People in my world who are not among those we told first, some for these exact reasons, are now finding out. It is these responses I have been dreading. I do not know how to handle them, and I cannot educate everyone. Here are some examples:

We are so excited for you.

I am SURE nothing will go wrong with this baby! (grrr)

Let's talk about baby names!

We are so happy for you.

I understand that others need something to root for, especially after this awful time, but I have such a difficult time accepting these types of comments. I feel I can't unless I temper them with words like "bittersweet", "courage", and defense of my first child, with whom NOTHING was wrong...nothing, unless you consider the totally shitty world we live in that decided to strike her down with lightning for no reason at all.

My husband jokes that I am the most unhappy pregnant person to ever walk into a baby store (where we just picked up a body pillow) and it's because of these conversations I DREAD. And they are from people I know, not even the forthcoming "is this your first" etc.

Thoughts or help?

Oh God D's sister said to me (thankfully on a text message) that she was SURE everything would be OK this time. And it scared me. Scared the life out of me actually. How can she be so 'sure'???? I know people who have had loss after loss and no living children. What makes me so lucky that she can be sure?

I've no idea how to handle this. I just wanted to say I can relate.
xx

Hi Lola, This sort of stuff really made me flinch early on in this pregnancy and to be honest I find it even harder to take now that birth is approaching. I know our situations are a bit different, but for what it's worth here is some of the ways I have responded to this stuff:

"We are so excited for you"
"That's nice, but as you can imagine we are not so much excited as terrified / nervous / on edge. Because of what we have been through, this pregnancy is bound to be a very different experience for us than the last one / other pregnancies."

'Let's talk about baby names."
"No, my husband and I will not even be discussing baby names until after the baby is born. There will be plenty of time for that then."

"I am SURE nothing will go wrong with this pregnancy"
"We've learnt from our experiences that no-one can ever be 100% sure that nothing will go wrong with any particular pregnancy. The sad fact is, pregnancy just isn't like that. We've got great medical support and our odds are good, and that's as good as it can get."

"We are so happy for you"
"That's nice / thank you. I am grateful to be pregnant but I don't feel happy. Our daughter is still dead and happy isn't really on the agenda much at the moment."

Like you I had some phrases that I used again and again in these conversations, in various configurations, including "bittersweet", "we are doing our best", 'That's just how it is", 'I'm not alone in feeling this way", "this will be a very long pregnancy for us", "the pregnancy doesn't stop the grief" etc.

And other times, many times, whenever it suited me, I would mumble something and walk away from the conversation. Because sometimes, on some days, the conversation was just too painful. Here's a post I wrote about how hard I found it:
http://coopernathanandhope.blogspot.com/2010/11/sunday-14th-nov-random-throughts.html

Good luck Lola. I'd love to hear how it goes for you and what replys you come up with for people who hit you with this clumsy stuff.

I think Sophia has some excellent responses for you. I was never very good at engaging with people (especially strangers) about my true emotions so I often just nodded and changed the subject. People would usually figure out that I didn't want to talk about it. I was usually pretty blunt about the "is this your first" (and still am) - that usually ends the conversation pretty quickly. I reserved my true feelings (fear, anxiety, etc) for a few good friends and my father.

I understand how you feel though, it's tough. Pregnancy after loss is a long ride. Sending you much love.

My situation was somewhat different as my rainbow baby was already conceived as when we lost our her twin at nearly 25 weeks. People surely didn't know how to find hope for us with the upcoming birth of our daughter while consoling us over the death of our son...we found we had to guide people along our up and down path. Maybe you could send out a FB message or an email something like this...


...."Thank you so much for your happiness and well-wishes for me/us. We are happy as well. But we are also a mix of tons of other emotions: terrified, scared, angry, sad, hopeless, jealous of others who walk a pregnancy without knowing what it's like to lose a child, worried that letting ourselves love this new baby will make it hurt all the worse if we should lose this one too, terrified that we might bertray our precious lost little one with the coming of this new one. Right now, we are just taking things one second at a time. We do not plan to walk the normal path of pregnancy...maybe as we get more comfortable... maybe not. It is just too painful of a reminder for us right now.

What we need from everyone is...(fill in the blank!)

I hope this helps!

Eve

These are very helpful. This is a long road. I find myself with such mixed feelings about this baby myself and I know it is out of protection for my first. I need to make some space for this one.

I'm 15 weeks and so far we have refrained from telling our parents because we have been nervous about this very issue. Well, we told them this weekend and got the responses that we were not looking forward to getting.
Funny, most people would love to bask in the glow of questions like, "What color should I start knitting the blanket?" or "What is the baby's room going to look like?" or "Do you think it is a girl or a boy?" Us? Well, me, really- hated, hated, hated those questions. Right away I tried to explain that the way we had been functioning the last couple of months was by not making this pregnancy the focal point of our life. We did this by keeping it to ourselves as much as possible. But...they did not really understand and for the rest of the weekend the questions continued.
So, this morning I had to just outright say that I did not want to talk about it and that I had no answers to those questions because I was not thinking that far ahead into the future. That seemed to do the trick. For now at least.
I think most people fail to see how dramatically losing a child during a pregnancy or during birth changes a person. Not just in the obvious ways but the more subtle ways as well. I think the best way is to just be direct when necessary. At least, that is what my plan is.

What I find annoying about my direct approach is that I then feel guilty for being a "downer." Like I should really be protecting other people from my mixed feelings, or that I'm contaminating their joy with my reality? Ugh!

sod that. you have to *live* your reality. other people can cope with you putting a dampener on it.
xx

Brianna, sorry to hear that you didn't get the response you wanted. I feel the same way, very guarded and controlling this time. Especially who finds out when and how much we talk about it. My growing belly should explain itself and I choose not to talk about it with certain people.
My mother-in-law is pretty clueless. We found out we're having a boy this time and immediately she starts asking about names. We've only known for two weeks and this past weekend she asked again. I told her "please don't ask me that every time you see me". We might have the name picked out already but I might keep it quiet out of spite. I don't get the same joy and excitement over these things any more. I'm worried all the time and they don't get it. She doesn't ask how things are going or how I'm doing. She just gushes over "the little boy".

Thanks Susan. Sorry your MIL is giving you problems. As if there wasn't enough to worry about, right?

In regards to being direct I've been finding it much easier to be so with family and friends than with strangers. Strangers (and acquaintances) have little to no idea of what happened in the past and so I don't feel badly in gently telling them the truth. It seems to work just fine. It is with family members and friends that I feel guilty because it seems like I am stealing their joy.

But, I've been a people-pleaser my entire life and it has certainly taken a toll on me over time. I'm learning that explaining my needs to people should not be such a traumatic experience. It is ok to take care of myself before taking care of other people right now.