Hi All,

How are you all?

I am very average. It is the first anniversary of our daughter's death in a few days. The world is awash with grief triggers, too many to hope to avoid. I'm crying a lot. It's hot and I am trying to stay hydrated.

I just received by mail a 'Happy First Birthday ' card for Salome from the parish from whence came the priest who gave her the emergency baptism in NICU. Salome was already dead when he came back the next day to give us the proper baptism certificate. That's a serious clerical error from the parish, and it has upset me. I'll be firing off a very frank email to the parish in a second.

Week 25, so 11 weeks to go. If I get anxious it seems to increase my nausea. How can I not get anxious? A few days ago my 4 year old had a temper tantrum and punch me in my belly, right where I know the placenta is attached. Within minutes she was apologising, but it took me a while longer to calm down enough to talk to her about it. I got myself a GP appointment the next morning so both my 4 year old and I could hear a good strong heartbeat still there. This helped calm both my 4 year old and I down. A bit.

Love to all, looking forward to reading all your news.

Oh that is so so horrible to get a birthday card..I mean what the hell! Anniversaries are never easy, be gentle with yourself xxx

Good grief Sophia - what a major clerical error! As if anniversaries are not hard enough as it is for us. Sending you love and peace for the next few days. I have the first anniversary of the birth and death of my daughter still coming, and I honestly do not know I am going to get through it.

AFM - I'm now almost 19 weeks. I managed to get my ass over to the prenatal yoga last week, which was very emotional. Hopefully it will get easier - but I found it very uncomfortable being in a room with so many seemingly blissfully happy pregnant women. Inevitably the dreaded question from a complete stranger came up..,"Is this your first?" I was not at all prepared for this - to be asked by a woman who looked very much on the verge of giving birth to her 3rd child. So I smiled, lied and said yes, and very quickly walked away. I remember so clearly how it was with my previous pregnancy, where I was so excited to meet other pregnant woman and hear how they were doing and feeling, and getting excited for those who where due any day. Argh, I really miss that. I just can't get excited. And just do not want to engage with these ladies. I want to bury my head in the sand for the next 19 weeks until I'm ready to give this "birthing thing" another go.

Question for others - my Obs has suggested in one of our very early appointments that she would want to induce me early at about 38 weeks. I am yet to discuss this in detail with her, in terms of the risks etc. But I would like to hear what advice or indication other moms have been given on this.

Sophia - wishing you courage to get through this first annviersary.

Cath - I don't know your story, but our OB has suggested inducing anywhere after 36-37 weeks. Our daughter died just before her due date, and frankly it seems pretty arbitrary to induce early just because of when she died, especially since they can't give us any answers as to what happened, and anything they *think* could even *possibly* have caused her death they are monitoring or treating with this pregnancy.

So...right now I am not sure. I am not against inducing, and have no idea how I will feel when I actually get into those weeks, but I will be monitored twice a week beginning at 32 weeks (I wonder if that would have helped my daughter or not). I think ultimately it will be up to me to fend off nerves and make the right decision for us.

Oh how I wish I had taken that stupid white pill to induce labor earlier last time.

I was induced at 38 weeks this time around, I was concerned as there are risks associated with induction and with babies being that little bit early. I would have loved to have had this baby when she was ready to come but just couldn't face the waiting, all my natural births were at 42 weeks! However the risks at 38 weeks are really low, babies are classed as full term at that point. 36/37 is a more risky in terms of lung development. I figured after discussing with my ob that it was safe for her to come at 38 that I would rather just have her in my arms. I think you have to do what feels right for you though xx

I had a c-section at 37+1 with Max. It was orginally booked for 39 weeks but once I got to 36 weeks I just wasn't coping so my ob bought it foward. I was worried about risks with lungs etc but Max was fine - he spent an hour in a humidicrib in recovery with us and then came straight to our room with us. I had steroid shots 24 hours beforehand (should have been sooner but the c-section was only bought forward at that stage). Matilda had a genetic syndrome so my sub pregnancy wasn't technically high risk - the c-section happened early due to my anxiety.

I thought I'd be fine with waiting until 39 weeks but as we got closer to the end I was getting more and more anxious.

Sophia - I hope you make it calmly through the anniversary of losing your daughter. I know grief and pregnancy hormones are a hard mix to deal with. We'll be thinking of you. I know I am already dreading the 1 year anniv. of losing Charlotte. I will be *fingers crossed* 35 weeks when that date comes around.

Cath - I didn't get to do any yoga during my first pregnancy. There is a class available at my gym. I have debated whether or not to sign up. I wanted to wait until I was further along. But just like childbirth classes, I dread the questions and awkwardness that could come from my history. We haven't discussed delivery at this point.

Lola - Hope you are doing well. I'm sure you will know what feels right for you when the time comes to make that decision.

Fairy - Thanks for the insight as someone who has completed this pregnancy after loss journey.

ME - 16 weeks today. Had a checkup this morning that went well. Nice strong heartbeat. Took blood for that AFP test. I am going to schedule my appointment with maternal fetal medicine docs in two weeks. They are going to do a targeted ultrasound and will monitor me along with my regular Ob. Feeling really good about how many appointments I'm having now. The worry and anxiety is still there but at least some relief will come more often as they check on me and the baby. Still haven't spread the word to those all around me yet. Although I'm starting to feel that I could finally be ready.

Oh Sophia - a birthday card? I'm so sorry - of all the offices to make a mistake like that. You'd think they'd know better.

Cath and others trying to decide about induction. We're there too. I'll be 36 weeks on Monday. We lost Micah just before 37 weeks for no known reason. We have talked about early induction, but we've decided to wait until at least 38 weeks, possibly 40 and just monitor very closely - kick counts, biweekly NSTs, etc. My practice has been fantastic about making it very clear that I can get an NST or a check whenever I need one and that they will listen if we change our minds about inducing at 36 or 37 weeks. My current plan is to hold out until closer to 40 if I can handle it - I feel like there is danger inside and out, and I feel totally unequipped to decide where he'll be safest.

Hugs to you all - I wish there were easy answers for all of us.

i have now freaked out two monday mornings in a row. did it again this week. so scared the baby has died and i don't know. both times i've managed to calm down and not go to the hospital for a scan. it's so hard though. my next one is due in nine days. hoping to hold out til then.

part of me is so negative and can't believe that this could ever end well. part of me is booking antenatal classes and reading books about birth and looking at pregnancy pilates classes. and buying cute babygros in the supermarket. i just wish i knew how this was going to end.

i have a goal of managing to go for lunch with a couple of the pregnant people in work. just to get accustomed to socialising specifically with pregnant people so i don't freak out when i'm at classes or anything. wish me luck (ha).

sophia, that's awful. i hope they are mortified.

Just thinking about Sophia's birthday card and wondering if anyone's pediactricians handled the death of their babies differently from mine. This was our first baby, so we had met the pediatrician, and he would have come to the hospital etc. Then a few weeks later we were reminded of the pediatrician and were remembered that our OB said they were going to notify. In other words, they didn't do anything at all. Is it too much to have asked them to send us a condolence card? What do they do when children who are active patients in their practice die?

Sorry this is off topic but it would have been a very classy touch at a very fragile time: "Dear us, We are so sorry to learn of the loss of your baby. We, like you, had been very much looking forward to caring for him/her. Please let us know if there is anything we can do during this difficult time, and if we may, we hope to care for your family in the future."

Instead, I wonder what is going to happen when it is time to set up a file for our next baby. What are they going to say to us when we give them our last name? It just sounds messy. I dread it.

These things, much like proper and respectful treatment from people, just don't seem that HARD!!

Oh, Sophia. What an awful thing to receive in the mail.

I did not realize our timelines were so closely aligned. I am also in week 25, and this Friday is the one year anniversary of our son's death. I am alternating between giddy happiness about the new baby (seriously, I feel like I'm drunk this week, maybe because I am sick and have a mild fever) and crushing grief for my little boy. So much crying lately. If I weren't able to keep it mostly private I'm sure everyone around me would think I had lost my mind.

Cath and others in this boat, we are also discussing early induction, in my case because I am high risk for developing gestational diabetes (although I don't seem to have developed it yet). I talked to my OB today about his criteria for that, and basically it will come down to the baby's size and how well my glucose levels have been controlled in the interim. If my numbers stay good and the baby is in normal size range then he will let me go to term ... but not past 40 weeks under any circumstances. I'm comfortable with that approach, but I haven't had a late loss. I know that the concern in my case is large baby and possible placental breakdown (due to the gestational diabetes and also the fact that I will be almost 42).

B, I am so sorry for your continued anxieties. Just so sorry. It's so understandable but it sucks so much to be in the middle of that ... I know, because it comes and goes for me. I hope you find that there is a point in your pregnancy where you can feel a bit of calm and joy, but I also know that for some of us that understandably just isn't in the cards.

Pediatricians: we have a pre-existing relationship with ours because of our living daughter, but she didn't know about our loss until August. Her response (in person) was about the best we've gotten from any medical professional, though. Did any of you get a card from your OB? I got one from the nurses in the high-risk OB ward at the hospital, but not from the OB's office.

I had two really upsetting dreams this week. In the first: I had a dream in which I had two kids, my daughter and a little boy who was clearly Hector. No little girl baby in sight, but when I woke up I tried to reconfigure that dream so that I was pregnant with her, still waiting for her. In the second dream, we had our baby girl safe and sound, but when I was bringing her home from the hospital to meet the extended family I kept forgetting that she was a girl and calling her "he," referring to her as Hector, etc., and my husband was so upset with me, telling me that I could never let her know I'd done that. And in the dream I kept trying to remember that she was a girl, that she wasn't Hector, but then I'd forget and be so happy until someone reminded me.

So I guess I have some feelings of guilt to work out. I love this girl so much already, and I still grieve her brother -- in my rational mind I know those feelings are not incompatible, but I guess I am feeling like she's getting short shrift.

Oh, the pediatrician thing. I'd forgotten that. We were told the hospital would notify her. Turns out, since she was out of network for them, they never did. About 6 weeks after my baby died I took my living son in for an ear infection. I got the strangest look from her and she seemed a little cold - I couldn't figure out why. Finally I realized she hadn't been notified and assumed I had a baby somewhere not getting any medical care.

Once I told her, she was awesome - she sat and cried with me and helped me figure out what kinds of medical questions I might want to ask before we tried again and got me books to help my living son understand what had happened. She called and checked on us a few weeks later and has just been fantastically supportive. And she would have given us all that help six weeks earlier if the hospital had notified her the way they were supposed to.

Beth, I am sorry if I am too late to wish you peace on the anniversary of your son's birth on Friday (I hope it's still Friday night where you are). My brain kind of fell out for 2 days and it has still not returned!

Love to you and yours, hoping the day isn't completely hideous for you and that those closest to you are explicit in their offers of support. I feel huge sorrow for both of us.