I plan on having a very quiet week, Fighting with the HR department at work. My doctor has put me off work as of Friday at only 20+ weeks. She was very willing given our history, but it was mostly at my request. I have had enough of people asking me if I am sure it is a singleton and not twin and of course the never ending comments about another chance, this being a different pregnancy so I shouldn't have the fears and anxieties that I do, blah blah blah. And of course I am a nurse so I work 12 hour shifts and heavy lifting is involved in my job. Now I am just trying to get my Short term illness benifits, they are unsure if they will grant them or not because they are saying this is related to my last pregnancy, which I was also put off Early and needed to collect STI benifits. They want to open it as the same claim and if they do I have already used up all the hours I had, so they will not have to pay anything more. If they open it as a new claim then the hours start at the begining again. I know I am off because of what happened the last time, but it is a new pregnancy. Who knows.
Anyway. I hope that everyone else is doing well.

Thanks for starting this off Natalie. Reading your post made me glad again that I haven't had to deal with any tricky insurance systems in this pregnancy. What you're going through sounds complicated and stressful and the stakes sounds high. I hope you get the outcome you want at least.

AFM, week 24. We've come back from a Christian conference thingy my husband helped organised. Until now I have been thinking of myself as a Christian going through hard times. I've realised over the last few days that I am instead occupying a sort of demilitarised zone between 'Christian going through hard times' and 'No longer Christian'. That's sad, just one more thing to grieve from this whole shitty mess, and it's a big one.

Love to all.

Natalie, I'm sorry you're having to worry about coverage and hope it all works out so you can take care of yourself in the best possible way (without going completely broke).

Sophia, I'm sorry for the religious struggle. I'm not a religious person, so I can't really relate, but I imagine it feels pretty disorienting. What a hard spot to be in.

Nothing too exciting over here. Glad I got a positive OPK last week, and pretty optimal sex timing, so now I'm just hanging out and hoping it works. I have an acupuncture appointment in the morning. It's way too early to test for pregnancy, and my new worry is that the acupuncturist, who always checks my pulse, will either tell me he thinks that I am pregnant (and then he'll be wrong, and my hopes will be more severely dashed), or he'll tell me he doesn't think I'm pregnant (and my hopes will be dashed prematurely). Hmmm. I should probably just chill out. I guess I'll test next week, if my period doesn't start. Circling next Tuesday on my calendar.

Natalie that all sounds really stressful. I hope you can get it sorted out and that they agree to it being a new claim - as OF COURSE it is! Good luck fighting HR.

Sophia that sounds really hard to deal with :( I'm sorry you've got yet another thing to process.

M, can't you tell your acupuncturist to *not* tell you whether he thinks you're pregnant or not?? That sounds like a really stressful pair of options. Of course, I hope if he says anything he says yes and that he's right..... I have everything crossed for you, either way.

Over here things are progressing at 1 day every 24 hours, but it feels a lot slower than that. I had my scan on Thursday last week and all was well, but on Monday after feeling happy and positive all weekend ALL of my fear and dread came crashing down on me and I got extremely upset and convinced that the baby had died. I thought about going to the hospital or my midwife, but I wouldn't have gone without D for fear that something really was wrong, and although he would have come if I'd asked I CANNOT be dragging him out of work every five minutes just because I'm anxious and terrified, no matter how justified it might be. So I went into work and cried at a colleague for half an hour, then I calmed down and went back to my desk. And managed to work from around 10am to around 4.20pm. Go me.

Yesterday was ridiculously busy so I didn't have time to panic. This morning I cried a little when I got into work, I was just so sad, but I've mostly been OK. Next scan: two weeks tomorrow. I can hold out until then. Honest......

Hope everyone out there is doing OK x

Natalie - Of course it would be a new claim. How can a new pregnancy NOT be a new claim?? New pregnancy, new health concerns and I'm sure you're high risk. If the doctor completes the paperwork for the insurance claim, what is there to question. Crazy! Sorry that might be an issue for you.

Sophia - Unfortunately, I'm right there with you. I'm not sure about my faith these days either. Losing Charlotte has me second guessing a lot. I know God wouldn't cause me to lose my baby, but he sure didn't stop it either. How can God's will be for me to suffer like this and lose such a perfect little girl? And others just don't understand.

M - Hope the timing works for you. I agree, just ask them not to say anything to you about your pulse. Seems like a reasonable request. Would help avoid the stress.

B - I'm sorry you are feeling so anxious and scared. I am feeling the same way. Going four weeks between appts is killing me right now. I almost caved last week and asked to come in. My poor hubby wants me to be ok. He doesn't want me upset and I cannot drag him away either. I would want him there too. Hope you can find a way to relax and the next two weeks go quickly for you.

AFM - 15 weeks now. I go for my 16 week checkup next Tuesday, which of course cannot come fast enough. I just want to hear that little heartbeat and know that all is well. I hope I am not imagining things... but I think I'm starting to feel little movements, which I feel are like little muscle twitches. I'm pretty sure this is how it started with Charlotte. I am also ready for my 18 week u/s. I'm going to a maternal-fetal medicine specialist for that one. I am so glad they will be looking at things. I am looking forward to the additional monitoring. Still stressed about telling people. Even though I am convinced that it is getting more and more obvious. About to start wearing maternity pants to work. I just want to control how the information is shared and I don't know if I'll ever be truly ready for that.

Good thoughts to you all.

Sophia and Susan - I just wanted to pop in to offer a book suggestion that has helped me in my struggle with God and my faith...I've found that "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold S. Kushner has helped me some. I'm still struggling on a daily basis with my faith, but this book has eased it a bit.

To everyone else, I hope that you all have very uneventful and "normal" pregnancies this time around. You deserve it. And to those of you actively TTC, I wish the best for you too.

Oh, it was all worry for nothing! The acupuncturist didn't say anything and I didn't ask.

Today I went in for a blood test to check progesterone levels (8 days past my positive OPK). I guess they'll call if the results indicate that I need something? They've been totally on top of it, so I assume they'll be in touch.

Other than that, just tap-tap-tapping my toes.

everything crossed for you M. i'm glad the acupuncturist didn't say anything :) x

They put my claim though at work. So now I can just get back to the real job of worrying about being pregnant. As annoying as it is to be dealing with HR at work it was nice to have the distraction for a few days.
M sending you positive vibes.

Well, fuck. Low progesterone. Had an annoying conversation with the nurse as she explained that they recommend clomid next cycle, and progesterone supplements 8 days post surge. Well, today is 8 days post surge for this cycle, so WTF. I pushed and she called me in a prescription to start tonight. Probably hopeless at this point and they're just humoring me. I feel quite defeated.

Oh, M, I am sorry for the bad news about the progesterone. I hope the supplements do the trick for you. (Wish we lived in the same city; I've got a ton of them in my refrigerator that I will probably eventually just throw away.)

I'm glad for the good news about your claim, Natalie.

I am sorry that so many are feeling tons of anxiety, although how could we avoid it, right? I am fortunate that right now I am in a pretty good place with regard to this pregnancy; I am feeling a lot of movement all the time, I am feeling okay as long as I don't overdo it, and as far as I can tell everything is okay. I am getting very little monitoring except in regard to gestational diabetes so I am really grateful for the movement I feel, because otherwise I would be insane with worry.

The gestational diabetes thing is very stressful, though. I can still keep my numbers in line easily with diet, except when I am sick (cold, flu, sinus infection). I've been sick on and off since right after Thanksgiving. Every time my numbers go up they threaten me with meds, but then I get better and the numbers go down and they say, oh, I guess it was just the virus. My husband, who thinks this is a bunch of crap and that I don't have gestational diabetes, is very against the idea of my taking meds, especially since the one they want to put me on is apparently not FDA approved for GD and has some inconclusive studies linking it to birth defects. (He's not as crackpot as that sounds; I was put on the protocol under an experimental grouping of "high risk" patients, I was not given a glucose challenge test, and the people treating me are a bunch of nurses, dietitians, and social workers who all apply different standards, and some of whom have admitted to me that they don't know much about pregnancy or diabetes. I am nervous about the meds, too.)

We are also having insurance issues that make it expensive/impossible to get a second opinion or even have the meds and supplies covered by insurance, AND the current protocol they have me on has me setting an alarm in the middle of the night to wake up and eat something. In short: it is annoying and it sucks and I am exhausted because I can never get back to sleep afterward.

But my baby still seems to be fine, I am almost at 25 weeks, and I am counting my blessings even while I am griping about the diabetes crap, I promise.

M, do you know the specifics of your progesterone numbers? I tested low at 7DPO (I think it was 8.2) the month that I conceived Otis - my doctor told me it was a number that showed ovulation but likely wouldn't support a pregnancy (we didn't know I was pregnant, obviously!) Within 10 days, by the time I had gotten my BFP, I went for a progesterone test and it was up in the 40s and steadily rising - I didn't need to supplement.

This time, (different doctor), my progesterone 7DPO was 7.6, which the nurses said they usually like to treat with Clomid. I'm not especially game for going on it at this time (don't like the reports about what it does to cervical mucus, uterine lining, and I live in fear of further messing with my cycle as it finally seems to be moving towards normal...) So this month I'm trying a B-complex (helps with luteal phase) and using a natural progesterone cream after I ovulate. I know the levels in the cream are nowhere near as strong as the supplements, but my doctor doesn't seem too game to supplement me this cycle, I think she wants more "solid evidence" that there's an issue. Solid evidence = short cycles, no pregnancy = another month of crap for me, most likely, but hope does spring eternal so I'm sure I'll still hold out hope for this month....

AFM, I'm going in for my HSG today - the dye through the uterus and fallopian tubes to look for "issues." I'm nervous because I've heard it can be painful, but strangely enough I feel pretty confident they are not going to find anything abnormal...which is not my usual MO, so that probably means that this will, in fact, be the test where they find problems.

I'm sorry for the GD crap, Beth, but so glad you're already 25 weeks!!

Good luck today, Sarah! I hope your good feeling is right on the money. Thanks also for sharing your numbers with Otis. My number was 9.6 (I think), so not outrageously low. Definitely still a shot. And maybe a pregnancy could be supported without supplements, but I figured what the hell, it couldn't hurt. Having to continue supplementing through 12 weeks would be a pain, but well worth it if a pregnancy sticks. My inclination for next cycle is to stop the extra monitoring and just give acupuncture some time to work. I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for clomid, and would reasses after spring, I guess. Thanks again for sharing your numbers, Sarah. It helps me hang on to some hope.

9.6 is really on the border between low and normal, from what I understand (I think they say they want "over 10" on unmedicated cycles...) so I would DEFINITELY hold on to hope, M! And I'm with you - I wouldn't mind supplementing if it helped me stay pregnant - that's a no brainer! Though I do know with the supplements it's a mind-trick because they make you feel SO pregnant. When are you planning/hoping to test, M? Fingers crossed for you.

Hello everyone,
The only thing happening for me this week, besides trying to be grateful for my first trimester nausea etc is that the last of my friends who were part of my baby club had her daughter a few days ago. It turns out when you lose a girl it really is harder to see another person have a girl. The boy babies don't affect me as much with jealousy etc.

The strange thing is that with all of these friends who have had babies (and there were 4-5 of them) when each one was born I was in this strange way really surprised to learn that they were all alive. Of course they were alive. Most babies live -- what a relief. But it further makes me feel monstrous. Why is mine the only one out of all this whole group of friends who was stillborn?

I don't wish other babies to die, of course. It is just a further reminder (as if we need any) that I live in a world where babies die for no reason at all, and that is really hard.

Lola, yes, boys affect me too where girls don't. I so wish Freddie had been a girl to avoid it. I've had 4 happy girl births and I just don't think it would be the same as I also have positive girl memories to hang on to.

As for me, I'm testing negative at 11DPO so I think I am out as I have hospital sticks that would detect if I was pregnant. I'm no longer convinced my surges are actually resulting in ovulation and am going to talk to someone about Clomid. I've given myself this year to get pregnant but can't really try in March or early April (which will be one year since Freddie died) as it would result in an Xmas baby which is not compatible with our business and too scary to ruin the kids Xmas too with worry and/or another death. So leaving aside that, I'm looking at 8-10 more cycles to try and conceive. I reserve the right to change my mind of course.

Beth - I feel for you on the 'GD crap'. I'm fighting the same stupid battle. If I get enough sleep everything looks perfect, but if I don't get 10 hours of sleep a night they're elevated in the morning. And yes yes yes to the different values and opinions. My opinion is avoid the meds if possible - research is still inconclusive about the effect of managed vs medicated GD. Anyway - I just get it.The last thing a bereaved mother needs is to be monitored like she's a danger to herself.

Lola - you're not alone. Over the last 10 months (and especially the last 5 months) I've had to work really really hard to change my experience mindset. Fact is 99.7% of babies are alive at birth. We are just part of that random 0.3% who didn't get that. It's sometimes just random bad luck and nothing else.

I'm here - 21w4d-ish. Little man is flipping and kicking and I love every second of it. I've hit the starved stage (so hungry) and I'm just concerned about weight gain and the aforementioned GD crap. The US pics had this little guy 4d ahead of my LMP and a day sooner than my adjusted date... I worry a bit that we just grow large babies which are macrosomic but are not a medical issue, but will be seen as a medical issue. Maybe we're not 7lb-er people? Anyway - other than concern about external influence (Drs, medicalization of the pregnancy) things are really really good.

Thinking of everyone - hope there are some BFPs and howling babies soon.

Lola, I am also surprised and relieved when the other babies are ok. Which, of course, they always are. And baby girls upset me, too. The worst: We have friends with twin girls, born the same week I lost Beatrice. On a very primal level I just can't get my head around the fact that they received TWO baby girls when ours was taken from us. I can't bear to see them, and though I feel badly about it, I really think I may have to let go of that friendship. It's too painful.

Today is CD29 for me. I do not feel pregnant, but I don't feel like AF is going to arrive any time soon, either. So we'll see. The plan is to stay calm and not test until I am weeks late, or I have unambiguous symptoms of pregnancy. Wondering if anyone has actually been successful at that(?) For my sanity, if I have an early miscarriage I'd rather not know.

Jill, I have always waited awhile before testing...when I already knew. Therefore, I have never endured a negative test!

Although this did not save me from one early miscarriage.

I am struggling with just about everyone who has healthy babies and who seems to get pregnant so easily. Even though I know they would never hurt me on purpose, it is hard to conceal resentment and even harder to have conversations. Have you noticed how new mothers still complain about their live babies in front of you? I find this so strange. What I wouldn't give to be exhausted etc. I want to remind them that our dead baby kindly
lets us sleep through the night. Ugh.

I am just over 10 weeks now and wondering who is in there. Sometimes I think I can already feel the baby. I imagine this will bring a whole new round of nostalgia for my daughter, and anxiety.

WIshing you all positives!

Just popping you to send some love, hugs, and hope for BFPs, boring pregnancies, and screaming babies at the end of them.

Beth & Sarah - I hear you on the GD crap. I had GD in both pregnancies - in Matilda's it seemed like a non-issue because there were so many other things going on. In my subsequent pregnancy it was extra stress I just didn't cope with very well - it was like I was being tested on how well I could manage things 4 times a day. I ended up on 2000mg of Metformin for the last few weeks - I googled once and then stopped. If you ever want to chat about it, I'm madeline dot taylor at gmail dot com

Maddie x