Ok, I'll start things off. I'm doing all sorts of worrying here. I'm 14 weeks tomorrow. We had our nuchal translucency test done two weeks ago. And I have yet to hear the results. I plan to call tomorrow if I haven't heard anything. It didn't take this long last time. And I'm hoping it only has to do with New Years and possibly a Christmas backup for the lab. I just want to know everything is ok.
I have two more weeks before my 16 week checkup. I really wish I could go in every two weeks already at this point. I just need to hear a heartbeat and know that everything is ok in there. I'm just worrying a lot that something will go wrong and we'll miss it for 4 weeks. I don't have any reason to believe that other than losing Charlotte is going to have me in a constant state of worry during this pregnancy. There are no guarantees.
I don't want to share our "good news" with anyone else yet. I want to hear those test results. Also, I'm afraid if we tell more people something will go wrong. I feel I will be setting myself up to have to give them bad news again soon. And I'm also afraid that when I tell people about this baby they will forget all about Charlotte. They will not mention her. They will act like I'm ok and "everything will be fine/great this time". I don't know how many times I can hear that before I take someone's head off.

How are you all doing? I know it's a new year, but my heart aches just the same....

i hope you get the results soon susan. i'm not surprised your heart is aching. i'm managing to smile every time someone tells me 'it'll be fine this time!' (i just heard it five minutes ago) but sooner or later i'm going to snap and scream. hopefully it won't be in work.....

i totally feel like every time i tell anyone i'm tempting fate just that little bit harder. that sooner or later i'll tell one too many people or look that little bit too happy about being pregnant again and that will be the day it all falls to pieces.

my last scan was 25 days ago and the next is on thursday. and on saturday last i was on the day of pregnancy we found out it'd gone wrong last time. so this time feels very dangerous. so, so scared we will have bad news. and thursday is so close but it's so, so far away too.

i have a midwife apppointment wednesday but seeing as we have a scan thursday i'm going to ask her not to listen for the heartbeat. it would only make one day's difference if anything is wrong and i think i'd be so stressed if she tried and DID find it, let alone if she tried and it took a little while because it was lying awkwardly or something. i know i'm the polar opposite of most of you but i'm so scared of dopplers. all i can imagine hearing is nothing. i can't imagine it being reassuring, not at all.

good luck to those ttc and peace to those who are pregnant.

oh has frustrated fairy updated her blog?? her c-section was scheduled for today and i can't get on blogs in work :( i hope all has gone well for her.

B and Susan, I was the total opposite. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I started announcing it to the world. My thoughts were that if something were to go wrong this time I would need +++ TLC, understanding and support.
But I do have times when I wish people didn't know, like when they say " this is a different pregnancy it will not end the same way" or other insensitive things.

I am 20 weeks today. Waiting on the c section date to be booked. I should have the date soon. It will be the week of the 16th of May. Just waiting on the exact day.
I had a great US appointment on Friday. We met the Dr who will be following us in the high risk clinic and it couldn't have gone better. She was very empathetic and understanding. Said anytime I was feeling uneasy or just needed to see baby to come right in and she would see me and do an US. Not sure that I will need this but it is reasurring to know it is available.

Hope the New Year is treating people well.

half way natalie, well done. i'm glad your doctor is looking after you.

how is everyone else?

Had my second OB appointment a couple of days ago. I'll be 9 weeks tomorrow. Heart rate was normal but I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. I've had no bleeding and only very mild cramping, which until my appointment, I had chalked up to just normal changes of an expanding uterus. OB isn't too worried about it and just told me to not lift heavy things and when we go on vacation later this week to take it easy. She also added, if you start bleeding red blood before you board the plane don't get on. :(

I am worried. Well, not so much worried as curious as to when the bleeding is going to start. I'm pretty convinced in my core that this pregnancy is going to end in a miscarriage. I was already thinking that before this new bit of news but after reading up on it (mostly from medical journals) I am not holding out hope. SCH increases chance of miscarriage but also abruption and PTL. My own experience with being on the losing end of statistics doesn't really give me any reason to think that this will be any different.

The thought that this may resolve itself and everything may be fine seems like such a stupid thing to believe in right now. I just really don't want to have this pregnancy continue only to end once again in me holding my dead child. I'd much rather suffer through the pain of a miscarriage now than a late term loss later.

I'm sure I sound pretty pathetic right now. I just don't have any more hope left to muster. I also don't have anyone really to talk to about this except my husband (doesn't understand how hopeless I am) and my therapist (who I will see later today). We've only told a couple of people because we have been dreading getting the "Oh Wonderful!!! This pregnancy is going to be different than last time!!! I'm so excited for you!!!!" nonsense.

brianna -

i just wanted to let you know that i had a subchorionic hemorrhage in my last pregnancy with my son (who just turned four months last week and is doing great!!) and it completely resolved itself. like you, i was totally panicked when i learned about it, read up on it on pubmed and had convinced myself of the worst. i actually never bled and when i went in for my 12 week scan, it had resolved on its own.

i know there are no guarantees and having also been on the losing side of statistics (we lost our first, our daughter, due to unforeseen complications during l&d), i know it is hard to believe that things will work out. but i just wanted to share my story in case it might help you.

Brianna,
I can only imagine that my reaction would be the same as yours if I was in your shoes. At the same time, I know of so many women who had SCHs early in their pregnancy and went on to have healthy pregnancies and healthy babies...I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it resolves itself easily and SOON.

B (and the rest of the pregnant mamas out there): I can't imagine my response to the "it'll be fine!" comments. Or, I should probably say, I can't imagine a KIND response to those comments. I have already played out a zillion scenarios in my mind for if I ever get pregnant again, when/if I make "the announcement" and all the warnings/disclaimers I will attach to it, including, "DO NOT CONGRATULATE ME UNTIL I HAVE A HEALTHY SCREAMING BABY IN MY ARMS" and "Do not tell me to relax, calm down, or anything of the like..."

Sending love to all of you. Susan, any further word on your nuchal results? I'm thinking this must be a "no news is good news" type of situation, but still, I hope you got confirmation of that good news today.

afm: Not a whole lot to report. CD19 here. (My longest postpartum cycle yet, which is an accomplishment in and of itself!). Had my progesterone tested today (6 dpo) and it was a lousy 7.9, which had me really bummed. Then I went back and looked at the tests I had run the month I got pregnant with Otis -just coincidentally, I had had my progesterone tested that cycle on CD21 and it was a measly 8.1 and I obviously conceived that cycle too (and CD21 was 8 or 9 dpo I think that month.) So I feel a little better about the number this month. I have read that over 5 on an unmedicated cycle is an okay number so I'm just trying to believe that. Am thinking if I haven't started bleeding by Friday (10 dpo) I'll take a test then. I'd love to just be able to wait, wait, wait and not test until cd 35 or something, but I just don't have the willpower. (So much for my theory that I wanted to wait until I was like 4 weeks late to take a HPT - I thought it would be that much easier to not know - ha!)

In other totally shitty news, my 97 year old granny is in the hospital with a horrible case of pneumonia. They originally thought her heart was failing as well, but now maybe think she was just reacting to the lung medication they originally gave her. She's really out of it and very unhappy to be in the hospital. I am having a lot of PTSD type reactions to being in the hospital - dissociating and panicking and forgetting why I'm there. Not to mention that yesterday when I went to visit I ran into the pregnancy hospital tour and only one elevator was running, so I had to ride in it with like 12 pregnant ladies. When we got to the maternity floor, the tour guide happily announced that there had been a serious baby boom over the weekend and the floor was so busy and bustling! Then on my way out of the hospital, I had to dodge like 12 mamas being wheeled out to go home with their new babes in their arms. Hard enough to watch my gran dying there, but to have to deal with the baby brigade too, it was tough.

I keep thinking that maybe god has a really twisted sense of humor, or I'm being taught some grand lesson about the circle of life, someone dies, someone is born - and having these little nightmare/daydreams that on the day granny dies I will get my bfp. Because lord knows I can't just have something good happen, I'd have to experience something really, really horrible right on top of it too. And similarly, I think that if granny lives, then that somehow means I won't be able to conceive now either. It's all really twisted, I know. And makes no sense, I know.

Sending love to all....

oh sarah i'm so scared that for this baby to live one of our grandparents is going to die. and i remember when i was a teenager and my aunts were having babies it always seemed to correlate with people dying. so i totally understand that.

someone said 'it'll be fine' to me last night, not half an hour after i updated - but it was after a long conversation in which she was really understanding about my fears and how i can't really believe in this pregnancy, so i'm putting it down to 'not knowing how to end the conversation-itis' and forgiving her, just this once :)

brianna, i will be so pissed off (and devastated etc obviously) if i lose this baby after four months or more of pregnancy. the amount of time invested already... i can't explain it very well but i think i understand. early losses suck in new and different ways, but at least you only lost a bit of time and your odds of a healthy pregnancy haven't really declined.

urgh. why isn't this simple for us all????

Hugs to you out there. Hugs and cups of tea.

I'm half way today - 20W. We have our anatomy scan on Thursday and I can't wait. 95% can't wait and 5% dread. What if she (still suspect it's a she but don't know for sure) - what if there's something wrong with her? What if she's not ok but still alive? That's where my head goes 5% of the time. The rest of it I relish in every kick, punch and roll. Tomorrow may change, but right now is ok. I just need to stay in the right now.

Today we got Foster's corner's report results. There's no cause of death which is actually fantastic. It's nothing genetic and there was nothing indicating it was because of the ECVs or anything else we or anyone else did. I feel somewhat vindicated, but also very tired.

It just occurred to me that this is literally my family update. One is alive and the other not, but here's what's going on with them. Sigh.

Anyway - I'm ok, just drained. I'm just trying to love this baby up as much as I can, after all it won't change anything either way.

Sarah H, much love to you on your halfway mark, and hoping all goes well with the anatomy scan. Can't wait to hear if your intuition is right on baby's gender. xo

Sarah N., If only the universe worked that way and something awful happening meant that something good was going to happen. My husband's grandfather passed away on Saturday but it did not mean a BFP for us on Sunday morning. (He had many health issues but was actually doing better in the last 6 months than he had been in years so it was not expected.) I hope your grandmother's health turns around soon.

I had an appointment today with a new gynecologist. and despite my fears, she was very agreeable to me and DH having the basic fertility tests done to see if another 5 cycles of trying even has a chance of working. Now I just have to wait for AF to show up so I can book an appointment for CD3 blood-work. Not that I don't have fantasies of a really late BFP still happening and having to call the dr's office to say, "Oops, turns out it worked after all. Sorry about that." but I'm not counting on it.

Hi everyone, I'm new.
Not new to the sadness we are all experiencing, but new to this kind of sharing. I lost my first baby, a daughter, this past summer. She was full term at 38 weeks and there's no indication of anything that was wrong with her.

I'm pregnant again and will be 9 weeks tomorrow. These early weeks are passing so slowly. I am sharing the news with some "safe" people, people I know won't act like this baby is a replacement for my daughter, people I know won't forget my daughter. But I still dread all the questions and excitement etc. I feel like someone who is very hard to please in this situation.

I wish I was more worried about the 1st trimester screening and all those hoops you jump through initially -- but since the worst thing has already happened to us, I think (as bad as it sounds) that if something goes wrong I will be most frustrated about losing this time...starting this process again.

I am most concerned that I am carrying a boy. I know this sounds selfish or dumb, especially since I didn't hope one way or the other with my first baby, but I feel it will make her death even more punitive -- as if I lost my chance to have a daughter.

I wonder when I will feel connected to this pregnancy, and if I will ever come to see myself as someone who has babies who live. It is the loss of my identity as a healthy person with an uncomplicated pregnancy that is difficult to bear during this time.

Hugs and love to all of you out there. Lola, I don't think you are being hard to please - there just simply isn't a perfect reaction that people can give to news of a subsequent pregnancy. I found those weeks where I wasn't out to every one yet excruciatingly slow - I wasn't ready to tell but my whole world was wrapped up in my fears for this baby.

I'm 33 weeks now and this last week was the anniversary of Micah's loss (at 37 weeks). I don't know how to describe going to the cemetery in the snow, just like last winter, except that I'm enormously pregnant instead of empty. It was hard and I'm still wondering if I'm going to bring this baby home.

The next month or two is going to bring a bunch of decisions that I feel totally unprepared to make. Do we induce early and risk lung problems or cerebral palsy or any of the other risks that come with late-preterm birth? Do we accept that losing Micah was random and unlikely to happen again and wait for 40 weeks? The practice I see has been really helpful about testing and extra checks, but in the end, we have to decide what to do and I'm terrified of making the wrong choice. This pregnancy is textbook perfect so far, but so was my last one.

Turtle and all -- it is hard to make the "right" decision when you made so many of them before and had a devastating result that had nothing to do with right or wrong.

I feel annoyed AND comforted by the extra care I'm receiving with this pregnancy, even though it feels too little too late for the baby I wanted.

We will be encouraged to induce anytime after 37 weeks. Is this what your practitioners recommend? I will be going twice a week at 32 weeks for monitoring. I guess I wonder how you will feel as you grow closer to the decision making time.

I will be thinking of you all as you negotiate these times waiting for your beloved babies' siblings!

Hi All, I am sorry to say I've only had time to skim read everyone's news this week. I wanted to say hello to Lola though. Lola I am so sorry your daughter died and that you find yourself here. A lot of what you wrote above sounds familiar to me from my own experiences earlier on in my current pregnancy. I agree with Turtle: you are certainly not being hard to please. It is a socially awkward (sic) situation, and it's not your fault that well meaning people say clumsy things. I myself didn't start telling people about this pregnancy until about week 15 / 16, when it was so obvious my not talking about it was making people uncomfortable! I ended up telling a lot of people via email so I didn't have to cop their 'excited' routine.

I also wanted to hop on to say hello to Maddie if she's out there. Maaaaaaaaddie! Are you theeeeeeere? Are you and yours OK? I might be wrong but I seem to remember Maddie is from Queensland, and 1/3 of that state is currently declared a disaster zone due to flooding. See here for more info if you're interested:

http://www.abc.net.au/emergency/flood/

Anyone else here from Queensland Australia I am thinking of you. No contact from Maddie might not be any indication of concern: I imagine a lot of that state is without power at present (and without sewage services and without clean water etc etc).

AFM, 23 weeks at present and all is well so far. I have got my first day back at my brain injury work over and done, and it wasn't hideous.

BTW, has anyone else seen the movie 'Tangled'? There is a scene in it where the king and queen who had baby Rapunzel snatched away from them light a lantern to commemorate Rapunzel's 18th birthday, and as it floats into the air other people in their kingdom light one too and all the lanterns lift up into the night. I was sobbing in the movie theatre, much to my 6 years old's embarrassment. It was the other people lighting the laterns that got me, such a public sign of continued support for a set of bereaved parents. Wouldn't we all want that sometimes.... We have the first anniversay of our Salome's death coming up in a few weeks. I don't know what will be harder, the day of her birth or the day of her death 2 1/2 days later. I might start a separate thread on the 'one and all' section to get suggestions.

Love to all, I am thinking of you, just feeling overly busy and stressed and hot.

Susan: I hope you got your results back from the lab and that it was all good news. I'm sorry that you've had to wait that extra time and it must have increased your anxiety. I'm surprised that I haven't bitten my own tongue in half yet, the number of people who have told me that it will be fine this time. I know it is kindly meant but it makes me want to scream.
B: Thinking of you today and tomorrow especially as you go to your appointments. I hope that everything goes well and that you can get a little reassurance.
Natalie: I'm so glad you have a more understanding doctor (the previous one didn't sound very understanding at all) and that you had a good US.
Brianna: I'm so sorry. I had a blood clot early on in this pregnancy (not sure of the precise definition of an SCH so it might be something different) and it was awful. I had a bright red bleed and, even when you know what is going on and that it isn't necessarily anything bad, it is still not at all what you want to see whilst you are pregnant. The bleed I had did resolve itself within less than 24 hours (so it IS possible) but I know that it is hard to shake off that fear of being on the sharp end of the statistics every single time. Please email me any time if you want to 'talk'.
Sarah N.: I always told myself that I would wait as it would be easier not to know but I don't think that I ever managed longer than a day or two, despite my aspirations to the four weeks of your post! I'm so sorry to read about your granny and it must have been awful being back in the hospital and being confronted by that baby boom. Just awful. I don't think I'll ever walk along a hospital corridor with the feeling that my feet are firmly planted on the floor ever again.
Sarah H.: I hope that your anatomy scan goes well tomorrow. Although I wish you had never had to deal with such an issue, I am glad that Foster's coroner results are in agreement with what you feel happened.
Cara: Sorry to hear about your husband's grandfather and I'm glad you've found a doctor that you are happy with. I hope that getting agreement for the testing helps a little. I know that, during my own fab almost year of ttc, I just wanted to DO something.
Lola: I'm so sorry for the loss of your little girl. You aren't being hard to please, it is a very difficult situation. I didn't tell anyone until it was glaringly obvious that I was pregnant (about 18 weeks) and it was too awkward not to mention it. All because of the reasons that you have described.Your concerns about this baby being a boy don't sound selfish or dumb to me. I think that it is a very confusing issue and I know it is something that has worried me a great deal more this time around than it did in my first pregnancy. And that loss of the sense of yourself as a 'healthy' person, I certainly feel that way myself.
turtle: I hope that Micah's anniversary passed peacefully for you. I cannot imagine how you must have felt during that visit to the cemetry.
Sophia: Glad that your first day back at work wasn't too hideous, I guess that's the best you can hope for under the circumstances. I've heard about that scene in Tangled, I don't think it is out here in the UK yet, but it is good to have advance warning. I know I will cry too.
Maddie and anyone else from Queensland: I do so hope you are all safe. The coverage on the news looks very scary.
afm: 22 weeks and frightened. I can't seem to summon up any confidence that this pregnancy will be any longer than my first at the moment. Hopefully the next few weeks will pass, this feeling of hopelessness will pass and I will look back to this post in a month's time and wonder what I was making such a fuss about.

Sending love to all of you ladies.

A sad welcome to you, Lola. I am so sorry about that loss of your daughter... am wishing you all of the best on your new journey.

Sophia, it is so funny that you mention "Tangled." I was a blubbering mess at all parts that dealt with her parents. I am not ashamed to admit that, when they were reunited, I had this fantasy. What if my daughter actually lived and was snatched away somewhere? What if there was a way that I could see her again one day, all grown up? Alas, they call that magical thinking. But that fantasy made me feel good for a few hours. I'll take what I can get.

Maddie, hoping you are okay.....

Beth, if you are out there, please update us. I want to hear that you are okay after your last post.....

By the way, Brianna, I wanted to comment about your SCH. As others have said, they are so common and often resolve themselves. I've known people that have had large ones that have bled for long periods of time... and their babies were okay. I know that it is hard not to worry, but your situation sounds extremely manageable.

I am wishing you some peace today, mama.

Oh, Steph, thank you for asking. I am actually doing very well -- all the rest I got last week really helped, so I am now pretty sure that it's just been round ligament pain. I also read some old journal entries from my first (uneventful) pregnancy, and it turns out that I was a sobbing wreck from round ligament pain by 22 weeks that time, too. That was good for me to remember, that sometimes pregnancy just hurts and it does not mean anything ominous.

I have a scan today to check my cervix length and fluid levels. I hope I don't get blindsided by bad news, because my husband is not able to make it to this one. I am also hoping very hard that I don't have to walk the usual Wednesday morning gauntlet of abortion protesters, because last time they had me sobbing by the time I got to the elevator. I wish there were a back entrance.

Pregnant mamas, I am so sorry for all of the worries and uncertainties that we are all going through. Brianna, I add to the chorus: I also had a SCH in my first pregnancy; in my case it did not even lead to external bleeding, and it resolved on its own. I hope you get some reassurance soon.

Do you think we should start a dedicated discussion thread to talk about gender? I have some things to say about that, since we are having a girl after losing a boy, but I also know that those discussions were really hard for me to read when all I wanted was a healthy baby of any stripe and it seemed like that was an impossibility. I know there is an older thread about fears in this regard, but I was thinking for those of us who are pregnant, have found out the gender, and are in the midst of processing.

So much love to all of you. And always thinking of those still waiting for that positive pregnancy test.

frustrated fairy has updated her blog to say she's had a healthy baby girl and all is well. i'm so relieved, i was starting to feel sick with worry :)

I was home yesterday thanks to some snow and ice here. The nurse called and said the test results were normal. So big sigh of relief for now. Two more weeks before another checkup.
Lola, I'm sorry for your loss but I'm glad you've found your way here. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. I have had many of the same concerns and thoughts that you are having. I lost my daughter and I really want this baby to be a girl too. My sister said "don't you want this one to be a boy?". I guess I should be happy with any living, healthy baby. My husband doesn't understand how I could feel so strongly about this.
Brianna, I'm sorry that you've gotten this scare that has you so worried. I hope the others are right and that it works itself out. I will be thinking of you!
Good luck to those still TTC and good luck to those getting scans soon. I hope they all bring you good news. Thinking of you all.
I thought hearing my good test results would allow me to open up and share my news with more people. I still feel guarded. I'm not sure I'm trying to "hide" it. I may suck in my stomach at work and wear a lot of scarfs. My mom mentioned "I didn't realize you weren't telling people". I told her I just wasn't going out of my way to put it out there. Like making some grand announcement online or at work. Only a select chosen few have been told. And that's what I'm comfortable with for now. I've even held my grandma off from telling her entire family, much to her disappointment.

Hi, I am also new here but have been lurking. I have been afraid to post but feel like I should introduce myself. You all are in my thoughts. I am currently in my first cycle TTC after losing my daughter Bea in October. Trying to remain calm.

Just wanted to say thank you all for the encouraging words. It is very helpful to me, truly. I read through everyone's update and I want to say that I am thinking about you guys -all the ups and the downs. Also, a sad but very warm welcome to Lola and Jill. I'm sorry that you need to be here (for obvious reasons) but glad that you found this place.

Another sad and warm welcome to Lola and Jill. I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughters. (I lost my daughter Pearl in June at 36 weeks).

(I'm not very good at the notes to everyone, but a few quick ones before I forget!).
Glad you're doing well, Beth - thanks for checking in. Brianna, I'm sorry about the scare but I'm glad the reassuring stories are helpful. Catherine, I'm so sorry you're so scared right now, and I hope the next few weeks (and months!) pass uneventfully.

Over here, I finally have a bit of good news to share - a smiley face on my OPK! Did I already share that the ultrasound last week came back clear? That was good news too. Anyway, I'm pleased to have some good news, and I think the acupuncture is helping. Trying to remain calm (and have plenty of sex!) and allow myself to feel hopeful without driving myself nuts. Whew.

Sending love and peace to you all. xoxo

I'm here and we're OK - only just jumped on to read as my SIL and her husband are staying with us because their house is flooded. They've lost a bit of stuff but are just grateful they and everyone else we know here is safe. There's some terrible things starting to come out now and all I can think about is the terror of being in a situation like that and being unable to save your children. Thanks for thinking of us.

Lola and Jill I'm so sorry you're here.

From above (sorry I can't remember who these are addressed too):
* I didn't tell people I was pregnant until after 20 weeks and only then if I saw the person so couldn't avoid it. I told them via email first and let them know that I was very anxious about it. Telling them via email cut down on a bit of the 'Oh wow you must be so excited!' response that I just couldn't deal with at all.

* I had Max via c-section at 37 weeks due to my anxiety (Matilda had a rare genetic syndrome we knew was random so). I had steroid shots the day beforehand and his lungs were fine and he was able to come straight to my room with me after recovery.

* I didn't feel connected the pregnancy for a long time - way past 20 weeks.

* I feel sad sometimes that pregnancy is always going to be such a fraught, difficult thing for me. I worry for my pregnant friends as well. But I'll take that to have Max here safely.

Sending love and hugs to everyone.

Maddie x

i'm at work so can't really update but just wanted to say that my scan was fine this afternoon and the baby is doing well and measuring right on target. got to see a lovely doctor as well who basically said that guidelines are *only* guidelines, not protocols, and to tell anyone who tries to tell me different that he says they are wrong! he has put me down for scans at 28 and 32 weeks and made a note on my records to say that if i am anxious and phone up that i can just ask for a scan. at first he said not every week but then he added 'well, if you need it, every week.' i honestly can't sing the praises of this hospital enough, they have bent over backwards to make sure i'm ok and feel secure and comfortable, or at least as much as i can do.

so only another 3 weeks to get to the 20 week scan and the next hurdle, and then only a month to get to viability. i know that in a few days that might seem like forever away, but right now it doesn't seem very long at all :)

luck and love to everyone. i'll reply properly later xx

B, so happy for you, that your scan went well, and that you're getting such great care from your doctors and the hospital. I've been reassured by my OB that if/when I get pregnant again, I will have access to frequent scans to calm my mind as well.

cd1 for me today. 22 day cycle. dammit. going in for bloodwork on saturday and hsg and hysteroscopy to be scheduled for next week.

thank you sarah :) i was so relieved to get such a great dr. when he came in i thought he was going to be unsympathetic, but he was so lovely i almost cried :)

i'm sorry you're on cd1 again :( i have everything crossed for you for this month.

wow sarah h, halfway. how was your scan today? i hope all was well. so glad the report came back from Foster and it was clear. that must be a relief.

i'm so sorry about your husband's grandad Cara :( i'm glad the gynae was good to you. i think if you get pregnant this month it will be the same as the gap between loss and second pregnancy for us so i am hoping so hard it is your month. waiting SUCKS.

i'm so sorry you are here lola, but glad you've found your way to this corner of the woods. would you like to tell us your daughter's name? i can absolutely understand the feeling about being upset at the time wasted if anything went wrong. from about 6 weeks i felt the same way. the boy/girl thing is hard... i never got to find out what i lost, and in some ways i think that makes it easier for me. i hope that if it does turn out to be a boy you can find some peace in that.

turtle, wow, i can't believe you're at 33 weeks. amazing. i'm sorry i hadn't realised it was micah's anniversary. it must have been so hard. i'm starting to worry about those kinds of things myself; 'before' i always expected that my first baby would be late, but i'm pretty sure that if i go over 40 weeks i'll become a basket case. and last time i only got to 17 weeks, so it must be so much harder having lost your dear micah at 37 weeks. i hope the medical staff are supportive as you come to a decision about what to do.

sophia i had my first experience of someone looking at me and saying 'i didn't know you were pregnant!' yesterday. such an odd feeling. she asked if it was my first, and i couldn't think of any answer but the truth, and she was nice about it, so it could have been worse i guess. but i suppose it's going to happen more and more from hereonin.

i'm glad work was ok. must be a relief. and do post about salome's anniversary so i can remember her on her days.

catherine i'm more confident for you than i am for myself :) how are things? is your cervix still behaving? are they looking after you? i so hope so.

how are things going with you steph?

beth how was your scan? i hope any news was good. thinking of you, and i'm glad the rest helped. and yes, i'd like to talk about gender! do start that thread....

susan i'm glad your test results were normal. there's no need to tell anyone before you're ready. anyone with manners will wait until you mention it even if they have guessed, at least that was my experience. i did the wearing a lot of scarves thing too, but at least three people in work had guessed before i told them (and i told them at like 9 weeks as i needed them to know why my head wasn't on straight!).

jill i'm so sorry you lost your daughter, but so glad you have found your way here. Bea is a lovely name. i'm so sorry she's not here with you. good luck with ttc.

YAY to the smiley face M! also very glad your ultrasound came back clear, good news. fingers all crossed for you.

i'm so glad you're OK maddie. must be so stressful. i'm glad your SIL and her DH are safe.

whew i think that's everyone. so sorry if i've missed anyone out. love to everyone out there including all those who are just reading. i wish you all luck and love x

B - YAY for a good experience and a good scan.

Sending love to everyone else.

Scan went well today. The babe is right on dates, everything is looking good, and we found out that despite my deep compulsion that the babe was a girl, we're in fact having a boy. Another son - something I wasn't sure I'd ever get the privilege of again. I'm a little fearful to be honest, but will work through it.

Right now I just feel like I need to focus on this baby and this pregnancy. Foster is gone and nothing will change that. I have very little control over any of this, other than to watch my health and well-being, and so I'm going to give this little man all I can. He deserves it as did his brother.

Anyway, all is good, even if there are occasional bouts of crazy. But that's life.

thank you all, for your warm and thoughtful welcomes. I look forward to getting to know you through this next journey. This blog was recommended to me just after coming home from the hospital in August, but to be honest, I had such a hard time seeing anyone else sharing my similar story. It was as if I wanted to believe that it wasn't real and that one day I would wake up and I wouldn't be part of such a community after a low-profile and drama-free pregnancy.

For the same reason I waited to attend a SAND meeting (support after neonatal death) and now feel I cannot go back since I am pregnant. It is just too hard to have new people coming in every few weeks losing babies at all weeks and hearing their stories.

The last of my "baby club" babies is to be born next week. This was a group of half a dozen friends or so who, along with me, were all expecting babies within a 6 month period. Everyone else so far has taken home healthy babies. I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess I am a little. Our babies were every bit as deserving of the life they were ready to live!

PS - Sophia and Steph: I too randomly saw Tangled at a free screening (I have no other children) and had the same emotions with the parents and the lanterns and her return. There was a passing moment when I believed that I would be reunited with my daughter in 18 years.

Welcome to Jill and Lola - so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughters. I lost my first child, my daughter, last year April at full term (can't get used to saying that yet...not THIS year, but LAST year...life just carries on around us, the year just keep rolling on). Thinking of you both, so sorry that you find yourself here and hope you get great comfort from this amazing group of women.

Sending lots of love to everyone - sorry for not responding individually.

Things are fine on my side. 17 weeks now and so far so good. Next appointment is in 2 weeks for the big scan...and also to find out if it's a girl, or not a girl. Feels like those are the 2 options right now...I had got used to the idea of expecting a girl, I was ready for a girl. Trying to focus on just wanting a healthy baby. I was going to start prenatal yoga last week, and unfortunately the best place in our area was where I went during my previous pregnancy. I was all ready and about to leave the house, when I had an emotional meltdown thinking about going back to that same environment, feeling so very different this time round. So sat at the front door in tears instead. Maybe next week I'll actually get to the Yoga center.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. My daughter Beatrice (Bea) was stillborn in October due to a heart defect. When first diagnosed we were hopeful that she would survive, but her heart started failing at around 26 weeks, when she was much too small for heart surgery, and four weeks later we lost her.

My OB recommended we TTC right away, so here I am, on CD21 of my first cycle, emotionally a mess but trying anyway. I think I ovulated at around the "normal" time, but I just started charting so I'm not sure. My only other pregnancy was a missed miscarriage/molar pregnancy in 2009. Both times we conceived within the third cycle, so I'm hopeful (knock on wood!) it will happen quickly again. I will be 40 next month.

Thinking of you all and sending love.

I'm 26 wks, plodding along slowly. Baby's moving lots, which is good. My OB's been great, very supportive and doing extra monitoring and ultrasounds, so we'll get to see baby again in a couple weeks. Feeling cautiously optimistic this week and trying to hold on to that for as long as possible.

Jill, welcome - though I'm so sorry you have to be here. And I'm so very sorry for the loss of Bea. My firstborn son, Otis, died in September 36 hours after his birth due to brain damage from oxygen deprivation during labor and delivery. I turned 39 in November and am facing some of the same "don't wait" urgency from my OB and medical team. If you ever want to chat about the trickiness of aging without a living child (though perhaps you have living children, I don't know) and TTC with that sense of urgency, I'd love to talk... otisamongus AT gmail dot com...

(The same goes for anyone else in the "geriatric ttc club")

All my CD3 bloodwork has come back normal so far. I go in for the HSG on Friday. I'm going to push my RE to put me on progesterone supps for after I ovulate this month, as the low progesterone seems to be the only red flag in all my blood work right now. I had forgotten, but I was using an OTC progesterone cream when I conceived Otis; mostly for PMS. I know the levels of an OTC aren't that substantial, but maybe it was enough to give him time to implant and then the progesterone production of pregnancy kicked in.

We leave for Maui in two weeks; I will have just ovulated if all goes according to my usual timing - which means no chance for conceiving there, just a chance that the trip could be monsooned by my emotional turbulence when the PMS kicks in and when a bfn leads to bleeding....*sigh* (feeling a little sorry for myself this morning)

Hoping everyone else is doing well. xo