Hi All,

It's now just over 1 year since our daughter Salome died, and less than 8 weeks until I am due to give birth to our Phoenix / Rainbow Baby. Because of the health concerns from Salome's birth and death, this Bub will be born by c/s at 35 weeks. This will be my first c/s after 3 vaginal deliveries, so I am not too worried about anxiety / trauma triggers in the actual birth experience because I'm anticipating the birth experience will be very different to any experience previously. However, I am planning to do some desentisation work on myself in two specific areas:

1) The birthing suites: All going to plan, I won't need to go to the birthing suites again, as I'll be taken into the opperating theatre 'the back way'. But I am feeling nervy already with 8 weeks to go, and if I need to go in to hospital for a bit of monitoring any time before the birth I'll end up in the birthing suites. Whatever is going on for me at that point, I don't imagine it would be helped by a big hit of adrenelin. I am therefore hoping to do some gentle gradual planned visits to the birthing suites in the next 6 weeks to get a bit desensitised to the enviroment.

2) NICU: As above, all going to plan we won't need to go back to the Level 1 NICU that Salome lived and died in. However, with a 35 week Bub with health concerns who will be given lots of prophylactic antibiotics etc it wouldn't be a huge suprise if we ended up having to go back to that NICU again (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET IT BE A DIFFERENT OUTCOME THIS TIME). Last time I visited NICU was for a discussion of the autopsy results, and I didn't do well being in that environment. If we have to go back with this Bub I need to be able to kind of function a little bit. My Obst tells me there aren't many sedatives I can take that wouldn't cross into breastmilk. So again, I'm planning a bit of desensitisation work on myself for that NICU, with gradual planned visits over a 6 week period. I've got the hospital social worker negotiating with the NICU team about how I can do that without getting underfoot.

Has anyone else done this kind of desensitisation work around birthing triggers, leading up to a delivery after the death of your baby? Got any hints for me? I'm a psychologist myself and I will supported by my counsellor through this process, but any / all advice and comments would be appreciated.

Thanks.

I am a nurse and am not sure that I agree with the suggestion that there are no sedatives that wouldn't cross into the breastmilk. I would suggest that you look into this further. I have always found that Dr. Jack Newman is a good resourse, a breastfeeding guru in Canada. He does have a website and I believe that you can pose question to him and his team via email.

I hope that you are able to get into the NICU and birthing unit. I think this sounds like a resonable thing to do prior to the c/s date. Please take time to be kind to yourself.
Best wishes and prayer to you and your family as you continue this journey.

We had some sessions with the bereavement midwife while I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. Just going back to the hospital was hard the first time. Going there multiple times did help. We also walked through the c/section procedure - down to theature where I'd go on the day. She offered to take us back to the NICU but as we were planning on a full-term birth we didn't go. Having said that, had we ended up there I most likely wouldn't have coped.

No real hints except I think it's a good idea to go everywhere you're likely to need to before you actually need too - exactly what you're planning. I just kept breathing and tried to remember this is a different pregnancy but it was hard. Huge hugs and wishing this wasn't something you had to do.

Maddie x

Preparing for Freddie's birth after 4 difficult births (his was easy) I used a hypnotherapy cd (there are ones for preparing for c/s) and talked to a doula a lot.

I'm not that sort of person at all, but it was very good for me.

I did a lot of things to try to help with the anxiety of delivering in the same hospital as I was concerned that I would freak out and not be able to get through it all. Here are a few things that I did that helped:

I met with the nursing staff and had them make sure that all of my paperwork was done in advance so I wouldn't have to be distracted by giving medical information and could just focus on the task at hand. I told them to flag my file so that everyone coming into the room would know why I was perhaps not acting like a 'normal" patient.
I made sure that they would not assign me the same room that I was in before.
I brought some things from home to make the room feel less institutional. I brought my most cheerful quilt and pictures of my animals and friends to hang near me.
In case I started to freak out I made a list of things that helped relax me and whenever I would feel the panic rising I would go through the list. It sounds crazy but the one that really helped me in the hospital was aromatherapy. The smell of the hospital really stressed me out. I would have my husband wet a washcloth I brought with warm water and I would put orange oil on it and smell it. I also brought nice smelling lotion and had my husband rub my feet with it.

Regarding desensitization, I tried going there before hand but I think that for me it didn't help to make it easier. It still was a place of death for me. I think the key for me was to really try to transform the space as quickly as possible to make it seem as unfamiliar as possible so that the memories wouldn't be triggered. You can't stop the memories obviously but the small things do really help. Going to your room by another route it a great idea. I wish I would have thought of that one.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get through it with as little stress as possible. I will be thinking of you.