I am 29+ weeks along and am afraid I will lose my mind before it's over. I have zero confidence that this baby will be healthy.

With my daughter Addison, I went to the hospital at 38.5 weeks due to decreased fetal movement. She was delivered the next morning and died exactly a week later due to severe hypoxic-ischemia (probable cord injury). In looking back, there were maybe 2 days before that where I thought her movements might have slowed a little. But I figured it was just because she was ready to come out and she had less room to move about.

So, obviously, I feel like it's within my ability, and totally my responsibility, to keep this baby alive and healthy. I wake up, wait for movement, and if I feel none, immediately my heart sinks. I poke, prod, drink water--anything to get him going. If, at any point in the day, I don't feel him moving, I wonder if he is dead or dying. I am not sure if the kicks are slowing some days or if he's just napping. It's just such a hard thing to measure--kicks. I mean, measuring the "strength" of kicks is just so....subjective. When I don't feel him, I have often thought about going to the hospital to get checked. My thoughts and fear are driving me crazy.

As much as I know how rare it was for Addison to die the way she did, I don't believe in statistics anymore. Lightning can--and does--strike twice. And I just don't know what I will do if this baby dies.

I so know exactly how you feel! I spent my whole pregnancy feeling just like that, I don't think there is a whole lot you can do either, you are going to feel that way ...I'm sure you would be pretty odd if you didn't feel this way in fact. Because you are right, lightning can strike twice. But hold on to the fact that if things do go your way in the end it will really really be worth it!! I figured it was no pain no gain. I just had my little rainbow on Monday and I honestly feel like I just won the lottery, all the stress, blood and tears was 100% worth it. Hang on in there baby!!

Fairy - Congrats! Glad to hear all is well.

Rebecca - I know exactly how you feel. I'm only 14 weeks and am worrying myself to death. I want to go in and hear the heartbeat again now for reassurance. I cannot calmly wait 4 weeks between checkups. I want to start feeling movements and kicks. But then I dread being like you, because I know that's how I will be. I lost Charlotte at 26 weeks. I went to the hospital because I wasn't feeling her move either. So that will be hard the further I get. I'm even telling my husband not to plan a vacation or plan anything after my 26th week this time. I'm just too scared.
Stay strong. Hoping all continues to go well for you. I know you won't relax until your child is born healthy and living with you.

this scares the life out of me. i'm only 17 weeks but am already worried about it. babies do naturally slow down as they get bigger and closer to being born. how the f****ing hell are we supposed to tell the difference between this and a baby who is actually in trouble? without being attached to an ultrasound machine 24-7, i mean.

i don't think there is an answer. i wish there was. i just hope so hard for you (and for all of us) that this time things end differently, and better. thinking of you.

It's undestandable you're freaked out. Have you thought about renting a Doppler? That could at least bring some peace of mind during the worst moments. Sending positive thoughts to you and your baby boy!

Oh honey, I know just what you're going through, that was me this past summer. We got to keep our little girl this time, almost a year after our son Henry died due to birth injuries, but my pregnancy was utter hell. Every moment I was sure she was dead, I spent so much time obsessing that I thought I would literally go insane. I just want you to know you arent alone, you WILL make it, and it is incredibly astronomically rare for something like that to happen again (though I know that doesnt really help -- winning the unlucky lottery once is enough to make you feel as though you will never get lucky again, or ever feel happiness again).
My love,
Mindy

It's SUCH a relief to have a place to talk about this so openly. Out in the "real world" you're not allowed to show concern, and people constantly say "he will be JUST FINE--relax!" It's stupid and unhelpful, but goes right along with the trite "everything happens for a reason" comments we in babylossland must endure.
Fairy-Congratulations on your beautiful little daughter. I LOVE the name Kira!
Susan & B-I'll be hoping for good baby health right along with you. We're all in this together! Those weeks before I could even feel kicks were difficult as well.
Sara-During the earlier weeks I seriously considered a doppler. But I'm too far along, now. A heartbeat alone, sadly, means nothing in regards to baby health. Addison came out with a heartbeat and breathing, and well....it all went to shit. An ultrasound machine on the other hand...hmm...how do you rent one of those? :-)
Mindy-I was right there with you during your pregnancy, even if you didn't know it. It is nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling that I will seriously have to be put in a mental institution by the time this is over (however it ends).

rebecca if i ever win the lottery i will BUY you an ultrasound machine :) and a tech to go with it to be at your beck and call 24-7!

and we should start some kind of retreat for babylost mamas. one where people don't talk shit to us about how next time everything will be fine. one where we can share our fears. i think i actually mean a real-life version of this place. god, wouldn't that be good?

Hi Rebecca,

Hang in there. You can do this.

I too lost my fist son to a cord accident and long story short, I did go to hospital with decreased movement, they monitored me for 2 days and sent me home - I returned a few days later and it was confirmed he died. So I totally understand the anxiety around kicks and movement.

What worked for me was doing kick counts about 2/day. I'd drink some apple juice, lie down and once he got to 10 kicks, I'd try and remember that was a good indication he was doing ok. I also bought a doppler, which I loved, although some people find it more anxiety-producing. For me though, I would do a quick check and relax a little. I used that A LOT. Work helped as a distraction as for 7 hours/day I was occupied and couldn't obsess about movement. I found that if I was concerned at work (without doppler, abiility to lie down for 30 min), I'd take a deep breath, relax and ask the little guy to give me some reassurance and lay my hands on my belly - usually I'd get something within a reasonable amount of time.

Towards the end, (say from week 34) I was getting a little more crazy and would go in for NST's at the hospital about 1/week. The nurses knew me and my story so they were understanding. In my 37th week (the gestional age I lost my son) I kind of went crazier and went daily for NST`s (a very understanding nurse at my hospital arranged it for me). My doctor was also a huge help in that he saw me more frequently throughout the entire pregnancy. He also arranged weekly u/s for me from about week 34.

Do whatever you need to do to get through this - and yes, I often joked about buying an ultrasound machine.

Remember, most babies live (that was my mantra throughout my pregnancy).

Rebecca,

I'm in the same boat right now. My daughter also died of h.i.e, and I'm 26 wks along with another baby. The whole pregnancy has been stressful, and now that I can feel movement, I find it's even more stressful when I don't. My OB has however been amazing, doing extra ultrasounds and he has said whenever I need reassurance just go to the hospital and get checked out. I haven't gone yet, but I really think if you just need to see/hear your baby go in and get checked. It's totally worth it for a little peace of mind (for a little while at least).
Sending you good thoughts for a quick and uneventful rest of your pregnancy.

I'm with all of you, too, and about 29 weeks along. These days, I'm mostly not fearful as much as just not "excited" like I'm supposed to be. I still can't actually picture bringing home a live baby. Everyone asks, "Aren't you excited?" (I try to fake it). Oh, to be that naive, non-baby-loss mom who can be excited and who actually envisions that "sweet baby" we keep hearing about.

The other thing is that everyone (who doesn't know me very well) asks, "is this your first"? I've seen others here talk about this before. I know people are just making conversation, being polite, etc. But what the hell are you supposed to say? Depending on the situation, I say either just "yes" (and cringe), or "well, sort of" or, (if I'm feeling optimistic), "it will be, but it's my third pregnancy." What I want to say is "well, if this baby lives, it will be my first live baby." Every now and then I do say that.

To try to keep sane, I also do the mantra Monique mentioned above, "most babies live, most babies live." And then try to convince myself that maybe it's okay to invest in some baby stuff (we haven't bought anything yet).

Anyway, everyone hang in there, and try, try to "think happy thoughts." :-)

Hi Rebecca, I'm at 24 weeks now and also going a bit mad with monitoring baby movements. It's ironic because our Salome had a good pulse right up until 10 mins before she was born, and it indicated nothing about how poor her health was (she died due to early onset sepsis from e coli). For me baby kicks is something constant I can frett about because I have this floating level of anxiety about this current baby's health. I get stomach cramps and I think the baby is dead. I have a decrease in nausea for 1 hour and I think the baby is dead. I stub my toe and I think the baby is dead. On it goes...

Yesterday I got myself an appointment with an Obst who is covering for my Obst who is away, just because I thought my movements had decreased. He was lovely about it. I'm getting more anxious now because it's a week until the first anniversary of our Salome's birth, so I wouldn't be surpised if I front up requesting an appointment this time next week as well.

I don't believe in statistics anymore either. As our GP said to us last year "It doesn't matter if the odds of this happening are 1 in 60 000. At your house for your daughter the odds were 1." And 1 is a helluvalot, certainly enough to do anyone's head in.

Rebecca and all of the other pregnant mamas, just thinking about you, wishing you peace, loving you and your little ones. <3 <3 <3