I know I've mentioned work a few (hundred) times in our decision to put off ttc for awhile.

(Yet) another upheaval - my boss resigning very, very, very unexpectedly - has thrown things again. We were comfortable waiting, especially as I am beginning to lose weight (10 pounds down so far! Only . . . oh, 100+ to go! Ideally I'd like to be under 300 pounds before I am pregnant again). We have made good progress with our debt, and are seeing light at the end of the tunnel. We start talking about ttc again even this winter (ideally having all our expenses hit in a calendar year, given the necessity of the cerclage and increased monitoring, etc). Then this.

A new person in that job, while we are downsizing, while budget cuts continue, who doesn't know the history of the messes I (and my colleagues) inherited . . . a new person who won't necessarily have our back as my boss did (for all that I've been irritated over the past couple of months). . . it's scary.

I am so frustrated right now, because I *want* to ttc. I desperately want to have another baby, a chance at a living baby, and I feel like it's starting to slip away. It's not rational or logical (I'm 30, working towards better health, nothing untreatable was found in my tests a year ago). Logic and rationality say that while things are so uncertain and unstable, the best thing we can do for ourselves is continue on the path we are on. Wait. Lose weight. Pay off the debt. Concentrate on work.

And I'm seeing 2011 already slipping by without a child. . . another year without a child. We were supposed to have started in 2007. Our first planned pregnancy was to have been born in June 2009. And now I'll be entering 2012 *hoping* to have a baby.

I'm not doing so well at shaking off the should have beens today. I'm tired of missing my son, I'm tired of my friends starting for their second or third children while I'm still trying for my first living child. I'm tired of waiting, of negatives, of wondering of uncertainty.

I just want to cry, and I can't. I'm sorry I haven't been here much (beyond reading). I just feel so tired and empty. There isn't much left after work and home to give to anyone else these days.

I'm so sorry Eliza. I wish I had something encouraging to say. Sometimes (it seems like often for those of us surviving the death of a child) life is just one soul crushing event after another. I hope you find some relief and rest soon in the midst of all the drama going on at work.

I also wanted to congratulate you on losing the ten pounds. Weight loss is incredibly difficult and your weight loss is an accomplishment.

Eliza,
I'm so sorry. I want to echo what Brianna said, that losing ten pounds is an accomplishment to be proud of! Like you, I just keep telling myself that no matter what, no matter how hopeless I feel from moment to moment, there are certain things I do "just to 'keep on keeping on'" if that makes any sense - eating well, exercising, washing my face, going to work, saving money, etc.

My therapist and I have spent some good time recently also with me working on my self-imposed deadlines of dates and years meaning something more than they are. She does this thing with me of "OK, so you want your baby born this year. Would it make a difference if that baby was born on January 1 of next year or Dec 31 of this year?" (No., though I do hear about expenses and calendar years, but hopefully you see my point?)) And then we extrapolate from there, a week in each direction, a month in each direction. I am coming to be less tied to actual dates of "It must happen by ________" and moving towards holding hope that it's GOING to happen, I just don't know the how-when-where of it all just yet. And so, I keep on keeping on - exercising, eating right, taking vitamins, saving money, being gentle and kind with myself...some days are much easier than others to remember this.

Sending love...

I think I ran out of hope awhile ago. Perhaps that is why it seems so bleak right now. Ironically, I'm (finally) starting to get caught up and a little more comfortable in this new position. Don't seem to have crises everyday, getting closer to being in the routine I'd established in my previous position (the deadlines are the same), starting to initiate changes and work on cleaning things up.

So naturally my boss quits and everything is thrown in the air. I'm so fucking tired of the uncertainty we've been under for almost a year now. No end in sight, since we got hit by the recession later than the rest of the country.

I think it bothers me to feel like it's out of my hands (not that it ever was in my hands), to feel bound by all the uncertainty and change. Meanwhile, I get older and older and further and further away from the remains of the dreams we used to have.

How tiresome. I bore myself with it at this point.

Oh Eliza. I'm so sorry for all the should have beens, for the situation at work, for the loss of your beautiful boy, for all of it.

I've always felt that, if there was one area of my life I could feel as though I had little a control, I could just focus on that part. It's impossibly hard when it feels as though EVERY aspect of your life is out of your hands. It is very hard not to feel defeated and hopeless.

Also wanted to say congrats on the weight loss, that's brilliant. What you say yourself is true, you ARE working (damn hard) towards better health and that has to be a good thing for you as well as for any future pregnancy.

You and Gabriel are in my thoughts xo

Eliza,

You have been so supportive of so many of us as we all found this place. We will gladly return that support no matter what the source of your struggles. I wish I could offer more than words and find some way to make the situation at work just resolve itself so you could concentrate on taking care of yourself and preparing to ttc. (Good job on the weightloss, any positive changes deserve praise.) Any time you need to vent, we are all here to listen.

Eliza,

I'm so sorry. Wishing there were more I could do than offer those words. I understand how much you miss your boy and how you wish things were just so different.

For what it's worth, bravo on the hard work you've been doing, working your ass off at a job that sounds frustrating (to say the least), losing weight and focusing on your goals - that's not easy in the midst of grief and you're doing it.

Hang in there, sister. xoxo

I'm so glad to hear from you, my dear friend. I also want to say way to go for losing 10 lbs and trying to get healthy. My propensity for eating french fries when I'm feeling badly is really hurting my desire to lose weight as well.

On a serious note, I'm am so, so, so sorry that you are having to walk this path where you are a mom without your precious boy in your arms. It's just not as it should be. Not at all. I wish I had the perfect thing to say to make it all better...but of course I know that there is nothing I can say to take away your pain.

But I will listen and cry with you and remember Gabriel with you. Many hugs, dear.

Eliza, I wish I had something to say that would take away your pain because, lord knows, when I first joined these boards, much of what you said made me feel so much better. I seem to be struggling to find the right words lately, but I wanted to say that I am sorry you feeling this way. I know that, sometimes, it is hard to see the positive, but you have accomplished so much, all in the midst of grief.

I am wishing you much calm and peace.

Sweet Eliza- I too am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I wish I had words that would bring you the comfort and clarity you deserve right now. It is wonderful that you are accomplishing some of your goals- you can be very proud of yourself. I know how hard it is to find anything about life after the death of a baby as 'perfect', but I hope that you might fond some moments of beauty and grace that help move you in this direction.

No matter what your decisions about the future, know that you have as much support here as you have given. I am very grateful....

So sorry Eliza. I find myself even at this early stage counting months and years, wondering when, how, if it'll ever happen again, worrying about waiting, etc. The uncertainty of it is unnerving and stress from the place you spend most of your waking hours probably makes it that much more terrible. Congrats on your ten pounds, even five is an awesome accomplishment. I've started on a path to lose 90 pounds (ack, those high numbers seem so insurmountable) so if you ever feel like conversing about such things you can email me at slang4d@hotmail.com.

Best of luck to you and yours on your journey.