so i thought we might as well have a thread started on a monday again for a change! how is everyone doing? have things settled down for you Beth? what about the rest of you?

i have my 12 week scan on thursday. it actually falls 10+6, but if the baby has grown consistently since our last scan at 8+4 where it measured 9+1, i guess it will be 11+3.

(that's actually just freaked me out a little. our last scan fell at 11+4, and the baby died four days later.) anyway, i'm trying to tell myself our chances are good, but i'm scared to death.

oh, and we are knee deep in snow. completely unheard of around here at this stage of the year. i can't get my head round it at all.

hope other people are calmer than me....

I am very excited for you B- and holding only positive thoughts.... breathe deep mamma- know that you have a lot of love and light all around you!

I am CD 9 of a femara cycle. Strangely enough I STILL have a bit of pink/brown CF- can we say world's longest AF!? Geeze! I am wondering to see if it will actually get me to OV more on-time than I used to so we'll see. Trying to stay positive, but the dark thoughts keep creeping in.....

Thinking of everyone.....

Sending you good thoughts, B!

You too, Leslie. I hope the femara does the trick.

Nothing exciting to report here. The weeks just keep flying by. Not sure how many DPO I might be, but I guess I expect my period sometime between Wednesday and Sunday. Thinking I'll test Friday if nothing's happening. I'm feeling pretty doubtful about being pregnant this time around (but then....that's the way I felt with both previous pregnancies! so maybe it's a GOOD sign? ha).

It all feels pretty heavy, as the 6 month anniversary of Pearl's death is coming up (Sunday). Anniversaries haven't actually been too hard for me so far, but this one feels momentous. Half a year? And if I'm in the shadow of another failed cycle....well, it might be pretty rough. I remember in the early days, the very idea of having to wait six months felt like torture. I was so glad we were able to start trying sooner...for all the good it did. And I'm flying to be with my mom and grandma on Saturday, so I won't even be with my immediate family on the day. Ugh.

Anyway, the short answer is....either getting my period or testing on Friday.

B, Leslie, and M, I've got my fingers crossed for all of you. Here's hoping!

No news here. This is week 17 for me and all is quiet. I thought i would feel more anxious than this, being pregnant again, what with the e coli lurking there in my vagina ready to strike at any time. But I find I am not feeling anxious. I feel melancholic at times, emotionally tired a lot, but very rarely do I feel anxious. I'm attributing this to my mind's ability to cling to the conviction that this baby is already dead too. This is in spite of the very healthy normal scan results I had last week.

Whatever it is, I am grateful that I don't feel anxious much. Anxiety is so bloody tiring and draining. Whatever backflips my mind is doing to make this happen, so be it.

It's hot and humid here, and the festy season begins proper tomorrow. I'm going to try to let it wash over my head this year. Wishing you all well and sending love.

I had a terrible appointment with the Dr that was suppost to do my c section on Wed last week. She was not sensitive nor empathetic to our situation at all.
This new baby is due on May 29th, my previouse lose was on May 20th 2 years ago. I had requested that we do the delivery before the 20th. I don't want to risk going into labour that day. She said no that she would deliver on the 25th.
I am very sure that I will not make it to the 25th, which is 39+ weeks. My first pregnancy delivered at 38 weeks, healthy baby. And the second at 32 weeks. SO now we will have to look for a new referal to a new Dr. So it is back to my attending on Friday.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Nervous as can be right now!!! We have an 11am appt today for my 8 week u/s and checkup. So anxious to get in there and hoping like crazy we hear that heartbeat.

I felt like death yesterday. Some crazy stomach bug that hit out of nowhere. I'm not certain it wasn't my nerves getting the best of me. But I feel so weak right now. I just want to get through this appt and have everything go ok.

We haven't told our parents yet. I just want that picture from today and to hear that heartbeat. Then I will be ok with telling them the good news. I know my mom will be a complete wreck for the next 32 weeks. It's been a rough year. And my sister is about to get out of the hospital after having emergency gallbladder surgery this weekend. Our family needs the good news right now.

M fingers crossed for you!
Sophia- thinking of you with positive thoughts and strength
Natalie- i am so sorry about the insensitivity you were faced with. I can only hope that you will find someone more caring...
Susan- hoping you are feeling better and sending you much strength and positive thoughts as well.

HUGE RELIEF!! GREAT NEWS!!

That little flutter on the screen made my heart smile!! The little bean has a heartbeat. I'm 8 weeks today and it was measuring 8+2. So excited and relieved.

We go back in 4 weeks for our 12 week appt and we're doing that trans nuchal test. My favorite u/s tech won't be there, so that's disappointing. But just so happy about today!!

Now to tell our parents!!!!

Oh, and they already have a plan for me. I will be seeing maternal-fetal medicine specialists as well as their office. They will probably do monthly ultrasounds the further along I get. And they will swap between offices for my scans. I was so happy to hear that they already had that plan in mind for me. I feel like they are really doing a good job.

Congrats, Susan! I'm so glad to hear it went well!!

i'm so sorry natalie :( that sounds horrible. i hope you can find a better doctor.

i'm so glad your appointment went well susan. you sound so relieved :)

Beautiful news Susan!

Hope all are doing well. I have been lurking for weeks but couldn't bring myself to post as it feels like nearly everyone posting is pregnant right now.

I am on CD14 and my temp went up this morning. I got a nearly +ve OPK yesterday so it kinda makes sense but I have been ovulating on CD 16 or 17 for the last 6 months. I also have a cold so I am worried that the temp rise is actually the start of f a fever instead of ovulation. But if it is real then my O day has moved up by 3 days this cycle. This is my third month taking Vitex. Has anyone else had an experience like this with Vitex?

(We DTD last night because of the semi-+ve OPK so we haven't missed our chance all together if I really O'd)

Hey girls, sorry I haven't been around much the past few weeks. Decided to take a little breather from everything.

B....I am sending good thoughts for Thursday!

Leslie...I have no experience with Femara but I hope it does the trick. Thinking of you mama.

Good luck M, I hope this is the month!

Thinking of you too Sophia. Anxiety is so hard, I'm glad you aren't feeling that and I'm glad you had a good scan. Hang in there. xo

Natalie.....that is awful. You really would think that medical professionals would get it. Good luck with your search for a new doc.

Susan....YAY!

Cara, I don't know what Vitex is so no advice here but I'm glad you went ahead and DTD ;)

AFM, no news. Well, I guess, I went to my new OB on the 18th and she confirmed that everything was normal and we can start trying again this month. I checked my ovulation last month and was right on schedule and this AF has been much, much more normal. I just don't know though. On one hand, all I want is to have another baby. On the other hand, thinking about being pregnant and worrying about something going wrong AGAIN gives me hives. I guess I have another week or so to down the diet coke and think about it :)

Hi Cara- just wanted to pop on and tell you that yes, that is one of the benefits of Vitex. It works gradually by helping to balance out the cycle as a whole (both the FP and LP). It usually takes about 3 months to reach full effect. Should you conceive, be sure to stop taking at as soon as you get a positive as it is contraindicated in pregnancy. Personally I like to use it through OV and then stop at about 4dpo and resume it if AF shows up.
Herbology and homeopathy are two of my passions so I am thrilled to see you posting about this here! Much luck to you mamma!

Keely- I hope the answer comes easily yo you... much grace to you.

Hi All,

So this is my second time here in the weekly updates...

B- Hoping you continue to get positive news.
Leslie- Hopefully the femara does its job!
M- I wish that Sunday will be more gentle than you are anticipating and that you get that positive this weekend.
Sophia- Anxiety is the worst. I am glad that you have found some peace of mind in whatever way it comes.
Natalie- Maybe your doctor will reconsider? I can't imagine having the two dates be that close together.
Susan- Wonderful news!
Cara- Good luck!
Keely- I understand your apprehension. I feel it too.

ASM- This round of trying to get pregnant again has totally baffled me. I have had consistent 28 day cycles since George was born/died. Today, I am three days late and two preg tests say I am not pregnant. I don't get it. Very strange. Hoping the tests are wrong but I know the more likely cause is that as soon as we started trying to get pregnant again my period decided to start getting all whacky.

Oh well, still happy to be here officially.

Good luck B! I will be thinking of you today.
Leslie - hope you can hold on to those positive thoughts and that the femara helps to sort your cycle out.
M - I will be thinking of you and Pearl this weekend as you mark her six month anniversary. I really hope that this is your month.
Sophia - hang on in there. I'm glad that everything looks good so far.
Natalie - I'm so sorry that your doctor was so unsympathetic. How awful for you. I really hope you can find someone else.
Susan - I'm so glad to read that everything looks good and that there is a good care plan in place for you. I'm sure your parents will be over the moon for you.
Cara - I did take vitex for a while but it didn't change my O day. I have quite a short cycle and I was worried that my LP wasn't long enough. However, nothing I tried ever did! But, as I understand it (and as Leslie, who knows what she is talking about, says!) it might change your O day as it is supposed to regulate your cycle? So perhaps it is the vitex taking effect? And I'm glad to see you back here. x
Keely - I'm glad that everything look good but I know it will be a huge decision for you and your family to take. Also glad that there is someone else out who is factoring Diet Coke consumption into their plans!
Brianna - fingers crossed for you and I hope that things aren't starting to go whacky just as you start ttc. That just wouldn't be fair :(
afm - starting to get quite frightened as the second trimester is a scary place for me with my history and apparent cervix issues. The last scan showed an increase in length and still closed so that was a relief. 16 weeks now and I go back and forth between hopefulness and anticipation and the feeling that I am skating on thin ice.

No news for me. I gave up taking progesterone on 14DPO and no positives. Period hasn't come yet but I'm achey and it will. Didn't feel pregnant this month. Try again next month. I'll be testing, I guess, roughly on Christmas Day. Great.

At least the progesterone did lengthen my cycle.

Well, I will no longer just occasionally peak over here from the other side. After almost a year of uncertainty, my husband and I have decided that we want to try again. I feel relieved to finally know in my heart that I can risk all of the fear and sadness in the hopes of having another child. For the time being, we are just going to see what nature has in store for us. No extreme measures... just no playing defense:) I'm 38 and, since my loss, my cycle has gotten shorter. I am going to the doctor in a few weeks to do some basic hormone testing and we'll see how that turns out.

I hesitate to even put this out there. Part of me fears that, if I speak my desire to get pregnant again out loud, it won't happen. Doesn't that sound strange??? But... it will just be between me, my husband and all of you wonderful ladies.

Brianna- I am so sorry about the wonky cycles- is so frustrating to just want to be trying but faced with irregular cycles that seem to mess up everything...
Catherine I am always thinking of you.. each week is another milestone! So glad that the cervix is looking good for you. How often are you seen by the OB?
Merry so sorry for the BFN- I dread it more than anything. I hope December will be more positive (pun intended) for you....
Steph- welcome mamma! Sending you strength and hope as you walk this path. I don't think you fear sounds strange at all. This journey is full of emotions, superstitions and thoughts that we never imagined we would face. I wish you much grace mamma.....

negative, negative, negative. again.

And, with this month goes the last possible hope of having children who would ever be in high school together. I know that's silly, and doesn't really matter, or whatever. But it makes me extra sad. My kids were 2 1/2 years apart and I was just so thrilled with that distance. But then she died. And now, if I ever get pregnant again, they'll be close to 4 years apart and never pass each other in the halls. (I know plenty of siblings are close despite large age gaps, it's just another thing to mourn.) I also know I'll be lucky to ever have another child again, no matter what the age difference might be.

Now that we've essentially doubled our previous conception times, without success, I'm starting to worry that something is Permanently Fucked-up. Guess I'll try to set up some appointments. My OB is very supportive and said to call her if it didn't happen quickly. I'd say we've passed the realm of "quickly".

UGH.

Oh M, I am so sorry. I hope your doc is helpful.

One of the things I have struggled with most in everything that has happened to us is the distance that will be between my children (provided I am lucky enough to have another). If I were to get pregnant this month and it actually worked, my kids would be almost exactly four years apart. So that's best case scenario. They won't be in high school together. They won't be in anything together. Sad.

That being said, where I grew up, junior high and high school were only three years and so I was never in school with my sister. It was okay. I didn't know any different, and we are VERY close. My husband and his sister are four years apart and never were in school together and they are very close also. I think it has so much more to do with personality than with age. Hang in there, thinking of you today xoxo

Oh, M, I am so sorry that this was not your month. I hope your OB has some answers if you decide it's time to make that call.

The age gap issue just about broke me, too. My kids were going to be almost exactly three years apart. I couldn't have handled closer together than that, but three years just felt so perfect. Letting go of that was a huge step in my grieving -- at some point I came to terms with the fact that I *did* have kids who were 2.5 years apart (since he was delivered so early), and that was a big part of my loss and what I needed to grieve, not something I could get back by getting pregnant again right away. It's gone, those close-in-age siblings, it's part of what I lost.

I guess that isn't very helpful or hopeful, but I did feel better once I could look at it in that light. Well, maybe not "better," but something.

My living kids will now be almost exactly four years apart. They won't go to high school together but I hope they will be close. I am very, very close to my younger brother, who is four years younger. I hope that will happen for my kids as well, and I hope it will happen for yours.

Thanks, you guys. I know that (should I be lucky enough to have another) they can still be close, and I definitely agree it's more about personality than anything else. It's just...not what I planned. Or rather, it's not *what I had*. Thanks for saying it like that, Beth. I did have that, it's just gone, and so I have to grieve for it. xoxo

Does anyone know where Eliza's gone? I know we all come and go here, and lurk at other times, according to what we can manage.. and that's as it should be. This place should be a refuge, not an obligation. Can't help but wonder when the regulars go missing, though..

On the subject of siblings at school together.. my sister and I overlapped for one year and it wasn't helpful. Our teenage years were our worst and I felt that everyone had already made up their minds about who I was, based on who she was, given that it was such a small school. But *I* hadn't made up my mind about me and it was a time when I needed my independence (and she, hers). We are much closer now.

I know it's a wonderful thing when siblings are close and I don't mean to imply that it could have been like that for your kids, or that you haven't legitimately lost something here. xx

I've just caught up with everyone. I'm honestly too tired to respond line by line - I'm sorry. I'm still thinking of everyone here.

Things are good. I mean, I'm tired and that makes grieving closer to the surface. I'm 14w & change and the babe kicks me daily. We all think it's a girl and we have a name picked out that feels right - we'll find out in January at the 20w scan if we're right about gender. I've bought a whack of new maternity clothes.

If this baby dies it won't be because of superstition or anything else. It will be just shitty luck and there's nothing I can do about that.

I'm fighting with the hospital where I gave birth - they're blaming my MWs for Foster's death when they had literally nothing to do with it. I'm angry and am not going to be bullied by a bunch of white-coats. They're just plain wrong.

And so that's where i'm at. Here but not here.

Wishing for strong O's, good timing, +ve tests and healthy pregnancies for everyone.

much love
Sarah H

If I remember, Eliza was getting really busy with work insanity and was going to be out of the game for a while.

Thanks Melissa. That sounds right. I remember her talking about being burned out and that's why I'm worrying about her.

Moops, I woke up this morning and thought about Eliza, too. I haven't seen her on here in weeks. Hope she's okay. I'll check her blog.

Well, Eliza hasn't blogged since November 10th. I do hope that all is well with her and she is just taking a breather from the internet....

i've emailed eliza, i'll let you know if/when she gets back to me.

i can believe that it's hard to let go of the thought that your children don't have the age gap they should have had, but i have two sisters. one was two years younger than me and we drove each other crazy growing up and rarely got on - we get on much better now. the other is 11 years younger than me and we've always got on much better - as have my other sisters. sometimes large age gaps can mean better relationships than shorter ones. i know it's not the same thing, but i hope over time it can bring you a little comfort - even if not very much.

sarah h, thanks for posting that. i'm glad you're doing well, even if there's more to it than that.

do you know, i was aware eliza hadn't posted for a while, but wasn't worried about her as she'd said she was stepping back. but now i emailed her and she hasn't replied i am actually getting quite worried! hopefully she's just away this weekend. eliza if you're out there i hope you're doing ok! :)

B please do keep us posted...
Love to all of you-