Hope everyone is generally warm, dry and safe. What a week all over the world!

For me, I'm feeling out in the weeds. Husband has agreed we can tentatively ttc, but my cycles are so screwed up right now. I thought I was getting a real period for the first time in ages, but it's been very abnormal, if so. Not following the normal pattern of a period - three days of red spotting and then 3 days of light bleeding/red spotting (but more like a period than mid-cycle spotting is, which makes sense to me and probably no one else). I'm pretty convinced my hormones are out of whack and just kind of hoping things get worked out naturally, but not yet ready to see a doc if not. This summer probably, if things aren't back to normal, when more of the debt is gone for good.

Otherwise, generally ok, hope the same is true of you.

CD 2 for me. I will be starting BCP's tomorow or the next day. Depends on when they come. We are staring the process of IVF if anyone is wondering why I would be on BCP's and TTC at the same time. No other plans yet just waiting and taking pills until I get a caledar which will tell me more. Hope all is good with everyone.

"out in the weeds" sums it up nicely! We're doing our first cycle of IVF (after losing our donor insem daughter at 34w in dec09), and just had an embryo transfer yesterday. I'm back at work today, and completely unable to focus. This tiny little speck of an embryo may be floating around and I'll have no idea what is happening for another 13 days...

Kara - yes, isn't it bizarre that the first IVF meds they put you on is the pill! Hope it goes really well for you. For me it has been far less scary than I anticipated.

Eliza - good luck.

I haven't posted here for a while. Moving, problems at work, feeling miserable, insomnia, needing some time off the whole dead baby/infertility drama. I am in my 15th TTC cycle. Unbelievable, heartbreaking. But I can't really call it a TTC cycle, because I can't TTC right now. My last pap smear came back with a low grade lesion and I am on hold until this clears up. I had started acupuncture and Chinese herbs treatment for fertility and was actually seeing some changes in my cycles. I had to stop it too. So now I am just making my best to stay calm and bring my stress level down. I think I won the lottery, but only the inverse lottery. Who can get uterine abnormality, stillbirth (undetermined cause), secondary infertility, and a bad pap smear result when infertility treatment begins? Me, only me! Please, cross your fingers so that this stupid lesion goes away. I am trying really hard to stay positive and relaxed about the whole thing. Meanwhile I am starting with the basic infertility screening. Tomorrow I will go for some blood work and on Thursday we will know my husband's sperm results. Next step will be the hysterosalpingogram.

eliza- Thanks for making this TTC thread. Have you thought about taking Chinese herbs? I have been to several doctors. Too many maybe. My conclusion is that they have no idea why my cycles are irregular and I spot all over the cycle. There isn't much they can do besides clomid, AI, and IVF. I thought about giving it try since I have been able to easily conceive before and probably just need a little help to improve my hormonal balance.

Kara - I didn't know about BCP and IVF. Good luck.

Hanen - Good luck to you too!

Good luck to everyone. Hanen let me know how good/horrible the 2WW is. Are you going to do a HPT? I hope we all move to the prego thread soon.

Francisca - that is really rotten luck. Hoping the lesion is healing and that you can get underway soon. We had lots of hold ups before starting ttc again and I was surprised at how upset I got with each roadblock. And hope you get some good sperm results! Thanks for your lovely wishes for us.

Kara - thanks. It is far too early at the moment, but if I haven't had a bleed, I probably will try a HPT. We've got friends staying from interstate the weekend before my bloodtest, so I'd love some early news either way. Good luck for you too - hope the injections go alright - I found they weren't nearly as bad as I'd thought. i just did them slowly.

Hi there,
Francisca, that really is a run of bad luck putting it mildly, my fingers and toes are crossed for you

I'm in the 2ww, cd24, will be testing on Monday, if my intuition is right it hasn't happened this month, my ob told me to come back to him if no luck trying after 3 or 4 months, this is the 3rd month so I think I'll be making an appointment - my goal for a take home baby in 2011 is closing in and making me feel exasperated

good luck ladies x

Francisca - I've not done Chinese herbs, though I've done vitex with some success in the past, and did soy isoflavones last year. I am sort of wondering if those didn't screw me up. I've been all over the place since July, but it's hard to know how much is something off and worrisome and how much is just stress. Because July is when all the changes started at work and there was a point in the fall that I was near a nervous breakdown. I had one normal-ish cycle in the fall (earlier than usual ovulation and temps slightly lower than usual, but clear ovulation) and nothing definite since then.

I'm fairly sure I ovulated in January, weakly. This has been a period - different than spotting, but not like a normal period for me. Nothing that makes me concerned - it's lighter and longer than usual, but within normal parameters. I'd be more concerned about the other side. After months of screwy cycles, mostly attributable to stress I think, I can see things taking a bit of time to get back. If things aren't more normal within another 1-2 cycles, I'll call the doc and explore the options.

And really, I need to be exercising more. To help with everything, but losing weight will probably have the biggest increase in normal. I've lost some, but to lose any real amount I need to exercise. . .

I avoided the ttc section last month after my miscarriage and want to be trying this month but my obgyn and husband think we should wait another month. I could just stomp and scream for the lost opportunity. I feel like my chances of having another child are few and numbered, every month that passes, every month I get older, another chance dies.

I am thinking of all of you.

Well, I have seen my gynae - had a repeat fsh/lh done and a follicle scan booked for next cycle to see if I am actually ovulating. Then I am in to my March 'don't try' cycle anyway. April will be a year since Freddie's birth so in May we are 1 year of trying. I'm going back in May, with all the information we need already done and I'll start Clomid at that point.

Hanen and everyone else in the 2ww, all the best for this cycle.

Francisca, I hope that the lesion goes away quickly so you can get back to trying (and I hate the we have to hope for you to be able to "try" instead of at least hoping for you to get your BFP.)

I am on CD2. I got the BFN back on Sunday but my body messed with my head by spotting for 3 days before AF started (and I NEVER have spotting so it really confused me.) I am now 2/3rds of the way to being "secondarily infertile", woo hoo. I had the basic blood tests done on this last cycle but can't get into to see the gyn for the results until the beginning of March which will be likely make it too late to get any other tests done (HSG and the like) until after we get past Reid's 1 year anniversary in April. I never let myself imagine that it could take this long to get pregnant. I hate having to go through cycle after cycle of failure but I still really want the chance to raise another child and to give my living child a sibling she can actually play with, not just talk about, so I guess for now we'll keep trying.

Cara, are you a lot younger than me? (I'm just 37) - I'm amazed by how long our bodies are taking to fix. It is just so crappy :(

Hello, all. I'm so sorry about the BFNs and the delays.

I've been making a very concerted effort to take the long view in terms of another pregnancy, as the constant roller coaster was really breaking my spirit. So far, it's hard to tell how much is faking it until I make it, and how much is real, but I do feel better. I've definitely been grieving the fact that my son won't have a sibling close in age (best case scenario would be ~ 4+ years), and just trying to take it day by day (without a laser focus on the cycle date). We're going to get chickens, I signed up to run a 5k next month, trying to figure out how to get my family to the beach for some sun.

So I have no news to report, other than a lightened heart, but I wanted to say hello and wish everyone luck. This shouldn't be hard, for any of us, and if I was the ruler of the world, things would be so different. xoxox

Hi All,

I was reading along while on my trip in Maui but found it impossible to reply using my phone and had no other internet access for two weeks (kind of a nice break, I admit!)

M - a lightened heart is beautiful news to report. I found your message completely inspiring and I want to hold on to much of it for myself as well.

Bear with me as I try to explain my 2ww:

This month's rollercoaster of ttc has been beyond bad. I got my positive opk two days before we left for Maui, on CD14. Then again positive the day before we left. CD 15. Didn't test the day we left, or the day after we arrived, but two days after arrival (CD 18), I was STILL testing positive on the OPK. Have NO idea when I ovulated as I wasn't temping because I knew with the difference in climate from Northern California to Maui my temp would be all screwy anyhow. Made a decent effort to procreate amidst all the positive opks...I had negative OPKs in the afternoons and positive OPKs in the mornings on CD 18 and 19 (I think) and finally just decided to STOP testing after CD 19's afternoon negative.

My doc prescribed progesterone for this cycle - she said to start after a positive HPT but based on advice from you sage women I decided I should start it 4 dpo. Of course I have no idea when 4 dpo actually was. So I hazarded a guess, I think it was around CD 20 that I started the progesterone supps. (After positive OPKs on CD 14, 15, 18 and a questionable one on CD 19)

Took my first HPT on CD 25, I think. Negative, it seemed. Oh, wait, maybe not. Shit. Inconclusive? Too early to test? I had a very faint line appear but it was after the time limit. But as the day went on, I was CONVINCED it was positive. CONVINCED. I even got my husband to believe it was positive. I knew I'd have to test again to be sure, it was SO early, but I had high hopes even though the faint line had appeared after the ten minutes.

Took another HPT on CD 26. Just like the first one, also negative, it seemed. But then again, that very faint positive, but this time it really looked just to be the indent line where the second line "should" appear but didn't. It didn't look like the "evaporation lines" I've seen. It looked like a line, but it was a total squinter and barely any pink to it at all. Hubby was the voice of reason: it was after the time limit, barely visible, and no real color to it. Negative.

I drove myself crazy, took apart the tests, held them up to lights, tried to research to figure it out. But pretty much convinced myself they were negative.

I spotted on CD 25 and 26...figured it was AF showing up. But I was taking the progesterone, so that would hold it off, I figured.

Emotionally, I had all the PMS symptoms (and beyond - my doctor suspects I have PMDD - premenstrual dysphoric disorder - like a bad depression but only just before my period), compounded of course by the BFNs....I was a wreck, sobbing, crying, a disaster. We assumed my period was just around the corner. I took the progesterone two more nights but it seemed to be making it all worse, not to mention staving off the inevitable AF it seemed...

I stopped the progesterone on CD 27. Peed on an opk because I didn't have an hpt to test with but had used an opk when I was pregnant with Otis and it showed positive so I figured it would work well enough, and it was stark white, so I was confident enough that I was not pregnant.

It's now CD 31. I've been off the progesterone for three nights now. I've cramped and had low backaches for several days just like AF is about to show. But no AF. Have peed on OPKs because they're all I have and I don't want to be a fool and buy another pregnancy test just for it to be negative. (I realize for those of you who have never heard of the OPK as pregnancy test phenomenon I must sound crazy but I really think it works so I'm really pretty confident I'm not pregnant.)

I have no pregnancy symptoms except nausea and fatigue, had that all the while on progesterone too. I am convinced AF is going to show every time I go to the loo but so far no sign of her at all since that spotting episode back on CD 26/27.

I know I should probably go buy an actual pregnancy test but I seem to find the bfns so extraordinarily depressing even when I am expecting them so I am trying to avoid an additional meltdown today (it's the five month mark of Otis's birth today.) Plus those things are damn expensive. Not to mention that I don't feel I can afford to be even hopeful enough to buy a test.

I just wish AF would start already so I could be back at CD1. I'm going to do an entirely unmedicated cycle (meaning no progesterone, though I will do b vitamins and the other vitamin stuff I normally do) this next month, it messes with my mind too much to be throwing hormones into the mix right now. I have no idea if my luteal phase would have evened itself out or not this cycle if I hadn't been taking the progesterone - wish I had been patient enough to see for myself.

So, as I said, M - I found your message VERY inspiring - I clearly need to turn my mind to projects and dreams OTHER than procreating right now. Not that we won't still try, but certainly not with this kind of craziness - I can't sustain it. My husband is so confident that getting pregnant again is not going to be difficult, that I could benefit from a little patience right now...and I would like to agree with him.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

Love to all of you...hoping for peace and calm for all of us, and of course still crossing fingers for imminent BFPs too....

Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry. The ups and downs are so fucking hard.

We're in very similar spots -- I was also taking progesterone supplements last month. 8dpo for me, because my levels tested low, and when they suggested taking them next month I said "Why not this month!!" I tried to ignore "pregnancy symptoms" as much as I could, attributing it to the progesterone, but still. It fucked with me. It took me three days after I stopped taking it to start my period.

Those few weeks (mostly leading up to the period) were really bad, and we scheduled an emergency appointment with our grief counselor, who we hadn't seen since the summer. I felt better by the time we saw her, as I'd already worked some of it out in my own head, but my husband definitely didn't want to cancel it--he's been really worried about me.

I told her that I've been handling this ttc struggle with much less grace than I've handled the death of my daughter, and she reminded me that I am but a human woman.

This month, I've been trying with all my might to focus on all the beautiful things in my life.Every time the little voice in my head tries to pinpoint cycle date/check potential due dates/think of the magical significance of this, that or the other that's going to mean it's finally going to work this month/or I otherwise obsess, I just think, "Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go." The Ask Sugar columnist recently said "Your book has a birthday. You just don't know what it is yet." This was meaningful to me as a writer, but it also helped me put this pregnancy business in perspective. I need to believe that another baby will happen for me. That baby will have a birthday, but I don't know what it is yet. Let go, let go, let go.

I am still taking vitamins and I'm also doing acupuncture. And you know, trying to have sex somewhere around the time that I might be ovulating. But really trying to take the long view -- maybe it will still be a few months before my cycle straightens out. 8 months feels like a fucking eternity, but in the grand scheme of things, it's still pretty recently post-partum. I make no promises that this good feeling will continue, but I am really trying.

Love and luck and peace to all. xoxo

Well, color me stupid.

Just took an actual pregnancy test this evening, and it is clearly positive. Within the time frame, no squinting necessary. Even my husband believes it.

Have emailed my doctor to hopefully get in for blood confirmation on monday and will be starting back on the progesterone supps tonight I guess.

Yes, have the full blend of mixed emotions, fear, trepidation, hope, excitement, sadness, happiness.

And I realize this is difficult news to hear, as I was just last week gutted by a friend's recent bfp, so I am sending extra love to everyone tonight.

PS - M, I am going to hold on to your words, "Let go, let go, let go" and do my best to repeat them often tonight....you are a wise mama, thank you.

11dpo and a BFP, wow, I'm lost for words, mostly excited but also terrified

Delighted to be sharing this journey with you sarah n, congrats

When I used to read these posts I never imagined I would be in a position to share this news myself but here I am. If conception could happen as a result of the goodwill on here then we'd have no worries, sending truck loads of positive vibes to everyone here.

Some times I just cannot stop the beat. What is wrong with my body? What is wrong with my body?

It is driving me mad that this used to be easy, was too easy when I desperately needed it not to be. And now it won't work. Everyone else's body works and mine just does not.

Well Merry, mine doesn't work any better. It seems to be falling apart right now. I have had a headache/ear ache for the last 4 days straight. The nausea that I thought was a pregnancy symptom has not gone away despite AF having been here for the last 4 days. Nothing about these symptoms makes any sense so I just keep resting and hoping they will get better.

One week from today is my 33rd birthday, my first post-dead baby birthday and I just want to rip the heads off anyone who sends me a "happy" birthday card.

Oh Cara. I so want another baby for you.

Cara - I remember that very same feeling about 'Happy' birthday wishes last year.

Sarah N and ak - Hoping and wishing a boring nine months for you and healthy babes to come with you.

Love and hope to everyone else.

Maddie x

Cara, we had a rule on my birthday this year, there was to be no saying "Happy" in front of the word birthday, everyone was only allowed to wish me "Birthday." All day, that's all anyone said - my husband told them they were not allowed. He also gave me two huge boxes of old china from a thrift store for me to smash - that was my only gift this year.

So, Cara, "Birthday." Sending you love.

Congratulations, Sarah! I wish you a beautiful pregnancy and a healthy baby to take home at the end. I'm glad you won't need my advice about chilling out!

And I'll admit that when I first read your news I felt stupid for going on so long assuming we were in a similar position. But then I realized that it still might be useful for someone else. And hey, even if it's only useful for myself, that's okay too. Oh, and I've also been meaning to say that I really enjoy your blog. I've never commented, because I'm not a blogger myself and don't have a way to "log on" to make comments, but I enjoy reading and think about your gorgeous Otis often.

Congrats to ak too!

Sending love to all, especially Cara and Merry. It's so fucking hard, and I'm so sorry.

I'm trying to stay strong and avoid looking at the calendar. I think I probably/should've ovulated sometime in the last few days, and we've had a lot of good sex, so now I'm in the stage of the cycle where I'm most likely to get caught up and obsess. I really hope it doesn't happen, because I know the disappointment will be greater if I allow myself to go there. And I know it's either going to happen now, or it's not. The timing is right for my family, or it isn't. My feelings about it aren't going to change the outcome, but I just might be able to make it easier on myself, if I stay really strong.

Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe I need to get some dumbbells and start lifting weights every time I'm tempted to obsess about ttc. If nothing else, my arms will look better....

M, thanks. And really, your words still hold so much value for me, and so much wisdom - this is still a huge process of letting go...I am not in control. I spent my therapy session today talking about the fact that a bfp changes very little in the grand scheme of things at this point - that I still very much want and NEED to find things to bring meaning to my life above and beyond procreating and having a child someday. I have my superstitions that the only reason I actually got a bfp this month is because I gave up on testing and jumped in a jacuzzi and ate sushi. (Thank goodness the jacuzzi was only slightly warm, not hot-hot-hot, or else I'd be even more worried right now.)

Thinking of you all, with love and care....

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