I am 43 and in my almost 24 year marriage I have struggled with infertility. I know what it is like to count days and take temperatures and mourn everytime a cycle comes because you just wanted and hoped for so much.

I have three living daughters with a 4 year gap between each due to struggling to conceive and an equal number of early losses (all before 10 weeks). So, I have known the inner debate of when to tell people, fearing loss and waiting until I was past the week of the latest loss to feel like I was going to have a baby.

My oldest daughter has given me the most beautiful grandson who will turn 2 just days before my wedding anniversary in January.

I never felt like I was done having children and wanted more but all that settled down a little when the grandson came along. Then, last year I got pregnant. No trying, charting, wishing or waiting. One shot in I hate to admit in how many months. 12 years after my last daughter was born. It was a gift. A total surprise. Our first son was born and died at 38.5 weeks in June. We named him Donald after his father but after months and months of calling him Cricket I find it hard to think of him as anything but my Cricket baby.

Cause unknown. All the tests and the autopsy showed no reason. The labor was so fast, under 2 hours star to finish, that we weren't monitored, so, then there was the debate had he died before, during or just after birth and none of the doctors could agree. I know I felt him moving and kicking me during a contraction but my thoughts didn't figure into the doctors debate. My son was declared dead an hour after he was born.

I have run the course of post loss emotions and thoughts, even thinking at one point that with no known cause it must have been that I had just wanted him so much I had sucked the life out if him.

I have read your posts on TTC here and even posted once how I wish I was trying too. I am older, have children and a grandbaby. My husband thought this was enough and that we should be content with what we had. He didn't think we could survive the hurt of another loss. Me, I wanted a baby more after the loss of our son. All those months of hoping and planning and dreaming. I want the dream.

That brings us to this post. I am pregnant. We just found out. I thought I was sick. I wasn't paying attention to ovulation because we weren't going to try again and we hadn't resumed a physical relationship since our son had died. It was enough to just survive each day. Then one day the house was empty and we took a nap.

Pregnant.

I am happy. Overjoyed at the possibility. I have hope, which I think hurts worse than being hopless. There arent words for how beyond scared shitless I am and I have no idea how I will survive the coming days, weeks or months. I know from experience that being pregnant doesn't mean that you are going to have a baby.

We didn't wait to start telling people. I guess we thought as raw as we were from all that has happened this year we would need the support if this ended in loss. The stupid comments started right away. Comments like, "well you are going to things different this time arent you " and "I don't think I would tell people and get their hopes up". Ha! I think people just don't think before they speak. There have been loving and supportive comments too, they just don't seem to stick with you like the stupid ones.

So, here I am.

Thank you for a place to pour this all out.

Oh wow! Welcome... congratulations..and good luck :D

Oh, Dorothy, that's great news. I love that one stole nap can bring such a gift:)

I am also sorry for the loss of your Cricket. We'll do our best to help you through this crazy journey.

Dorothy, I am so sorry for the loss of your Cricket. And also sorry that people have been so insensitive in their comments to you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. What a great nap that was!

That is wonderful news!! Thank you for sharing your story. I totally get the "scared shitless" feeling right now myself.

I hope you continue to get loving and supportive comments that allow the insensitive ones to just role off your back. And I totally understand about "making that dream come true".

Take it one day / week at a time. Small goals. That's what I'm trying my best to do.

CONGRATS!!!

Wow. What an emotional rollercoaster you've been on! Warm congratulations on your pregnancy. Looking forward to reading about it all unfolding in posts to come...

Thank you for sharing - and I'll second your scared shitless and hope.

Congratulations on your new pregnancy - how far along do you think you are? (If you don't mind me asking).

As for the stupid questions, we're getting them too. I don't understand people sometimes.

Sarah, I am 5 weeks from LMP. Very early really. Thank you for asking.

Thank you all for your warm comments. I am a little calmer today.