Hi everyone,

Hope that everyone got through last week's challenges, which I know included some important anniversaries.

This week I have my 12 wk appt, to hear a heartbeat, and then the day after, my first trimester NT scan. I have been mostly not thinking about either and now that they are days away I am REALLY scared. Same office and doctor at that fateful appointment where there was no heartbeat. Will there be one? I haven't been in since week 8 when we saw one and that seems so long ago. And what happens if the NT scan is off?

We've all been through the worst thing that can happen to anyone, but to think entirely this way ("what could be worse?) isn't helping me right now. I think I will start a related thread called "mantras" and ask for suggestions.

How are you all coping with your prenatal appointments?
I know not all of us are pregnant...wishing those of you TTC a fertile week.

Lola, I know exactly what you mean. Those 4 weeks between appts are just AWFUL. The waiting and wondering if they'll find a heartbeat. I feel like it takes forever for that doppler to pick it up. It's hard to relax, but try. Just deep breaths and positive thoughts. Not that it helped me, I just didn't want my blood pressure to be sky high in the office. I hope all goes well with the checkup and the NT scan. It is just one worry after another from now until delivery.

AFM - I'm 17 weeks today. Waiting for the specialist docs to call me and schedule an ultrasound for next week. I just want to get it scheduled and then get in there to do it. I want to see that everything is ok. I want to check on this little one who I now feel moving around a bit. That is the greatest feeling!! But now that I'm feeling it, I will begin to worry when I don't. Hoping they continue to see me every 2 weeks. It is so much more reassuring than waiting 4 weeks. Still waiting for test results from AFP test done last week. I'm just a big ball of worry these days. Not willing to discuss my pregnancy openly with anyone other than family and close friends. Still not mentally there yet.

As of today I am officially 5 weeks 4 days. I received blood test results this morning and progesterone is high and numbers are "fabulous." I am feeling rather detached at the moment and missing my Beatrice so, so, so much. It sucks to be just barely starting a new pregnancy when I should have a newborn at home.

I spent my entire pregancy with Bea stressed out and worried sick. And I DID give myself high blood pressure, which was just one more thing to worry about. I don't want to do that again. Easier said than done, I know. But all my worry did not save her. Could not possibly save her.

I figure my chances now are basically 50/50. Either I will have a miscarriage, or not. Either this pregnancy will result in a living baby, or not. Either my husband and I will have the chance to parent a living child, or we won't. Doctor's appointments, tests, scans, vitamins, organic everything, not eating sushi, blah blah blah, might give us the illusion that we have some control over the outcome, but we don't. Whatever is going to happen will happen. I wish this was coming from a place of healthy acceptance, but it's more like beaten-down resignation. Or maybe just emotional exhaustion.

Lola & Susan, I'm hoping your upcoming appointments & test results are reassuring, and you are able to enjoy your pregnancies. Anyone who has figured out how to do this please let me know!

i have my 20 week scan on thursday. i have little or no hope or optimism. i am so scared.

Congrats Jill !! It is going to be one long, emotional roller coaster from now until the baby is born. I know what you mean. You feel like you did everything right the first time and what did that get you. We can only hope that this time will be different.

B - I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I'm 1-3 weeks away from my scan. It is hard to have any hope during a subsequent pregnancy. I know the days will seem long and slow between now and then. I'll be thinking of you on Thursday, hoping that all goes well and you get some reassurance. Even just for a little while.

Lola - I completely understand where you're coming from. I must admit to calling in to the hospital a few times between official scans/appointments to have a quick listen for reassurance. All i can say, is that now I can feel regular movement, the anxiety is slightly less. Only slightly! Considering renting one of my own dopplers now. Thinking of you as you head to your scan this week.

Susan - you totally summed it up. Amazing to feel movement, but now a worry when you don't feel it!! Strength to you and hoping you get your 2 weekly appointments.

Jill - Congratulations. Wonderful news that all is progressing as expected. But yes, what an exhausting journey we are now on. i'm not sure any of us have quite figured out how to do this. At this point for me, it's about getting out of bed in the morning, getting to work and chalking up one more day where this is still a healthy pregnancy. Hopefully that will keep going for 19 more weeks.

B - Thinking of you sweetie. May this scan provide you with a day of hope, optimism and happiness. Even if like me) the joy only last for a day before you're back stressing and worrying. Hopefully for a moment you get a glimpse of real joy again.

AFM - Will be 20 weeks this Friday. Had big scan last week, and all apparently progressing well. It was a magical scan, seeing this little thing alive and moving about. The anxiety is exhausting, so it was wonderful to have a full hour where I could just relax and watch him. We also found out that we're having a little boy. We lost our first child, my daughter Luca, 9 months ago at birth. So it's quite mixed emotions finding out that we're having a boy. At first it was disappointment, but now I'm really enjoying how it's made this pregnancy a very separate one from my pregnancy with Luca. How i'm imaging our lives unfolding with this little boy (when I dare to dream) is very different from what I had thought of previously.

Thinking of you all this week and sending love and strength where you need it.

Hi Everyone, good to hear from you all and thanks for starting the thread Lola. Lola the long wait between scans can be really draining can't it. I'm having another scan next week, when i am almost 28 weeks, and that will be my 6th scan for the pregnancy. So I'm having a lot more scans than most people and it's STILL hard! Every time I have been suprised to find the baby alive and seemingly OK.

Susan I'd say a big ball of worry is a very familiar state for me at the moment too and I don't like it. I'm glad you're getting fortnightly scans.

Jill S., congratulations x 1000!!! Blessings on you and your pregnancy. I also have a sense of 'this baby will live or this baby will die and that's just how it is". Unfortunately when people talk about my pregnancy in any other way (like with the "it will all be fine" stuff) I think they are from another planet.

B, that sounds really hard. I'll be thinking of you Thurs in Oz time, with fingers and toes crossed.

Cath, I am so glad the scan went well, what a relief.

From here, week 26 so less than 10 weeks until c/s. The first anniversary came and went and it was a generally shithouse experience. I am now feeling emotionally flat and physically flat too, mostly due to the heat. Here's an annoying thing that has happenned to me in all my pregnancies during summer: if temp goes above 35 C (that's 95 F I think) it's hard to stay hydrated enough. Even a smidgin of dehydration = irritated uterus = diarrhoea = more dehydration, and it becomes self perpetuating. So today I am trying to hybernate from the heat and hydrate. Our second daughter had her first ever day at school yesterday and today I didn't even walk the poor girl in the gate, just dropped her off and skittered back home to hide from the heat. I know I am feeling emotionally done-in because since I did that 2 hours ago I have been having catastrophic thoughts about "What if she doesn't find her classroom and wanders out of the schoool grounds? What is she gets abducted and no-one remembers she was supossed to be there?" As if I wasn't tired and done-in enough!

So pass the gastrolyte iceblocks. Love to you all.

i'm pretty emotionally drained but i wanted to say thank you to you all for thinking of me. we had the scan this afternoon and all was well. the baby is a little boy and all the measurements are good. such a relief.

just another 20 weeks (hopefully) of this craziness to go....

thinking of you all and hoping you're doing well. xx

That's wonderful, B. So happy and relieved for you!

Congrats B! Wonderful news. :-D

And a boy! do you sing the same song as I do in your head yet?

AFM - 23w2d and I'm starving. Little man is punting and kicking and grinding stuff into my lower pelvis. I love it. I love that I'm over the moon in love with him. I have hope, faith that he will come out bawling even though his brother was silent. I dream that he will be long like his brother, and ideally a lb or 2 lighter. I dream of his blue eyes and lips and holding him close to me. Regardless of what happens, I need to dream and think forward. What will be will be. I still have no control in the matter.

BTW - still testing my sugars and they're going down on average since December instead of up as they're supposed to in GD. I'm thinking I have some sort of pre-diabetes / metabolic syndrome happening instead of GD. I'll be redoing the 3 hr OGTT in a couple of weeks (25w) to see what happens. How awesome would it be if I passed it? :-P

much love
Sarah