Does it get easier? Or is it just as hard?

After losing our second child at 38 weeks (due to no discernible cause), my subsequent pregnancy was hell. If I felt sick, I was sure the baby had died. If I felt better, I was sure the baby had died. If she was moving, I was sure she was getting tangled in the cord. If she wasn't moving, I was sure she had died. I remember thinking I couldn't go to sleep because I had read somewhere that the drop in blood pressure when a mother sleeps could contribute to stillbirth. That pregnancy was one long endurance test.

Now I am 10.5 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. I was curiously calm until we had our first ultrasound a few days ago. That was so anxiety inducing that I threw up in the parking lot afterward. And now I wonder if the next 7 months will be the same.

Is there anyone who can share what their subsequent-subsequent pregnancy experience was like?

Hi H,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious second-born baby. My situation was not the same as yours, but I just wanted to come and give your a virtual hug (and maybe a virtual glass of wine?). During my second pregnancy, I lost my twin son at 25 weeks and continued to carry him for the sake of my surviving twin daughter. It was by far the hardest time of my life.

Initially I worried all the time...but as the weeks passed, I found that I discovered some weird peace in it all. I think a lot of that had to do with a hospital-grade rented doppler that I used as often as I needed. Even though I knew the doppler wouldn't PREVENT my twin from dying, it gave me enough peace to fall asleep for at least a few hours at a stretch.

Many hugs,


Eve

Thank you so much for your kind words, Eve.

My midwife was able to find the heartbeat this morning with her doppler, so maybe I need to get mine out. I bought one last time around because I had an anterior placenta, and didn't really feel my daughter move until close to 24 weeks. The doppler did because a daily ritual, but only brought temporary reassurance. As you said, it can't actually prevent anything, but you're right--it does help for peace of mind.

Thank you again for responding.

Hello H- I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your precious child. We lost our fourth child this September and are now actively TTC. My thoughts are with you mamma...

Thank you, Leslie.

To both you and Eve, let me say that I am sorry too for the loss of your children.
Eve, I have followed your story a bit because a friend of mine lost an identical twin to TTTS and went on to carry his brother for almost 3 weeks more.

But thank you both for responding. I have written posts before (in the early days) and didn't get any response, so I have found it hard to venture into this community beyond lurking.

Wishing you both the best!

I'm sorry you've written posts here and gotten no response - I think this board is more active now than perhaps it was in the past. I hope we can offer some support if you post again.

Maddie x

H- I too am so sorry that your previous posts went unanswered. I imagine this board ebbs and flows with different stages of grief (and participation) and the entry (sadly) of the newly bereaved. I hope that you will walk with us whenever you need the support and know that there are many here willing to give it to you.

Thank you, Maddie and Leslie.

I am sorry for your loss and the stress you are feeling now. I lost my son at 38.5 weeks in June. I don't post much because I can't seem to put my thoughts into words. I wouldn't know if it gets easier but I will be hoping for peace for you.

I have had two post loss pregnancies. I don't know if it will hold true for you but my second was much less anxious than my first. However, some things were still surprising triggers and the first ultrasound was like that for me too. Hugs on your loss and the loss of peace of mind.

(also this is my first actual post on this forum, I've been an on and off reader for years though and some may know me as Aviva Elona from MDC)