregnancy, the line appeared late, and was almost imaginary. the next day, same thing, except possibly even MORE imaginary. I decided they were negative, went off the progesterone, and stopped testing. five days later, when my period hadn't showed, I got my positives. were you using the pink line early response fancy tests?

Really hoping this is the beginning of a positive for you, Merry.

Sending love and good thoughts to all.

I'm using cheapy 10microwotsit ones. I haven't got my period yet and today also has a tiny weeny faint line, but I don't think it is real and I'm assuming my period will show. By CD29, i really think I'd expect a positive. The only faint query was the brief moment ff thought I might not have ovulated till CD17. Even then, I think it isn't real. I don't feel pregnant.

Merry, I am hoping and praying for you. May the lines get brighter and the period stay away. May your womb cradle that new life within you. May it grow healthy and strong. May you smile. Sending you love!

Merry - A faint line is still a line. In my pregnancy I got a very faint line on CD32. I have my fingers crossed for you.

Sounds like a positive to me, Merry! Good luck!

Oh bless you, thank you. I don't have any hope or conviction at all. I think it is an anomaly. Period, given I gave up on progesterone 2 days ago, would be due tomorrow so I guess it it doesn't come I might wonder more. At the moment it is a head fuck without hope.

Sending love to all. Not here so much as trying very hard not to think in general at all. Thinking, nonetheless, of all of you.

Merry you sound exactly like I did two and a half weeks ago. I even stopped my progesterone too. Hoping with so much that this is it for you.

Dunno. Period not here. Line still a tiny faint thing of nothing. No darker in 4 days. Day 30 now. I think I've probably had a near miss, which I suppose is encouraging in a way. But with these tests I ought to be getting a proper line by now so I think perhaps it started and then gave up.

Period started this evening. Crushed, really.

Oh Merry, I'm so sorry. I was really, really, really hoping this was your BFP. Lots of love to you.

Merry I've got no words. How heartbreaking. Thinking of you with no idea what to say that comes even close to responding to your situation.

Cheryl, also thinking of you and wondering where you get the spiritual hugeness to be at peace with that. I wsh I had that and I am in awe of people who have that sort of capacity. Wishing you continued peace.

I'm so sorry, Merry. I really thought you were out of here. :(

Sending you much love and hoping you find some peace over this enforced break. It's not quite the same, and I'm not looking at the same timeline, but my husband is traveling this month and so I went through the same grieving-for-several-cycles when my period started this time. As I've been saying here, I'm really trying to take the long view and find some peace in this process I can't control. My plan is to lose weight (still at least 20 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight), and get gum surgery. Not exactly glamorous, but beneficial in the long run. Anyway, blah blah blah, I'm just so very sorry.

Ah, Merry. I've been on that line?/not line?/late period/oh there it is rollercoaster and I am so, so sorry, dear one.

Thanks for all the love. I may, or may not, be around much this month. I am going to try and focus on anything but the fact I am not ttc. Good luck all.