Thought I would start the new thread as it is after midnight and thus Monday in some parts of the world.

B- please let us know if you hear from Eliza...
Not much to report here.. day 16 (holy crap I didn't realize it was so late) and no signs of OV yet. Awesome. I had hopes that the Femara would help that happen earlier, but now I can just hope for a good LP if and when I finally OV!

Hope everyone is well....

I am 15 wks. I have been refered to another Dr for m c section. So I just have to wait for the appointment now. 5 weeks till the next US.
Feeling good.

We had our big scan a week ago friday. Baby's good, and he's a boy. I spent the next few days after the scan on a high, feeling so happy and excited about this baby. Unfortunately, the crazies came back this week. Worried about preterm labor all weekend (even though my daughter was over a week late) I just know too much now! I'm working on turning off my brain...and staying positive as always.
Good thoughts to you ladies.

I'm so excited to be able to write here (how fucking weird is that), its been 15 weeks since our little guy left us, he was born at 34 weeks and lived for 2 precious hours BUT we have started ttc. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops, I am filled with hope and that's a GREAT feeling and believe me its not often i can say that these days, we were so fatigued and I had such a complicated relationship (HATE) with my body that we hadnt resumed much of a physical relationship and now it just feels so great, the closeness is beautiful.

Of course I am filled with panic and anxiety about not getting pregnant, (I have PCOS but we had a total surprise pregnancy the last time) and then of course the terror of a little one dying, but i am trying my best to stay in the moment.. fingers crossed for me ladies, THIS FEELS GOOD

sending peace and positive vibes to you all x

I am going to try to keep up this week. Good luck, Leslie, and congratulations on your good scans, Rachel and Natalie. Oct2010, I'm glad to see you here and I hope your TTC time is exactly as long as you need for it to be. (I think for some people getting pregnant immediately is easiest, for others they need it to take longer so they can ease into the idea. I hope you get exactly what you need.)

I was thinking about M. yesterday. I knew it was six months since her little Pearl was born, because Pearl was born the day after my due date. And I knew that my son should have been six months old on Saturday, the same day we put our beloved dog to sleep. It's been a very hard week, a very hard season, a very hard year. I would like to never again see my husband cry as much as he's cried in 2010.

I am 18 weeks today and I feel okay. I am getting into my scary time; I lost my baby at 22 weeks, but I had started to feel terrible 3-4 weeks before. So I feel like I'm on edge, waiting for my water to break, waiting to feel sick, waiting for the debilitating pain.

I was supposed to get extra monitoring through this pregnancy but my new OB seems to have forgotten my history; he says he only needs to see me once a month. He was going to do regular swabs, regular ultrasounds, but he doesn't think I need any of that, not even with the placenta previa and the bleeding. I see the gestational diabetes nurses far more often than I see him -- I have to check in with them once a week, see them every three weeks. Given that I am just low-borderline for high risk for GD, and don't actually have GD, I am frustrated by all this hand-holding in the one area where I don't need it. And the GD clinic is about ten steps from the hospital where I lost my son, so I have to go there over and over and over. I've been transferred to the perinatologist I never wanted to see again, the one with the awful bedside manner who told us we were losing our son, because she is the expert on GD.

I just wanted this to be easy, but nothing ever is, I guess.

I haven't been posting but I often read your posts.
Natalie and Rachel, I am glad everything is going fine for you.
Beth, it is really amazing the lack of sensibility of some doctors. Why is it so hard to understand our worries? It is so frustrating. I hope you can find a better perinatalogist.
oct2010, welcome and good luck.
Leslie, I hope you ovulate soon.
I am going crazy these days. I was very hopeful this month because I had very good ovulation signs and perfect timing. Then yesterday I started spotting pink and was feeling a little crampy. I thought it could be implantation. Then this morning with a still high temp I decided to test, but some red blood came out while peeing (sorry for the details) and I gave up testing. Then I spotted some more brownish pink, but I don't really have a period flow. The period feeling comes and goes. Should I still be hopeful? If temp is high again tomorrow morning I will test, but I am already used to the idea I will have to wait another month. I will let you know. In any case I start acupuncture tomorrow.

Thanks for thinking of Pearl (and me) yesterday, Beth. The day was actually pretty fine (I'm in my hometown taking care of family, and that's a good distraction...good because I'm busy and because my grandma is doing a lot better than she was recently). I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much, and especially sorry that you got referred to that same stupid perinatologist! I hope the next few weeks go as smoothly as they can.

In ttc news, I'm actually still waiting for my period to arrive. I figured it was over with my negative on Friday, but I guess it's not over until it's over. My last cycle was 26 days, and if that's the new normal, it won't be due until tomorrow. We'll see. I'm not going to sneak a pregnancy test while I'm here (literally staying in a one bedroom apartment with my mom and my grandma).

Hope everyone else is doing well. Congrats on your boy, Rachel. And I wish you the best of luck, Oct2010.

I cross-posted with you, Francisca. Trying to analyze the signs can be so crazy-making! I have no good insight, just wanted to sympathize. I've been trying to dismiss everything by reminding myself that early pregnancy signs are identical to PMS. I hope you're still in (and that this is your month).

*waves distractedly*

B kindly emailed and let me know there has been concern for my non-presence. Sorry to just disappear!

Work has been. . . not good. Additional budget cuts have been announced and while I feel as secure as I can, things simply aren't good. It's too much to get into, really, but for awhile, it was really, really bad. The situation hasn't changed terrifically, but I've been able to take a step back from it and view it more dispassionately than before. I'm so behind it's not funny, though no one seems particularly bothered by it right now.

Thanksgiving was nice enough, but Christmas seems to be hitting hard. Never a good time for my husband, and this year is filled with what-ifs and should-have-beens I haven't felt in a long while. I guess it's that it ought to have been his first Christmas and first birthday, so that even though we went through the first season without him already, it's hitting in an extra painful way right now.

We're not trying any longer. Not preventing, mind, except that it feels like our sex life has disappeared between no longer ttc regularly and my stress levels, with an illness or two thrown in for fun. I've been slacking on the elliptical, but am slowly getting it together, short bursts at a time, and started the new Weight Watchers program today. I've lost 6 pounds since we got the elliptical, which is good, at least.

Working out regularly will make my cycle better, as will losing weight. It's really thrown right now, and my skin is suffering for it, that's for certain! How can I have worse skin at 30 than I did when I was 15? Ugh.

There are a few bright spots - I've published some stuff on the interwebs (don't get excited, it's fanfic, lol) and it's gotten a far better reception than I hoped for, so I spend a lot of spare time working on that. My husband continues to be back at school. My family is well. My good friend safely delivered her son on Saturday.

But for the most part, I feel down a lot lately. I'm tired a lot. Work has me depressed, if I'm honest. Things won't really be getting any better, and I'm very anxious that at some point they will figure out I've no idea what I'm doing and I'll be on the RIF list next (everyone assures me I'm doing a fantastic job - cue hollow laughter). I just couldn't keep saying the same things over and over and I couldn't continue looking for a bright side that doesn't seem to exist right now. Last week was a little better, and hopefully this week will be too - it's astonishing how getting a project done makes me feel so much more hopeful. . .

It just pains me a bit to realize that our chances of having a baby in 2011 are dwindling - we don't intend to start actively trying again until I've lost about 30 more pounds, and possibly until our debt is more controlled. Our first planned pregnancy was due June 2009. Last year this time, I knew we'd have had a baby by now, or would be pregnant again. And yet here we are, arms and belly still empty.

I find it very lonely. So many of my friends have living children, and the ones who don't are childless by choice or have no reason to expect complications. We just feel a bit adrift, I guess. And I'm not actively grieving or mourning as I was last year (though the waves still hit at inopportune times), so there just seems to be a hole.

So I thank you all for your wondering and concern - I can't tell you how heart-warming it was to get B's email. I just . . . don't feel I've much to add to anything right now. I think of you all often, wish you well. I know how cold that feels though; I just don't have a lot to give, I guess.

Hi all, not much to report from me. CD9 (I usually ovulate CD 15), still thinking about whether or not to go for it. I went to the dentist today, they think I might have a cracked tooth from grinding my teeth (wonder why I've been doing that????) at night. Sooo....not exactly an emergency, but not too fun to take care of during a possible pregnancy. So throw another wrench in the works.

I will be hoping for a good LP for you too Leslie. Sorry the Femara didn't do what you thought it might. :(

YAY Natalie and Rachel!!!!

I'm sorry for everything that's going on Beth, and that you have to go see the same doctor you didn't want to see. Hang in there.

Francisca and M, it's not over till the fat lady sings. And I am not exactly fat but I could lose a few and I am most decidedly NOT singing.

Good to hear from you Eliza. I'm sorry that work is so tough right now, but I bet you are doing a much better job than you think. It's so hard to evaluate your own work performance. I'm sorry that you are having a tough holiday season, I think we all are too for the same reasons. There is just so much "should-be" in life. It's hard not to focus on it. I'm not really actively grieving anymore either, but that hole is still there and it always will be. He will always just be...missing.

Love to you guys xoxoxox

Hoping for the longer LP Leslie!

Glad things are good Natalie.

I'm glad all was well at your scan Rachel. I think a few days of being happy before the crazies came back are amazing, I hope you enjoyed them :) Hoping you can hold on to some positivity.

oct2010 that's amazing that you are feeling so positive! I'm so glad to hear it and I hope it lasts until you are pregnant and beyond.

Oh Beth a lot of that sounds horrible :( I hope you can manage to catch a break soon. You really deserve it.

That all sounds really confusing Francisca! I hope the temp is still high tomorrow. Good luck.

Thinking of you and Pearl, M. Fingers crossed that it could still be your month...

eliza, I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. I really, really am. Thank you for dropping in and letting us know you're OK, but I wish you were reporting that things had calmed down a lot more :( thinking of you.

I'm 12+1 today. That's where the baby died last time. We didn't find out until 16+6. I'm kind of OK, but there is a terror at the back of my head that 'you didn't know things had gone wrong last time either, silly you for believing there is hope'. i can't remember if i said that the hospital won't give me an extra scan. the midwife has suggested i ask my GP to write to the hospital to ask them to do so for my mental health. i so hope it works. i can't imagine having to wait til february to know that all is still well.

hope everyone else out there is doing ok too. thinking of you all x

Popping in with an official hello and introduction after lurking here for several weeks.

*hi ladies*

So, after losing our Otis just after his birth in September of this year, my cycles finally seem to be sorting themselves out and my physical healing (I had a horrendous episiotomy during delivery) has gotten to a place where at least I can include myself in the "not trying, not preventing" club -though we may start preventing because I'm a little nervous about conceiving again in such a short time - my OB suggests we wait for 3 "good" cycles (so, essentially, 6 months post-birth) before we start "trying." As this is my first seemingly "normal" cycle, I probably shouldn't even be entertaining thoughts of getting pregnant again, but I can't help it. (I feel ready-ish at least to start thinking about it) I also just turned 39, and of course there is the inevitable age-fear-factor in my mind right now as well.

So, that said, I'm on CD 13 and all signs are a go that I'm ovulating (or just did) and we have had sex a few times in the last few days, without protection. We'll see what happens. I'm kind of throwing it up to the fates for this cycle, and then after a month of thinking about it, we may decide to opt out next month. I'll keep you all posted...

Wishing for good news for all of us...whatever that entails.

Hey everybody, It's good to "hear" your voices again. I'm sorry I disappeared from here for so long. I got to a point where I needed to be away from everyone else's pain. I feel badly that I couldn't be here for everyone but I was getting seriously depressed again and needed some time away. Right now I'm trying to figure out what my stupid body is doing. I wanted to ignore it for awhile and concentrate on adoption but my body is making that impossible. So I figure as long as I have to do something to regulate my cycles, I might as well actively try to get pregnant again. I hope I will have time to stop by here more again, I'd like to know how everyone is doing and get to know the new faces.

I'm here. We're mid crazy-toy-shop-owners Xmas rush and so not thinking about anything more than that and trying to make a Christmas for my girls. Last week I went on a 'pretend Xmas' holiday with all our friends. There were 3 just 1 year olds, one who still crawls and who wore blue all week and it was unbelievably hard. My friends were kind but I pretty much cried all week. I'm dreading Xmas.

We've got this month, January and maybe Feb if my cycles are kind and then I have to stop trying as I can't risk and Xmas baby, so then we'd have to leave it till after April. I was so scared I wouldn't have a baby before Freddie's birthday but it's looking like I won't even be pregnant before his birthday.

That just sucks.

Still, I know our timing was bad this month and the progesterone did at least lengthen my cycle so... well, who knows.

But I think i am beginning to accept this may not just happen now. I'm 37 soon and I fear, not that I believe in God, that the one thing left for me is to suffer for my sins and not get another baby. Or that all my misfortunes will roll together and I'll get pregnant with a baby who is so sick I'll have to terminate. My life is so busy playing out like a bad novel that I can't even see a happy ending any more.

I wish I had my little boy. It's awful putting 4, not 5, sweets in the advent calendar each night.

The fat lady is singing. My temp dropped and the period came in full blown. I am not as sad as I thought I would be. I guess I am getting used to it but also because December will be a crazy month since we have to find a new apartment and move by the end of the month. In part it is good not to be pregnant so I can help carrying the boxes. Also, my next ovulation should happen around the time Ale died/was born. I see it as a good omen.

Now it has been exactly 1 year of TTC without success. Part of being calm lately has also to do with having a plan. I will try acupuncture (maybe chinese herbs) for 3 months before taking a more aggressive approach. My mom is going to get a second opinion from a well-known specialist in her city. In January, after moving I will go back to my RE and discuss the next tests. My husband has an appointment with a urologist to check his sperm. I am hopeful (isn't it amazing?!!!) we will get pregnant within the next 3 months. If not, we will do whatever is necessary to have a baby.

eliza - I am sorry you are down. It really sucks being childless after a loss.

B- I hope they give you the extra scan. It is not so hard to understand your worries.

jen - It is not easy to keep happy in this situation. I myself struggle with it every day. I find that going to the gym regularly is helping me a lot. I am starting acupuncture today to find some more peace of mind and hope it helps to make my cycles more regular.

Keely and Sarah - Good luck this month!

Merry - Don't think like that! You can still have another baby. Good luck to you too!

Welll...I'm now 8 days late. I had a very, very faint positive -squinting eyes holding it up to the light is that a second line I think it is but I'm not sure- two days ago. So I'm off to buy another test today and hopefully this one will be more convincing.

I'm convinced something isn't right and I am not just being especially crazy. My dates and all the negative tests (and now one positive) I've had just don't add up to anything I can make sense of, unless I OV well over a week late which would be extremely abnormal for me. I guess I should make an appointment to see my OB but I am dreading going into that office only to get possibly bad news...again.

even the faintest of positives is a positive, so exciting..congratualtions!! You might be right about ovulating late tho, even if it is very unusual. With this baby I ovulated a week early which I have never ever done before in 5 years of charting, so you never can tell. I suppose you should go see your OB...it's never fun tho, I have hated going to every single appointment you always end up preparing yourself for the worst, it's really hard. I've got one last scan to go now at 36 weeks (I'm coming up to 34 weeks now) and I still both dread it and can't wait for it at the same time. *hugs* and good luck!!

Good to hear from you, Eliza. I wish that work was easier for you. I wish you could be in a place of calm where you could process everything without the additional stress. I do hope that things on the work-front settle down soon.

Jen, nice to "see" you again. Come back soon:)

Oh, Merry. Every time I read your posts, I want to reach out and give you a hug. You have committed no sins. You have done nothing to deserve this. I know that it is easier said than done (I struggle so much with this myself) but, in the end, all we can do is make the best of what we have. The rest is out of our hands.

Everyone else... send you love and good vibes.

Brianna, my intuition has been telling me you're pregnant for at least a week now. It keeps popping into my head at random times throughout the day, "Brianna is pregnant." Just sayin'. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. I have heard that any positive is a positive, but I also understand the concern that a faint positive is perhaps a sign of a "chemical pg" or a sign that it's not viable. I'm still going to hold out a lot of hope for you.

I woke up last night with a crampy uterus and some low back pain. I didn't sleep well at all. It reminded me of how physically challenging my pregnancy was, and scared me a little that I'm not ready to be pregnant again just yet. At the same time, I was excited thinking that maybe I was feeling ovulation or implantation feelings...sheesh. What a roller coaster. We've just resumed sex in our home and already I'm all aboard the did-we-didn't-we-make-a-baby tilt-a-whirl. I swore I wouldn't do this. Ooops.

Lots of love to all.

I'm officially out. And fucking devastated. I'm sure it doesn't help that I have zero privacy at the moment so all day I've been gulping down sobs and trying to be pleasant.

Oh M, dammit. Sorry. Sending you love...

Test #6 is clearly positive. I guess that means I'm pregnant. Honestly, I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment. I thought it was going to take more time and that in the process I'd also have more time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant.

I'm happy, I guess. But I also miss George so much that it physically hurts.

I'm so sorry M.

Oh, M., I am so sorry. I hope you can get some time and space to yourself to process.

Congratulations, Brianna. I think the anxiety and intermingled grief are really normal, even when you want the pregnancy more than anything.

I am having some of that myself this week. We are decorating our Christmas tree and realizing that we have nothing to discourage us from putting ornaments on the very bottom branches. We have a tradition of buying a new ornament every year, plus one that is just for our daughter that she picks out. This year my ornament has a painting of a crow in a winter sky (I always think of my son when I see crows), and my daughter picked out a goofy black lab ornament, because it looks a bit like our dog who died on Saturday. I also bought an ornament for Hector, a clay dinosaur with his name on the back. I don't know if we will buy him an ornament every year, but this year should have been his first Christmas, it just felt right.

It is possible to be entirely happy about a new pregnancy, and overwhelmed by grief at the same time.

"It is possible to be entirely happy about a new pregnancy, and overwhelmed by grief at the same time." - Beth
That is exactly how I feel right now. Like an internal tug of war!! Happy and sad. Excited and depressed. I'm 9 weeks and feeling sick all the time. Back aches and little twinges of pain all over. I should be happy, but I am so scared by all of it.
We decorated the tree over the weekend and I just couldn't "get in the spirit". I bought a little purple tree for Charlotte and plan to get ornaments for her. I also made some myself. My hubby picked out a stocking for her. And I found the most perfect angel stocking holder at Pier 1.
It was 6 months Monday since we lost Charlotte. It didn't fully hit me until going to bed. Grief on top of hormones is one crazy ride for me right now. I miss her. I should be doing all of these things with her.

Thinking of you all, all the time. Great news Brianna!!

Shit, M. I'm so sorry.

Hello everyone,
Leslie: I hope the femara sorts out the lp and that whatever it is doing to your ov, it's all good!
Natalie: I'm so glad you've managed to change your doctor, the previous one didn't sound very sympathetic at all.
Rachel: I'm so glad the scan went well, I've got the crazies too.
Oct2010: Nice to have you with us and I'm glad you are feeling positive. I have my fingers crossed for you.
Beth: I'm so sorry that your care has been so patchy and it must be so frustrating that the only thing they are giving you excellent provision for is something that you don't have, in a bad location with a horrible doctor.
Eliza: It's good to hear from you again. I've missed your words here and at your blog. I'm sorry that work has been so stressful and that you are feeling adrift. You are in my thoughts.
Keely: Ouch, your poor tooth. Hope you can get it repaired.
B: Really hope you can talk them round to that extra scan.
Sarah N.: Nice to 'see' you here and I hope that everything works out. It is so very difficult not to succumb to that evil tilt-a-whirl you've described so well.
Jen: It's good to have you back and I hope you will stop by again.
Merry: I'm so sorry. It's so hard when you keep setting yourself these targets, 'I'll be pregnant by . . . ','I'll have another baby by . . .' I know I did exactly the same. As Steph says, you haven't done anything to deserve this. Truly.
M. and Francisca: Damn. I'm sorry. I was holding out hope for both of you and will continue to do so for the next time.
Brianna: So glad to read your news although I know your emotions will be a mixed. As Beth has said, it is (I've found) possible to be completely happy and, simultaneously, absolutely devastated.
Sarah N. do let me know if you fancy doing any more crystal ball gazing m'kay?!
afm: I'm 17 weeks and starting to feel frightened. I knew the second trimester would be a difficult time for me but it feels as though time is standing still at the moment. I'm just really, really hoping to get at least a little further on in this pregnancy than I managed with my daughters.

Take care of yourselves, xo

Reading back through this post, I realize that I forgot to comment on your news, Brianna! I'm not going to say the "C" word but I'm thinking it! I know you must have so many emotions right now, but that is normal. I've always (knock wood) gotten pregnant really quickly too, and while it is something to be so, so, so thankful for, it can also knock you for a loop. Hang in there, thinking about you today xoxo.

I just want to say that Catherine you are amazing mamma-
and I second everything you wrote because you did all the work for me!
Thank you so much! In all seriousness though I truly hope you will find some peace coming your way. I can only imagine what the days are like for you- I am thinking of you.
M I am so sorry.. i think BFN's are probably the most stressful and disastrous time bombs that wait for just the right moment to explode.
Sarah N I am so excited to see you here.. but then you know that already!
Brianna- I am so thrilled for you mamma.. be sure to send us lots of that magical baby dust you are rolling in. love and grace mamma....

CD 19... no OV yet. Awesome.

Trotting in very late (and hopelessly new at this whole discussion board thing) to bounce a little on the spot for Brianna - and send love for the new level of loss of George that this new hope may spark.

Merry - I know, I had thought I'd be at least 6 mths pregnant by Christmas, even though I know setting these time limits is a silly thing. Hoping it happens soon for you.

Catherine W - 17 weeks - wow. I've got everything crossed - stay in there little one! I know you are doing all you can for a longer stay for this one, so you can look the fear in the eye I guess, though it is much easier said than done.

M - so sorry. Hurts every time.

B - hoping you get the extra scan.

I'm on day 25 and too scared to really hope for anything this time. Love & good wishes to everyone, xxh