Hi ladies,
Its Monday in my part of the world. I'm ignoring the fact that its a New Year.

Afm, ttc this month, cd16, goodness its hard work! just happened the last time, no such luck now. Hb thinks its hilarious its the year of the rabbit because that's what we've been doing the past few days! Obsessed I'm becoming obsessed with ttc, meh.

How is everyone?

Seb (formerly Oct2010)

Good luck, Seb!

Sarah N, thanks for your comments about the last thread. I also like the symmetry of 1/1/11 but trying not to focus on it since all the other little numbers/dates I like don't turn out to mean anything. Good luck with your RE this week. (Leslie, aren't you seeing an RE, too?).

My hopeful update is that this period is not like the last few weird ones! Those were extremely heavy, and this one is way more like my normal flow. That makes me hopeful that the acupuncture has been working and perhaps my ovulation has already returned! Fingers crossed.

Fingers crossed M!!!!! And good luck seb!!!!

I am like CD11, should ovulate soon, gonna give it a try but believe it or not I am actually NOT that obsessed with it. Which is very unlike me. Perhaps this will translate into a bfp and a sticky baby??? We shall see. Either way, yay me for sticking to my "chill out" 2011 resolution!!!

M that's good news about your period. Keely, what's your secret with the 'chill out' vibe? How did you do it? And can you send some my way? : ) And good luck Seb, and here's hoping the year of the rabbit brings reproductive success to all our households. Go Little Cosmic Bunny, GO!

I'm week 22, physical health up and down but nothing concerning, just low blood pressure resulting in head-aches, dizziness, increased nausea and weird tiredness like being hit by a truck.

I go back to my permanent job next week and I am nervous about that. It's as a psychologist with a service for people with acquired brain injuries. Having watched our daughter die with a brain injury I am nervous about having to read clinical reports about brain injury acquisition, and offering counselling to people with an acquired brain injury. I'm going to have to really watch my step with my self-care. I'm also nervous about just being back on site again, as last time I was there I was very pregnant. And I'll be going back at 23 weeks.... groundhog day!

Sooooo glad the festy season is over.

Happy New Year to everyone. I hope the festive season was as kind as it could be to all. I haven't posted for awhile now, but have been on regularly catching up on everyone and staying connected. I know it is often said in this forum, but I'm going to say it again...the amount of support and comfort I get from my connection with this "place" is immeasurable. As we move into 2011, cosmically beautifully the year of the rabbit, I want to start by saying thanks.

Seb, M and Keely - sending all the required positive vibes your way!
Sophia - good luck going back to your job. What a tough tough hurdle you have ahead of you. I hope that this in some way presents an opportunity for further healing. I often think that is the most we can hope for as we are presented with hurdle after hurdle in our attempt to keep moving forward.

As for me, 15+4 weeks and ok. Just ok. (Remembering back to that wonderful post about KPI's - and thinking for me, OK is pretty bloody good right now!). Having lost my perfectly healthy daughter at full-term for no identifiable reason, I have a long long and anxious road ahead of me. As much as I want this pregnancy, nothing could've prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster. I've already had about 5 scans (yep paranoid mother, that's me!), and I have the most attentive and dedicated team assembled to support us through this. But still...one day at a time. I'm finding it especially hard to articulate these emotions and feelings to even my absolute best friends. And as a result often left feeling very alone.

Thinking of you all, and am laughing and crying with you!
xxx

hi all,
back from the RE.

The good news: she saw LOTS of follicles and enthusiastically said it looks like I have "great eggs" and said it looked like I had *just* ovulated (and basically instructed us to run home and do the deed...) She said there's no reason to wait for two more cycles to try to get pregnant, that we should try as soon as we're ready (and surprisingly, my husband was the one who was more excited by that than I was!) So, we're all in. Raced home and jumped back into bed and said all sorts of silly little wish prayers before during and after. Before the appointment, we blew dandelions on our morning walk this morning and all I wished for was a healthy and happy future. No specifics. Lately I've been feeling more and more like what I really want to focus on is the love he and I share - and being happy and fulfilled in THAT, since that is here and true and in the present moment. Trying not to get ahead of myself and play the "when we can ttc, when I get pregnant, when I have a baby, when I...THEN I will be happy" game. Trying to find the beauty in the moments we've got right here, right now.

But back to the medical specifics: Today is CD14. I go to have progesterone tested in three days. Then, next steps will depend on if I conceive(d) this time or not. If I don't, then we'll do a hysteroscopy and hsg after my next period. She also wants to do a full battery of tests on cd3 of the next cycle - thyroid, fsh, lh, on and on and on. A lot of the tests she says are standard for pregnancy loss and even though I technically don't fall into that category since we know what happened with Otis and it wasn't due to immune issues or MTHFR or clotting (forgive me if I sound stupid I don't know the details of all those tests) she still wants to run them to see if I am at any risk for (predictable? preventable?) loss this time around.

I dreamt about Otis last night, and it was the first time he was (sort of) alive in the dream. It was like I knew he was going to die, but somehow he was actually still there and still alive with us. And his eyes were open. I got to see his eyes. I got to see what he looked like with life in his eyes. It was amazing. (I then went on to dream that I was at the RE's office and she said, "I'm sorry your other endocrinologist isn't here anymore," and I said, "I haven't ever seen an endocrinologist" and she said, "Oh, then you're not going to have any trouble getting pregnant! Let's go the buffet!" and we walked into her office's holiday party buffet and all we had brought to share was a bag of our dog's food (which looks kind of like meatloaf, we feed him these raw beef patties) and we sat down and I ate the dog food. Wacky.)

Thanks for letting me ramble. And keep your fingers crossed that, at the very least, if I don't get pregnant this month, that I at least have a somewhat normal length cycle - preferably 36 to 28 days instead of the 15 I've had the last few months?)

Thinking of all of you....with love and care and hope...

My husband seems convinced that I am going to get pregnant this month. We had sex two days ago, three days ago, four days ago, and again this morning, so we covered many bases on that front. I am much more reluctant to be hopeful. But I am enormously relieved that at least it looks like I ovulated and she liked all the follicles and eggs she saw.

So for now, I'm going to try to be (cautiously) optimistic.

Bad editing on my super long post above. Sorry. I really need to start being more careful on my posts here - I drive myself crazy when I reread them.

Sarah N: I also drive myself absolutely crazy when I re-read anything I've posted here! It hasn't completely deterred me though as you may have noticed, wry smile.
I am so very glad to read your news and it's great that everything looks good. My fingers are tightly crossed for you.Your dream about Otis sounds amazing. I'm glad you got to see his eyes open, even if only in a dream. No idea about the second part though!
Cath: Glad that everything is going okay, you must be very anxious. I'm off for my fifth scan this week so I can provide you with some competition in the paranoid mother stakes. I'm glad you've got a great team to support you.
Sophia: Thinking of you as you prepare to return to work next week. It must be incredibly difficult to go back to the same place of work, let alone to have to deal with the medical details that you have to read about as part of your job. I hope it all goes as smoothly for you as it possibly can and that the less welcome physical symptoms ease.
Keely: Yay for you! Good luck.
M: That surely has to be a good sign? Hopefully your body has just been adjusting back to a more regular cycle?
Seb: I'm hoping that the year of the rabbit will be auspicious for all you ladies ttc here!
Beth: If you're reading, just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you. I hope the past week and the week to come pass peacefully for you. I can only imagine that they will be particularly tough ones.
afm: 21 weeks and counting. Just wish I knew how many days I still had left to count.
Hopefully still many to come, fingers crossed.

Thanks for thinking of me, Catherine. It's been a pretty rough week -- we passed our big milestone on Sunday. I woke up feeling physically great that day, but then by that night I could not walk or even stand without assistance. Lots of contractions on Monday. I think it is less ominous than that sounds -- the pain in my groin really seems to be ligament pain, just from overdoing it, and the contractions go away if I take it easy and drink lots of water. Still, it took the shine off of passing that milestone. Because we could so easily still lose her ... we have weeks to go until viability.

I can't remember if I posted this here, but we also got the written report from our preconception consultation with the perinatologist last May, and she assessed our chances of recurring PPROM/preterm labor at 25%. We had no idea it was that bleak.

Anyway. I have been reading along and cheering. I know you are in your scary time, too, Catherine. And Sophia, too. Also thinking of B. and Cath.

M., Keely, seb, and others still in the TTC trenches: I am hoping so hard for New Year's pregnancies for you. Babies for everybody in 2011.

I've realised I've got Post Natal Depression.

Again.

It's even worse with no baby. Bleh.

Merry that truly sux. That's awful. I hope you get some good support immediately, and that you have good support for as long as you need it.

Merry, that does truly suck, and feels so unfair on top of "it all" (and I hate boiling it down to a phrase as stupid as "it all" so I hope it doesn't read as me being insensitive or trying to downplay your experience.)

For me, having dealt with depression in the past (and having medicated it, and not medicated it) I do think it has given me some perspective, to recognize what is depression knocking at the door and what is grief. Since Otis died, I've had a little depression, a lot of grief. A few weeks ago it felt like I was sinking into depression, not grief. I double-dosed my therapy sessions, saw my acupuncturist, ate healthy, got lots of sleep, tried to exercise, and thankfully, the sun came out (literally and figuratively speaking.) Right now I'm keeping the depression at bay-ish, while letting the grief wash through and over me. But I see how easily the depression could take over, as well.

Do you have support? Are you thinking of meds, of therapy, of other ways of treating it?

Sending you much love.

I've always used meds, or got pregnant. I had PND with 3 of my 4 girls.

I can't use meds since I'm ttc-ing and not comfortable with the idea, so I am going to have to try and be grown up about it and make myself better. I'd been taking lots of vitB which I think had helped but stopped taking it in a strop. I've restarted.

Now I have to figure out how to reduce life to a point of being able to cope. I blogged about all the ins and outs, got lots of suggestions and came to the conclusion I have no options at all to make life easier.

So I'm going to have to try and be creative. And very grown up. :(

Oh Merry, to be honest reading that made my heart sink. Please please please be very gentle with yourself. It's not my place to get pinnikety about the language you're using, but I would hate to think that you are judging yourself to be immature because you've got PND. There is nothing immature about PND! Maybe I'm reading what you wrote wrong, I just would hate to think that you are expecting yourself to be able to grab yourself by the collar and drag yourself out of PND by willpower alone. You've been through PND before and you know much more about PND than i do, I'm sure you know the terrain.

I'm sorry if that sounds condescending. It's your experience, and of course your language is the right language to talk about your experience. I just hope you are able to hold your poor bruised heart with the same gentleness and non-judgement that you show to all of us when we are struggling.

I'm now going to go light a candle for you in my house. I don't know why, but I feel like doing that. I'll be thinking of you today and hoping the day is bearable.
Much love to you.

Aw Sophia, thank you. I appreciate it. I do feel like I need some love today. The 9 month mark has hit me hard.

No, I don't think I'm being immature. I mean I think I'm going to have to be very 'self critical' but in a positive sense. Not wallow, not collapse but look hard at every tiny wee thing and take care of it all.

I know this; it's chemical. But I'm going to have to fix it from inside me, make my own chemicals behave this time. Somehow.

Merry,
Yes, I too do lots of b-vitamins, along with some good fish oil capsules (which have helped tremendously through many bouts of depression in the past.) For me, a lot of mine is hormonally based too, so working to balance hormones the best I can helps. I will be getting my progesterone tested this cycle because I suspect that low progesterone adds to the feelings of desperation in my case, especially since my desperation always seems to hit its lowest point just before I start bleeding again.

I echo Sophia - be gentle with yourself, the way you are so with us.

Much love,
Sarah

I feel sort of paralyzed and speechless right now... but I just wanted to tell you all that I am thinking of you, and wishing you a new year full of peace and dreams come true.

Merry, I'm so sorry about the post-natal depression.

I had an ultrasound today to look for cysts (in case that's causing our new fertility issues). I was a bit worried about the appointment...the last time I walked through those hospital doors was the saddest day of my life, and the last time I was in that radiology department was the last time I saw Pearl alive. BUT, today was fine. Such a relief. My husband was there (and he's very funny), the ultrasound tech was super nice (I requested kid gloves when I set up the appointment). Anyway, just WHEW. I'm so glad it's out of the way and that it didn't wreck me. I should get actual results later this week from my doctor.

Oh Merry, how awful to add post-partum depression (that's what we call it in Canada) to grief and the frustration of unsuccessfully ttc. The fact that you are still functioning at any level is an accomplishment. I think I have suppressed my feeling about reaching 9 months pending the end of this cycle.

I hope that everything is peaceful and calm and that everyone of you who is pregnant is going to stay that way for the right amount of time and that the rest of us will soon be joining you in that group.

AFM, it's 8dpo and we dtd plenty of times in the right window, despite not using a single OPK, so we have as good a chance as any other cycle in the last 7 months. I also managed to book an appointment at the new Women's Clinic that opened up in my area for next week so hopefully if this doesn't work, I can get some tests done to determine if there is a reason why it's not working. I am hoping the threat of the appointment is enough to force my body to be pregnant this cycle.

Merry, I am so sorry you are struggling, but I am glad to hear your clarity about what is going on. I think it would be so much worse if you didn't recognize what was going on, so good for you for being in touch with yourself and recognizing those signs.

M., wow, I am impressed with you for making it through that appointment. I am glad you had support and I hope the results are good.

Cara, good luck and I hope you don't need that appointment.

Me: I am calling today to make an appointment with my doctor. I can't stand up for more than a few minutes without excruciating pain, so I am effectively on bed rest. He thinks I am a drama queen and only wants to see me every six weeks, but these are the same symptoms I had before my water broke last time, so pardon me if I need to be a drama queen.

Beth, I am so sorry that you are in pain. Call the doctor. Who cares what he thinks!! Do what you need to do to get in there and have an ultrasound. It is probably just some nasty round ligament pain, but I am praying for you all the same.

Beth, I certainly don't think you are being a drama queen. Is it possible that you might be able to see a different doctor? I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and I know that you must be very, very anxious. Thinking of you and hoping it is nothing to be worried about. Do take care of yourself xp

That p is an extra special hug!

Just catching up....
Merry I am so sorry... I hope you will be able to do exactly what is right for you in this awful to be in situation.
Beth- that is crazy that your Dr. said that! Is there another in your practice who might be a bit more sympathetic?
Sarah N- I am so glad your appt. went well- it sounds like we had similar experiences at these appt's!

Thinking of everyone.....