I work in the public sector in Australia and our performance management is all about the Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) for our agency and position, against which our achievements and failures are measured. As we get closer to Christmas, I’ve been thinking more about the unofficial KPIs in my personal life. This experience of pregnancy -> grief -> grief + pregnancy has stretched me enormously, and in many ways I am not measuring up to what I would previously regarded as core competency levels. I often wonder what coping looks like in my situation, and how would I know if I’m not.

For a start, I am not making the grade as a sexual partner and this is being bought to my attention on a daily basis at present. This is due to nausea and my vaginal e coli infection. Many of you know what nausea and then grief can do to a sex life (I whinged about it in a thread called ‘Sex in Pregnancy, Sex in grief’ on the all-in section back on August 29th). I’m sure you can imagine what an active e coli infection in the vagina does to a sex life. For all these reasons my performance in this area is not reaching basic competence levels.

I’m not doing well on ‘running the house’. Cooking, grocery shopping and washing up all send my nausea through the roof. I can do cleaning that doesn’t involve changing the orientation of my head (ie not bending over) or using any cleaning products.

I’m not doing at all well at work. I keep falling asleep at my desk no matter how much sleep I get the night before. I’m there in body, but I’m mostly clock watching. I have no leave or sick days left and I’m only half way through this pregnancy.

I’m providing very average parenting to my 2 surviving daughters. When I’m with them I am too tired to play. They have a million Christmas events coming up, and I have no energy to make them costumes etc. They’re watching too much TV these days because I don’t have the energy to stop them.

I am doing a poor job at parenting our daughter who died too. The weather is getting hotter and the calendar is filling up. I haven’t been to the cemetery for over 2 weeks. I haven’t thought about what I will get for her this Christmas to put on her grave. My husband doesn’t want to discuss it.

I could go on about all the areas in my life where I am falling short: as a friend, as a daughter, as a partner, as a community member.... But what’s the point of that? We could all write a list like that, and I probably could have written a long list even before this whole babyloss / pregnancy gig started. Instead I am going to list the areas of my life where I do feel competent.

Some of My Real KPIs December 2010

1. I am doing excellently at Getting the Fuck Up in the Morning. No matter how sick, tired, sad scared, hopeless, or melancholic I feel, every day I get the fuck up and out of bed. My previous pregnancies were a harsh but useful teacher in this regard.

2. I am doing very well at Getting Out of the House. These days it’s rare for me to cancel social engagements. I get out of the house every day now.

3. I do reliably show up to work. I might not do as much as I should when I get there, but I iron the clothes, make myself presentable, get myself on the train, and I go to work.

4. I am doing a good job at parenting this unborn Little One, in trying circumstances. I am taking my paint-stripper probiotics, even though they are literally hard to swallow. This other morning I was up since 2 am with back pain but I didn’t take any harmful painkillers. As sick as I feel, I do eat and I have gained sufficient weight. I even eat fruit every day. I can’t stop my thoughts that this baby being dead already or soon to die, but every mouthful I swallow tells this baby that I love him / her.

5. I am trying to support my partner through his own stress. I am know I ‘m hard to live with at the moment, and I know our sexlife is beyond bad, but I do what I can to make sure he gets to the gym and catches up with his mates etc.

6. I have bought some Christmas gifts for our surviving daughters. Some of the gifts compromise my own ethics, but having too many shitty pieces of pink plastic in the house on Dec 25th is not high on my current list of concerns. At least I went to the stupid-arse pre Christmas shops and bought SOMETHING for them. At least I’ve made a start.

7. I am having a go at nurturing with confidence. 2 days ago our family got a new baby guinea pig. I am not shying away from it. I have thoughts like “A cute baby thing in my care? Odds are it will die soon, better not get attached” but I am making sure the girls see me caring for the guinea pig with confidence.

8. I am being honest with people about this pregnancy in a way that suits my needs. If they ask about the pregnancy I tell them we had another baby who died at full term earlier this year, and this is a high risk pregnancy so we’re just taking it one day at a time. If that makes them uncomfortable they can stick it up their jatsie. I’m not going along with the happy-happy-joy-joy routine to help other people pretend the world is neat and tidy. I also challenge people who give me the “Oh it will all be fine this time” thing. I say things like “If you have a genuine intuitive sense that this baby will be Ok then I’m glad to hear it. If that’s not the case, and unless you know something that my obstetrician and I don’t, then I don’t think there is any reason to assume this baby will definitely be fine.” For fuck’s sake, why knowingly ask a pregnant babylost mamma how she is if you don’t want the answer? If you can’t stand the heat then get out of the kitchen.

So when I apply the correct KPIs I am royally kicking arse on a daily basis.

I would love to hear what your real KPIs are. Tell me about the day-today wins that mean something to you.

Sophia, this is the most wonderful post. It really made me smile. By my evaluation, your key performance is seriously awesome right now. This line, especially, " can’t stop my thoughts that this baby being dead already or soon to die, but every mouthful I swallow tells this baby that I love him / her." and #7 both brought tears to my eyes. Incredibly sweet.

I think one of my real life KPIs in my "new normal life" is that I am learning so much more compassion for myself. The standards I held myself to before losing my son were unattainable even on the most optimal of days...and learning patience and compassion for myself as I move through this mud that is now my life - I'd say I'm kicking some serious ass. So, I guess my KPI is that I've established and allowed myself a whole new level of KPIs and I'm no longer holding myself captive to a drill sergeant's expectation of perfection - if that makes any sense at all.

Great post but holy crap, your usual KPI's would make superwoman have a nervous breakdown! Working, running a house, parenting kids and being a sex goddess! Seriously if my sexual performance was being "brought to my attention" on a daily basis there would be a swift kick to the nuts dealt out, stat! You seriously deserve to feel proud of your current KPI's as you are doing pretty damn awesome!
My KPI's before 20 weeks would have been like...1.Breathing 2.Takes self to toilet 3. Eats food . luckily post 20 weeks I feel almost like a real human being and am super high achieving now....I cook dinner! I get everyone out of bed in the morning! I go to my work placement! I have a sense of humor again! Ok the house is a pigsty/building site, my overdraft is insane and the kids look a tad on the feral side but YEH! :D

Haaaaaa! Frsutrated Fairy that made me laugh! I can assure you there have been many harsh words and emotional / metaphorical kicks to the nuts delivered. And when we go to our couples counselling session tomorrow night the topic will be discussed again in earnest from me i.e. back off or our sexlife is DOOMED.

And I know sooner or later he will read this post of mine and he will be horrified to read me saying it like that. He is not trying to make me feel bad about our sexlife. He is sad about it, not angry about it. He's stressed off his head about this current pregnancy too and is trying to stay connected to me. But any comment about his sadness, any expression of even slight sexual interest from him, I hear as a criticism, and round we go again.

And I know I come across as an ultra organised person in that first bit but the irony is that I have actually NEVER live like that. I just kick myself for not being like that when I'm feeling down about something else. Those KPIs are ones I have never met in my life, and they only come out to play in my mind when I am feeling maudlin about other stuff.

And thank you too Sarah N for your comments. There is an opportunity here for me to learn the same lesson from this year, and it would be a wonderful side effect of this shitty year if I could throw KPIs away for good. That would be a fantastic legacy from my daughter's short life. What an honour you do your Otis in harvesting that from all the grief....

Thanks, S x

*phew*

I was frankly alarmed at those KPIs and what they might say about my life. We went 10 months without sex, had a few dreadful encounters purely to get pregnant again, and are up to 9 months this time without sex. I couldn't care and I don't think he does either. And I don't have e coli.

I don't clean much and never did do the cooking. He's the cook. And I don't have other kids to look after. Sophia, you are already Superwoman in my eyes!

Sophia, it sounds to me like you are doing everything that you can possibly manage to do at this point in your life, and I think those that love you probably realize that. Your daughters will survive watching to much TV for a while, your sex life will come back someday, work will still be there when you are feeling more capable. I think you are doing awesomely well. And I would have the exact same reaction to someone telling me "things are going to be fine." Gimme a break, how the hell can you know that? Like you said, if you don't want to know, don't ask.

Frustrated Fairy, you are hilarious!!!!!

Sophia,
I liked your gritty list.
I loved #1. I almost cheered, and I work in an an office setting (at work now). My KPI are as follows:
-I drag my sorry ass to fertility appointments and remind myself to remain open to a new experience, even though were are 14 cycles in the hole.
-I do little things to take care of myself like hair cuts and naps.
-I am less rigid about limiting the number of take out meals we buy weekly. Because who cares.
Thanks for your post.

My list is pretty damn similar, except that I'm not sure I'm doing as well! Thankfully, my partner hasn't tried bringing number one up. I wasn't a great sexual during pregnancies that weren't shadowed by loss - this time he knows better. And I wish I could score higher on #8 - I just say 'oh yes, very excited, feeling fine thanks, gosh yes, I should think about colors for the nursery' rather than point out that the nursery has been set up for over a freaking year because I set it up for my child who died. And I just keep buying more crap for my living son for Christmas, as if I can make up for a second year being parented by a lunatic who has trouble levering herself off the couch.

Oh Sophia. You've made me laugh and cry all at the same time. I work in the English public sector and spend most of time chasing around after these KPIs. Strange how I also seem to keep an unofficial 'personal' KPI inventory. The performance monitoring culture is obviously deeply ingrained in me now!

I'm with frustrated fairy, the first list would make a superwoman weep. You are doing brilliantly in those 'real' KPIs and they are all tough. Royally kicking arse pretty much covers it. Like Sarah N., your description of every mouthful telling your little one how much you love him or her has me in tears. And the baby guinea pig. Good for you with #8, that also irritates me beyond belief.

Yes, Catherine, yes, Sophia's #8 is so commendable - and inspiring in how I hope I can carry myself if I am ever pregnant again.

And Sophia, I may have to read and reread your #8 so many times, just because I really, really, really love the phrase "stick it up their jatsie" and it makes me smile every time I read it here. (How is that I've made it through my many years of living without ever having heard this phrase!?)

Holy shit Frustrated Fairy you made me almost spill my cuppa! Thank you for that one...
Sophia I can pretty much match up with #1. that will just have to for now... love and light to you mamma.

My life pre-babyloss was very much like the first list and then some. Working, running a house, parenting, voluteer work ....... it's a wonder I didn't just spontaneously combust. Well, except for the sexlife. How could I be expected to fit sex into a schedule overloaded to bursting at the seams? My sexlife is very like too chicken to say.

Now, I manage to get out of bed everyday. I am doing well at accepting help from others, something I sucked at before. Not so good with #8 though. I dread interacting with people. I mostly just smile, nod and then cry in the bathroom, the car or at home when it is over.

I think you are all superwomen the way you all deal with what has been thrown at you and you make me smile and laugh and feel okay about crying, grieving and barely making it through the days.

Thank you all so much for your warm and honest comments. Just writing the list of my real KPIs helped a lot. It is good to hear that I am not the only one who is needing to get comfortable with eating more take away food, and with just getting through the days at work and at home etc. As the week has gone on, I've decided that this will be a dodgey Christmas no matter where I am and who I am with, and it's Ok to aim to make it not entirely shit for the girls.

And I've gotta say, I'm not always brave and forthright when I cop 'it will all be fine" crap. I only correct people if it suits me, if I've got the energy and I think it's worth the bother. Sometimes I just mumble and look at my feet.

The couples counselling session helped. It's difficult, but we are doing much better this week.

Thank you all, and sending you all love,
Sophia x

Love it! Both the post and the comments. I have dropped my own KPIs to the most basic. Sometimes I wish I had a little GPS telling me what to do eg "get out of bed", "shower" etc. Too many decisions!