Hello, everyone. I hope that Christmas was as gentle as it could be. Thought I'd kick off the last week of the year thread...

I was supposed to see my OB last Thursday, and she had to cancel at the last minute. That sucked, and I was pretty upset when they first called. They were very nice, and all clearly felt terrible, but I just want so desperately to get moving toward some kind of solution. My doctor personally made sure she could squeeze me in this week, so I'm rescheduled for 4:45pm tomorrow. Which is great, and I definitely appreciate it. BUT. It screws with my plan to avoid pregnancy tests until I'm super late. Tomorrow is CD22 (previously, normal cycles were 21 days...the last two months have been 26 days). Given that timing, and the fact that I *could* be pregnant this cycle, and if so, a pregnancy *could* be detected on a pee test, I think I need to test in the morning, just to be sure. If it turns up positive then I can call and see if she'd still like to see me or (more likely) reschedule for a few weeks from now, when something could actually be seen. I'd feel like a big dork coming in for a special appointment if it wasn't necessary, especially now that she's squeezing me in, and likely staying late.

But I sort of hate that plan, because the negative tests are such a fucking bummer. I really don't want to see another fucking negative pregnancy test, and after all these cycles (I know it's less than many, but it feels like a million to me) I just have a hard time believing it's going to magically work this time.

At the same time, OF COURSE I believe in magic! I totally want it to work this time! This cycle I've been getting acupuncture and we've had more sex than in previous months and (okay, might as well share my full crazy....) this cycle started on December 7th which is Pearl Harbor day and wouldn't that be a magical LMP date for a subsequent pregnancy? Harbor : a place of security and comfort : refuge. Isn't that a lovely image, to think of my Pearl holding us safely all the way to the end, when her little sister or brother could safely join the family? My weary little soul wants so much to believe. All the negatives since the beginning of September have been tough, and getting tougher each time. A negative this month would crush me again (and maybe more, since I managed to get this Pearl Harbor thing in my mind). And I really wanted to wait until CD27 or CD28, if I lasted that long, to test. But that's not the way it's going to happen. I need to somehow make it through today, and if the test tomorrow morning is negative (most likely!) I need to hold myself together enough to make it to my 4:45pm appointment so we can come up with a new plan.

Ugh. Sorry for the super long post.

Thinking of everyone here. Dorothy, especially. xoxo

Oh, M, I'm sorry you got that cancellation and that it means your self-protection plan isn't going to work out. I hope the test is positive so that none of that winds up mattering.

Also thinking of Dorothy. I was so sorry to read your news.

Me: I'm hanging in here at 21 weeks. In six days I hit the point in this pregnancy at which I lost the last one. The image that is really jarring me is the knowledge that I know roughly what this baby looks like, that I held her brother at the same gestational age.

M I hooe all goes well for you. Some things are meant to happen when they do. That would be just perfect. Good luck and try to hang in there.

Beth That must be so hard for you. Just keep believing that this time will be different. It has to be right?

Beth, I'm thinking of you, and the incredible milestone in front of you.

Over here...I'm a moron. While I was at the grocery store I got a call moving my appointment up to 10am tomorrow, so I went ahead and bought some pregnancy tests while I was there. Since it was a two-pack, I couldn't resist taking one right now, and big surprise......bfn. Super early, blah blah blah, I'm not devastated yet, but, it's just stupid, and just what I wanted to avoid, and that's probably going to be my definitive answer this month. I'll waste the other one tomorrow morning, and hopefully it will be a good appointment, and won't get canceled. Blah, blah, blah, stupid & depressing.

Just wanted to let you all know that I am thinking about you. Christmas was rough.

Dorothy, I also had two losses this year, my son in June and then another baby at about 7 weeks in late September. It blows, and I am so so sorry that you are having to experience it.

I got a bfn last month but it worked out okay cause it ends up I need a root canal which is being done tomorrow, so should be on schedule to try again this month.

I hesitate to say this, because I don't want the universe to make a fool of me, but....I feel peaceful for the first time in a long time. I am ready for 2011 and to leave all this behind me (obviously that will never really happen, but I'm ready to try). Love to you all xoxoxo

Keely - I feel the same way - I've never hated a year like 2010 and been so ready for a fresh year. There have been gifts, sure, but I've learned that the more time that passes from Foster's death / birth the better I am. The better we are. 18 years ago I was assaulted, and it took years to be ok again, and I know someday I'll be ranting about this little one I'm growing - how she took the car or something and I'll stop and think,18 years ago it was all so terrible and thank god I'm here, now. I am always grateful to be here, now instead of back when those horrible moments happened. I won't forget, but I won't be defined by them either.

And so, moving forward, I'm 18w tomorrow, and getting regular movement for the last week or so which is so reassuring. I had forgotten how much I had enjoyed that conversation with Foster as he was growing - this little one reminds me and for that I'm grateful. A good friend gave me a doppler for Christmas so we can check in to say hi when I need it and I'm looking forward to the 20w scan in January. I'm looking forward to confirming that she's ok and that it is actually a she (we all have a hunch).

Otherwise I'm sick (and have been for the last week), which makes everyone worried, but I'm ok.

Wishing peace and BFPs to everyone here.

xoxo

M, you're not a moron, not at all. I'm sorry about the bfn today. And I hope the appointment tomorrow brings you some good information and support (and/or I hope you get a bfp on tomorrow morning's test.)

I continue to hold all of us in my heart and in my thoughts. We made it through Christmas, and sure, it's only one day of the forever that we have to endure without our children, it's a big day nonetheless. For those with milestones or dates coming up, I send you extra love and care.

Keely, like you, I've felt a strange sense of calm and peace and dare I say it, hopefulness even, the last day or two. I know it will be fleeting in my case, but I'll take it while it's here.

I've got nothing to report on my end other than counting down the days to an appt with the RE on January 4.

Thank you all so much for your thoughts.

M, I hope your appointment goes well.

Beth, I know I would hardly be able to breathe, I hope this time passes quickly for you.

Keely, It does blow, even worse knowing you have been here too. I am ready for a new year as well.

I am resting and being kind to myself.

I just don't want 2010 to end. At the beginning of this year my parents were together and I was on my way to 5 children and my first son. I wrote this on my blog

"And as for me and Max; Max says he has no regrets about leaving work and enjoys our life and his new job. I enjoy not doing it :) We’re happily married again and both looking forward to having a new little person in our life. I didn’t really think it could all turn out this well and i am so very grateful it has."

And now - god. Another period starting today and I've lost all hope of another pregnancy. I'm bereft and 2010 had Freddie in it. I don't want 2011.

You know, I missed a bit. After that paragraph I wrote "Touch wood.". It didn't bloody work.

Dorothy & Keely, so sorry you both had to endure two losses this year. Hugs to you both.
M, hoping your appt today went well.
Beth, I cannot imagine how that feels. hoping this week goes by smoothly.

Me - had my 12 wk scan today for the nuchal translucency test. everything looked good and the baby had a good, strong heartbeat. felt so much relief after that. got some pics on a disc too. telling some more friends this week. still anxious and will be nervous until the next appt in 4 more weeks.

Thinking of you all and wishing for a better new year for all of us!

Merry, I'm so sorry. xo

Beth: I'm so sorry, it must be a very difficult point in your pregnancy. In a few weeks time I will be at the gestation at which my girls were born and, to know that I have seen and held babies at that stage in development, makes my head swim. My heart goes out to you.
M: I'm a firm believer in magic too. It's so hard not to be and I know I would be thinking exactly the same thing about Pearl Harbour Day in your shoes. I'm sorry that you got a bfn (I'm still holding out hope as it IS early) and that, despite your best plans, you had to SEE the negative test. There's just something so awful about seeing that one line.I hope the appointment provided you some reassurance.
Keely: Sorry that Christmas was tough and I hope that the root canal goes well tomorrow. Glad that you are feeling a little peace and ready for 2011.
Sarah H.: I loved your description of your future self reflecting on this time eighteen years ago. Glad you are feeling regular movements now, that must be reassuring.
Sarah N.: I hope the appointment with the RE goes well. Thinking of you.
Dorothy: You have been in my thoughts and I'm glad to hear that you are resting up and taking care of yourself. I'm sorry that Christmas was so difficult.
Merry: I'm so sorry that 2010 did not go ahead as you expected and wished. I think I understand what you mean when you say you don't want to leave 2010 behind. It just makes them feel further away somehow?
Susan: Glad that the scan went well and I hope that the next four weeks pass quickly until your next appointment.

9 dpo.. bfn. But I got an appt. with the RE for Thursday. And I cannot wait to get there.....
As much as i ma over 2010, I don't seem to have any faith that 2011 will be any better... that is what I said last year and as it turned out 2010 shattered me. I live in fear of a deeper crack.....

So sorry Leslie. Hope the RE has some good information for you (will be interesting to compare notes since I have my appt on Tuesday!) Hoping our bfps are just around the corner. Sending you much love.

Sorry for the bfn, Leslie, and good luck at the RE's (though of course I'm wishing it was just too early and you never make it to the RE's).

My appointment yesterday went pretty well - thanks for all the good thoughts. Based on my description, she thinks it's likely that the last few cycles have been anovulatory. Ugh, but at least we can work on it now. She ordered a bunch of blood tests to check for all kinds of things and I should get the results back today. We've got a plan in place for various possibilities. It's intimidating to have all of this started, but since she thought my concerns were warranted, I'm certainly glad I went. I hope they don't wait until the end of the day to call! Of course I'm crossing my fingers that there was a tiny amount of hcg (not yet detectable on the pee sticks), and that'll be that.

This window has been open all morning, and still no call....

Keely, how was your root canal??

Thanks for asking! It was fine, I was super nervous cause my regular dentist had a hard time getting that tooth numb (it's a long story, but the ending is that they figured out that my tooth is inflamed from an old injury, which is why I needed the root canal) but the endodontist did a great job!

I'm soooo hoping they are able to give you some answers M, and that they call soon. A good friend found out yesterday she has not been ovulating, and so they have started her on all kinds of stuff. They have no children yet so I know she is upset. It's hard to believe that this babymaking is so easy for some people, it sure seems to be tough for everyone I know and love right now.

Hang in there Catherine, I am thinking of you everyday and praying for your cervix (which sounds so odd but is so, so true).

To everyone else....I love you all and am thinking of you constantly. Whether we are peaceful or not, ready or not...... time marches on, and I am glad we have each other to march with xoxoxo

Leslie, I too live in fear of a deeper crack. But....you just can't think that way. It is a constant struggle that we will fight but we just CAN'T think that way, we will go insane.

I heard back from the doctor's, and everything is reportedly normal. I was only a tiny bit disappointed at no hcg (really, I think if it worked this month, it's too early to know). I'm relieved that nothing looks "wrong," even though I didn't actually ask for any of the specific numbers, so I don't really have any context. I didn't want there to be anything wrong!

Next steps are to test for pregnancy next Monday, if no period by then. Assuming I'm out this month, I'll get an ultrasound as soon as my period ends (to check for cysts), and then I'll use OPKs to monitor ovulation. If I ovulate, I'll get a progesterone check 8 days past surge. I think that's it for next steps. I assume if I start OPKs and there's nothing happening then we'll start talking about fertility drugs.

I'm doing okay. Definitely glad that everything appears normal, but bummed that I now apparently/maybe have fertility troubles on top of the grief of losing my full-term baby. Not Fucking Fair. And I try to put it in perspective as I know a lot of people who've had fertility problems from the get-go. My first two pregnancies were easy (and I was grateful, I knew I was lucky). And now? Nearly seven months from the death of my beautiful daughter? Now my body has forgotten how to ovulate? Why, because I haven't been through enough yet? WTF. Not Fucking Fair.

I'm very grateful to all of you for the support, and for listening to me bitch and moan about this for the last handful of months. I know no one else can really understand, even though many of us are in different situations with trying/subsequent pregnancies.

I just read back over this post and I'm afraid I sound overly dramatic. I suppose that's just what it's like in this moment, and the fact that I'm honestly coming to terms with the fact that I might need fertility drugs to get pregnant (for the first time, for the third pregnancy). I thought my fertility was something I could count on, even if I couldn't count on anything else. I thought that losing Pearl was the one bad thing that happened to me, and I wasn't planning on it being an ongoing series of bad things. That feels heavy, and scary. And really, I just hope I get a positive next week, so I can feel like a fool for all this whining, and go on to the next challenge, with some vision of what my "happy ending" might look like.

Thank you so much Keely. You are very kind, so kind you've made me cry! The next few weeks are going to be very anxious ones and I'm just hoping to get through them.

M: Oh my heart goes out to you, I don't think you sound overly dramatic. It is a bitter pill to swallow, to have to deal with unexpected fertility problems after a loss.
I always took my fertility for granted too, I conceived the twins on the first cycle of trying and my subsequent pregnancy (blighted ovum) on the first cycle of trying again after their birth. It then took me the best part of a year to fall pregnant again with this current baby, I still have no absolutely idea why. I know that year is a drop in the ocean compared to what others have been through but it still felt like an age to me.
During the round of fertility testing I went through, I was told that I had internal damage that would necessitate a round of IVF and it just opened a whole new little grief, a stand alone sadness but one that was certainly related to the loss of my daughter too. As it turned out, it was not the case but even being told that, let alone having to go through it, did feel very scary indeed.
Like so much of life, like so many of the situations others here find themselves in, it is not f*&^ing fair (yes, I am so wussy I can't even swear on the internet!) Hoping for a positive for you next week.

i've been coming here every day but not saying anything. i'm not really sure why. i have been thinking of you all though.

i'm so sorry dorothy. both that you've lost another baby, and that your family have been so useless about it. it's not fair.

M, you sound so miserable and i don't blame you at all. i have everything crossed for you for a BFP imminently.

Beth that sounds scary :( i hope you're managing to cope ok.

by this stage in my last pregnancy the baby was dead but i only found out 8 days from now, which is a bit freaky for me.

keeley, hoping 2011 is a much better year for you.

i'm glad things are going well with you sarah h. hope i feel definite movement soon :)

good luck with the appointment sarah n. i hope it goes well.

merry - :( i know what you mean, i don't want 2010 to go either. it's been a shitty year but 2011 means that my loss wasn't 'last year' any more and means my baby is even further away.

susan i'm glad your scan went well! great news.

i hope the appointment well well leslie. i hope 2011 is better than 2010.

catherine this must be a really difficult stage for you. i hope you're doing ok.

me, i'm mostly ok. got a load of presents from D's mum that freaked me out - a 'baby on board' car sign, a savings jar 'for the baby', a portable DVD player 'for the baby when you're travelling' (which seems about 3-4 years too early AT LEAST). i might be feeling movement sometimes but it's really early to (15+5 in what from that point of view i guess is a first pregnancy) so i'm not sure. i find it scary though to believe that it might be true. we were offered a scan yesterday that D said he couldn't get away from work for, but then he came home at the same time as the appointment would've been. frustrating. hopefully will get it in a week or two instead. i guess i'm mostly just hanging on and trying not to freak out.

last NYE was when the shock really wore off and the grief started to hit. it seems so utterly strange and impossible that that was a whole year ago.

It's New Year's Day here and I'm thinking of you all. I feel like Merry and B: I'm sad 2010 has ended because it will be the only year that ever will ever have Salome in it and now she feels even further away (I loved Eric's post on the main page about this too). 2011 betta be good, that's all I'm saying. It betta be good, or...... or what? I guess I have to keep plodding on regardless. I don't have any power to haggle with the universe. 2010 really taught me that.

From my end: 22 weeks today. Feeling emotionally washed out after Christmas, which for me sucked like a vacumme cleaner. We had in-laws staying for 8 days, which was very trying. It was going to be a hard Christmas for me no matter where we were or who we were with, it's not my in-law's fault. Finishing up a job contract on Dec 24th when this pregnant in this heat was not a good idea either.

Here's my stand-out quote from the Christmas period, from my somewhat clueless father-in-law: "The reason why Sophia is sad about Salome's death is because her Catholic upbringing taught her to think about Salome as an actual person with a soul. That's why Sophia is sad about Salome's death."

My husband and I are both still are dumbstruck. Rather than explain to my father-in-law how incorrect he is, we've decided to leave the comment hanging mid-air like the trainwreck it is.

That gives you the flavour of my father-in-law's incapacity to engage with the big issues presented by the death of a child. It was hard for me to struggle through Christmas with him around. He means no harm, but that's not a good excuse for some of the things he has said and done over the year.

Anyhoo, on with 2011 I guess. Thinking of you all and sending love.

Holy crap, Sophia, I can't seem to get my jaw up off the floor and it's been there for a good chunk of time since reading your FIL's comments. Sheesh. Wow. Yikes.

Here's to 2011, women, and lots and lots of healthy pregnancies and safe (live) births.

Much love to all of you,
sarah

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you all, reading along and rooting for every one of you. I really hope 2011 brings us all some peace and light.

I know, Sarah N., it's a shocker of a comment isn't it. My father in law apparently regards his deceased granddaughter as some sort of organism that had a failure to launch. He sees himself as 'a man of science' and he doesn't understand why making comments like that in my vicinity put him at risk of being 'a man of no testicles'. He's not nasty or vindictive, but he is remarkable detached from the emotions of others.

Oh well, good to see him, wouldn't wanna be him, and I'm glad Christmas is done. Love to all.

Sophia - Ugh that's awful. So sorry you have live with having heard that.

Like Monique, I just wanted to let you know I'm reading too and hope that 2011 brings your babies here safely and BFPs.

Maddie x

Sophia,
I am just so proud of you for not murdering your father in law.
You seem to have taken the high road on this one which is huge and nobel.
It sounds like your Christmas was pure torture. You deserve a vacation or some giant reward.
Seriously.
Diana

Wow, Sophia, he sounds like a man with significant autistic spectrum disorders.

My dh is kind of the same. To him, a previous baby we didn't have was just exactly that - I grieved, he was relieved. It's kind of lucky for us we had been through that or our marriage would be a wreck after Freddie. To him Freddie is "a sad thing that happened" and he has locked it away. He is sad, I know that, but he just does not grieve for what he can't have. I understand him now and he understands me - we know we do it differently. But he is, essentially, a logical practical man with a sense of "what you can't have you should not spoil life over".

It can be hard to be two so different people who are together in one house; it takes a lot of communication. Saying that, he has not put a foot wrong over Freddie really. Even Asperger-y people need to have the capacity to learn. Mostly, what my dh has learned is that his viewpoint is not the majority and to shut the **** up about being practical and logical :)

I'm sorry you've had to cope with it- I suspect FIL's just never will learn :(

Sophia, what a brutal thing to hear. You're a better person than I am for being so generous about it.

Over here: Out, out, out, out. CD1. Literally my first experience of the new year, as I woke up for an early morning pee. I've been taking it pretty badly, but after some good hard sobbing, I feel more peaceful. Or at least less angry. It is what it fucking is is is. I hope I can make peace with my new life in 2011.

M, I'm sorry.

Hoping that this will be your cycle, that with the added help of OPKs you'll get your bfp.

(I keep trying to write something about it being 1/1/11 and a good day for new beginnings or something like that but it all sounds so trite and so pollyanna that I make myself a little queasy just looking at it, so I won't say that, but do know that I have this sense that maybe there's something auspicious about 1/1/11 being the first day of your last menstrual period?)