Just thought I would start a new thread for the week.....

I have nothing new to report on the ttc front, but I wanted to thank you Leslie for your concern about my new tattoo. No signs of infection but the tattoo is on the inside of my right arm, a very tender spot and I am an easy bruiser so the tattoo itself combined with the awkward position required to get the tattoo done has resulted in the extra pain. It seems to be better today already.

Oh good Car- I am sure they gave you aftercare info, but if you need a suggestion on a good moisturizer I loved using aquaphor for the most recent ink. You just have to use it sparingly- rub it in well and keep it moist- but not soggy. I have heard nightmares about letting new ink dry out and scab- it pulls out color and you have a lot of beautiful color in yours! Seeing yours makes me want to book in for the tree that I want on my back.... hmmmmm

And I just bought my husband a gift voucher for a tattoo parlour for Christmas, and right now my brother in law is helping him finalise the design with our daughter's name and some gumnuts. I intend to get the same tatt in about 6 months too. Suddenly it seems like the right time.
Love to you all.

Oh, what fun.

I wrote another thread about my body's apparent sympathy as I near the one year anniversary of losing our daughter. Went to the doctor last week. Turns out the pains are just a UTI. Got on an antibiotic. Was improving.... Only to wake up yesterday with a non-stop urge to pee!

I called the doctor and they want to put me on Cipro but then asked the dreaded: "Could you be pregnant?" Apparently, Cipro is a complete no-no when you are pregnancy. Of course, I was left to fumblingly say: "Um... I doubt it, but it isn't outside the realm of possibility." ("Oh, by the way, this week last year, I was pregnant. But then, this week, last year, my baby died. But, that doesn't count. Nope).

My period isn't due for over a week. Took a pregnancy test and, of course, it was negative. (First time back on the "pee on a stick" ferris wheel in, god, over a year and a half. Hate seeing that one line staring me in the face).

Doctor sent me to get a urine culture. We're going to wait until Monday to get the results. By then, I should know whether I am pregnant. (Cue derisive laughter). The doctor seems to think that I am okay not being on an antibiotic in the interim. Although, Cheeky Fate will probably display its uproariously funny comedic ability by giving me a kidney infection just in time for Christmas. Hell, at least then I'd have a good excuse for missing out on the holiday festivities.

Cara, I loved the tattoo. I would not normally consider getting one myself. I said I had a low tolerance for pain. But after losing Charlotte, I think the "pain" of a tattoo would be tolerable. My husband and I continue to search for the right images for ours. I will have to postpone mine for a while. And I think he would like for us to get them together.

I'm 11 weeks today. Feeling sick off and on. Scared to tell more people. That I might tempt fate for something to go wrong. Like if I allow myself to enjoy the good news, I'm just setting myself up for failure. I think we'll tell more extended family over Christmas. I would like to share the good news with some close friends. Our next appointment is Dec 28th and I am so anxious to get it done. I just want to see that healthy baby in there and know for sure that all is well at this point. The days are moving so slow.

I purchased a stamp online. It had Charlotte Grace, a monogrammed flower in the middle and read Always in our Hearts June 6, 2010 along the bottom edge. And of course it was purple ink. I stamped the few Christmas cards I sent out with it. Just my little way of including her from now on. I'm sure I'll use it for every card. Very proud of myself for that one. No pictures to share this year. Some things are easier than others when it comes to the holidays.

Steph I hope you get some relief- and a BFP of course.
Susan I am glad you are doing well- I have a stamp of Cullen's footprints, but I like your idea. Do you mind sharing which site you chose for stamp? I saw one on expressionery that I like from PSA, but not sure on the size....

hi ladies,
love to hear all the news

bfn for me, ugh

had hoped i'd be one of the lucky ones, success on the first cycle, but the universe punches me in the guts, yet again, feel like a fool or even thinking it might work, note to self - work on this self pity

sending you all peace x

oct2010, I'm sorry about the bfn. Last cycle was the first I thought that there might be even a smidgen of hope and it was really really crushing when there wasn't. sending you love. I think we all have those hopes and dreams of being the "success on the first try" - we've all been dealt such a horrible hand that it only makes sense if the universe was truly balanced that we'd then get a lucky hand, right? unfortunately, I'm learning over and over again that that is not the way it works. and even still, I find I'm also harboring a good bit of fantasy/hope that I'll conceive at the 6 month mark, since that seems to be a time that "worked" for many after a loss. Constantly setting myself up for disappointment. I want off the roller coaster ride, but not unless I have a baby to take with me...Any ideas how I can do both? :)

Speaking of roller coaster rides, I will be meeting with an RE the first week in January, more of an "informational interview" if you will, and possibly for some testing - we'll see. I want to gather as much information as I can, of course, my anxiety around my age is pretty outrageous right now. My OB is concerned that my tests may show imbalances now that are still my hormones resolving after childbirth, but that they may get me into an unnecessary bunch of interventions and medicines, whereas if we just waited a few more months everything would resolve and I'd get pregnant on my own without the headache or worry of testing etc. So we're going with a cautionary stance, mostly for a second opinion and to get her thoughts. I also don't know what I'd do if I got tests and all of a sudden I'm told my eggs are completely shot and I have no chance of becoming pregnant again.

I'm/we're having trouble sticking to my OB's recommendations of using contraception for these next two cycles...I just keep thinking that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. But, gah, am I just setting myself up for another horrible lesson about loss and "I told you so" ? Honestly, I think if we were using protection life would be a lot less worrisome since a bfp wouldn't even hold a glimmer of hope, so I wouldn't let myself think about it (though I've already even entertained fantasies that we'd be that one couple who used condoms that failed...) No signs that I've ovulated yet or am even preparing to, so I still have some time to muddle over the decisions.

Thanks for letting me spill my brains here, ladies. This takes up so much head space and I don't want to talk about it with very many people in "real" life.

Wishing you all peace through at least the next few days.

http://www.thestampmaker.com/Products/Monogram-Stamp---ML655---MS5__MONOGRAM_STAMP_ML655_MS5.aspx

I just searched for custom stamps. I found this monogram one that I liked. I didn't pay attention to the size, so it's a little bigger than I would have liked. But it still worked well for the cards. They did a great job with it. My footprints weren't that great, so I don't really have those to work with. I think I've seen some things on Etsy where people could use the footprints to make things.

So sorry for the negative, oct2010.

And Sarah, I'm so sorry you're in this weird stuck place right now, with medical recommendations that go against everything screaming in your head. I don't think I ever posted this last week, but I was really grateful for all the responses about trying again and medical advice in the last thread.

I'm still here, not much to report. I have been going to acupuncture, and I'm seeing my OB tomorrow. All positive steps forward, I suppose. I'm a little scared of the OB diagnosing me with something, but if there's something there, it must be better to find out about it now. Plus, I love her. I'd hoped to return to her office under different circumstances (you know: pregnant!) but I always feel better after seeing her, so hopefully it will be a good appointment.

Today I'm CD16. I'm expecting my period sometime between Monday (CD21) and the following Saturday (CD26). There are no pregnancy tests in the house, so we'll see how I do next week.....And of course, I'm harboring a ridiculous fantasy that my OB will take a quick look at me tomorrow and say "Wait, we don't need to do anything! You're pregnant right now!" Pretty impossible at CD17, even if this was our month, but I can't help thinking it anyway.

Also from last week, I'd like to admit that I'm another one with twin fantasies. In fact, my mother is a fraternal twin, so according to conventional wisdom it should skip a generation (from my grandma to me) and I should be predisposed to having twins. It's always been on my radar, and in the hospital waiting to give birth to Pearl, that was one of my thoughts, "Maybe I was supposed to have twins after all." This from the lady who's struggling to get pregnant with just one more baby. But much like the discovery of my pregnancy in the OB's office tomorrow, it's a fantasy I have trouble giving up.

Peace and love to all.

Steph, are you going to be without an antibiotic for an entire week? Or am I miscalculating the days? Because that seems horribly uncomfortable. I've had UTIs in the past and they are almost unbearable. Hopefully you will get that positive and then the doctor can work something else out for treatment.

Susan: Almost through the first twelve weeks! I know that after a loss it isn't all that much of a comfort but I still think it is something to feel good about. Hope your next visit goes well.

Oct: Sorry for the negative and the punch in the gut from the universe.

Sarah N: I think you are wise to see an RE for an "informational interview." Being proactive is good. I think you need to feel like you are doing something proactive during this time of waiting.

M: I have my own baby-related fantasies too. Mine usually involve someone coming and telling me that G never really died and he is a perfectly fine 9 month old. I think they are just manifestations of our hope and love. Perfectly normal, so my therapist tells me. I hope that this is your month.

AFM: I'm doing ok. 6 weeks. The nausea has started and I am bracing myself for it getting worse. Just hoping I don't get hyperemesis like I did with George.
I know I'm only into the very beginnings of this pregnancy but I am having a really difficult time feeling any kind of connection at all, even though I am so grateful that I was able to conceive. With George we both felt that it was our child growing in there practically from the moment we found out I was pregnant. This time neither of us really talks about it unless we preface whatever it is we are saying with, "If this baby lives." I feel like a fraud. A fake pregnant person. Worse yet, I feel scared that I won't ever be able to bond with this one and I will always be wishing it was George come back for a do-over. How unfair that is to this one. It makes me wonder what kind of mother I will be if this pregnancy ends in a take home baby -which, of course, I have strong doubts that it will.
Sigh. One day at a time.

Oh Brianna, I can't speak from my own experience but from everything I've read, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal, and absolutely NO indicator of how much you will connect to and love and attach to this baby. And I'll keep my fingers crossed that the nausea stays fairly light and doesn't turn into full blown hyperemesis.

I too have had crazy fantastical ideas - including my twin fantasy, my immaculate conception fantasy, and, yes, like you Brianna, I have had moments where I see that the hospital is calling me on the phone and I truly believe, even for a moment, that they might be calling to tell me that everything is OK and that I need to come get my healthy baby Otis because he's been there for three months and is ready to come home now. There was a moving truck parked on my street the other day and I had this very real vision that they were going to slide open the back of the truck and Otis was going to be in there, like some grand surprise party.

And M, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't entertained the fantasy (several times, in fact) that I'm going to go to the appt with the RE on January 4 and she's going to tell me I'm pregnant.

oct2010 I am so sorry for the BFN. I think that is one of the worst slaps in the face these days. BFN's, fertility issues, short LP's, and the list goes on.....

Sarah N I am optimistic about your RE appt. I hope it will offer a frsh perspective on how to get you pregnant (if you are not already) as quickly and successfully as possible. I am holding a lot of hope for you mamma.

Brianna I can only imagine what it is like in your shoes right now. I am thinking of you all the time and I hope that you will be given the gift of peace as this pregnancy progresses.

Susan thank you for the stamp link! I am off to look a those...

M- I have high hopes for you this month- and not having tests might be a good thing- you don't have the letdown of an early BFN that might turn into a BFP after all. Staying positive for you!

Leslie: I hope that your cycle is settling down. It seems terribly unfair that anyone should have to struggle with things like long LPs after a loss.
Cara: I think your tattoo is absolutely beautiful. Hope it's continuing to heal up well and isn't giving you too much pain.
Sophia: Hope your husband is pleased with his tattoo and that you, all in good time, will love yours. It sounds like a beautiful design, I've just been googling for pictures of gumnuts. Don't think we get them here in the UK.
Steph: Oh my heart goes out to you. A UTI is the very last thing you need I should imagine. I've been fumbling the 'Could you be pregnant?' question at the dentist for so long now that I'm certain they must think I have some strange phobia of X-rays. Ick for the horrible one line, I've seen a bunch of them and they are never a pleasant sight. I hope you aren't in too much pain with the antibiotics and that you feel better in time for Christmas.
Susan: I hope the days pass quickly until your appointment on the 28th. Not too long to wait now. The stamp sounds great, what a lovely way to remember your Charlotte.
Oct2010: Ugh. I'm sorry. Please don't feel foolish.
Sarah N.: I hope that your meeting with the RE can give you another perspective. It certainly can't do any harm and I felt that the tests I did have done helped me to cross certain worries off my list rather than hanging over me unresolved. But I can understand your fear of stumbling across something which is completely shot, I know I was also terrified of that possibility. It must be an impossible position, to follow the medical advice against all your own instincts and wishes.
M: Hoping for you. Perhaps that appointment will prove to be completely unnecessary? Fingers crossed.
Brianna: Really hoping that you don't suffer from hyperemesis in this pregnancy. I also feel like a fake pregnant person. This pregnancy has been incredibly different from my pregnancy with the twins, who were much anticipated and fussed over, sung to and spoken to and cuddled. This time I'm too busy trying to pretend that nothing is happening.
afm: Well I'll confess to having had all the pregnancy fantasies. Including the twin one which is pretty stupid as that didn't exactly work out well for me first time around. I still sometimes expect the hospital to contact me about coming to collect G, although it's been over two years now. Have ordered a doppler but I'm not sure whether to wish for it to arrive before Christmas or not. 19 weeks edging towards 20. Just wishing the next couple of months away although I know it is no guarantee of anything at all.
Wishing all here a peaceful holiday. C xo

Hello ladies;

Oct2010, so sorry about the BFN. It isn't fair at all. Be kind to yourself. You will start feeling hopeful again once you get further into the new year.

Brianna... the doctor is just waiting for the urinanalysis results, which could come by tomorrow but possibly not until Monday. I am actually feeling okay, if not even slightly better than a few days ago. I am being pretty vigilant so, if anything worsens, I will definitely call the doctor and follow up.

On this day last year, my water broke. That moment will be seared into my memory forever. I am feeling alternately numb and tearful. I think I am still, on some level, stunned by it all.

Today is 8dpo. Took a super sensitive test which, of course, was negative. I know that I am not pregnant and have no idea why I am torturing myself. I just want to get into the new year.

Happy holidays and love to you all. I am wishing a good new year to all of us.

XOXO

Please forgive me for not being up to posting to each of you.

I went to the doctor yesterday at two days short of 8 weeks pregnant with some mild spotting but still hopeful that it was nothing. From the results of the ultra sound and tests the doctor believes that this is no longer a viable pregnancy and my body is in the process of miscarrying. I started bleeding heavier through the night and have miserable cramps now. The doctor and I, hope that this moves along naturally and won't require intervention or be complicated by infection.

I will have a house full the next few days for the holidays. I don't feel up to being with people right now but it is to late to do anything about it because they have driven in from states away. I hope to sneak off to my bed a lot.

I am having a full on pity party at the moment. I just want to scream and cry and kick someone until they hurt as bad as I do. Maybe my mother in law, she is sure to have the stupidest hurtful shit to say and she will be parked in my house the next three days. Not really on the last statement, I would never wish this pain on anyone not even my mother in law. I have put in a good start at the screaming and crying though.

I am so ready for this year to end. I have now managed to cram two losses into it. First my son in June and now this baby.

Dorothy,
I am so, so sorry that this is happening. It is so unfair and wrong.

Steph, you are in my thoughts and I'm just so sorry. Your words sound so familiar to me, over two years later I am still stunned by it all.

Dorothy, I am just absolutely heartbroken for you. I am so very sorry to read your news. You are more than entitled to have a 'full on pity party' , it so horribly unfair. And a house full of guests. Ach, I just wish I could do something to help.

Bring on 2011.

Oh, Dorothy. I am so sorry. God, just too sorry. It is so terrible for this to happen, especially when you don't even have time to grieve by yourself. If kicking your mother in law, even in your fantasies, helps... then, by all means, do it.

Wishing you peace and strength....

Hey.

Hugs for everyone, especially Dorothy. I'm so sorry.

I'm still in limbo land. BFN but no period, took one progesterone last night just in case but temp right down today. And my super sensitive tests are stuck in the post anyway. Bah :(

Months ago I bought two little plain bird ornaments; a blue and a red bird, for Freddie and my other lost baby who I imagine to have been a girl. I hung them on my light tree. This morning one of the girls (who still hasn't owned up) crashed into it being silly and broke one - the blue one of course - which I cannot find a replacement for anywhere :(

I'm heartbroken, cross with the girls and upset with myself for shouting, hurting them and being so sad about it. But I just loved it, it was simple and perfect and precious and I liked that it was pirate and special to me to have my two babies together in that way.

Oh Dorothy, I am so sorry. Sending you so much love.

Steph, sending you love.

And Merry, oh, I can imagine how wrecked I'd be if the bird ornament broke. I'm sorry.



I clearly am not destined to procreate any time soon. I am bleeding again today. Twelve days since my last "period." This is so not funny, not fair. That appt with the RE can't come soon enough.

Yes, please, bring on 2011. Or not. It seems anything I feel hopeful about gets wrecked, so maybe feeling hopeful that 2011 might not be quite as awful as 2010 is not such a good idea.

Dorothy, I am so sorry!!! I cannot imagine the hurt you are feeling right now. It is our worst fears come true. Another loss.

I hope that you find time to yourself this weekend. And I hope that your husband and family end up being supportive and understanding.

HUGS** HUGS** Lots of thoughts and hugs for you.

Dorthy I am so sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you can find some quiet time amoung all those guests.

Nothing new with me this week. About 17wks along next US on the 7th of July.

Dorothy, I am so incredibly sorry.

Dorothy my heart goes out to you mamma... sorry seems like so little to say... it is so heartbreakingly unfair.

Sarah N- Oh girl how incredibly frustrating and infuriating... you are right- the RE will be very well timed now- and hopefully they can get this bleeding sorted out for you...

Steph- still hoping for you it is so early....... come on BFP.....

Merry- I am sorry about your ornament- it is so hard when the most special and precious mementos are broken or lost. Is there any way you can repair it?

Dorothy I am so sorry to read that you've lost 2 babies in one year. What a nightmare. I'm thinking of you.

Dorothy, what a spectacularly awful way to end a terrible year. I hope you can sneak off as often as you need to and that your family can do something to help, even if if it is just letting you be alone.

I hope no one else is having as terrible a Christmas as Dorothy. We chose to stay home not travel the 10 hours to be tortured by being around family who pretend that nothing is wrong. We are spending a quiet Christmas at home with our living child and since it has worked out that I should be ovulating in the next few days it's much better that we are here and not sleeping on a pull couch in the mother-in-law's den. I have decided to skip the OPK's and just dtd the everyday until my temp goes up. Maybe we can get the Christmas gift we really want after all. Love to all.

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