ttc | pregnancy | birth after loss > Childbirth and choices after loss
B,
i have a very checkered birth history, to say the least. A c/s, then a hospital vbac, then a planned homebirth that turned into an ambulance dash for a prolapsing cord, then a silly pointless /s and finally a very lovely vbac which went swimmingly except that he didn't want to breathe.
I've planned for every eventuality and never got what I expected because that is how birth is. It is CERTAINLY true that some first births go beautifully at home and some hospital births are only crap because of hospital intervention.
From my point of view it is also now true that had Freddie been born at home and I was considering it until the last hours, he would have been dead before he got to hospital and I would have blamed myself totally. It isn't true that the trip to hospital killed him, or he would have been showing distress signs on arrival. It is also true that being born in hospital with monitoring, didn't save him.
In the end, I think I tend to come down to this. If I read my story in the paper, would I think "you bloody idiot" when I looked at my choices? If I know I made well considered choices and was prepared to take responsibility for them, then they are a good choice.
From my point of view, I'd blame myself if I had vbac'd at home and either Freddie (or indeed Maddy) had died. But with Freddie I know the risk in vbac-ing was to me, not him, he was born in a sensible place, with the help on hand and everyone did what they could and were able to do what they could, which they could not have at home. I've got precious little to beat myself up over.
I think in the end you are in an impossible place; I made all my birth choices based on the worry of something happening to me, not the baby. Bad births can happen anywhere, but more at hospital but you have to weigh that up against whether you are happier with "if only I hadn't been in hospital" as a regret or "if only I had been in hospital".
FWIW, me being me, I'm praying that if I have another baby it will be breech or twins so I can opt for a c/s without thought. If it isn't, I'll choose hospital vbac again, unless I get so hysterical I need it out at 37 weeks. I don't have induction as an option. The experiences I have had mean I now wouldn't wish to homebirth but they are particular to me, not what I think for other people. I just never want to be in a position of having to wonder if the buck stopped with me, ever again.
i have a very checkered birth history, to say the least. A c/s, then a hospital vbac, then a planned homebirth that turned into an ambulance dash for a prolapsing cord, then a silly pointless /s and finally a very lovely vbac which went swimmingly except that he didn't want to breathe.
I've planned for every eventuality and never got what I expected because that is how birth is. It is CERTAINLY true that some first births go beautifully at home and some hospital births are only crap because of hospital intervention.
From my point of view it is also now true that had Freddie been born at home and I was considering it until the last hours, he would have been dead before he got to hospital and I would have blamed myself totally. It isn't true that the trip to hospital killed him, or he would have been showing distress signs on arrival. It is also true that being born in hospital with monitoring, didn't save him.
In the end, I think I tend to come down to this. If I read my story in the paper, would I think "you bloody idiot" when I looked at my choices? If I know I made well considered choices and was prepared to take responsibility for them, then they are a good choice.
From my point of view, I'd blame myself if I had vbac'd at home and either Freddie (or indeed Maddy) had died. But with Freddie I know the risk in vbac-ing was to me, not him, he was born in a sensible place, with the help on hand and everyone did what they could and were able to do what they could, which they could not have at home. I've got precious little to beat myself up over.
I think in the end you are in an impossible place; I made all my birth choices based on the worry of something happening to me, not the baby. Bad births can happen anywhere, but more at hospital but you have to weigh that up against whether you are happier with "if only I hadn't been in hospital" as a regret or "if only I had been in hospital".
FWIW, me being me, I'm praying that if I have another baby it will be breech or twins so I can opt for a c/s without thought. If it isn't, I'll choose hospital vbac again, unless I get so hysterical I need it out at 37 weeks. I don't have induction as an option. The experiences I have had mean I now wouldn't wish to homebirth but they are particular to me, not what I think for other people. I just never want to be in a position of having to wonder if the buck stopped with me, ever again.
January 30, 2011 |
Merry
Merry
Merry, that is really, really helpful. Thank you.
I will have to come back and read this and really take it in later.
My initial gut reaction is that I would rather think 'if only i hadn't been in hospital', but you're right, it's an impossible choice.
Thank you so much.
I will have to come back and read this and really take it in later.
My initial gut reaction is that I would rather think 'if only i hadn't been in hospital', but you're right, it's an impossible choice.
Thank you so much.
January 30, 2011 |
B
B
Merry had such a great reply that I hesitate to add anything else because she already said it much better...
When we first received George's diagnosis every choice we made was colored with the question, "What choice will we regret more later on?" I think we must have always known deep down that he was going to die, despite all the medical intervention, because that was the question we kept asking ourselves. Whenever we were presented with options neither path was a good one but we always chose the one that felt it would come with less regret later in our lives.
I still live in that world of making choices based on what will I regret less if something bad happens with this pregnancy. What I've concluded is that if this pregnancy becomes full term, the birth will be at the hospital. I had a c-section with George and my OB has already told me I could have a vbac if I want but I have yet to decide that part. I'm still weighing my possible future regrets.
The thing about making decisions in this way is that it is not always logical. For instance, since I've been in this community I've heard way more stories of something going wrong independent of where someone has chosen to give birth rather than something going wrong specifically at a home birth or a birthing center. I've even read the statistics that say a home birth isn't more inherently dangerous than a hospital birth. Yet, it doesn't matter to me. No home birth. No birthing center birth. Not logical, see?
I think all you can do is research your options and go with your gut. Hopefully you have an OB who is willing to openly discuss these questions with you. It might help to have some info from a perspective of someone who knows all the facts and figures.
When we first received George's diagnosis every choice we made was colored with the question, "What choice will we regret more later on?" I think we must have always known deep down that he was going to die, despite all the medical intervention, because that was the question we kept asking ourselves. Whenever we were presented with options neither path was a good one but we always chose the one that felt it would come with less regret later in our lives.
I still live in that world of making choices based on what will I regret less if something bad happens with this pregnancy. What I've concluded is that if this pregnancy becomes full term, the birth will be at the hospital. I had a c-section with George and my OB has already told me I could have a vbac if I want but I have yet to decide that part. I'm still weighing my possible future regrets.
The thing about making decisions in this way is that it is not always logical. For instance, since I've been in this community I've heard way more stories of something going wrong independent of where someone has chosen to give birth rather than something going wrong specifically at a home birth or a birthing center. I've even read the statistics that say a home birth isn't more inherently dangerous than a hospital birth. Yet, it doesn't matter to me. No home birth. No birthing center birth. Not logical, see?
I think all you can do is research your options and go with your gut. Hopefully you have an OB who is willing to openly discuss these questions with you. It might help to have some info from a perspective of someone who knows all the facts and figures.
January 30, 2011 |
brianna
brianna
I think you can also assume that last minute things make such a massive difference. Fear of hospital played a part in my choice to home birth. With Josie, fear of what nearly happened to Amelie made me go to hospital. With Maddy, my choice on hen and how I went to hospital was improved by it starting when I was well rested. With Josie, I legged it to hospital because I was tired and over-wrought. With Freddie, I stayed at home and took my time because of some innate sense of wanting time with him, of needing it on my terms. When the time comes, however you plan it, certain instincts and needs and circumstances will come into play.
In the end B, you want the best possible and gentlest way of coming out of being pregnant with a live and healthy baby and the fewest emotional things to work through. I've got enough experience to tell you that coming out of a mat unit with a baby sure the hell beats coming out without one but birth trauma is a hell of a thing to beat if you weren't expecting it. Perhaps the best thing you can do is prepare yourself for it being massively emotional.
With Freddie, I was expecting the afterwards to be emotional (ha!) because of our previous 'loss' so I put plans in place to mean I had support then. Perhaps that would be a good plan, in which case I really recommend a doula.
In the end B, you want the best possible and gentlest way of coming out of being pregnant with a live and healthy baby and the fewest emotional things to work through. I've got enough experience to tell you that coming out of a mat unit with a baby sure the hell beats coming out without one but birth trauma is a hell of a thing to beat if you weren't expecting it. Perhaps the best thing you can do is prepare yourself for it being massively emotional.
With Freddie, I was expecting the afterwards to be emotional (ha!) because of our previous 'loss' so I put plans in place to mean I had support then. Perhaps that would be a good plan, in which case I really recommend a doula.
January 30, 2011 |
Merry
Merry
B - I'm working through this right now. In Ontario, Canada, in a normal pregnancy with midwives, homebirth is an option. I desperately want to birth at home, but part of me is so scared because of the 'what ifs'.
In our case Foster died at home and was born in a hospital. The pathology of it all then and in the fallout has made me want a homebirth all the more - I want to be left alone to do what my body does which is give birth. I can give birth, and so I need to rationalize the scary parts (statistics, and my risk tolerance) with what will be the best choice for me. It's a lot like being afraid of the dark. Just because you know there aren't monsters doesn't always help - sometimes a nightlight is needed regardless.
Right now I am leaning towards planning for both. We will pack a bag and prep the baby seat in the car and when I go into labour we'll decide then. If it's safe and I feel safe then we'll stay home. If I'm nervous we'll go to the hospital. All I can say is that the research indicates that if the mother is relaxed in her environment birth will be less difficult, regardless of where that is.
Anyway - I get you. There are no easy answers. If you're interested in a birth class I can deeply recommend The Bradley Method / Brio method - both focus on natural childbirth with an emphasis on evidence based care. The best part is that the partner is the coach. Without Karl I don't know how I would have made it through my labour with Foster, and we're looking forward to using those skills again.
much love
S
In our case Foster died at home and was born in a hospital. The pathology of it all then and in the fallout has made me want a homebirth all the more - I want to be left alone to do what my body does which is give birth. I can give birth, and so I need to rationalize the scary parts (statistics, and my risk tolerance) with what will be the best choice for me. It's a lot like being afraid of the dark. Just because you know there aren't monsters doesn't always help - sometimes a nightlight is needed regardless.
Right now I am leaning towards planning for both. We will pack a bag and prep the baby seat in the car and when I go into labour we'll decide then. If it's safe and I feel safe then we'll stay home. If I'm nervous we'll go to the hospital. All I can say is that the research indicates that if the mother is relaxed in her environment birth will be less difficult, regardless of where that is.
Anyway - I get you. There are no easy answers. If you're interested in a birth class I can deeply recommend The Bradley Method / Brio method - both focus on natural childbirth with an emphasis on evidence based care. The best part is that the partner is the coach. Without Karl I don't know how I would have made it through my labour with Foster, and we're looking forward to using those skills again.
much love
S
January 30, 2011 |
Sarah H
Sarah H
If losing my baby hadn't happened, I would ideally want to give birth at home. D was against that idea; partly because our flat is not huge, and not entirely home (god, if only we could move), and partly because although in the UK we're supposed to have the choice to give birth at home we are 'encouraged' to go to hospital for a first birth.
But I did lose my baby.
Last time I was booked into a midwife-led unit. If there had been complications I would have needed to transfer to another hospital, 8 miles away. Not terribly far in an ambulance, but still. That place is irrelevant anyway; neither D nor I could bear to go back into that maternity unit. So this time I'm booked into the consultant-led place. Which, so far, has been amazing - but I've always heard that from a birth point of view it's like a production line and the staff are overstretched (so will they pick up if something goes wrong? will i be listened to if i feel like something's not right?), but it does mean that in the event of any complications I'm there already, and don't need to transfer.
And then I read this article http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/jan/30/home-births-womb-of-my-own , which at the same time makes me want to go to hospital for the birth and to stay at home.
And at the same time I think 'who cares what the birth is like as long as the baby survives'.
I just wondered if anyone else has struggled with this? How have you decided/are you deciding what to do?