If you're going through it now or have already been... What do you say when people ask "is this your first?" I'm having a hard time spitting out an answer. My brain just freezes and I feel like I don't have any control over what comes out. I know what I would like to say. But when I'm actually confronted with the question, it just doesn't happen. Today I said "well, yes and no". Such a stupid thing to say. But I just feel like I cannot exclude Charlotte or act like she never existed. I know sometimes it is easier to say yes, just so you don't have to explain your true answer. Just getting asked more often now and trying my best to answer the question and acknowledge my daughter.

oh susan, i've been struggling with this too. i'm scared to go to antenatal classes because of it, for fear that someone will ask me. i actually don't know whether i think this is my first child or not, it is - but it's not - but it is - but it's not. and if i don't even know the answer myself how can i answer other people?

right now i think the only answer i can honestly give is to say 'i had a second trimester miscarriage in 2009' and sidestep actually answering. but... i don't like saying that to 'normal' pregnant people, i don't want to freak them out. (oh the irony... pregnant women still mostly scare *me*.)

i guess i have another 7-8 weeks to practice answering before i actually have to say any of this out loud :/

I hate this question. I started a new job this week and I've been avoiding being chatty with any of my co-workers for fear of them asking me if I have children. It has already happened a few times as some people in administration know I am pregnant and they always ask me if this is our first child.

I haven't come up with a good way to answer it yet. So far I've only told one person about George and when I did it didn't feel right. So for now I will probably keep it more to myself. At least this is my plan until more people catch on that I am pregnant. I think my answer will be "I had a son who died right after he was born." If people feel like they want to ask me questions about it they can or if they feel uncomfortable, which is more likely, then they can just pretend I never said it (which has happened before).

My plan right now is to say "No, my first child died last summer when she was a baby."

After all we've been through, I don't mind other people having to deal with what that means as it sinks in.

I'm with Lola. I'm at a new job and 23w pregnant.

Is this your first? No, my son was a stillborn at 39w last march (or some variation). No there was no reason. No, actually he was perfect - the coroner's report proved it. [all variations of the same conversation]

I guess it helps that I'm not overly emotional when talking about him - it happened, it just is, it is sad, and yet I love him so much that I don't want to pretend it never happened.

Foster doesn't deserve to be forgotten even if it's more comfortable for others. Stillbirth happens, and I feel like I'm doing a disservice to pretend it doesn't when my gorgeous son succumbed to it. I know it makes people upset, but bigotry, ignorance and assumptions upset me too. Right now I don't feel the need to protect people from a sad truth - sometimes babies do just die.

And this isn't a dig or judgment on those who can't / don't / aren't ready to talk about their losses. This is just how I am; I'm not good at not being honest about something even if it is draining and uncomfortable.

I'm still struggling a little with this question myself Susan. I think I understand that awful 'brain freeze' that you describe.

I usually answer with the truth, that this will be my third child. It is surprising how frequently there are no further questions, other than the gender of the first two and what I am hoping for this time. The conversation tends to carry on with descriptions of the questioner's family, how many children they have, age gaps etc.

But if they do ask more questions, I generally say that my first child passed away when she was three days old (I wish I was brave enough to use the most honest 'died' like Lola). But not always. Sometimes I just can't face having this particular conversation.

I hope you can find something you feel comfortable with Susan. I don't think there is an easy (or a 'correct') way to answer this type of question. x

I haven't yet figured out how to answer those questions in a way that I'm happy with. One thing I recommend that has been helpful to me: whatever you decide you want to say, practice it out loud before you're ever in the situation.

I recently ran into a casual acquaintance who saw me, got a big smile and asked "How's the baby?" I had been dreading this exact scenario, and had role-played my response and possible follow-up questions with my husband, so when it happened I was ready. I probably sounded like a robot, but I got the words out without too much difficulty. I think the more times you say it the easier it will get.

Susan, you'll have plenty of opportunities to refine your answer, sadly. I said "yes and no" many times myself, so don't be hard on yourself. In fact I said plenty of weird things that didn't make much sense, so I know what you mean about having no control over what comes out. I often said, "Sort of." Sometimes I left it at that; sometimes I explained. But people knew what I meant and would either accept my answer without further question, or tell me their own story. Everyone seems to know someone who's had a miscarriage, so it's actually not such a strange response. Other times I'd dive straight in with "stillbirth" or "he didn't make it" or "my first pregnancy didn't end well".. many, many different versions. But no matter what answer I gave, I rarely sensed discomfort from the asker. It's probably all in the delivery, so I suggest you say whatever you feel like saying at the time, and then forget about it. If I was worried I'd said too much, I'd rescue the situation by painting rainbows: "So this pregnancy is even more exciting for me!" (It was like a direction to the asker: I've shared something personal but I require a light response from you.) By the end of the pregnancy I no longer believed that my answers reflected on my first son at all - whether I lied or gave the whole blunt truth or pfaffed around the edges of the truth. I know how badly his death affected me and that's enough. If I felt like protecting the asker, then I would, and if I felt like protecting me or my son, then I'd do that. Either option does both, anyway - being 'kind' to the asker was also a way of protecting my son, in the sense that a one-line summary wouldn't necessarily do justice to his memory.

Unlike for Catherine, things did get worse for me whenever I opted to say it was my second baby without further explanation. I'd get, "How old is your first now?" or, "Is he looking forward to meeting his little brother?" I'd only go with that response when I didn't feel like talking, and then I'd have to talk a lot to clear up the mess that ensued. So I found that "kind of" worked a lot better when I wanted to be honest without elaborating.

I know how hard it is, trying to do the right thing - but really, there's probably been no thought go into the question, so why stress yourself out with the answer? xo

Thank you all for your responses. I just feel out of sorts when approached with the question. I know it will get better. I don't mind talking about Charlotte, in fact I enjoy it. But I guess it's harder when I'm dealing with complete strangers. But they asked and they're going to get the truth... somehow.

Sarah H - You described exactly how I feel. Bad things happen, babies die. I had to find out the hard way. But it isn't going to be some family secret that we keep tucked away. Charlotte will always be a part of our lives. I'm sorry my grief and the memory of my child makes someone else uncomfortable. But she's going to be acknowledged.

I think it depends on the day; I'm not pregnant now, but the question of children to a married woman of my age is a pretty natural one.

I nearly always say "I have no living children." And follow up with, "I have a son who passed away shortly after his premature birth."

I imagine it will be the same for pregnancy. My obstetric history is littered with loss though, so in some ways, it's a relief to be able to say simply "No, I have a son who passed away shortly after his very premature birth." Opposed to saying, "No, this is pregnancy number 4/5/whatever, and no children."

But you know sometimes, in casual conversation with someone you don't see again, it's simply not worth opening the pain. To a bored checkout clerk who doesn't actually care? It's not worth the reopened wound that day, and I've come to believe that that is not a disservice to my son. It's not a denial of him, it's simply not the whole truth. I think you do what you have to do to get through and there is no right answer.

Just wanted to chime in--oh how I hate this question! And it seems that the further along I am, the more it gets asked! I answer it differently depending on who's asking and my mood at the time. These days, I've taken to saying "it will be, hopefully," or something like that. But, I'd rather say "if he lives, he'll be the first living child." Sounds kind of obnoxious. Sometimes I just say "sort of," and let the person ask more questions if they want.
I also have two step-kids. Don't they count somehow, too? So depending on the person, they might get an earful about how this will actually be the fifth child, but my first biological one (since I lost premature twins) and my third pregnancy...

Oh dear anon. I obviously deal with some particularly self-obsessed people! It has surprised me how frequently the conversation turns to the questioner and their own children, after they've established the birth order and sex of the baby I am currently carrying. It makes things a whole lot simpler and I can't imagine how I would deal with follow up questions along the lines of some of those you have been asked.

Sometimes I just hate seeing people fumble around with the fact of my daughter's death, looking so uncomfortable and at a loss, and I would rather omit her. And, on occasions like the bored checkout clerk described by Eliza and others who don't really care, I know I will save myself a lot of hurt.

But, on the whole, I agree with Sarah H. My daughter's death is only the truth. A sad truth. I am not trying to be rude or hurtful by including her (despite how the reactions of others might make me feel) and I would like to acknowledge her when and where I can.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to say this is my first or it is like I am saying Henry didn't matter to me. For me I say, this is my second but my first child passed away. Usually people just say that they are sorry and move on. Sometimes they ask questions. Even though they are painful to answer I just can't bring myself to say that this is my first. It is just one of those things for me.