I have two older daughters. One just turned 5 and the other is 3 and 1/2. My older girl had a harder time with the loss at the beginning and seems to be doing pretty well considering we are nearly 9 months out and I am 28 weeks pregnant with another boy.

My younger daughter has really been hit hard the last few weeks. She is so worried about me and the baby. It's taken a lot of explaining that this baby is different than P and I think it is really sinking in that we no longer have P and that a new baby will be coming (we hope!). She keeps climbing into our bed at night and cuddling me and getting upset if I leave the house without her. She tells me she loves the baby so much and talks to him.

This evening, she was almost inconsolable over this whole thing. I worry sometimes that I cannot handle another loss and that it would be so much harder for the girls. I don't want to disappoint them or have another heartbreak in this family. I am just struggling to keep it all together. I wish I knew what to say to her. I want to tell her everything will be OK, but of course, there are no guarantees.

Sorry if that was a bit muddled. All of our emotions are just overflowing here.

I'm sorry Kathryn. Explaining to the preschool set is so hard. Just the other day my daughter asked if we could get her little brother back "tomorrow". She was almost 4 when he died and still doesn't quite grasp the permanence of death. I don't know how she'll react to another pregnancy if we ever get to that point. The only thing that I know to do is validate her feelings and tell her that we never know what will happen but we all really, really hope this baby will be okay. I found I have to be honest with my daughter. She knows I'm lying if I try to tell her nothing bad will happen. I hope you can find something to reassure her and yourself. Take care.

Kathryn - I didn't have any other children but we're close friends with our neighbours and her little boys (3 & 4) have been expecting the baby and she had to explain to them. They still ask me about the other baby sometimes (it's just past a year and I've had a rainbow baby) and I'm never quite sure what to say to them. The older one does understand Max is a different baby.

Hugs.

I am thinking of you.

I'm sorry. I have no answers - we are in the same boat with my 3 and a half year old. Micah died in January and I'm 29 weeks pregnant now with another boy. I don't think my living son really understands that this baby won't be Micah, that death is really gone forever. When we talk about how he will visit his grandparents overnight when the baby is born, he always chimes in "or when the baby dies - then too!". It is a hard place to be in - they understand so much of what goes on, but the abstractions are so far beyond them. I'm thinking of you and all your children.

Kathryn,

I have a preschooler as well...and it is such so hard to watch our little ones in such pain. I lost my twin at 25 weeks and remained pregnant with my survivor...it was very confusing for my then 3 year old who constantly worried that we would lose the other twin, too (as I was as well). We tried our best to be hopeful with Sam...but in the end we told him the truth: the if both babies died we would be very, very sad but that we would get through it. That Mommy and Daddy would be there for him and that we would remember the time we had the babies.

My best advice is to help your daughters do things to connect with your baby now...sing to the baby, make pictures, pat your tummy, etc. If anything should happen, you can remind them of those concrete things they did for their little sibling and how much that meant to you and to the baby.

Thank you for you kind words. I think watching my children go through their grief has been one of the most difficult parts of all this. I wish I could make it easier for her. Our new reality is sinking in big time for all of us.

Honesty is the best, as hard as it is. I think a lot of it has been that they are words I have a hard time saying out loud at all. Her brother is gone. She has another brother. We hope he will live. Deep breaths, lots of them.

Thank you all again. I know I am not very active here, but this place is so cathartic for me.